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How to get married man out my head

 
 
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Wed 13 Aug, 2014 07:00 pm
Noticed this:
Not one cheater can address the pain they're causing to others....lol. They either can't face it or don't care.
0 Replies
 
Romeo Fabulini
 
  1  
Reply Wed 13 Aug, 2014 08:08 pm
Quote:
Sofia said: we kissed at a tube station and all those endorphins went wild once more until we ended up having sex.

On the platform?
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Wed 13 Aug, 2014 08:21 pm
@Romeo Fabulini,
Ok that was hilarious !!
0 Replies
 
Martie
 
  1  
Reply Thu 14 Aug, 2014 12:49 am
@FOUND SOUL,
Thank you for your post. There is a long history with my partner which am I am not going to go into. You are right that things need to be addressed there. I did not come on this forum either to seek advice on my marriage or to seek advice on my affair. I was sympathising with someone in a similar situation. My affair was wrong I know that. I know no matter what is going on in a marriage am affair is not the answer. However that is where I found myself.

No one knows another persons situation and none of us have the right to judge. I have been accused of all sorts if things in this forum, being a narcissist being one of them among many others. I made a mistake, I was wrong I never said I didn't or I wasn't.

Yes my affair partner hasn't after 8 weeks come running after me. I never said I wanted him to. And what he does now is his business nothing to do with me. I am trying to get on with my life.

I need to heal. A broken heart however it is acquired is a painful thing. I need to heal from this and then work on my relationship or leave.

People deserve compassion and understanding.
phoebe4
 
  1  
Reply Thu 14 Aug, 2014 12:53 am
Don't end up as a home wrecker. Stay away from temptations and think about your husband if you really love him.
0 Replies
 
OmSigDAVID
 
  2  
Reply Thu 14 Aug, 2014 01:04 am
@Martie,
Martie wrote:
People deserve compassion and understanding.
Well said!





David
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Thu 14 Aug, 2014 04:17 am
@Martie,
I'm one of the most compassionate persons here, not really but I am compassionate.

I see the reality of life. We make mistakes, no one is perfect.

I do know you replied to a thread and didn't start your own. There is nothing wrong though in throwing things out there. If you take one thing from something "someone" said and it helps, then it was worth reading.

It's your choice re your partner and the history and what can or can not be addressed and what you intend to do about it. I find that time is something that helps, the realisation of where you are at and the desire to be who you want to be.

I feel that we belong to ourselves. We live this life once and once only. If we are not happy where we are, we owe it to ourselves to find that inner peace and happiness. I guess we also owe it to the other person so they also can feel the same "eventually" for both.

Nothing in life is easy. Everything is hard work.

I don't judge. But I can see. I see you as a sensible person who made an error but made a good choice by finalising it. It had to happen, you can't live like that and regardless your husband does not deserve that, he may deserve you to feel broken and look as he won't fix, we won't ever know, but I do agree and I'm sorry that I wish people would "walk" then do. That's just my honest thoughts on the said subject.

I do however, understand if the person hurts and walks away from an affair and is trying. Forgiveness is also part of life.

You'll find that I and others are not happy with selfishness that's all which you have not displayed.

You do need to heal. We have all had a broken heart and some more than once in our lives if only though you could love yourself enough to realise that the strength you found, is actually you and you are beautiful and you do deserve love and if you don't have it, are not happy, then you deserve to walk and find it.

It takes two to work on a relationship, if he is willing and you are willing after you heal, that's great. If he is not, remember, you are important.

I know you never said you wanted him to and I suspect you hope he is hurting and just not contacting you so you can heal. I've never on any Forum read where a man does that. He tends to be happy with his life, lies a little, loves the other woman for what she gave him but not "soul like" as he does see her as mistress. A bit of guilt sets in but he wipes it away, he often blames his wife for why he did it and he's ready to do it if he ever gets caught out. It's like.... What he is missing he can find elsewhere if it is there and if that happens he takes. It's the animal kingdom where some of the Eves never bit the apple but if they did, Adam takes Smile

You have my compassion. And, understanding, because you walked away on your own accord and you made a mistake but not because you were greedy, wanted lust. But I think because you were broken and your other half wasn't prepared to fix it.

I hope it's not too late for you or that he won't try now.

I don't know if hiding what happened is a good thing but then that's your decision.

I don't know your story to comment on that and I respect you don't want to share it.

If you learnt something? Then that's good.

If you can choose your path and be happy eventually, as a result there will be something that will stick in your mind, not so good but aim at being good to yourself and your life and others and put it behind you.

Like I said, Martie, you walked, you feel, you regret, you aren't judging yourself rather asking for forgiveness to yourself.

That's a great start.

You can heal by thinking.

He was home with his wife.
He slept with his wife.
He never came to find me and asked me to leave my husband for him.
I made a mistake.
He verbally and emotionally told me all I needed to hear.
He held me and loved me as I wanted.

But, if that was all real, he would have found me and asked me to leave and visa versa of his own marriage because living without me would be un-barable.

He didn't.. So he had his game plan but I learnt from it and I found things I missed. Now to decide whether to try to mend my marriage or move on and find someone who will love me and "not cheat on me" Smile But for who I am and all that I am, who is single.

Take care mam.

Don't cry either. Life goes on, so get that life happening..

The other lady that replied whom I don't even want to mention, was looking for someone "in my opinion" to validate what she "wants to do" but in such a selfish manner that none of us can fathom. Including asking you a million questions when you, yourself, need to heal.


