How to get married man out my head

@SofiaMia12,

This is why I thank God I was not born a woman! Men have no problems ending flings. It's easy for us to move on.

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@SofiaMia12,

Yep; agreed.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to do other things, yes? And trying to make contact is not helping things.

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@SofiaMia12,

Seems to me the wife of your lover got things pretty much under control... Him not contacting you is probably just out of fear of her. He hasn't rejected you but he is putting his marriage first.

Regardless, you both agreed to move on and must do so now, or the wife will blow the both of you off...

Feel content that your husband never learnt about this. Your ex-partner's life must be quite miserable now, in comparison to yours.

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@Olivier5,

"Your ex-partner's life must be quite miserable now, in comparison to yours."

How do you know that? Bet this gal was one of a long string of girls he wined and dined and the wife knew it and stopped him. She probably knows about all of them.

This type of guy needs a constant supply of naive women to build up his ego. I bet he has moved on to another victim or two. He loves the excitement of the chase and that's how he gets his jollies. That's his idea of being happy: devoted wife and a little hottie on the side.

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@PUNKEY,

Let's not fall into reverse sexism. This guy looks decent enough. From the story told in the OP, those two hesitated a long time before taking the jump... Doesn't look like a serial dater to me. Also, his wife seems to be holding him by the balls, which does not tally well with your rather nasty stereotype.

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@SofiaMia12,

He doesn't want this to continue. He knows he made a mistake stepping out of his marriage with you. He may be attracted to you but he obviously isn't leaving his wife for you. He made his choice. His wife. Sounds like you have a good man who loves you. Consider yourself fortunate and Love the one you're with...

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@Olivier5,

I wrote this post over a year ago. With hindsight I think Olivier is right, my world is much nicer than his and I had a lucky escape. His wife literally had him by the balls because he was made to have a vasectomy after she found out. I spoke with her when she found the texts and it certainly didn't sound like she'd gone through it before. All I know is that period in my life made me feel lows I never want to go to again. The guilt is with me for life and I do hate the stain I put on my marriage. I want to tell my husband so there are no more secrets, but I won't because it will break his heart. Thisis my mess up so I'll deal with it.

Punkey: I am not naive. I fell for an interesting guy while I was going through a bad patch. We spent 2 years before the first kiss. But I will take the hottie reference Wink

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@SofiaMia12,

Told you so... Always shy away from cliches and stereotypes, whether they are against women or against men or whatever. Punkey's knee-jerk reaction was to blame the man in the relationship, seen as evidently manipulative.

A woman forcing her husband to have a vasectomy... Jeeeshush. Sad

That's castrative or I don't know what is.

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@SofiaMia12,

Forbidden is the word ! Once it is no longer that this will loose its luster. Are you ok with your husband finding out and realizing he deserves better? Believe me he will if he knows. Then you'll get to enjoy watching him love somebody else!

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@SofiaMia12,

Give it up! You connected with him at a very bad time..adding to his confusion, shame, and discord. If someone wants you...nothing can keep them from you. Be a sweetie and think what his wife ( yep..the one he promise to honor and respect) must feel like. What if you were her. Maybe you'll find out. But then...maybe you would not want to be her.

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@SofiaMia12,

God love you. We all have skeletons in our closets.just be glad the closet wasn't open for all to see...believe me there are worst fates. Be good to your man!

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@Grayman,

I have to totally agree here. Passion is not always love and its like an addictive drug. I have been having an affair with an ex. Actually was my first guy I ever had been with so when we got back together the passion was amazing. Although I love my husband I never had passion like that with him so in my mind it was like my ex must be my true love to have this passion with and the scariest thing about ending the affair is never feeling that passion again. My husband knows about the affair and has actually tried to make our sex life better since he found out and yes its better but not the same. So now I wonder am I even in love w/ my ex or was it just the passion I am addicted to. I know its hard for you to not want to contact him. It's just like if someone says you can't have that chocolate bar and you didn't even want it but now you know you can't have it you want it even more. If you figure out how to get him out of your head let me know cuz I need to do the same thing. I just try to stay busy but its at night or when I am bored that the thoughts sneak in your head and drive you insane. At least for me thats how it is.

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@SofiaMia12,

You need to find friendship in your husband not with this man. He really wasn't a friend this was purely physical from what I take . Also having an affair at work can never be good. Hope you renew your marriage but what you did was very dishonest and just like I said you must be lacking something in your marriage.

