Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

So I says to Michael, you know what kind of soap they use to wash out the mouth of a fibber dontcha?

He had no idea so I told him. They use lye soap.

A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.

CJ, Loved this BIG TIME. Laughed out loud.

I did too, Roberta, when I first read it.

Hope this doesn't make you Gogh out of your mind:


FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH

His dizzy aunt -------------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ---------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ---------- Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle --------------------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin -------------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -------------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ---------------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ----------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ----------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ------------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ----------------------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV ---------- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . .. so there 'ya Gogh

I wish I could have submitted this anonymously:

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject

A buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything".

excellent

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Alcoholic: The glass has room for vodka.

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:
"pour some luke warm water over it."

Wife texts back:
"computer completely f****d now."

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

Cashier: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH ... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!

A young man had been working hard to seduce a young woman he knew at work. To make a long story short, she finally agreed to have a fling with him but only on one condition: they had to go on a cruise at sea; that was the only way she'd give in. This presented a problem inasmuch as the guy knew from previous experience that he wasn't much of a sailor and was prone to violent bouts of sea-sickness if the seas started runnng high.

He went to the local Walmarts (or maybe CVS) and said to the pharmacist that he wished to buy a packet of condoms and a large bottle of Dramamine. The pharmacist looked at him pityingly and asked, "Listen, if it makes you sick, why do you do it?"

A man wants to marry his girlfriend, but in order to do so he has to meet her parents. Unfortunately he lives in the middle of nowhere with no transportation.

So he goes to a local dealer and buys a motorbike for cheap. "It's a good bike," says the dealer, "but the exhaust gets rusty when it rains, so remember to rub some vaseline on it the moment it starts to pour." The dealer hands him a grotty tub of vaseline, and the guy puts it in his pocket and drives off.

"Let's go see your folks" he says to his girlfriend. She arranges a dinner and together they drive down to her parents town. When they're outside the frontdoor she turns to him sharply and says:
"One thing you need to know - we have very strict dinner rules here : The first person to speak during dinner has to do all the washing up."
"Okay," he says shrugging.

After exchanging initial pleasantries with the parents, they settle down for dinner and the room goes silent. Remembering the washing up rule, the guy starts to feel a little cheeky.

Knowing full well that the first person to say anything would have to wash up all the dishes, he casually reaches over and pulls off his girlfriends panties and starts pumping into her over the dinner table. The parents go wide-eyed but they are unable to say anything.

After screwing his girlfriend, he has a look at his mother-in-law and realises that she's actually quite hot. So he bends her over the table too and starts pumping into her as well. The father's expression is pale and extremely startled, but he is unable to say anything.

Outside, droplets of water start to form on the window and the guy notices that it's started to rain outside. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tub of vaseline and -

"Stop," chokes the father, "I'll do the washing up."

A blind man walks into a bar.
Well obviously.

A deaf man walks into a bar.
He didn't hear the warnings from the blind man.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am
by a loud pounding on the door

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain,
is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband,
"it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.

"NO, I did NOT, it's 3am in the morning
and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down,
and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
"God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told,
gets dressed,
and goes out into the pounding rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes back the answer.


"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing,"

Good'un. I didn't see that coming.

chai2: Is the past tense of tweet a twat?

thack45: Twote, maybe?

Lustig Andrei: No, I like 'twat.'

thack45: Me too.