Getting back together because one of us hasn't moved on

Reply Thu 14 Jul, 2016 12:08 pm
So we've been together for about a year. The whole of 2015 was a relative breeze until the very last day of the year. We got into a relatively big fight. But we always managed to resolve it and the following ones. We will always sit each other down and talk about our problems and decide to work it out together. I sincerely agreed to all the course of actions we should take at the point of time.

In April 2016, it was our busy period with upcoming exams and tight preparations, we started to get very impatient with each other. He told me he needed time off, as always when we get into a disagreement or sometimes when he needs to sort things out. I couldn't take the suspense as I was having exams and wouldn't want this to happen again during my other exams. I made a big decision to ask him to take a break, which is to break up, as we both have so much on hand and so many questions in life left unanswered, the reason why we would get into multiple fights.

However, easier said than done not seeing each other suddenly after being so close for a year. We decided to do the FWB thing and kinda became lovers only once a week. We still had the couple mentality. Basically back together without an official title.

Just recently, he got very busy with his commitments, we met less than once a week. I got so paranoid and also started thinking about the moments in the past where he made me not feel like I'm being true to myself. I confronted him over the phone about it and told him I might want to start pulling myself out of his life. Naturally he got very upset and angry because the past seemed so much like a lie all of a sudden. Next day, we met to talk about this in person. I thought he was fine with me as he didn't mind meeting me and we did the usual stuff. We talked abit about the topic of pulling myself out as I wasn't myself while being with him.

Little did I know that he went out with another girl the next day. Someone he knew from those apps to know more people. I only knew this after a week from their first meeting. He was honest as we have promised each other earlier to inform one another if we are seeing someone else. I was very upset and of course feeling jealous and that he belongs to me. So I told him that I will only be friends or more with him if he stops seeing the girl. He agreed at first. But somewhere along the way, he got fed up as I was acting very entitled and untrusting, requesting him to show me texts to the girl he is seeing that he will stop seeing her.

Then the conflict went on and in the end, he didn't stop seeing the girl. He sees the girl as someone who would bring positive influence into his life, which is what he needs to find out what he really needs in life. This also reinforced the reason why we broke up, to learn more about ourselves, to improve as individuals, and hence we should not even be FWB altogether. Just close friends, in case we become loving again and forget to do what we have to.

However, he is a natural flirt and goes a little too intimate with girls whom he is attracted to. When I learn about it, I cannot stop feeling cheated although I know that he really believes in making out casually. He has also told the girl clearly that he is not up for a relationship and they agreed to hang out with no expectations. Even so, I feel that they were meeting way too often. More often than we did as an FWB. So often even when he is so busy with his commitments. I just can't come to terms with it.

Over this, I told him I feel like dying when I think about it and I teared up a lot in front of him. He told me to decide. It is either he tells the girl immediately that he will stop seeing her and get back together with me or I confirm again that we want to improve ourselves first and stay as friends, then if we are meant to be, we will get back together with each other in future.

I asked him if he is really willing to get back together with me. He told me yes and that he is willing to prove to me that the girl he is seeing does not mean anything to him romantically. He explained that he feels bad for moving on with finding out about himself while I still cannot get over him. He cannot bear to just leave me when I am so miserable. He also admitted that part of this is guilt, and that if we are to get back together, he cannot lie that he is actually very disappointed in himself and I. For not being strong enough. For not sticking to what we have decided for both of us. For indulging in our weaknesses.

He warned me that it is a bad idea for now to get back together but it is still up to me. I know for sure that we both still love each other and that he genuinely cares for me. He even said that the only way I would move on is when we get back together and don't work out again.

I told him that I want to give it a shot. So he picked up the phone, called the girl and deleted all forms of contact with her. Then he left looking very upset and saying that he needs to take a few weeks off meeting me but he will not see anyone else.

Question is, am I making the right decision? Am I too selfish? I'm willing to improve myself, be honest and open up, and also gotten a better picture of what I truly want, what I want to be during this three months of not being officially together. I truly think it is possible for us to work out, and find ourselves as individuals while remaining as couples. We just have to change some stuff that was toxic during that one year as a couple.

Please tell me honestly if I am just deceiving myself and if I made the right decision. Thank you.
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Reply Thu 14 Jul, 2016 12:30 pm
While you were not in a committed relationship it was none of your business what he did with the rest of his social life.

FWB means **** buddies - sex only.

That didn't give you the right to fuss about whether he saw anyone else, or how often.


If he's willing to try a relationship with you again, try to be realistic about your expectations. He is not going to change and neither are you. You both have to deal with each other as you are. He is a flirt. Deal with it. You sound clingy. He needs to deal with that.
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Reply Thu 14 Jul, 2016 04:44 pm
Sorry - but you have a "pity relationship."

Let this guy go.

Neither of you are ready for a relationship.

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Reply Fri 15 Jul, 2016 06:21 am
Julios. If a guy truly loves you, he will do whatever he can to be with you. Forget about all the nonsensical reasons he gives you. It sounds like he has a lot of excuses in his bag and you sound like you're really making excuses for him too.

Leave him.
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Reply Sun 24 Sep, 2017 01:53 am
What happened with you both? This sounds familiar to me. I can't advise much since for me it is more recent than you.
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