Where to talk about desperation? (dating)

Reply Fri 1 Jun, 2018 02:13 pm

I am being crushed by desperation. I have absolutely no one to talk about it. But before I start, let me tell you some brief bi about me so we make no wrong idea:

I am 30 years old. I have education, good job and solid income. I have been working out for many years, my body type is athletic. I still have work to do to have perfect ABS but I am getting there. I dress up quite decently, I have my own style that is both decent and original. In social terms, I am a bit loner, but not sad or anything. I have a few friends and when some cool guys pops up, I can always befriend him, that is, unless I am in terrible mood what is happening recently quite often.

The problem is, I never had a girlfriend. 8 years ago I had a lover, she was quite...satisfied with me and before she left, she told me I am all right guy... But ever since nothing and I tried so hard.

I am getting desperate. I thoughts I am unsuccessful because of bad clothes or hairstyle or body type... I fixed that. Because of bad job? Job is now good. No money? Now I have. Shy? Well... I am trying not to be a comedian and if I feel bad, I don't act like "all is fine"... Smile

Once every couple of months I meet a girl I like. Occasionally they might show some interest but it always ends up with painful rejection and me getting completely wasted.

I have absolutely no one to talk about... I understand there are different people in here, some even elderly, maybe some might have some insight, oversight to it? I honestly have no idea what I expect... Maybe I just need some attention this pain is becoming unbearable sometimes... Perticulary because of recent burns....

Thank you for reading and sorry for grammar mistakes... I had one beer (soon to be much much more Smile ).
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Type: Question • Score: 1 • Views: 5,223 • Replies: 138

Reply Fri 1 Jun, 2018 02:15 pm
Just please, one small remark: Don't take me for a loser or a fool. As I mentioned, I kinda do well recently and in social aspect, I can't deny I am being angered, depressed but at least I always had some OK friends and OK relations with other people...I am loner, because all in my family are, but no weirdo.

Thank you for understanding.
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Reply Fri 1 Jun, 2018 03:22 pm
I feel bad when I hear something like this. There could be a million reasons - or no reason - why you find yourself feeling frustrated and alone.

I know a fabulous guy - but his breath will knock you over.
I know a great gal, but she never contribtes to the bill when the gang goes out.
Another tall handsome guy I met weeks ago is a concert pianist and also played with some well known bands. He talked about himself ALL night. Moving from person to person for a fresh audience.
Another guy is nice - until he drinks.

Point is: the word is out about these people and others don’t spproach or want to be around them.

Time for an honest self- inventory. Can you think of ANY flaw that might be off- putting to ithers? If you can’t , then that might be the problem, too.
Reply Fri 1 Jun, 2018 07:15 pm
I feel your pain!!
Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2018 05:51 am
A few thoughts.

1. Depression is a problem that is unrelated to dating (although depression can make it very hard to have a relationship). It is best to separate the two. Hopefully you are getting help for depression.

You say you are feeling "crushed". If you are not in therapy, this would be a good thing to think about.

2. I recommend the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy", by Robert Glover, for the dating issues.

There are a lot of negative messages toward men in our society right now, and the consequence is that there are a lot of men who are reacting in ways that are unhealthy and that make men unattractive. No one is attractive when they are trying to prove themselves.

The solution this book proposes that to be attractive, you first have to find your own value as a man. Many men get into a cycle where they are spending all their energy proving they are worthy of a relationship, instead of spending their time building good relationships. It is a good read.
Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2018 06:10 am
I feel like I have to mention the drinking....

Drinking is counterproductive. It makes you less attractive and less able to build a healthy relationship.

Drinking is also a sign of depression. If you are drinking excessively, you should consider addressing this.
Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2018 07:21 am
Thank you all for reactions!

