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I can't change who i am

 
 
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 08:20 am
So I(18yrs old) have issues with my boyfriend's(24yrs old) family. I am an extremely shy person. The only reason i know him is because Me, him and my brother all work together and he used to come over to my house to hang out with him. I don't really get to know people unless they start a conversation with me or approach me first. It takes a while for me to get comfortable enough with someone that i can keep actually keep a conversation with and not be awkward. So his family is him, his brother and his brother's wife, his nephew(Justin), his sister and her husband, his little brother(nathan), his mom and his grandfather. It took me a while to get up the nerve to meet his mom. Even then i was still shaking and nervous and hot and uncomfortable and awkward. but she embraced me and made me feel welcome(at first). I met the rest of his family and they were all pretty cool and they were also welcoming. His mother at some point informed me that its "rude" to say "yeah?" or "what?" when someone addresses you and that i needed to say "yes?"(Which i wasnt raised like that. As long as i wasnt being intentionally rude, just about any response was fine). They first time meeting with his family and being with them all together, his mother looks at me and says that since im her sons girlfriend, i am now apart of their family too and that it was mandatory that i come and help clean/fix my boyfriends new house. Even though i work 3rd shift and had to work that day (which she new) i sucked it up and did it. but apparently while i was there i was being "too quiet" and i thats "rude" and disrespectful". But on their family camping trip that i joined my bf on this past weekend, i was playing with his nephew(5yrs old) and i apparently wasnt playing with his little brother(which i play with his brother all that time without Justin joining.) and it was rude and she doesnt want her son to feel left out when her son his autistic and wants to keep to himself. I played with Justin without Nathan one time. and Nathan was just across the yard playing with his "gf". I highly doubt that he felt left out. and apparently i was picking favorites which was again "rude". and it was his brothers birthday sunday and when it was my turn to give him a gift i tried to hand it to my boyfriend(his brother) to give to him cause i didnt want all the attention on me when i went to give him his gift because again IM VERY SHY. and mother was sitting right there and told me to give him the gift myself so ofcourse, i did. and then the next day his mother is AGAIN complaining to my boyfriend that the fact that i didnt want to give Nathan his birthday day present myself that that was rude to him and i shouldnt have done that yadda...yadda...yadda. and now she is saying that i need to talk to everybody in the family not just a couple people when not only am i not approaching and striking up conversation but they arent doing that to me either and so no, i havent got to know them. AGAIN im an very shy! i will not approach someone who doesnt even acknowledge my existence. so now THATS rude because im quiet whenever im around people who dont talk to me just as much as i dont talk to them. So now i honestly dont want to be around his family. Im fine with him. im completely comfortable with him. Anyone who knows me, knows me as a sweet and quiet person. Only the closest people to me have seen me completely be myself. Im a very quiet, chilled out, well mannered, kind, easy going person in my eyes and just about everyones eyes that i know as well. His family is loud and they cuss with every sentence that comes out of their mouth and they are inappropriate and they arent bad people really arent the type of people, they just arent the type of people i would choose to hang out with. That is them and they can keep be their self. Its not my place to tell them how to live. But the thing is, is that his mom is complaining about me so much that i dont even want to be around them cause i will NOT change who i am and how i was raised or my personality just to get someone's approval.(he lives with his grandfather because of health issues and he doesnt try to get to know me either) And so i cant see my boyfriend as much. cause he is always with his family. so things are difficult right now. What do i do in a situation like this? Ignore his mom? Stay away from his family? or ??? i have a lot of strong feelings for this man and i do hope that our relatonship is too strong to crumble just because i dont get along with his family. but i still dont know how its gonna work itself out.....
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 08:30 am
@Kaykae97,
You are 18.

Enjoy your time with your boyfriend.

There's no need for you to spend time with his family if you don't want to/don't have fun.

Suggest activities to your boyfriend that involve just the 2 of you.

If he pushes activities with his family, make it clear that you want him spending time with you while you are with his family. You are not there to play with his nephew/brother/whoever else.


