182
   

Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

 
 
DrewDad
 
  3  
Reply Tue 29 Jan, 2013 12:05 pm
@DrewDad,
10 Good Reasons for You to Date and Marry an Engineer

1. The world does not revolve around us. We choose the coordinate system.
2. No "couple" could enjoy a better "moment."
3. We know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship.
4. We have significant figures.
5. EK 301: The motion of rigid bodies.
6. Projectile motion: Need we say more?
7. Engineers do it to specifications.
8. According to Newton, if two bodies interact, the forces are equal and opposite.
9. We know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force.
10. We know the right hand rule.





Arguing with an Engineer

Arguing with an engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig. After a few hours, you realize that he likes it.


0 Replies
 
George
 
  8  
Reply Tue 29 Jan, 2013 12:08 pm
Julius Caesar walks into a bar.
"I'll have a martinus," he says.
"Don't you mean a martini?" asks the bartender.
"If I want more than one, I'll say so," replies Julius.
Region Philbis
 
  10  
Reply Tue 29 Jan, 2013 01:52 pm

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Oklahoma , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes
back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste
better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When
we all left our home in Oklahoma, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we
drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there...

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks
them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs."Oh, no, everybody's
just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking...

Hasn't affected my brothers though."

***
0 Replies
 
Advocate
 
  1  
Reply Wed 30 Jan, 2013 10:24 am
@George,
George wrote:

Julius Caesar walks into a bar.
"I'll have a martinus," he says.
"Don't you mean a martini?" asks the bartender.
"If I want more than one, I'll say so," replies Julius.


I know the jokes are supposed to be bad, but that is too bad. Shame on you.
Advocate
 
  1  
Reply Wed 30 Jan, 2013 10:28 am
@hingehead,
Kudos!

That is so bad that I loved it.
0 Replies
 
Advocate
 
  1  
Reply Wed 30 Jan, 2013 10:32 am
@George,
George wrote:

I'm reading a book about an anti-gravity device.
I just can't put it down.



That is so bad that it is not good.
0 Replies
 
Advocate
 
  1  
Reply Wed 30 Jan, 2013 10:33 am
@panzade,
panzade wrote:

I grew up in a house on a cul-de-sac at the end of a one-way street. I never got out much.


You have a hell of a nerve telling us that joke.
Advocate
 
  1  
Reply Wed 30 Jan, 2013 10:35 am
@lmur,
lmur wrote:

Damn - I'm giggling uncontrollably in the library..


I am, too.
0 Replies
 
cicerone imposter
 
  0  
Reply Wed 30 Jan, 2013 11:59 am
@Advocate,
Who the hell are you to be rating jokes on this thread? You're a ******* bore!
roger
 
  3  
Reply Wed 30 Jan, 2013 12:09 pm
@cicerone imposter,
Ahem!
0 Replies
 
parados
 
  4  
Reply Wed 30 Jan, 2013 12:24 pm
A man walks into a bar says hi to the bartender and then there's a long pause.











0 Replies
 
Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Wed 30 Jan, 2013 01:42 pm
Although i've looked in from time to time in the past, i've really been wasting my time here this afternoon.

Some jokes i learned in Ireland:

Your assistance, young man.

Sorry, Mum, already spent it . . .


An American is driving around the lonely roads of the West Country, and his car breaks down. He hopes maybe he can fix it himself, and at least save the cost of a tow. He's rummaging around under the hood (bonnet for the language-challenged) when he hears this deep voice . . .

Psst . . . psst . . . I t'ink it's yer alternayter . . .

He's startled, and kind of creeped out. He looks around--some cows in a field, some sheep on the hillside, an old horse standing by the stone wall looking at him. He shakes it off, and starts rummaging around in the engine again, when . . .

Psst . . . psst . . . I'm tellin' yez, i t'ink it's yer alternayter . . .

He looks up quickly and the horse is staring at him, and says . . .

Yer alternayter . . .

