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my wife left me for another man

 
 
kjrc
 
Mon 1 Sep, 2008 04:34 pm
my wife and i have been together for 6 years dated for 3 married for 6 we have two beautiful kids who are only 2 an 1 they are very close in age she recently went to visit a relative and when she returned told me she had met someone and that she had cheated on me with them this hurt me alot but she also made me realize everything i was doing wrong in our marriage but i just think that now its to late because she refuses to give our marriage another chance she wants to pursue this other man and i have had our kids 90 percent of the time while she has been trying to figure out whats going to happen between them but i also went over to where she is staying to see my kids a couple of days ago and we ended up having a really good talk and then we ended up having sex and as soon as we were done she told me she felt nothing i still really don't know what she means by that she said that there wasn't a connection there anymore and that she didn't have those kinds of feelings for me anymore i know everything i have done wrong and i want a chance to change it i just hope its not to late i love my wife so much but she is not willing to give it another shot is there any hope
 
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Mon 1 Sep, 2008 04:47 pm
@kjrc,
Of course there is hope.

But do you really want to race back to someone who is so willing to disrespect you in that way?
Granted, I am not 100% on board with affairs being a bad thing.. though for the most part, I dont agree with them.

How old is she? You?
What signs have you seen before this, that things were wrong?
Can you support yourself and the kids with out her income?
Can she?
0 Replies
 
Rockhead
 
  1  
Mon 1 Sep, 2008 04:51 pm
@kjrc,
KJRC,

I recommend a step back, and no more sex.

Lots of thought, NO SEX...

Good luck, and welcome to A2K
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  3  
Mon 1 Sep, 2008 04:56 pm
@kjrc,
Whoa. Big sentence there.

First off, I'm sorry this is happening. Good for you for caring for your children responsibly.

Second, makeup and last licks (heh, pun a little intended) and post-relationship sex happens. Doesn't necessarily mean a whole helluva lot but it does happen. You are not the first person to experience that.

Finally, your wife is clearly infatuated with this guy. Sounds to me like things are happening very, very quickly. No matter what happens, you need to take care of, in this order:
  1. Your children. They are innocent in this and, at their ages, are very vulnerable. They need food, clothing, shelter, warmth, love, consistency. All of the things they needed beforehand. If your wife is unwilling or unable to do that then you're elected. I do hope you can get some help with that; parenting is a huge job even under good circumstances.
  2. Yourself. You deserve to take care of yourself, and not simply wait on her. See #1 -- you need to get help with the kids so that you can do things like go to work. You need to give yourself time to figure out what's going on. You need to determine whether you want the marriage to come back to what it was. You're entitled to, if you wish, decide that maybe you don't want it to. Or maybe you do -- but give yourself time and don't make any snap judgments. Plenty of snap decisions seem to be being made here. No sense in adding another one to the mix.
  3. Your marriage. Whether that means working to repair it (perhaps through counseling) or working to finalize it is a joint decision. This means your wife doesn't decide things unilaterally but, then again, neither do you. However, of course, if there's a difference of opinion, it's going to go in favor of a breakup. E. g. if only one of you wants to work things out, then I'm sorry but that's a recipe for the marriage ending, although it would most likely take longer than if you both wanted out. If you both want it to be restored, then you'll need to work together -- but getting to that place may take a while.
  4. Your wife -- and I list her more as an afterthought than anything else. But that's a part of things if you two decide you do want to give it another shot. At that point, you need to know why this happened. It does not necessarily mean you are in the wrong and that everything on your end (and nothing on hers) needs to be fixed or altered. But you might want to at least get an inkling of why this happened. Perhaps there were signals that you missed. Or maybe there weren't. Sometimes these things don't end perfectly fairly. That stinks but it's life.


Hope this helps.
Eva
 
  2  
Mon 1 Sep, 2008 05:46 pm
@kjrc,
Good advice here.

I would add:
TALK TO A LAWYER. I know it's a painful thought, but since she has left and she has said she's not willing to give it another shot, you need to start thinking seriously about yourself and the kids. Talk to a lawyer AT ONCE to find out your rights about joint accounts, property, child custody, etc. For the sake of the kids, if not for your own sake.

