How to get married man out my head

Lots of good luck, Martie.





David

Martie....Geez. My ex-husband was in love with another when we married....of course, he failed to let me know this. He told me I was his world...blah, blah...I believed him. He treated me as if I could never do anything right. I was deficient, deficient...I was hurting horribly. I internalized the lies. I felt confused. One day, when our son was 4 months old, I finally got it. I found a card for another woman...it talked of genuine love. I felt like a used tool...I had just had his baby! I confronted him...he denied it and said it was an old card. The date the card was manufactured told it all. I didn't confront him further as it was obvious at this point that I was his narcissistic supply. He didn't care about me or my shattered life. He married me to make her jealous...I filed for divorce. Love left my heart when I realized he had used me. He never signed the divorce papers....I moved on.

Do you really think your partner feels complete?! Now--your lying to yourself. You think your partner isn't feeling your absence...get real!!

Thank you David. I joined to get some support from others who had been through the same thing. I know people will not agree with affairs. I don't advocate them myself but here we are. I am trying to get over someone who was very important to be. The fact my pain comes from an affair doesn't make it any less real. I have never and would never take it out on my partner. The affair is on me. And yes affairs are wrong but we are none of us perfect.

Then why not come clean and quit using someone else as a tool? I have no problem with someone falling out of love...it's the lies that bother me.

I am very sorry this happened to you and I can understand why you are anti people who have affairs (over and above them just being wrong) My situation is nothing like yours.

Every cheating situation is the same: Your cheating someone of the truth.

Please do not assume to know me or my partner and what we feel. You are entitled to your option but you are making it personal and you can't know these things. I have spoken to My partner several times about my unhappiness in the relationship and he knows as well as I do there are very significant problems. He would prefer to stay together.

Please explain how you are different...and how the other person getting screwed doesn't count....please tell me how you're that special.

I don't claim to be special. All I am saying is everyone's situation is different.

My partner is not a nuisance. You are judging my situation by hours they are not the same.
He does count and I do give a crap. I am sorry you are full of anger and are still affected by what happened to you.

No...your partner is not a nuisance ....As a matter of fact he/she is your narcissistic supply. No anger here...you're so unfair though ....your poor stupid partner...damn, if they knew.....they will eventually.

I don't think continuing this chat is productive. We are none of us perfect. You do not know my situation or me.

I bet it's not....I think it's not agreeing with you. Go ahead and lie to yourself about the damage you're creating ok?!

No, it's not that fact you disagree with me. I fully accept I am in the wrong. It's the fact you are being personal. I wish you all the best.

Me too Martie...it's the fact you don't get other people's pain.....

I see a different take, one of selfishness. There you go again, all about you, someone to hurt with you, share with you. When in reality, the last thing Martie is going to want to do is spend the next 5 years weaning you off this high you have, she has herself to consider.

Un-like you, she's cut ties already, she did it. That took strength and courage and whilst it hurts her, she's changed her life to get on with it.

Yet, you "hurt" and refuse to grow up and leave your husband and live a life, you prefer to be that emotional cheater that deep inside wants to have sex with this guy, fantastise about it, dream about it, because your husband talks babyish to you during sex when he did have sex.

Yet, we've suggested to you that you could change that, that more than likely you laugh at him when he does it or after, tell him you don't like it, not in an Adult way, discussion or being forthright yourself and assertive towards him. Often the cause of someone not being sensual in intimacy is the partner that person has to contend with.

Someone who walks away and realises has to be admired to a degree and be thought of as "she made a mistake". Someone who is heck bent on continuing and only wants validation to do it, go for it, doesn't want help, is destroying peoples lives, knows it, doesn't care and selfishly expects support.

Leave your husband, he deserves to find someone who laughs and smiles with him in the bedroom, not just outside making money so she can live and never have to leave and save face with her child.

I don't know how old you are, not that that matters. But let's look at this. Your Partner has been made aware of your un-happiness, by the way what is that? What makes you un-happy in your marriage? He knows, that they aren't small problems but rather large but HE prefers that you stay together.

So, where did the marriage councelling come into it? So he knows how un-happy you are but he prefers to stay. So as "he" prefers to stay, your option is to cheat on him . At that time that he stated he would prefer that you stay together did you state "only if we get councelling?". Or, "we have to work on these problems or I won't be able to stay, it will feel like a friendship not a marriage and I don't cheat but I do deserve to be loved" .

Sounds as if you talked it out, he made that comment, you walked away and made the management decision that you were stuck in this marriage end of story, got further down and out and then someone, walked in and made you smile and that became your solution.

We do have options. I don't honestly understand why people just don't walk.

I don't get why he decided you both are going to stay where you are without any work on the marriage.

Why people think that a marriage is not work, is beyond me. It's constant work be it a smile when you feel down, a nice word to make them feel special, it's work.

Anything casual isn't work, as there isn't much time involved. Off course they will support you emotionally, that's how it all starts. They will continue because that's how they keep you.

This guy changes some things, you didn't like them, felt used and so cut the connection, 8 weeks later you are still hurting but he hasn't moved hell and water to tell you he loves you and will leave his family for you, the sad part of this is, now that he has a taste, he will trust me, he will, go and do it again, if he hadn't already done it before. You become a number.

If your husband refuses to leave, refuses to fix things between you, you have to see that nothing will change and friendship is exactly that and only that.

You can't afford to go down this path a second time. What's done is done.

You should tell him. After all it sounds as if he made a blanket statement and has never tried to solve the problems between you both. At least he can make a decision whether or not he wants to walk away now and be hurt, or stay and be hurt but hopefully forgive and seek help for the marriage.

You do owe him that, but you need to as well to get the skeleton out of the closet and gain full closure on this.

She wants someone to talk to that has already done it, so she can hear all the glory of the "love" that she wants badly to taste in her mouth, no pun intended

Yet I imagine our other party truly wants to get over the hurt and leave it behind somehow which is where our friend wants to head but doesn't get it.

Selfish in itself : )

Divorce itself is everywhere even in Aussie Land.. I've had to go through it myself, not sure if he is going to sign the papers 6 years later He was simular to your ex, such an emotionally draining person who felt constant putting down gave him some control. I said pftttttttt to that In the end and WALKED, then had sex, somewhere down the track... That's what you do, you walk.

There were several guys ready to jump on me the day I decided, would have been easy to fall into someone's arms for comfort. But, then that would be cheating

But Germlat, in all fairness, some people are weaker than others and will take that hug quite innocently and some guys are extremely smart at manipulation to get what they want, say all the right things. I think sometimes we have to see that it takes two and be there for someone, not everyone is strong and can walk away from a marriage first... Nor see the writing on the wall, at first. I do get at some point they do and the selfishness comes out, well I'm just going to have to go with the "Devil got ya"...

Though a strong woman who claims she has a heart and puts down her husband, pushes him away, and craves for someone else and tells him, that someone, refuses to walk as there are finances involved, family that would find out, may be outed, is a selfish person that doesn't deserve any support or advice.

You're correct. The selfishness is out of sight !!