Well, he completely freaks and runs down the road, and at the next town, he arranges to have the car towed. Then he finds a public house, walks in and orders a pint. He's still shaking so badly it takes two hands to lift the pint. The barman looks at him, and says:

Jaysus, Guvner, ye look like ye seen a ghost, so ya do!

Well, i was driving up the road a few miles away, when the car broke down. I lifted the hood, hoping i could fix it, when i hear someone tell me it's the alternator. I didn't see anyone, and that was creepy, so i started poking around in the engine again when the same deep voice says he thinks it's the alternator. I look up, and this horse is standing there, and tells me again he thinks it's the alternator. I can tell you, i was pretty freaked out!

Say, it wasn't an ould white harse, wuz it?

Well . . . yeah . . . now that you mention it.

Don't you pay him no mind, he don't know not'in' about cars, the creature!
0 Replies
 
Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Wed 30 Jan, 2013 01:51 pm
The Irish, despite stereotypes, are generally quiet and polite. So everyone in the house is offended when this lout walks into a public house, scowls at the ladies in the lounge, shoves his way up to the bar, slams his fist down and says . . .

Pint'cha porter here!

The barman looks at him for a moment, and then says . . .

Well, it's clear ye have no manners at all . . . listen, you get here behind the bar, and i'll go out and come in again and show you the right way to behave.

So the barman goes out, comes back in, smiles and tips his hat to the ladies in the lounge, walks into the bar and says, quietly . . .

Hexcuse me . . . may i have a pint of porter, please?

Feck off . . . ya wouldn't give me one!
0 Replies
 
Setanta
 
  2  
Reply Wed 30 Jan, 2013 02:12 pm
Paddy and Micky are out of work, when Micky has a brainstorm . . .

Paddy, me ould boy, lets go down to the Garda station and see if we can't go for policemen.

So they go down to the Garda station, go inside, and Micky says . . .

Paddy, why don't you go in and talk to the Sergeant, and then come out and tell me how it goes . . .

Right!


So Paddy goes into the office and says to the Sergeant . . .

Sergeant, I'm a big foin healt'y boy, so I am, and I want to go fer a policeman.

The Sergeant leans back in his chair, laces his fingers over his belly and looks at Paddy for a moment, and then says . . .

I'd like to help ye out, Paddy, so I would . . . but yer so bloody stoo-pid, I don't suppose ye know who killed Our Lord Jaysus Christ.

I don't . . . but I'll find out!


He walks out and Micky asks him . . .

So how did it go, Paddy?

Oh, greet . . . dey put me on a murder cay-se!
panzade
 
  1  
Reply Wed 30 Jan, 2013 02:47 pm
@Setanta,
bravo!
0 Replies
 
panzade
 
  4  
Reply Wed 30 Jan, 2013 04:22 pm
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a
blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde,
the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting
next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to
your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler.

Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The
blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times
0 Replies
 
spendius
 
  -4  
Reply Wed 30 Jan, 2013 04:25 pm
@Setanta,
"Let us not seek the Republican answer or the Democratic answer, but the right answer. Let us not seek to fix the blame for the past. Let us accept our own responsibility for the future." -- John Kennedy

That's as bad a joke as bad jokes get.

These windbag American politicians eh? Doing movie scripts. Like that "think what you can do for your country" tripe. A $16.5 trillion jamboree is what the buggers did. That's responsibility for the future!!

We will see what discipline is applied to the upcoming raising of the debt ceiling debate.
spendius
 
  -2  
Reply Wed 30 Jan, 2013 05:45 pm
@spendius,
Minus 1 eh?

That's trolling a bad joke thread. It's much too funny.
0 Replies
 
Berty McJock
 
  1  
Reply Wed 30 Jan, 2013 06:02 pm
A scotsman is sitting next to his date in a pub and takes her hand and puts it up his kilt.
The woman is horrified and shouts, "Eeeeuuuuuugh that's gruesome!"
The scotsman replies, "Well hae another wee feel, it's grew some more".
Berty McJock
 
  2  
Reply Wed 30 Jan, 2013 06:06 pm
I went back to see my doctor today.
I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and i got a very nasty reaction."
"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.
"On the bus" i said.
 

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