Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Why did the Irish grandmother go on the pill?


She didn't want any more grandchildren.

An ion goes into a bar and asks, "How much for a beer?"

Bartender: "For you, no charge."

There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something
had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said.

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday"

The last man on earth walked into a bar. He looked around, saw the place was empty, sat down and said to no one in particular, "Beer, I'll have another bartender."

So this guy from Czechoslovokia and his friend from Russia come to the U.S. on holiday. They go to Glacier Park in Montana and go camping. The park rangers tell them to call in everyday to report that they are okay and where, approximately, they are. And they do that for the first few days but then they miss the next day, and then a second day.
The rangers mount a search for the two in the area where they were last reported to be. They find a pair of bears, a male and a female, sleeping deeply. Next to them are some shoes and a hat and a couple of backpacks. Reluctantly, they kill the two bears.
They cut open the famale bear, discover human remains and a Russian passport.
"You know what this means, don't you?" says one ranger.
"Yes," replies the second ranger somberly, "the Czech is in the male."

I hearby unilaterally pronounce realjohnboy the winner, hands down, of this here awful joke competition.

no, no! I refuse to accept victory. I am sure there are much worse ones and I look forward to hearing them.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Hitler and Goering were arguing about the Jews, Goering stating that they were quite clever people and Hitler vehemently denying they were any such thing.

Finally Goering told Hitler that they should go out in the city and Goering would show Hitler it was true. Hitler agreed, so they disguised themselves and went out on the street.

Goering took Hitler into a shop, went up to the counter, and asked the clerk: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?" The clerk stared at Goering for a moment and then said no, mein herr, I do not.

The two left with Hitler complaining that he did not understand what the point of this was and Goering telling him to be patient. They went to another shop and Goering gave the same act: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?" The clerk stared and shrugged his shoulders.

They left with Hitler becoming incensed over this nonsense and Goering begging for patience. Finally they went into a Jewish shop; Goering again asked the clerk: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?"

The clerk smiled graciously, went into the back room and made a show of rummaging around, brought out a saucer and teacup, set down the saucer, and carefully placed the cup with the handle pointed so Goering could pick it with his left hand. "There you are, mein herr!" the clerk said.

Goering bought the teacup, thanked the clerk, and the two men left. Goering turned to Hitler and said: "See, I told you the Jews were very clever people."

"I don't see what was so clever about that," Hitler snapped. "He just happened to have one in stock!"

One afternoon, a rope goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender tells him they don't serve drinks to ropes. The next day, the rope returns, but before entering the bar, he ties himself up and unravels a bit. When her enters and asks for a beer, the bartender says, "Hey weren't you the rope that was in here yesterday?" and the rope respondes, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"

That's what I get for working day-shift in a bar for 3 years.

(someone tell littlek that kickycan told that joke a long time ago)

A salesman was draped over a bar, trying to drown his sorrows. On the bar was a large, covered bird cage. Every now and then the man would look at it and cry. The bartender, who had served him drinks at the bar for years, knew this was unusual behaviour for the guy and asked him to explain why he was so upset. The salesman told him the following story.

The salesman was driving on a dirt road through some woods in a very backward part of the country on the last leg of a long trip. He saw a lot of people through the trees. Curious, he stopped his car and made his way to where the people were. To his horror he saw that they were standing on the banks of a pond and were 'ducking' a woman who was secured to a contraption obviously designed for this purpose. Seeing that the poor woman was almost unconscious and would drown if immersed again, the man ran back to his car, gunned the engine, and with the horn blasting, drove as fast as he could between the trees till he reached the pond.

As he had hoped, the onlookers had scattered. Jumping from the car, he hurridly freed the woman, placed her in his car and took off before the people got over their shock. He stopped the car a safe distance away and worked on resuscitating the woman. After a while she coughed and spluttered and regained consciousness and soon it became apparent she was all right, although she kept shaking her head trying to clear the water from her ears.

She thanked him and asked if he realised why the people had done what they had. He thought about it and then laughed and said he supposed they thought she was a witch. She nodded and said this was true, and the funny thing was that she really was a witch. She then said that because he had been so kind to her she would grant him his dearest wish. He told her what it was. She smiled, nodded to herself and told him that when he awoke next morning his wish would have been granted.

They drove to the nearest town where she thanked him again, got out of the car and disappeared into the crowd. He found a motel and settled in for the night.

At this point of the story the salesman started crying again. The bartender, in a world weary voice, said "She lied to you, eh buddy? She didn't grant your dearest wish?

The man pointed at the cage and through his sobs he replied "Oh, but she could have! She really had the power!"

Intrigued, the bartender lifted the cover from the cage. Inside was a tiny but perfectly wrought grand piano. Standing by the piano was a tiny man, just one foot tall, dressed in formal tails. Seeing that he had an audience he sat at the piano and began to play the most beautiful music.

The bartender, thinking the salesman had completely flipped, said "But that is fantastic! So, what is your problem?"

The salesman looked up at him and moaned "It was the water in her ears, I didn't ask for a twelve-inch pianist!"

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF ....

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

I already posted this on another thread, inaverdantly. But most of you probably didn't see it.

A termite walks into a saloon and asks,"Is the bar tender here?"

Ok

lilk kicky tells a string goes in into a bar joke

Kinda like turning up to a party in the same dress as someone else Isnt yet.

Have i embarresed you enough yet?

Hey ya know whats funny?










Wait for it.






















clowns

Bastards gimme the heebie jeebies.

Can't stand them!

Best clown I ever saw was Will Hutchens (remember him - Sugarfoot?) No painted face or funny orange wig or big shoes - his only 'prop' was one of those stiffened collar-and-leash gizmos that made it look as if he was walking an invisible dog. He just ambled through the crowds outside the tent and up and down the aisles while the show was on, with a completely straight face - surrounded by kids wanting to pat the dog.

Mame, I wonder how many of us you offended.

Kicky got it from, he did! He musta!

Ok, how about this knock knock joke I made up when I was 8....

Knock Knock!