I will reply each of you in time. I am thinking what I am reading here, when I make up my mind, I will give you the response. Thank you very much again!
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Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2018 07:38 am
But first, let me clarify a few things:

Yesterday I had very bad depression. It was mostly because I met one beautiful girl at work. She... I am not saying rejected me, because that would be confusing, she clearly prefered somebody else and lost interest in me. Normally I am quite rational man and don't fall just for anyone, but this one, she is beautiful and charming. Regardless of what I think of her now because of fear or anger. So yeah, I had to wash down a lot of stress, because now I am going to watch her pretty much every day as she is ignoring me and having time of her life with someone else. I hope you understand my feelings. Given other stress factors, like very, very hard work challenging trainings , pressing study and so ...


So, here I am getting to second part, drinking: I drink. I drink a lot and I drink regularly(Friday and Saturday evening). What you wrote is true, it does slow down my life progress, but regardless of that, I am not gonna stop.

Two reasons for that:
a) This is by far the most efficient way how to release stress as I described yesterday. Today I am fine! Really!
b) A way to heaven often leads through hell and it is true, one of the best feeling in life is simply doing good job in what I do - I work good, I train hard, I study with focus. At the end of the day I feel good about myself but sometimes even I need some kind of pleasant feeling without having to shed gallons of blood prior to that. And alcohol helps me. I get drunk, open youtube, listen to nice music or play games and feel good about myself, about life, everything. Something similar like spending nice time with partner, but toxic and shameful.

Last year because of training purposes I quit drinking for several months. Eventually, I was so stressed I had burnout syndrome for over three weeks. No, thank you. Alcohol kills me, but at the same time keeps me alive. Smile

The solution is not quit drinking. The solution is finding something what gives me the same feelings and I can think of only one thing - love. Nothing else.

And please, do not even try to tell me there are other things that can substitute love!!! Smile Because that would be utter... you know what! Smile Absolute lie!


And lastly, about proving myself - yes, kinda true what you said about me (actually that last line is pretty genius... I have to think long about that!) but I mentioned that rather because in different forum, when person says "I have problems dating" people automatically take him for double chinned loser, neckbeard, living with momma, unemployed, alcoholic (that part is true Very Happy ) , etc. tec. etc. so I did not want to make this impression first - really, I am normal man who even cares of himself.

Just saying.

I am going to react more, but first I need to make up my mind. And drink some booze of course Very Happy (it's Saturday).

Thank you all again! Smile
Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2018 07:46 am
OK, thank you for the reaction.

I think I am pretty clear about this one.

To explain best, let us play a little game: Think of a person you met and like in the past and either chose him or would chose him, if he had chose you back.

Think hard! Focus! Try to recall emotions and thoughts you had about him!

Done? Ready? ok!

Now, here are my 2 questions:
a) Why did you like him?
b) What was his worst trait?


When we choose somebody, it is not because he is all round or has least bad traits - that would be desperate Smile . We choose him because we LIKE something on him/her and his bad traits are not too bad (or we even often ignore the bad things).

That girl from the office I lost, she did not really "rejected" me, she simply found somebody who could give her better what she seeks. Simple as that. I can think of another beautiful girl from this spring - well, I was not her type... Another one from last year, company fired me (not my fault, CEO fired quite more people because he realized he is one big dumbbutt Very Happy ) and she did not want to hang out with loser...etc etc. etc.

So no, the question is, how can I stand better than the others... I think... I would say this... But @maxdancona just game me the idea I need to think of...
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Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2018 08:06 am
Ok, let us jump straight to the core of the problem I think is:

"The solution this book proposes that to be attractive, you first have to find your own value as a man. Many men get into a cycle where they are spending all their energy proving they are worthy of a relationship, instead of spending their time building good relationships. It is a good read."

And above all "Many men get into a cycle where they are spending all their energy proving they are worthy of a relationship, instead of spending their time building good relationships. "

That might be it!! Or at least feels right!


How am I going to build relationships from my position...

Fir instance, the girl from office - yes, this is how I screwed it. I did not pay enough attention to her, I was not confident enough, I did not make her laugh, feel good, so she found somebody who did.

