Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Love those, edgar, love 'em. I would never consider them bad jokes.

This is the thread to get lots of hits. I want everybody to read that one.

Guess what? Nobody gives a ****.

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says .......

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

If you get an email warning you of carcinogens in canned ham, just delete it.

It's spam.

My snail wasn't doing well in any of the snail-races into which he was entered. So I removed his shell to make him more aerodynamic. Hasn't worked though - if anything, it's made him more sluggish.

How do you get email spike? I never get any.

A group of small creatures in the forest were talking about their dreams and wishes and wildest hopes. When it came the snail's turn, he said, "I'd like to have a really super-fast sports car, bright red, with the letter S painted on the sides and top. Then I'd drive it at top speeds all over the place."

The others were somewhat puzzled. Finally, the turtle said, "I can understand your desire for speed, my friend. I'm pretty slow and pokey myself and would like to move faster. But I don't understand why the letter S. What's up with that?"

And the snail said: "Because I'd love to hear you all yelling, 'Look at that S-car go!'"

Ok, Andy, that one is piquant in a couple of ways.

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

Bravo!

This guy walks into a bar and says, "give me a mug of suds." So the bartender goes into the kitchen and brings back a mug full of dishwater.

I got a terrible one for you.

A tire fitter had a job on a building site, the foreman gave him a cuppa whilst he fixed the JCB, when it was all finished, and the foreman returned for his cup... The tire fitter could not produce it. He blamed a worker for taking it whilst he was not looking, he left with the words...

"Oh, these new dunlop tend to wear in noisily, though the anti-micro hole sand inside is marvelous"

Sheesh!!

Police were called to a daycare centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.