Sat 14 Oct, 2006 12:42 pm
I met a camel with no humps, so I named him Humphrey.
How do you kill a circus? You go for the juggler.
Didja hear about the new restaurant on the moon? It's got great food, but no atmosphere.
Remember alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.
I'm addicted to placebos. I'd give them up but it wouldn't make any difference.
I'm sure you've heard about the dyslexic who walked into a bra.
He also sold his soul to Santa.
Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
That's funny, Gus. You're supposed to tell really bad jokes.
Ok. Two guys walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "Why the long face?"
It turns out the bartender was a horse.
Man "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains"
Doc "Pull yourself together, man"
How about: A penguin walked into a bar and asked if anyone had seen his uncle. The bartender asked "What does he look like?"
Q: Whaddaya call a boomerang that don't come back?
A: A stick.
You think those were bad. How about this?
The doctor comes out into the waiting room for the next patient. He's shocked to see a man sitting there with a frog growing out of his head. The doctor's cries, "Oh my god, how did that happen?"
The frog answered "I don't know; it began as a pimple on my butt."
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Damn! Sh!t! Ouch!
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.
How are a texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
Three strings walk into a bar. The first string says confidently, "I've got the first round, boys," and strides up to the bar. Bartender says, "Are you a string?" String says, "Yeah." Bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve strings here." String returns to his buddies, red-faced. "Looks like we aren't getting drinks after all, boys."
String #2 steps up and says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of this." He glides up, drops a twenty on the bar and shouts, "Three whiskeys for me and my buddies, friend!" Bartender looks him up and down, takes his twenty, and says, "Are you a string?" String #2 stands there dumbstruck, unable to even form even the simplest of replies. Bartender says, "Listen, pal, like I told your friend over there, we don't serve strings. Now, beat it."
"Well," says String #2 to his buddies, "That's that. It's over. Let's just go."
But just then, String #3 has an idea. He ties himself up in a big knot, frays the ends of himself with his pocketknife, and sidles up to the bar. "I'd like three whiskeys, please." Bartender looks at him and says, "Are you a string?"
"No" he says to the bartender, "I'm a frayed knot."
I may have to strive to remember my one sort of joke -
sorry, I forgot it.
Two flies are sitting on a piece of crap.
One farts, the other one goes, "Hey, do you mind? I'm trying to EAT!"
What does Coca Cola have in common with King Kong?
they both come in liters
What did the outlet say to the cord?
Socket to me, baby...
What do you call a running chicken?
Poultry in motion...
What happened when a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint?
Both crews were marooned...
Whats long, brown and sticky?
What did santa say when the bottom fell out of his sleigh