Martie
 
  1  
Reply Thu 14 Aug, 2014 04:57 am
@FOUND SOUL,
Thank you for this post. I found it very helpful and I agree with a lot of things you said in it. I totally agree with your assessment of the affair partner and I know it is right that it is over. It has been difficult.

I only speak for myself on here and have seen that there have been a few exchanges with others.

My comments about judging were not really directed at you but if you see the earlier threads I thought there was some very unfair stuff being said about me. As I have said many time I know I was wrong. I am trying my best to move on from that. I do need to do something a out my relationship and I will once I am in a better place. Even though I have done wrong I do care about my partner, he does not feed m narcissistic tendencies nor am I wilfully and deliberately doing things to him in how I am treating him.

I know it was not you who said that but I found that level of judgement hurtful as much as it was untrue.

You have been very kind.
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Thu 14 Aug, 2014 05:25 am
@Martie,
Let me say this.

The one thing we need to learn in life is "learning".

Those that do deserve a lot, because life is about learning and if we do that, from our mistakes then we achieve in life.

I know this is difficult. You can read a thousand "mistresses" threads anywhere I have . It's the same. Just work towards you and your new life what ever that will be.

The fact that I know that you aren't just grieving but keep saying you were wrong means you should not have judgement laid upon you.

**** happens in life.

Stay with us . And maybe keep talking about your next moves.

I think those that have been hurt from simular things being the woman that was cheated on, can have some understanding, just not one with selfishness.
Martie
 
  1  
Reply Thu 14 Aug, 2014 07:00 am
@FOUND SOUL,
Thanks.

I appreciate that there are those on here who were the wronged person in an affair situation and I can understand how painful an experience that would be.

I don't think people can assume others are or have behaved in the manor their erring spouse did.

However this is all by the by. I am grateful for your comments and I agree with the majority of what you have said.

Whatever my affair partner felt for me it wasn't enough and that is really all I need to know. I think I have done all I can in terms of moving on. New job, cut all contact etc. Just need to heal now and go from there.
0 Replies
 
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Fri 15 Aug, 2014 02:13 pm
@OmSigDAVID,
People deserve compassion and understanding... I find it difficult to empathize with people who don't extend this sentiment to their spouses.the way I see it:
1. A person stays in a marriage expecting the other to be in love with them. By withholding the truth a cheater denies their spouse the opportunity to find someone who is willing to be completely invested in the relationship.
2. Cheaters state they love their spouses....but not enough to let them move on .
They believe their spouses don't have the same needs they have...for passion, etc. So--it's a very self-centered way of thinking. What kind of passion can you give someone you're not in love with?
3. So they keep their spouses for security or for whatever reason...but are ok to let them go if or when they work things out with Mr./Mrs. Right.
4. How can you take care of a spouses needs when you're not even in love?
I don't understand the personal details...but I doubt most people would stay with someone who is in love with someone else. So they keep their spouses by their side through deceit...
0 Replies
 
SofiaMia12
 
  1  
Reply Mon 18 Aug, 2014 12:09 pm
@Guru love,
Hi Guru. That is an interesting take on it. I'm not sure what the truth is, and have accepted I'll never know. I know what it meant to me though and I will always remember the sadness. It is enough to put me off affairs for life! I am over him, which is a huge relief. I'm very much in love with my husband and we are trying for a baby Smile I still feel guilt and that is my punishment in a way I guess. I wronged my husband, who is a beautiful person. I'm very good to him now though and will never take that sad, lonely, deceitful path again. Onwards and upwards Smile
0 Replies
 
SofiaMia12
 
  1  
Reply Mon 18 Aug, 2014 12:14 pm
@Martie,
Hi Martie. I feel for you. I know how lonely and painful it is. You are literally coming down off a drug, so give yourself a break. Be kind to yourself, buy some treats, cry...but not too much, listen to music (tears dry on their own, Amy Winehouse). You will get through it with time. If you do contact him it will reset all the healing.

Good luck.....we're not all bad Wink
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Mon 18 Aug, 2014 02:37 pm
@SofiaMia12,
Sophia...it was t long ago you posted your scenario...Are you kidding me about trying to bring a baby into this world?? A baby is not a token of your solidarity...it's a human being. I'm not anti-divorce. I'm anti cheating.
SofiaMia12
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Aug, 2014 08:14 am
@Germlat,
It was over 2 years ago. How long am I supposed to wait before putting things behind me and moving on? I am in a happy, stable relationship. What better environment to bring a child into?
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Aug, 2014 10:56 am
@SofiaMia12,
I think I got you mixed up with another poster. If you're past it and have resolved differences then congrats.
SofiaMia12
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Aug, 2014 01:00 pm
@Germlat,
Thanks Germlat. I was the person who started this thread. Quite a lot of people have added their own stories along the way.
0 Replies
 
Martie
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Aug, 2014 01:08 pm
@SofiaMia12,
Hi SofiaMia

Thanks for your comments. It is encouraging to know from someone who has been through this that it gets better. I think you are right about it being like a drug.

I made the conscious decision to stop any contact. I won't lie though it is very hard. You are absolutely right though that any won't set back the healing process.

I am really pleased things have worked out with you.
Martie
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Aug, 2014 01:10 pm
@Martie,
Will set back the healing process that should say. I wish you the best of luck.
SofiaMia12
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 12:40 am
@Martie,
I found it very hard for quite a long time, but now I'm out the other side I feel much stronger than before it all. When you succeed giving something up it adds a layer to you and makes future trials that little bit easier. So hang in there and you will reap the rewards.

Good luck.
 

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