____


Does your boyfriend say anything to his mother when she complains about you/to you? it really is his place to do that. He needs to learn to stand up for his partner before he gets into a serious long-term relationship.

Also - if she is complaining to him about you - there really is no need for him to pass those messages on to you.

Their family may be used to her bullying behaviours - that doesn't make them right and there is no need for you to put up with it.

Kaykae97
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 09:00 am
@ehBeth,
thank you for your reply!

As far as i know, yes, he says he does take up for me but she shuts him down. She is stressing him out just as much as she is stressing me out. We are both irritated by her behavior. She has only spoke to me personally about some issues she has towards me. The rest i have heard fom her son. Recently when i ran into her she did say that she needed to talk to me at some point right before telling my boyfriend(who was right beside me) that she needed to talk to him alone. A few minutes later he found me and told me what she was complaining about, which most of them i stated above.
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 09:05 am
This is the mother in law from hell. She will make your life miserable. Decide if you want to spend time around her, since her 24 year old son does not seem independent enough to know how to deflect her unwanted, rude intrusions on his life - AND unto you. (why hasn't he told her to keep her opinions to herself and to leave you alone?)


On the other hand, women like this are ALL OVER so you need to toughen up and become more assertive when people try to order you around. It's not good enough to hide behind your feeling that you "can't change who you are." You have to be CONFIDENT where you are. I'm not picking that up. If you were, you wouldn't be with a man/child.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 09:08 am
@Kaykae97,
Good grief.

That's awful. She's a bully.

1. tell your boyfriend not to pass on his mother's complaints. really.

2. avoid her

3. if you absolutely have to spend time with her, be polite ... but cut her off before she has a chance to start in on something.

Make it very short and sweet and get away.

Hi Mrs. X. How nice to see you today. I hope you have a great day. It's been nice chatting. Goodbye.

4. make plans with your boyfriend that do not involve his mother. it may mean less time with him initially but he'll either catch on and make plans with you himself or he'll ask and you can say you'd like your time with him to be with him.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 09:12 am
@Kaykae97,
Kaykae97 wrote:
A few minutes later he found me and told me what she was complaining about


I do wonder about the maturity of a man who thinks this ^^^ is appropriate.
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 09:29 am
@Kaykae97,
You are going to have to find a way to stand up for yourself. It does not have to be rude or even terribly risky. More like, as ehBeth and Punkey are saying, get yourself out of there as quickly as possible. Surely there are tons of activities you can engage in which have nothing to do with your boyfriend's mother. Go to the beach. Play miniature golf. Take in a movie. Go out for coffee at some overpriced place. Go for a drive.

Your boyfriend and you both need more imagination in terms of date ideas. Hanging around his house should be off the table.
Kaykae97
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 09:42 am
@ehBeth,
im sorry but i dont understand why its not appropriate? He should be able to talk to me and tell me anything. and I would rather want to know if someone has a problem with me. As long as that complaint was within reason then i would be more than happy to compromise but there is no compromising with this woman
Kaykae97
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 09:48 am
@jespah,
We both work night shifts and so we sleep during the day and the only day that we both have off together is mondays so its hard to find time for each other. and its hard for him to make time for me and his family seperately so ive always just hung out with them, uncomfortably ofcourse, to make things easier on him.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 09:51 am
@Kaykae97,
He sounds like a five year old tattle-tale.

He should know better than to pass on his mother's complaints about you. If he is going to be a good partner to you, he will tell his mother to stop telling you AND him about her complaints. He will deal with this - and not involve you in it.

