How to get married man out my head

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I am a married woman and thought I was in a happy marriage. My husband doesn't always do exactly what I want but he is handsome and caring, and I do love him. I had a crush on my Director at work. He was handsome, energetic and a bit wild. I was attracted to the chaos in him, and his intelligence. He also promoted those around him and wasn't threatened by other peoples success.

We were attracted chemically to each other and one night the chemicals bubbled over and we ended up fondling each other until the early hours until I wanked him in his pants and he came.

After that; denial. Until we kissed at a tube station and all those endorphins went wild once more until we ended up having sex. Not as good as sex with my husband. It was different, it was intense, it was forbidden so it felt good.

We carried on for a few weeks going on dates, steeling kisses here and there. One more night in a hotel and a few more barriers crossed. He said he loved me. I didn't think I loved him, I was so confused I didn't know what to think. We both knew we had to get out but didn't know how.

His wife found my messages, just from that day, on his phone. It stopped. We still saw each other for a month but not in a romantic way, just because we worked together. He said he had to save his marriage, and I said I had to save mine. We agreed we could be friends. I went on holiday after that and said I would leave the ball in his court in terms of contact. He hasn't contacted me since. It's been 7 months. I clicked on his LinkedIn profile one day and his wife went mad and sent me an abusive letter saying she would tell my husband if I didn't back off.

So I have not clicked anything or tried to contact him but it all just sends me insane. I love my husband and I feel we have become stronger since I identified what was missing before but this rejection is just killing me. I just want to know how he is. I feel I have lost a friend. Is this just ridiculous **** or what? Am I in some kind of chemical haze? Please someone snap me out of it.

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@SofiaMia12,

For awhile mutual attraction and chemistry trumped common sense. Carry on as you are doing now without carrying that on. You'll be much better off leaving this affair in the past, as exciting as it was. There's far too much for both of you to gamble on and lose with way too much at stake both at home and at the job.

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@Ragman,

Yep; agreed.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to do other things, yes? And trying to make contact is not helping things.

This other guy is staying away, and has for over half a year. Whether that is fully intentional or not is not the point. Take a leaf from that book and stay away, too. And maybe consider counseling, with or without your husband, to try to get some coping tools re what is/was missing from your marriage, and how to get it/get it back without an affair.

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You dont say how long you have been married. Perhaps this is one of the 7 year itches they talk about. The hump to get over is the mundane, predictable and lackluster block in your marriage.

I would suggest that your affair was all so exciting and HE seems to be exciting - that you were attracted to that. So don't beat yourself up about it. You just need to get the excitement back into your marriage.

I am concerned that you don't have more sympathy and concern about his wife. She clearly seems to be in pain. Yet you keep on going back in and trying to connect with him. That is cruel, IMHO. For her sake, please back off.

Turn around and look at what's missing in your own marriage.

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@PUNKEY,

I have been with my husband for 12 years and the majority of those have been fantastic. I sometimes feel it was also the situation I was in. Life wasn't going in the direction I thought it would, it was mundane and it's as though I hit self distruct to spice things up.

I do care about his wife. I have deep regret that I hurt someone innocent that badly. The plan was for neither of our spouses to find out. We wanted to get out before that happened. Something I've learned is that when you are in that chemical haze you are like a drug addict and do not act rational. It is very hard to stop once you cross the line.

I honestly haven't contacted him apart from the profile click, it's more the fact that I want to, and I know that is unfair to his wife. It's not that I want to start the affair again I just want to see how he's doing, we used to have such wonderful chats. I know that is all so innapropriate though, and that I have to stay away, it just hurts.

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@SofiaMia12,

Find a new job. Only "absolute" option.

Personaly, me an my wife do not have opposite sex relationships in any shape or form. We find it as a form of respect and it also help prevent things like this. We are very carefull.

