Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

back again lol

my wife has left me because of my fetish for touching pasta.
i'm feeling cannelloni right now.

how many alzheimers sufferers does it take to change a lightbulb?
to cross the road.

is it just me or does anyone else find pressing F5 refreshing?

i was walking through the park last night and some bloke threw sodium chloride on me. then another covered me in sulphuric acid.
i didn't know how to react.

i shot someone with a starting gun.
i've been charged with race crimes.

and last but by no means least (for today anyway)...

my dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.
he's classed as a seasoned veteran.

Berty, If this were a competition, you'd be a contender. Great stuff.

Really bad stuff! Thanks!

teeheehee thankyou thankyou. i just enjoy sharing things that make me chuckle. the more surreal and stupid, the better. glad you enjoy

oh and still working my way through the 140 odd pages of replies, picking up some gems on the way, so if i repost i apologise in advance

i went for a job interview as a blacksmith. he said "have you ever shoed a horse?"
i said "no but i once told a donkey to 'get lost'!"

You sure do have some great ones, BMcJ. LOL Keep em com'n.

just finished the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy.

there are three types of people in the world.
those who can count and those who can't.

i had a crazy dream that i weighed less than one thousandth of a gram.
i was like, 0mg!

the barman says "sorry we dont serve time travellers".
a time traveller walks into a bar.

there is a variation on that last one about neutrinos instead of time travellers, if you remember the "faster than light" neutrino "scandal" lol

people were excited by the discovery of the Higgs boson.
i say, does it really matter?

2 terrorists in an outdoor pursuits shop trying on backpacks.
one turns to the other and says, "does my bomb look big in this?"

BMcJ, You came, and changed the title of this thread.

i went into a bookshop yesterday and said, "i hope you don't have any books on reverse psychology".

i took my tomcats to get neutored today.
no hard felines.

if i got £1 for every time i'd been told i cant count i'd have £2.50

if i got £1 for every charity that wants £2 off me, i'd have enough to support half of them.

Hitler wasn't such a bad guy.
after all, he did kill Hitler.

i just bought a film with 3.142 stars out of 5.
it was a pi rated dvd.

do you reckon they called the "Saw" films "Saw" so that people would say:

"did you see Saw?"

"yeah i saw Saw"

"did you see Saw 2?"

"yeah i saw Saw 2 too?

"did you see Saw 3?"

"no but i saw Saw 4"

"what did you see Saw 4 before you saw Saw 3 for?"

never lick a stranger on a train.
they taste nowhere near as good as they punch.

there is no sadder sight than a tortoise storming off in a huff.

i once took the shell off a snail to see if it would go faster.
if anything it seemed more sluggish.

i threw a stick 25 miles the other day for my dog to retrieve.
i know what you're thinking...that's far fetched

I'm starting to love Berty.

This must stop.

What do you call a black pirate?

A pirate, you racist scallywag.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves?

Russell

A year later?

Pete

another day, another post. "how long can this go on?" you probably ask in despair.
...apologies dyslexics :p

a library walks into a man and dyslexia for a book on asks.

2 dyslexics working in a kitchen. one says "can you smell gas?"
the other says "i can't even smell my own name"

how many dyslexics does it take to change a lghtiblub?

dyslexia sufferers of the world untie!

A girl told me that she recognized me from the Vegan Club,
but I never met herbivore.

when people ask me if i'm a glass half full or a glass half empty kinda guy, i just tell them the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

i was chopping carrots with the grim reaper the other day.
you could say i was dicing with death.

a dwarf walks into a library and asks, "have you got a book on irony?"
the librarian replies, "it's on the top shelf"

my friend says i just dont understand irony.
which was ironic because we were at a bus-stop at the time.

cigarettes are just like weasels.
both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and try to set fire to them.