Believe me, this is one of those times in life when people need professional advice. Grit your teeth and do it. Don't wait!
0 Replies
 
kuvasz
 
  1  
Mon 1 Sep, 2008 07:34 pm
@kjrc,
kjrc:

i am very concerned about your children and you. the only advice i know how to give is that you should find a professional mental health care worker to help you through your feelings and emotions. please do this.
0 Replies
 
kjrc
 
  4  
Mon 1 Sep, 2008 09:02 pm
@jespah,
thank you all for the advice its very helpfull. I Am 23 and she is 22, we are very young we got married at a very young age and a month before we got married we found out she was pregnant my wife has not really worked a day in her life well i mean she has had jobs here and there but nothing for a long period of time i on the other hand have worked since i was sixteen years old i worked at the same job for five years and than something else better recently came up so i took that job and have been there for a year now but its not a guaranteed job they layoff a lot and i am currently laid off but i still have always made the money for our family while she has stayed home to take care of the kids i want her to just give me custody of them because its like the only time she wants to have them is when it is convienent for her i had told her i needed sometime to myself to deal with this and get out with friends but instead she wants to go to the state where her relative lives and this guy also lives and will not give me the time i need i love my kids more than anything but she keeps threatining to take them to this other state everytime we get into a fight and thats the last thing i want so i usually just give in and give her what she wants but she does not realize that i also need sometime to figure things out i just don't know what to do anymore
jespah
 
  3  
Tue 2 Sep, 2008 03:42 am
@kjrc,
Don't give in, hon.

Get thee to a lawyer. Call up your state's bar association, tell them what you've told us, including the part about currently being laid off. You can usually get set up with less expensive legal services but you need to ask.

Your wife wants the man, the kids and to be away from you. You have rights here, and your children have rights and needs that are paramount. Don't just go along to get along, despite how much you are hurting or how much you'd like for things to work out. Get to a lawyer and protect your children and yourself.
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Tue 2 Sep, 2008 05:36 am
@jespah,
I want to second the idea of not giving in.
She may be the love of your life, but please....please.. please.. dont teach your children that relationships should be like this.
Dad should not be constantly hurt by Mom.
Mom should not run away from kids and Dad.
Dad and mom should be friends, lovers, and be respectful of each other.

It is hard to do, but take a break from that relationship for a while.
Maybe she needs to too and that is why she is doing what she is doing.
Give it some time with no sex.
DID you hear that? NO SEX ( between you two...)
Give it a year. See what happens.
But in the mean time.. do talk to a lawyer. If for nothing else other then establishing and learning what a divorce would be for you to be a step ahead of the game.
0 Replies
 
Eva
 
  2  
Tue 2 Sep, 2008 12:05 pm
@kjrc,
You and your wife may be very young, but you're going to have to grow up really fast. You're in deep water now.

Talking to an attorney (a consultation) does not mean filing for divorce. It just means finding out what you need to do to protect your rights (financial and custody rights) given the current situation. You need to do this, for your sake and the kids' sake. Make an appointment TODAY.
0 Replies
 
kjrc
 
  2  
Tue 2 Sep, 2008 06:20 pm
i also had another question my wife's "boyfriend" came up this weekend and she chose to go back with him and her family is going on a vacation next week am i wrong for not letting my kids go just to hurt her i mean they are young enough where they won't even realize i know i should not do that but i was supposed to have some time to myself and she just up and left AGAIN and i just think she needs to get her priorites (sp) straight before she has the kids again because right now i think she is so infactuated with this guy that she is putting our kids on the back burner for now and i don't think thats right either
Rockhead
 
  2  
Tue 2 Sep, 2008 06:55 pm
@kjrc,
KJ, you really need to talk to an attorney...

Also maybe start a personal inventory of the real. You are in the middle of a storm, you need to know where you (and your kids) stand.
jespah
 
  1  
Wed 3 Sep, 2008 03:51 am
@Rockhead,
Yep.

Time to talk to a lawyer. You need objective advice from an experienced professional. In particular, talk to your lawyer about child care/custody arrangements. Kids are not part-time fun to be grabbed at convenience -- they're full-time responsibilities, particularly ones as small as yours. Time to start laying sound ground rules, for their sakes.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Thu 4 Sep, 2008 11:55 am
@kjrc,
I agree with what everyone here has said.

