My wife lied about little things and I'm not sure what to think

Reply Wed 18 Nov, 2015 07:12 am
Need your help. I’ve been married for 25 years, within the last year I caught my wife lying about very small things that don’t really matter, however she didn’t admit to any without badgering and persistently lied multiple times before coming some small degree of honesty.

Some background: for several years she has showed little to no affection or passion but still made love with on a routine basis. Thought I was all about sex since every time I held her I got a little too excited I guess. I would argue for days about it then finally get her love. She said once she’d do more in bed if I don’t ask where she got it from….some nights I would ask her to come to bed but she didn’t, stayed watching tv or playing games….a pleather of things that I paid no mind until I found out that while watching a movie she got up and took care of herself without regard to my needs, once when she’s out of town saw some sexy stuff on tv and took care of it herself again….even after telling me for all the years that she don’t and won’t do such things, i.e., touch herself with me.

Again, none of this mattered until I found out she lied to my face and the concerning thing is the lack of affection, passion, love making or even doing an occasional expression of a BJ or something….couple that with saying that she’s had a wall up against me, she would do more in bed if I wouldn’t ask where she got it….bottom line I don’t know what to think. Please give me your thoughts.
Reply Wed 18 Nov, 2015 07:23 am
Maybe she is feeling a bit neglected. Not talking about sex here, but rather that the only time you cuddle or pay attention to her is when you are expecting sex. It could also be that the sex is leaving her unsatisfied so she finds it more enjoyable to take care of herself. Bottom line, anything we guess is just a guess. You won't really know what is going on until the two of you sit down and have an honest discussion about it.

In the meantime, here is a thought. Start dating her again. You know, have a weekly date night. Take her to a movie. Take her to an art show. Take her to a park to walk and hold hands. Do this without the expectation of sex afterwards, but simply because it is something she likes to do.

(You only needed to post this issue once. Posting it a second time using a different title does not get people to answer. It only ticks us off when we open something and start reading something we have already read.)
Reply Wed 18 Nov, 2015 07:43 am
Thanks and do appreciate the info.

I couldn't find where the first time posted, sorry. I will try and figure out how to delete the first.

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Reply Wed 18 Nov, 2015 09:35 am
JoeCCib wrote:
Thought I was all about sex since every time I held her I got a little too excited I guess. I would argue for days about it then finally get her love.

doesn't sound like arguing got you her love - sounds more like what you got was a pity ****


arguing is not often a way to get to a pleasurable sexual experience

your information that your wife pleasures herself to reach orgasm sounds like she's more successful at reaching orgasm without you


what have you done over the years to find out what she enjoys sexually? does she like role-playing? using sex toys? talking dirty?

you've been married 25 years - by this point you should know a fair bit about what makes sex fun and enjoyable for your wife - what gets her excited?

do you ever play games where sexual acts can be a reward? if it's not fun, it can be a chore

date nights, sex nights, play nights

are you and your wife having fun on a general basis?


25 years of marriage - you've got to keep things mixed up to make sure sex is still fun and entertaining

if the two of you can't manage a fun sex life on your own, you may need to work with a therapist
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Reply Wed 18 Nov, 2015 10:17 am
she would do more in bed if I wouldn’t ask where she got it….

Is she justified in that intimation that you are overly jealous?
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Reply Tue 8 Dec, 2015 11:06 pm
I was the female side of this situation in my last relationship. I was not cheating, I just did not find him attractive anymore. I did not feel the way I once did when he touched me. I very RARELY actually got excited to have sex and when I did.. I usually lost that feeling as soon as we started. Amazing guy. Amazing father. But his push for sex just angered me more. His CONSTANT sexual needs/wants made me resent him more. If he stopped asking for a few months or so, I would crave it. But he would ruin it once again and ask everyday after that. Making me feel guilty that I did not want too that often.
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Reply Mon 9 Oct, 2017 03:34 pm
Sounds to me like she's bored or unsatisfied sexually with the relationship. She's probably seen or read things she used to "take care of herself", but feels embarrassed to admit she's watched or read things or that she masturbates, so she doesn't want to tell you where she gets new ideas. That's probably why she gets frustrated when asked because she's embarrassed. Two things usually happen here, at least in my experience- either new things that both are comfortable with are introduced and effort is made by both parties to spice things up and make sex more satisfying, this makes the relationship stronger and you get thru it OR she continues to be bored, this dominoes to boredom and frustration with the relationship for both of you and one of you usually ends up leaving the other, often for someone new and "exciting", which also contributes to more sexual stimulation (new person, new things, new excitement), making the other person or other people more desireable. Hopefully, you get the first result. Boredom and sexual dissatisfaction are awfully slippery slopes to climb in a relationship.
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Reply Sat 14 Oct, 2017 05:15 am
she might be in menopause or she might be getting it somewhere else saying not to ask where she learned some "stuff" is weird thats a flag . just ask her
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Reply Thu 11 Jan, 2018 06:08 pm
Hey guy, the way I see it, she's learning from watching porn and playing with herself. actually not a bad thing, the better you know your own body, the better you can indicate what you like to your partner. so don't ask her where she got it from if she performs suddenly new things. its from watching sex. according to me, there is nothing wrong with that. if she learned from another guy, that would be disturbing, which is certainly not the case now I think. just my thoughts.
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Reply Mon 28 Sep, 2020 09:58 am
Are you on some form of medication?

It needs adjusting.
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