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@Grayman,

I should have explained that we don't work together anymore. He was always leaving the company even before the affair ended. That was going to be our break point, it just came a month early because his wife found out. I have not seen, spoken, or emailed him for 7 months. That is why it is doing my head in to still be thinking about him.

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I totally understand what you are feeling. Perhaps it's the fantasy or it all. For sure, it's the excitement.

If he REALLY wanted to be with you, he would have made that happen. He didn't and you need to understand and accept that.

Most likely, he already has replaced you with another gal on the side. He really sounds like that kind of man who needs the extra excitement on the side to feed his ego. Sorry to tell you, but he's right where he wants to be.

You deserve better.

What about your husband? Are you able to re-ignite something with him?

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@PUNKEY,

Passion is not love. Passion is sexual and like an addictive drug. Passion triggers a portion of the brain that is also triggered by drugs and it can be a force that can consume your mind. If you let it control your life instead of rationality, "you" will not be in control of your life, and the world or the object of your passion will by the controller. It can be destructive. Passion is safe with your husband but it is not necessary for love. Love exists in a rational decision to put someone else first and care about that person more than yourself or your needs. Many people cannot bring back passion in their marriage because it is a built in trigger that is often a driving force by nature for reproduction and not for true love. It goes away with time. If you can seperate the two, you would realize that you do not need passion to love someone and you will be happy whithout it. You will not need to entertain the idea of it. You must abandon it like any other drug.

Love your husband to the fullest , seek the best in him and accept his faults, and you'll discover a different kind of passion. A gentle passion that is just as effective but much more reliable and does not go away. This gentle passion is really just real absolute love. This is the passion of really loving someone. This is a safe and comforting passion. It is the passion of a married couple who know that they will be together forever and that it is not some fling like the fiery passion that you experienced with that other man. It is secure, safe, kind, gentle, joyfull, content, and comforting. It may never be as exciting as the other fiery passion but it is the only one that will give you true happiness.

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@SofiaMia12,

Onething I appreciate here is the thought of loving your husband has not gone out of your head still. You just need to re-ignite it and bond yourself to your husband more.

Think of more ways to ignite the passion, friendship between you and your partner. Whenever the thought of this man enters your head (I know since you shared relationship with him, it keeps entering your head) which a forbidden relti'ship and since you know this, replace it immediately with your husbands love and past sweet memories.

It just takes few days when your head stops thinkin about this person who is absolutely nothing but GARBAGE. TRUST ME.

Take Care.

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@Grayman,

I do understand what your saying and have felt that safe, secure love with my husband. As you say the hair tingling passion will never be the same as it is when you first embark on a relationship, and I got that fix with the OM. looking back it was like a drug that took me over and away from the mundane.

I feel I may of fell in love with the OM, but it can never be the strong love I have for my husband because there just isn't enough substance, time and layering to be at that level yet. So it feels like I am in love with two men, but different love for each. I guess the love with the OM is due to a need in me for something new and exciting so I need to focus on getting that from home instead.

The OM told me he would be in touch, we'd have a coffee some time, but he hasn't contacted me. That makes me feel rejected and confused about what I meant to him. His wife made him write a no contact letter to me, he gave it to me but said it was harsh and her words not his, so it didn't feel like he meant it at all. I sometimes feel I need to talk to him one more time to get closure, to agree that this is the end and we will never contact each other again. He didn't give me that and I feel that has prolonged my withdrawral.

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Thanks for all the posts so far. You have all been very supportive. I don't have anyone to talk to about this so it really helps to get it out. I am starting therapy soon so that should help also.

So another question: I feel like a fraud to my husband and until I can this OM out my head I can't move on and give him the 100% focus he deserves. Do you ever think I should tell my husband about the affair?

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@SofiaMia12,

Quote:

"The OM told me he would be in touch, we'd have a coffee some time, but he hasn't contacted me. That makes me feel rejected and confused about what I meant to him. His wife made him write a no contact letter to me, he gave it to me but said it was harsh and her words not his, so it didn't feel like he meant it at all. I sometimes feel I need to talk to him one more time to get closure, to agree that this is the end and we will never contact each other again. He didn't give me that and I feel that has prolonged my withdrawral."

