Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2015 12:24 pm
My guy (new relationship a couple months in) is dealing with a painful illness (embarassing too) right now and has withdrawn. Over the course of a week after a great date night (no sex yet...taking our time getting to know each other!!) We went from long daily talks to daily texts only to finally one that said I am so sorry about all this I am not trying to hurt you, but I am having a hard time with this issue right now. FWIW...it is a real physical problem, ER visit this week. He has always been straightforward with me....always done what he said he would. His actions always spoke louder than words and has said he wants a relationship with me. How much space do I give him? It has only been a few days now since I texted him that I knew he wasn't trying to hurt me and that I understood that he was going through something that had nothing to do with me and that I wanted him to feel better and to be in touch when he felt better. Do I wait to hear from him or can I call?? I really like this man and I do believe he feels the same way as he has said so often. Just a weird place to be in. I tend to be a nurturer, but do not want to smother this man because I genuinely care for him. I also do not want him to think my lack of contact indicates that I do not care. You know? I would love any and all thoughts.
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Type: Question • Score: 8 • Views: 1,402 • Replies: 15
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ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2015 12:39 pm
@gemini664,
Have you thought about sending him a nice little real-life card?

Let him know you're thinking of him, are around if he needs your support, that you look forward to hearing from him again.
0 Replies
 
LiveLoughLaugh24
 
  0  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2015 12:40 pm
@gemini664,
Well so far if he has shown you he is a person of his word, then more than likely he's being honest about his situation. If that's the case, personally, I would give him the space he needs. Believe me, I know it's hard. It can also be difficult when one naturally has a nurturing and caring soul. You just wanna make sure everything is okay. Right? This is where the art of letting go and trusting as well as respect come into play. Trusting that it will work out for your best. No matter what happens you will and survive although hoping for the best which is his returned love and affection to you. In addition to this, respecting his wishes and need for space right as now as he is going through some difficult health issues. Remember too, that everyone deals with health issues differently. What stresses one person out may not do anything at all to another person. Vice versa. If you truly can not resist the urge to follow up ...then give it a few days and send him a light hearted text. Maybe something humorous or thoughtful or a funny picture that may lighten his mood up. Once he gets better, assuming that he will, he'll appreciate your support throught out it all. Smile
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2015 01:04 pm
Is this man just sick or is he really ill?

I know you really like him,, but do you want to enter a relationship with an ill person? Your life might not be what you think it will be.

Give him some space for him to figure out if he can even bring a woman into his life.
gemini664
 
  2  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2015 01:25 pm
@LiveLoughLaugh24,
Thank you. I will do my very best. Its hard though because of the type of person I am, but I do respect personal boundaries, etc.
gemini664
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2015 01:27 pm
@PUNKEY,
He is sick needing surgery likely. Not terminal or permanently life altering or anything like that. Just a painful temporary issue.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2015 04:22 pm
@gemini664,
Well, I can only say from personal experience that when I was in a lot of pain over some embarrassing physical issues, I really didn't want to have to deal with or talk with anyone. People are of course all different, but I'm of the ilk of wanting to say "Please, I feel really bad, just leave me alone."

The idea ehbeth gave of sending a real live card is good. One card, one time.

It's hard enough feeling awful and being around those who know you well. I would think he really doesn't want to have to put on a brave front with someone he likes, and is looking at down the road getting involved with.

How much space?

All the space he needs. From the little you said about him he seems pretty intelligent and sensible. He's not going to forget about you, and will appreciate that he was able to handle all this in his own way.

hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Aug, 2015 04:40 pm
@chai2,
Quote:
All the space he needs. From the little you said about him he seems pretty intelligent and sensible. He's not going to forget about you, and will appreciate that he was able to handle all this in his own way.


Right, but he is not available right now and you have very little invested into him, so no waiting around. Get out, see people, and if this guy wants back in at some point maybe you are available and maybe you have found another guy.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  -1  
Reply Wed 19 Aug, 2015 06:35 am
I don't know . . . a knee operation? or what? Why push away someone dear?

Why the needed "space" ? This sick role could be an excuse. Something else is going on.

She deserves honesty, though.
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Wed 19 Aug, 2015 10:29 am
@PUNKEY,
PUNKEY wrote:

I don't know . . . a knee operation? or what? Why push away someone dear?

Why the needed "space" ? This sick role could be an excuse. Something else is going on.

She deserves honesty, though.



She distinctly said it was something embarrassing. A knee operation is not embarrassing.

You may want to push away someone dear when you're not feeling well, because you want to be left alone when you feel like ****.

Not everyone wants to be what may be interpreted as being hovered over when feeling, and perhaps looking, smelling bad.



0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Wed 19 Aug, 2015 10:36 am
@PUNKEY,
PUNKEY wrote:
Why push away someone?


because some people, when they don't feel well, don't want other people around them

it's not that unusual a reaction

it's a lot easier for many people to offer help/kindness than it is to accept it. there's been quite a bit of research on that
chai2
 
  0  
Reply Wed 19 Aug, 2015 11:02 am
@ehBeth,
I agree with the "it's harder to accept" in general

However, sometimes, and I know you know this, it's actually detrimental to someone feeling better when others overdo the "let me help" thing.

Pain....finally drifting off....suddenly someone's there....here's some juice, anything I can do, do you want, etc. etc......Well, I was just starting to be fine and fall asleep until you showed up. Now I'm wide awake, in pain, aggitated and as unPC as it may be, pretty pissed at you for not leaving me alone for 10 minutes.
Olivier5
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 02:29 am
Daily visit and flowers are in order.
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 03:02 am
@chai2,
I couldn't agree more.
0 Replies
 
mahendar
 
  0  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 03:29 am
@gemini664,
trusting a person wasn't depend upon how many days both of you together its all depends how you understand each other.if you trust then proceed..
0 Replies
 
LiveLoughLaugh24
 
  0  
Reply Thu 27 Aug, 2015 07:23 pm
@gemini664,
Understandable Smile
You'll do great.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romance-redux/201211/five-ways-overcome-feelings-neediness
0 Replies
 
 

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