Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid

The judge says I'm a repeat offender... but he always says that.

Guy walks into a bar and sees three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "What's up with that?" The bartender says, "If you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, though, you pay for everybody else's drinks for the next hour. Wanna try?" The guy says, "Nope. The steaks are too high."

ouch! LOL

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone Who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cores has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me ****."

I don't know why edgar, but I love your jokes.
I told the one about the tribe gathering firewood to anyone who would listen.
Everyone thinks I tell good jokes.
They don't know my secret.

I have to love them before I post them.

You've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours? I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help me. I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism. I reluctantly agreed and began by
saying, “This is tough for me, as a shy man, to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute. I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, “ We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

- 1/3 ownership in the store
- a new company pickup truck
- food and lodging
- a king size bed and
- $3,000 a month in living expenses.

Not a joke, but I found it funny when I heard it. This is a story told by a Pastor not with the intention to make the followers laugh but as teaching a doctrine.

The mother had an appointment and her younger daughter was home and no baby sitter was available. The woman called her older son who took some vacation days to fix his car. The son accepted to take care of the sister.

The woman took more time doing some shopping after her appointment and returned back home late at night. As soon she opened the door, her son was ready to depart, and giving her a big kiss he deposited an envelop in her hand.

The woman changed her clothes, went to bed and opened the envelope. It was a list of things the son did for her:

-Baby sitting my sister for 9 long hours-------------------------$45.00
-Taking my sister in my car to the park, gas-------------------$10.00
-Fixing curtain rod while waiting 3 extra hours---------------$10.00
-Cleaning kitchen while waiting same 3 extra hours----------$25.00
Total for baby sitting and additional repairs/maintenance $90.00

Your son,

Fred.

After a week, the son went back to work, and returning to his apartment, he noticed an envelop in his mail box, that was send from his mother.

It had a check for $90.00, and it also had a piece of paper with a list written on it:


-Taking care for you since birth up to 23 years old----------------$0.00
-Going with you to the park, the beach, Disney, Six Flags--------$0.00
-doing you bed, feeding you, sending you to school----------------$0.00
-Taking you to the doctor, kissing you when you were sad-------$0.00
Total of giving you care with all my love and doing so forever-$0.00

Your mom.

The son finished the list with tears in his eyes, he run to his mother house, broke the check in front of her and crying promised that never ever he will do that again.

Children do not owe their parents for doing their duties. If I had children, I would take it as my responsibility to nurture them to the point of independence. It would have been my decision to have children, not theirs to be born to me. I would not bill them for it nor expect them to owe me anything whatsoever. If I asked for their help, it would be on the basis of mutual love, respect and benevolence, not debt. If I were to demand too much, I would expect my children to inform me of that fact. Nobody owes their parents for their existence.

That said, if a parent goes above and beyond the call of duty, then yes, they deserve reward. But that seems to me to be the exception rather than the rule. I could be wrong.

Said pastor sounds like a country music fan and copyright violator.

Tammy Wynette – No Charge Lyrics
My little girl came up to me in the kitchen this evenin'
While I was fixing supper
And she handed me a piece of paper she'd been writin' on
And after wipin' my hands on my apron I read it, and this is what it said

For mowin' the yard, five dollars
For makin' my own bed this week, one dollar
Goin' to the store, fifty cents
Playin' with little sister while you went to the store, twenty-five cents

Takin' out the trash, one dollar
Gettin' a good report card, five dollars
And for rakin' the yard, two dollars
Total owed, fourteen dollars and seventy-five cents

Well, I looked at her standin' there expectantly
And a thousand memories flashed through my mind
And so I picked up the pen, and turnin' the paper over
This is what I wrote

For the nine months I've carried you growin' inside me, no charge
For the nights I've sat up with you, doctored you, prayed for you, no charge
For the ties, folding clothes and for wipin' your nose, there's no charge
When you add it all up, the full cost of my love is, no charge

Well, when she finished readin' she had great big old tears in her eyes
And she looked up at me and said, "Mommy, I sure do love you"
Then she took the pen and in great big letters she wrote, 'Paid in full'
When you add it all up, the cost of real love is, no charge
Songwriters: ASHLEY, LEON/SINGLETON, MARGIE /
No Charge lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

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Who knows, perhaps Ashley, Leon, Singlenton, and Margie were members of that church...

When a clock gets hungry, it goes back four seconds.