Geek and Nerd Humor

Reply Mon 17 Nov, 2008 09:34 pm
For the geeks and the nerds a collection of unfunny, if cerebral, humor.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 88 • Views: 448,469 • Replies: 3,903

Reply Mon 17 Nov, 2008 09:50 pm
@Robert Gentel,
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Reply Tue 18 Nov, 2008 08:13 am
@Robert Gentel,
Sierpinski Cookies


I've actually thought about making these.
Reply Tue 18 Nov, 2008 08:30 am
I love me some nerds

New Element Discovered!
Physicists at the University of Colorado recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium". Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

Each Administratium atom is held together by sub-atomic particles called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."
Reply Tue 18 Nov, 2008 08:32 am
Ships are commonly referred to as females, but what about computers? To answer that question, a study was set up with two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Reply Tue 18 Nov, 2008 09:02 am
% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% rm God
rm: God nonexistent

% ar t God
ar: God does not exist]

% ar r God
ar: creating God

% "How would you rate George Bush's incompetence?
Unmatched ".

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change operation go? ^
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce? man::
Too many arguments.

% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

$ PATH=pretending!/usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
Reply Tue 18 Nov, 2008 09:12 am
A computer scientist, mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."

"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."

"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"

"Oh, no!" shouts the computer scientist, "A special case!"
Reply Tue 18 Nov, 2008 09:14 am
* Mother taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes."

* Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing: "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them this afternoon."

* Mother also taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue.

* Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair.
Reply Tue 18 Nov, 2008 09:24 am
You Know You're An Internet Addict When:

* You spend more time on your girlfriend's home page than with your girlfriend.
* You didn't know that Firefox was also a movie starring Clint Eastwood.
* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
* There's a permanent ass-groove in your computer chair, but you haven't noticed.
* You've said "no" to sex in order to view Internet porn.
* You've rationalized installing a mini-fridge, microwave, and port-a-potty at your workstation.
* You go shopping every week, but you've never been inside a mall.
* You don't believe anything you read in a newspaper unless you verify it on a news site.
* You think that 404 is the number of the beast.
* You refuse to go outside because of the sun: "it burns! IT BURNS!!"
* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
* You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
* You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. And you have an ethernet connection right next to the toilet paper.
* You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
* You crank up your surround-sound whenever leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
* All of your friends have an @ in their names.
* When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
* You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.
* You can't call your mother...she doesn't have IRC, ICQ, or Instant Messaging.
* You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
* You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for a secondary net connection in case your ADSL goes down, and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
* Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
* You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
* You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have gender-neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
* You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
* Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
* You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
* You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
* You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
* Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed.". So you file for a divorce...online.
* You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
* You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 5.0 or higher."
* You forget what year it is.
* You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
* You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
* You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
* Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and add her to the network so the two of you can chat.
* You refuse to go on vacation where there's no electricity, phone lines, or hotspots.
* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a data-enabled cel-phone, and a wi-fi PDA.
* You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
Reply Tue 18 Nov, 2008 09:48 am
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Reply Tue 18 Nov, 2008 09:49 am
0 Replies
Robert Gentel
Reply Tue 18 Nov, 2008 01:22 pm
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Robert Gentel
Reply Wed 19 Nov, 2008 10:46 am
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.
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Reply Wed 19 Nov, 2008 06:30 pm
Reminds me of an old one from the early 80's...

Why was the programmer always late for work?
He reads the instructions on the shampoo bottle and gets stuck in a continuous loop. Shampoo, rinse, repeat. Shampoo, rinse, repeat.
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Reply Wed 19 Nov, 2008 06:43 pm
The functions were having a party. e was sitting alone on a corner.
Other functions go to her, and ask:
"Why don't you integrate?"
e replies:
"Because the result is always the same".

The geekest joke I've ever heard... and told.
Only the physicist laughed.

Reply Wed 19 Nov, 2008 07:11 pm
That should really be "e was talking to x in the corner", or something....
0 Replies
Merry Andrew
Reply Wed 19 Nov, 2008 07:32 pm
Maybe a litle off-topic, but. . .

An ion walks into a bar and asks, "How much for one beer?"

The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
Reply Wed 19 Nov, 2008 08:26 pm
@Merry Andrew,
(That should be a neutron.)

Two hydrogen atoms are walking along when one suddenly exclaims, "I've lost my electron!"

The other asks, "are you sure?"

The first replies, "I'm not sure, I'm positive!"
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Reply Fri 21 Nov, 2008 06:28 pm
XKCD: geek humor in cartoon form.

It gets all episodal in the five successive ones starting with this one, and pretty magnificently so.
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Reply Tue 25 Nov, 2008 07:43 pm
Picture taken at Nimh's kitchen:

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