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@SofiaMia12,

Quote:

I am a married woman and thought I was in a happy marriage. My husband doesn't always do exactly what I want but he is handsome and caring, and I do love him. I had a crush on my Director at work. He was handsome, energetic and a bit wild. I was attracted to the chaos in him, and his intelligence. He also promoted those around him and wasn't threatened by other peoples success. We were attracted chemically to each other and one night the chemicals bubbled over and we ended up fondling each other until the early hours until I wanked him in his pants and he came.After that; denial. Until we kissed at a tube station and all those endorphins went wild once more until we ended up having sex. Not as good as sex with my husband. It was different, it was intense, it was forbidden so it felt good.We carried on for a few weeks going on dates, steeling kisses here and there. One more night in a hotel and a few more barriers crossed. He said he loved me. I didn't think I loved him, I was so confused I didn't know what to think. We both knew we had to get out but didn't know how.His wife found my messages, just from that day, on his phone. It stopped. We still saw each other for a month but not in a romantic way, just because we worked together. He said he had to save his marriage, and I said I had to save mine. We agreed we could be friends. I went on holiday after that and said I would leave the ball in his court in terms of contact. He hasn't contacted me since. It's been 7 months. I clicked on his LinkedIn profile one day and his wife went mad and sent me an abusive letter saying she would tell my husband if I didn't back off. So I have not clicked anything or tried to contact him but it all just sends me insane. I love my husband and I feel we have become stronger since I identified what was missing before but this rejection is just killing me. I just want to know how he is. I feel I have lost a friend. Is this just ridiculous **** or what? Am I in some kind of chemical haze? Please someone snap me out of it.

You're story is quite a story. I truly understand your feelings. You're not in love with your husband or you would had never cheated. To me it seems you're not in love with either man. How are things for you now?

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@SofiaMia12,

Quote:

I wrote this post over a year ago. With hindsight I think Olivier is right, my world is much nicer than his and I had a lucky escape. His wife literally had him by the balls because he was made to have a vasectomy after she found out. I spoke with her when she found the texts and it certainly didn't sound like she'd gone through it before. All I know is that period in my life made me feel lows I never want to go to again. The guilt is with me for life and I do hate the stain I put on my marriage. I want to tell my husband so there are no more secrets, but I won't because it will break his heart. Thisis my mess up so I'll deal with it. Punkey: I am not naive. I fell for an interesting guy while I was going through a bad patch. We spent 2 years before the first kiss. But I will take the hottie reference

One day you'll be happy.

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@SofiaMia12,

another woman lacking compassion but claiming she has it. Typical. You also seem aged, and you still don't have control over your emotions? is this also typical with most women?

If you LOVE someone, you will not do something that could hurt them. This goes for the dude too, but at least hes avoiding you, so he's at least doing his part. I've been in a relationship and there are times when I meet other girls that have a "spark" between us. I never act on it, because I'm in control of myself, I love my girl, and have a strong sense of morals.

YOU do not have that. You cheated. You should tell your husband. Now you're wanting to see this guy again after you guys agreed not to see each other so you can save your marriages? What is wrong with you? What do you think is going to happen if you start talking again? I mean, it sounds like you still like this guy and want something to happen. Cheaters I cannot stand.

By the sounds of it, it sounds like he left you in the dust and you're hurt by it. You just went a long with it because you didn't have a fall back. What if he had not gone away to save his marriage, would you have done the same?

While I'm all for people being the happiest they can be in life, you shouldn't do it at someone else's expense. Think about it, IF this guy had not gone, would you guys still be doing stuff? If that's so, then you should end it with your husband. Sounds like you're just with your husband now out of default and you don't want to lose everything.

Hope this wakes you up. Have some sense. Have some compassion.

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@crayon851,

It is easy to judge. I was faithful for 12 years and had a 5 week slip up with someone I had known for two years. I was 32 at the time. It's been 2 years since the affair and I have a fantastic marriage and no need to see the other guy. It actually makes me feel sick when I think back to it. I even thought I loved the OM, whereas now I know I was just an addict and being irresponsible. Whatever some people think of cheaters we ate just normal people. It can happen to anyone so don't be so righteous. I have learnt my lesson and will never stray again.

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@SofiaMia12,

1 year and 6 months if you are counting.

Quote:

Now I just hold the guilt of what I did when I look at my husband. I want to tell him so that he knows everything but as many have advised in earlier posts

So why is it a fantastic marriage now and wasn't then?

Did you ever tell him?

Good if you have learnt to work with the person you are with...BUT, he still doesn't know what you did?

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@FOUND SOUL,

To be honest there was an issue in my marriage because I was the main earner supporting my artistic husband. This meant long hours for me and not much seeing the good life I should because I was 'keeping' him. I fell for a successful man that supported his family and was attracted to the idea of being looked after. When the affair ended I went to therapy and all this came out, I realised that money did matter. So my husband got off his butt and has finally got a career. The pressure is off me and we are enjoying the fruits of our labour. There was resentment before and now it's gone.

I haven't told him and don't plan to. He knows there was something wrong in that period but he has never pushed it. I think it would ruin a really good relationship, we have both changed since then so why dredged up old news? The affair brought this marriage so close to devastation that I count my lucky stars I was able to get out. I fear him finding out but will cross that bridge if it comes to it, which I hope it doesn't.

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@crayon851,

crayon851 wrote:

YOU do not have that. You cheated. You should tell your husband.

Sir, u give very poor advice indeed.
We know from a lot of history of human nature,
going back 1OOOs of years, that telling her husband can be SUICIDAL.

David

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How to get married man out my head

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