But I'd add that you really should try to use some punctuation in your writing as it makes it much easier to follow. Just a period here and there would help a lot.
0 Replies
 
Psu1998
 
  1  
Sat 8 Nov, 2008 03:10 pm
@kjrc,
My wife and i just seperated. Im 28, she is 25, we have a beautiful 17 month old girl at home too. She has had feelings for another man for 5 years. It seems like she never had the chance to act on them. I sometimes think she has major depression. She does not seem ready for anything I have given her. We had a great 3 years of marriage, but once the baby came along it seems as if she has "check-out" of this relationship. None of my friends and family can believe that this has happened. We were the perfect couple that alot of people said "they have the best relationship". Some of our friends have modeled their relationships after ours. He is 36 and a detective. I can't believe she has done this to me. I admit that I was "shuffling my feet" with some things in my life like my career. I am changing everything in my life now. I have come to realize that she never valued me, our marriage, and sometimes I feel our daughter. Bottom line, I'm leaving her broke ass ! She thinks that there is something better out there, well be my guest. I have all the support, even from her family. I'll be fine and so will you. We have to stand up for ourselves now. Believe me when I say, they will realize one day how bad they screwed up. She'll be back. But I know I will not be there ! I'm moving on, and I say to you the same. "F" the bitch. There are plenty of other women who would kill to be with men like us. Just don't go marrying any of them again ! Good luck guys, we'll be ok.
kjrc
 
  1  
Wed 19 Nov, 2008 05:58 pm
@Psu1998,
yeah that day has come my wife came crawling back now after 4 months she wants to come home and be a family with me and the two kids she pretty much abandon for 4 months and i just don't know what to do she is still miles away in another state and with thanksgiving right around the corner next week there is not way she will even be here for it but she said she is done with this guy she has been seeing for the past 4 months on and off but she doesn't know if she wants to come back and work things out with me because shes afraid she won't get her feelings back for me but anyway yeah most of her family is on my side also her father hasn't even talked to her for 2 to 3 months because of the way she is acting
jhon
 
  1  
Fri 28 Nov, 2008 05:02 am
@kjrc,
almost same with me. i don’t know what to do but same 4 months how can she justified this time. because when she was with me we know even each other’s single minute. there is a gap between us we have no kids that’s why i am with other girl and planning for marriage. i am in fix because still i have some feelings for her i want to grip her kiss her but i don’t know are these only sex related or love related. but i took some time and also gave her some time to decide without close relationship i want to decide without going close to her. This was also for you but cant say it advice because I am also in same position and nothing proved yet and one thing more this time I want to only think about my self like am I happy with her or not I decided that I will not think about her as she was crying and apologizing. Which was her regular routine after break ups with me but its sixth time. and thanking to God that we have no kids right now but if we have kids then I would be little lenient. You decision will be also helpful for me so must post your decision
0 Replies
 
OmSigDAVID
 
  1  
Fri 28 Nov, 2008 09:01 am
I wish the best of good luck to all of the afflicted
and abandoned husbands.

It really feels GOOD to have no wives and no children.





David
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Fri 28 Nov, 2008 10:59 am
@Psu1998,
If you can find it in your heart to forgive her, you should do so, especially since
you have a child.

People do deserve a chance to redeem themselves, as long as they know that
this is the only chance they're given.

Good luck to all!
0 Replies
 
sullyfish6
 
  1  
Fri 28 Nov, 2008 08:12 pm
I think the most revealing sentence in the OP's post is:
"she also made me realize everything i was doing wrong in our marriage"

Why do these guys seen SO surprised when the wife takes off??
0 Replies
 
 

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