He needs to grow up.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 09:53 am
@Kaykae97,
Kaykae97 wrote:
its hard for him to make time for me and his family seperately.


that is something he will need to work on

does he only get off one day a week? if not, he can use one for his family and one for you

he needs to work on making things easier for you in the same way as you tried to accommodate him - even though I'm sure he realizes that it's not reasonable to have you be around his mother
Kaykae97
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 09:55 am
@PUNKEY,
My boyfriend recently told me the story of what happened when he said his first cuss word. He was 8 and his mom found out and PUNCHED him in his mouth. Literally PUNCHED him adn drew blood. She wont deny it either. Its so wrong but in their eyes its okay because unfortunately its the only discipline they have ever known. Ofcourse they fear her. And she makes them feel that they "owe" her because she has done so much for them. And if they ever said something like im sure she wouldnt hesitate to do it again. There is no winning with this woman.
0 Replies
 
Kaykae97
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 09:59 am
@ehBeth,
We both have 3 days off a week. We have set schedules, the days that he is off, i am working. and the days im off, he is working. Until he got with our boss to change his schedule to where me and him would atleast have one day a week to each other.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 10:14 am
@Kaykae97,
good - he has two days off he could use for family and keep the third one free for you

ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 10:17 am
The mother is at least emotionally abusive and, I gather, long time physically abusive. Your boy, still a boy, is not going to change without counselling or at least reading some books about bullying parents, which could be tricky in her house. I take it she is the owner and not him. I'd prefer counselling.

You have walked into a traumatically messy situation and on top of that you are shy and non-assertive yourself, which only adds to the aura of submission.
Although it is good that you are asking questions here or elsewhere.

I'm not unsympathetic, as I used to be shy myself. Somewhere in my later teens and somewhat having to do with the good atmosphere at my work place, I changed from thinking about me, what people thought of me, what will I say? to thinking about them, who they were, their differences from each other, all very interesting - and to do that I started talking more and more, getting more comfortable. I think you two both are in a growing up period, and the mother is no help in that, unless her behavior somehow makes you both more assertive. (see other posters suggestions). I see your present situation visiting there as a kind of endless quagmire. Do you want a life of that?

Kaykae97
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 11:27 am
@ossobuco,
He doesnt live with his mom. He lives with his grandfather at the moment. but is getting ready to move into his own house but unfortunately, its just two houses down from where his mother lives. He says he wants to live close to his family incase of an emergency. And i am not usually like this with people but there is something about meeting parents and families that makes me awkward. I almost feel like its some kind of interview and i freeze up. My job has helped me out a lot and its not as bad as it used to be. Im totally fine around friends and even strangers, and pretty much everyone except his family. Im not sure what it is that makes me close up. I guess that fact that i feel like i have to get them to like me and it puts pressure on me...like an interview.
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 11:35 am
Her interrogations may feel like an "interview - and guess what? You are never to get the "job" (approval to be her son's GF)

Why - of all the places he could have bought a home - he's staying near the one who drives him crazy? What "emergency" could possibly cause him to live so close to her?

You better see this NOW for what it is. He will ALWAYS be there for her and you will come second .

He's 24. Ever wonder why he does not have another GF? Bet mother drove them away, too.

You have been warned, kiddo . . .

ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 11:36 am
@Kaykae97,
Kaykae97 wrote:
i feel like i have to get them to like me


they don't have to like you any more than you have to like them

seriously - his mother doesn't seem to care if you like her

let it go

___

have a good time with your boyfriend - without his family

he may grow up to become a good partner or maybe he is a starter boyfriend and you'll move on to someone more grown-up
0 Replies
 
Kaykae97
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 11:52 am
@PUNKEY,
He lives near her because he has a heart conditon and without his 3rd operation his heart could fail at any minute but if he has the surgery he could die during the operation. so he doesnt want to get it. He says if he is gonna die he would rather die doing something he loves rather than on a surgery table. but since he is very active and does parkour and all that it keeps his heart in good condition.
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 12:17 pm
@ehBeth,
ehBeth wrote:

good - he has two days off he could use for family and keep the third one free for you




Exactly. If he has 3 full days off, he is already spending 2 of them with his wonderful family.

Mothers and other family members realize that 2 people dating want time to themselves. If they say they don't understand that, they've got really big problems.

The one day that you both have off together is YOUR time together. That's how it works.

If you don't have a lot of money to go out, maybe hang around your house for a change. Or as Jes suggested, go to a Starbucks or other coffee place. One of you can buy a small coffee for less than $2 and can literally sit around there for hours to talk. Check around, there's lots of low cost/no cost things to do.

How big is the town you live in?
0 Replies
 
 

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