182
   

Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

 
 
Berty McJock
 
  5  
Reply Sat 26 Jan, 2013 12:07 pm
back again lol

my wife has left me because of my fetish for touching pasta.
i'm feeling cannelloni right now.

how many alzheimers sufferers does it take to change a lightbulb?
to cross the road.

is it just me or does anyone else find pressing F5 refreshing?

i was walking through the park last night and some bloke threw sodium chloride on me. then another covered me in sulphuric acid.
i didn't know how to react.

i shot someone with a starting gun.
i've been charged with race crimes.

and last but by no means least (for today anyway)...

my dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.
he's classed as a seasoned veteran.
Roberta
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Jan, 2013 04:16 pm
@Berty McJock,
Berty, If this were a competition, you'd be a contender. Great stuff.
Advocate
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Jan, 2013 06:57 pm
@Berty McJock,
Really bad stuff! Thanks!
0 Replies
 
Berty McJock
 
  2  
Reply Sat 26 Jan, 2013 10:07 pm
teeheehee thankyou thankyou. i just enjoy sharing things that make me chuckle. the more surreal and stupid, the better. glad you enjoy Smile

oh and still working my way through the 140 odd pages of replies, picking up some gems on the way, so if i repost i apologise in advance Smile

i went for a job interview as a blacksmith. he said "have you ever shoed a horse?"
i said "no but i once told a donkey to 'get lost'!"
0 Replies
 
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Jan, 2013 11:11 pm
@Berty McJock,
You sure do have some great ones, BMcJ. LOL Keep em com'n.
0 Replies
 
Berty McJock
 
  4  
Reply Sat 26 Jan, 2013 11:27 pm
just finished the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy.

there are three types of people in the world.
those who can count and those who can't.

i had a crazy dream that i weighed less than one thousandth of a gram.
i was like, 0mg!

the barman says "sorry we dont serve time travellers".
a time traveller walks into a bar.

there is a variation on that last one about neutrinos instead of time travellers, if you remember the "faster than light" neutrino "scandal" lol
0 Replies
 
Berty McJock
 
  2  
Reply Sat 26 Jan, 2013 11:36 pm
people were excited by the discovery of the Higgs boson.
i say, does it really matter?

2 terrorists in an outdoor pursuits shop trying on backpacks.
one turns to the other and says, "does my bomb look big in this?"
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Jan, 2013 11:36 am
@Berty McJock,
BMcJ, You came, and changed the title of this thread. 2 Cents Mr. Green
0 Replies
 
Berty McJock
 
  3  
Reply Sun 27 Jan, 2013 02:19 pm
i went into a bookshop yesterday and said, "i hope you don't have any books on reverse psychology".

i took my tomcats to get neutored today.
no hard felines.

if i got £1 for every time i'd been told i cant count i'd have £2.50

if i got £1 for every charity that wants £2 off me, i'd have enough to support half of them.

Hitler wasn't such a bad guy.
after all, he did kill Hitler.

i just bought a film with 3.142 stars out of 5.
it was a pi rated dvd.

0 Replies
 
Berty McJock
 
  2  
Reply Sun 27 Jan, 2013 02:26 pm
do you reckon they called the "Saw" films "Saw" so that people would say:

"did you see Saw?"

"yeah i saw Saw"

"did you see Saw 2?"

"yeah i saw Saw 2 too?

"did you see Saw 3?"

"no but i saw Saw 4"

"what did you see Saw 4 before you saw Saw 3 for?"
0 Replies
 
Berty McJock
 
  5  
Reply Sun 27 Jan, 2013 03:17 pm
never lick a stranger on a train.
they taste nowhere near as good as they punch.

there is no sadder sight than a tortoise storming off in a huff.

i once took the shell off a snail to see if it would go faster.
if anything it seemed more sluggish.

i threw a stick 25 miles the other day for my dog to retrieve.
i know what you're thinking...that's far fetched
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Jan, 2013 03:25 pm
@Roberta,
I'm starting to love Berty.

This must stop.
0 Replies
 
hingehead
 
  5  
Reply Sun 27 Jan, 2013 08:14 pm
http://sphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/555296_402023403225613_924396817_n.jpg
0 Replies
 
jcboy
 
  4  
Reply Mon 28 Jan, 2013 06:37 am
What do you call a black pirate?

A pirate, you racist scallywag. Cool
0 Replies
 
George
 
  6  
Reply Mon 28 Jan, 2013 06:43 am
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.
0 Replies
 
panzade
 
  9  
Reply Mon 28 Jan, 2013 01:03 pm
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves?

Russell

A year later?

Pete
0 Replies
 
Berty McJock
 
  1  
Reply Mon 28 Jan, 2013 03:18 pm
another day, another post. "how long can this go on?" you probably ask in despair.
...apologies dyslexics :p

a library walks into a man and dyslexia for a book on asks.

2 dyslexics working in a kitchen. one says "can you smell gas?"
the other says "i can't even smell my own name"

how many dyslexics does it take to change a lghtiblub?

dyslexia sufferers of the world untie!
0 Replies
 
George
 
  3  
Reply Mon 28 Jan, 2013 03:21 pm
A girl told me that she recognized me from the Vegan Club,
but I never met herbivore.
0 Replies
 
Berty McJock
 
  3  
Reply Mon 28 Jan, 2013 03:25 pm
when people ask me if i'm a glass half full or a glass half empty kinda guy, i just tell them the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

i was chopping carrots with the grim reaper the other day.
you could say i was dicing with death.

a dwarf walks into a library and asks, "have you got a book on irony?"
the librarian replies, "it's on the top shelf"

my friend says i just dont understand irony.
which was ironic because we were at a bus-stop at the time.

cigarettes are just like weasels.
both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and try to set fire to them.
Region Philbis
 
  3  
Reply Mon 28 Jan, 2013 03:30 pm

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_0gbO9jEZC2c/S-ckGhBmaXI/AAAAAAAAA3s/jbdajCiPvCM/s1600/raccoon-hurdles.jpg
0 Replies
 
 

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