It sounds like all the evidence points to him not wanting to be in contact with you. It is over in his point of view but he just does not want to hurt you. He, being a man, is not understanding your need for closure. He simply thinks that you will take his ignoring you and blowing you off as a statement of closure in itself. Most men are unconfortable with emotions and try to avoid them. Meeting you would be a revisit to all those emotions and he will not want that. I suggest you just admit to yourself that it is over because you will never hear the words from him.

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@SofiaMia12,

Quote:

"Do you ever think I should tell my husband about the affair? "

Is he happy being with you? Does he love you and want to spend the rest of his life with you still?

You may consider that telling him is the right thing to do, but you also have to consider that by letting him know you will make him suffer the rest of the marriage with that knowlege. If you hold onto the knowlege yourself, you may be the one to suffer the rest of the marriage with that guilt. You may find that you spill it all out later anyways because you just cannot take it anymore.
Telling him this will not be a good thing for him and would only make his life harder. Holding onto this knowlege and then him finding out later would seem a greater betrayal.

If it is his feelings that you concern yourself with most then maybe you should tell him about the affair and give him the opportunity to leave while still letting him know that you love him and wish him to stay but that you would understand.

In the end, if you are not sure that this will never happen agian with anyone, you should tell him what you did and leave him regardless of if he wants you to stay. Do what is right for him and he needs a woman he can be sure to trust.

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What GOOD will come out of you telling your husband?

Listen girl - you made a fool out of yourself and fell in LUST with a guy that does not want anything to do with you now.

You should be very glad that your husband is still there. Otherwise, you would be ALONE now. You may lose him if you tell him about your foolish actions.

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@PUNKEY,

Quote:

What GOOD will come out of you telling your husband?

Listen girl - you made a fool out of yourself and fell in LUST with a guy that does not want anything to do with you now.

You should be very glad that your husband is still there. Otherwise, you would be ALONE now. You may lose him if you tell him about your foolish actions.

There is nothing good in telling him now but it would be worse if he found out later and even found that she kept it from him for so long.

Being alone is a good thing if it helps you to find who you are and resolve personal issues. You cannot be in a good relationship if you cannot be by yourself and independent. If she losses him then it would be what is best for him and she cannot use that as an excuse not to tell him. The only good reason not to tell is that it will make things difficult for him in their relationship, but it will be worse if he finds out later.

Of course it is not a simple matter of don't tell or tell as it depends on the relationship.

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@SofiaMia12,

DO NOT TELL !!! It is nice that you are going to theraphy, get it done and start a new life with your husband. A renewed one.

Never tell anything to him...it hurts him way 2 much. Please do not do it.

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@Chaitukpr,

Are you speaking from experience?

I am definitely feeling not telling is the best option for him at the moment. I don't want to break his trust in not just me but future relationships, and I don't want to loose him. I actually think we could work through it but our relationship would never be the same. As Grayman says if he found out further down the line then he would feel even more betrayed so I really need to decide now and stick to my decision.

I try to put myself in his shoes, and of course I think I would want to know. Holding something this big back from someone you've always been open with is a big thing to carry. But I made my own bed......

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@SofiaMia12,

If you tell him, you're putting your guilt on him. He doesn't deserve it. Mind you, he probably doesn't deserve you either. He's probably a pretty decent guy and you, well... you figure it out.

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@SofiaMia12,

Prioritize the things, 1st main thing is that you don't want to lose him and his trust, so stick to your life not to tell this. The fact is this OM has left [on the other hand you have to leave this OM perfectly and with clear conscience, even if it occurs that he comes back some time in near future to you]

On Priority, never reveal and spit the guilty feeling outside. As I said, restart a renewed life. Take help of some kind of spiritual healing (godly) if it seems helpful.

1 Reply

How to get married man out my head

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