Edinburgh man Wullie McTavish is on his deathbed, surrounded by the nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons.
''So,'' he croaks, ''Bernie, I want you to take the Braid Hills houses. Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield. Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the New Town.''
The nurse is amazed. As Wullie slips away, she says, ''Mrs McTavish, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property.''
''PROPERTY?!?!'' Sarah explodes. ''The bugger had a paper round!''
Two cannibals were having supper. “Your wife makes great soup” said one to the other. “Yes” agreed the first, “but I am going to miss her terribly.”
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
@hingehead,
I found a horrendous joke.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu you need tweetment . If you have swine flu , you need oinkment .
@Jack of Hearts,
Jack of Hearts wrote:
Q. Why can't witches have babies?
A. Because their husbands have hollow-weenies.
You know, of course, why J.S. Bach had so many children. He had no stops on his organ.
@Lustig Andrei,
Down to the dungeon with you! That was r-e-a-l-l-y bad.
even better (worse) what is better than a dozen roses on the piano? Tulips on an organ
@blueveinedthrobber,
One of my mainstays when I played keyboard in the honky tonks.
Old Max had started out as a diamond cutter, and through hard work and good judgement he finally became the owner of a National chain of jewelry stores. He was wealthy indeed.
But now, he lay dying, so he called his wife to his side. “Hannah,” he began, “I always meant to draw up a will but somehow I never got around to it. So pay close to attention to my last wishes.”
“Yes, Max, I am listening,” Hannah wept. “Whatever you want, it will be done.”
“First of all, the business I leave to Harry.”
“Oh, no, Max, not to Harry!” his wife protested. “With Harry it’s girl-girls-girls! Leave the business better to Jerome. He’s at least reliable and has a good head for figures.”
“Alright, let it be Jerome,” sighed the dying man. “To Harry I leave the stocks and bonds.”
“Better you should leave me the stocks and bonds. I should take care he doesn’t squander it on women or cards.”
“Very well, in your name I leave the securities. And the summer house I leave to our sweet Minnie.”
“Minnie!” exclaimed his wife. “What for what does Minnie need another summer house? Her husband didn’t buy her one last year? Give it to Anna – her husband is a poor man. After all she’s our flesh and blood too.”
“Fine! Anna gets the summer house,” he sighed resignedly. “And to our youngest Abe, I leave the car and the warehouses.”
“But Abe has already 2 cars. What does he need with another one? And he wants to be a musician – what would he do with warehouses? Take my advice and give them to Louis.”
That did it! Old Max had taken all he could of his wife’s interference. Raising himself off the pillow and summoning his last ounce of strength, he snapped, “Hannah, you are a good women and have been a fine wife and mother. But listen – who the hell is dying around here – you or me?”
Quote:Knock knock
Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
Bless you!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/maycie/this-knock-knock-joke-vine-is-the-most-adorable-thing-youll
Once again, I wish we could embed Vine videos.