I did not build anything with her. that is true.

Several problems here: I have been single for my whole life. I am not gonna lie, I am ridden with fear and doubts. It is very hard to be charming, confident, pleasant when inner you is trembling from fear of losing again...

I hope you understand what I mean.

second, the situation is complicated. That girl works at reception. It is not like I am going to pick her up at house party! Where I am the only man around! There are 200 men in our company and 5 pretty girls!! and ME was one of those she found attractive! So... There is SOME success when it comes to looks, but the circumstances are...difficult.

And pretty much, this is the same situation again and again. Even is some pretty girl finds me interesting enough to talk to me:
a) I feel fear and have little confidence. And this is NOT something I can control! I hope we understand each other, why is that, right?!
b) The circumstances are always like "I have 1 attempt to convince her to go out with me or I lost her forever etc.", simply, difficult ones. My social value is very bad, I am kinda always the last in a row.

Leg me know what you think of this, please.
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Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2018 08:25 am
"Many men get into a cycle where they are spending all their energy proving they are worthy of a relationship, instead of spending their time building good relationships. "

You know, after thinking, I don't think I do wrong. I do right. women chose men once they find them good enough. In order to be good enough, they need to stand out. And that is what I am trying to do. Simple as that.


So, the conclusion is: I have no clue whatsoever what to do more/better. Except for getting hella ripped, becoming excellent dancer, having better job with better pay...which is gonna take years. That I don't have.
Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2018 08:29 am
I am simply not good enough. Simple as that.
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Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2018 09:53 am
I have given you three practical pieces of advice, things that you can do that might make your life better.

1) Get help, meaning therapy, for your depression.
2) Take your abuse of alcohol seriously. If necessary get treatment for that.
3) Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"; a book that talks about the issues you are facing and gives helpful insight on how to change them.

If you are looking to change, you need to take practical steps to make your life better. If you are just looking to complain, then I apologize.
Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2018 11:00 am
1) no thank you. Do yourself a favor, stop playing unlicensed internet doctor, open a wikipedia and read about "depression". In best scenario, get yourself a uni degree and start understanding technical terms. You have age for that!
2) I am great. No need for anything.
3) I don't care for junk literature meant to make revenue on gullible feeble minded consumers.

now, here is the feedback:

4 years ago I came here with same problem. Since then, I traveled the world, fixed my career, fixed my body shape, gained wisdom and extended education.

I swear I saw you back in 2014. Today, you are still here, giving passive aggressive "advices" to people, getting angry when they don't yes man to you. Do you think this is normal? Do you think this is healthy? From two of us, it is you who needs help, because clearly, it is you who cannot change your life, seeking compensation in spamming junk advices instead of fixing your life problems.

Nice day to you.
Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2018 11:42 am
I validate how miserable your life is. Your life really sucks dude. Is that what you are looking for?

I don't know why else you are here. Saying you are miserable and don't know what to do, and then attacking anyone who tries to offer suggestions is foolish. But if that is where you are, I accept that. Maybe you enjoy feeling "crushed by desperation" and drinking your life away. If that is working for you, it's your life.

I don't know what else we can do for you.

(* I don't think you know what the term "passive aggressive" means. My advice was direct and clear... there was nothing passive about it.)

Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2018 12:20 pm
lol, and I took for a few minutes seriously...
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Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2018 12:38 pm
...I must admit this thread was educational.. It really does not matter who or what you are, the soon as you mention "I can't find a partner" you are immediately ranked as sorry bottom loser... No regards of achievements, education, physique, anything... The case has been closed, judgement done. It is a spiral down...
Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2018 01:31 pm
A downward spiral is a personal choice.
Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2018 01:57 pm
like posting 16k of posts on here....How much did it take you? A college degree time?
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Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2018 02:28 pm
The only thing I have to say right now is that it somewhat odd to treat depression with a depressant.

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