35
   

How to get married man out my head

 
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Nov, 2012 12:51 pm
I wouldn't ever tell your husband. The only thing to be gained by that is you ease your guilty conscience. You would hurt him and how could he ever trust you again? What he doesn't know won't hurt him, and I wonder if he even knows you're dissatisfied in the marriage.

If he ever finds out (from the OM's wife), then you can deal with it. Tell him you didn't want to hurt him.

I just don't understand why people let things get this far!

Grayman
 
  3  
Reply Tue 20 Nov, 2012 03:04 pm
@Mame,
I would be disappointed if my wife never told me. At least, if I knew, then I could start my life anew instead of living a lie for 25+ years thinking my wife was faithful. It would be the end of our marriage just because it would not be reasonable to continue through the hardships when it is obvious that she is not getting what she wants from me, so I think it would just be best. The only exception that I would make is if my wife and I had kids. It would be best I she kept it a secret then. That's just me. It could be different for anyone.
Chaitukpr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Nov, 2012 03:13 pm
@Grayman,
90% of men cannot stand unfaithfulness. Trust me. As Mame was telling Sofia dont let it get far...........forget OM and be faithful to your husband. Forget all the past..it is nothing but a GARBAGE.
0 Replies
 
SofiaMia12
 
  3  
Reply Wed 21 Nov, 2012 11:13 am
@Ceili,
He is a decent guy, that's how I fell in love and married him. I am also a decent person, we have spent 12 years together before this happend and I was completely faithful and loved and supported him in all his pursuits and dreams. We came to a low point, we were so young when we got together I suddenly felt we had taken different directions in career etc, and that we were not doing what we had planned all those years ago. I was stuck in a rut and the affair actually snapped us both out it because he could tell something was up.

I am very sympathetic of people at have affairs now I've been through it. It is not as simple as 'good' and 'bad' people. It is how we deal with things, chemicals, emotions, chaos..... We are not all perfect and embracing our failure is a great way to learn and improve.
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Wed 21 Nov, 2012 11:33 am
@SofiaMia12,
You can justify your behaviour any way you like, but it's still a betrayal and didn't need to have happened. Embrace your failures all you want, but the facts are still the facts.

You still can't get this guy out of your mind even though it's over and he hasn't contacted you in 7 months. You and he destroyed his wife's peace of mind and trust in her husband. Niiiice.

People indulging in extra-marital affairs with married people are notoriously selfish and thoughtless. And that's a fact. Embrace that.
SofiaMia12
 
  0  
Reply Thu 22 Nov, 2012 02:33 am
@Mame,
It is easy to judge when you look from the outside. Things are never that black and white. I did make a bad decision and I will always carry guilt around the hurt I caused his wife and betraying my husband.

Generally the advice is not to tell and I get that it will protect him from hurting. I just feel such a fraud sometimes but I am in therapy and working towards letting this all go so I can recommit and never slide outside my marriage again.

Mame: you have obviously never fallen into this trap so can feel righteous, but I truly believe it can happen to anyone.
0 Replies
 
SofiaMia12
 
  0  
Reply Thu 22 Nov, 2012 02:41 am
@Grayman,
Quote:
It would be the end of our marriage just because it would not be reasonable to continue through the hardships when it is obvious that she is not getting what she wants from me, so I think it would just be best.


It wasn't that I wasn't getting what I wanted from my husband period, it was that there were some issues. There are also so many great things about him and our relationship, we hit a bump. If your wife admitted to an affair I think it would be foolish to just end it without finding out if the issue could be resolved. All I know is that I do love my husband and value our marriage, and I am focusing on improving it and making it better. Just need to get this all behind me....as @Chaitukpr says......move on and forget the garbage!
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 24 Nov, 2012 12:15 pm
What does your therapist say? You say there were "issues" in your marriage. Perhaps that's why you strayed.. Those need to be brought out and dealt with or they will crop up again.

Use that affair as a learning experience.

It will happen again if you don't deal with the idea that you are with your husband and have made a commitment for a very long time. It's got to be a good commitment in order to last.

SofiaMia12
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 Nov, 2012 01:58 am
@PUNKEY,
My therapist is helping me move on. She has made me realize that I gravitated towards the OM because he was exciting and a little dangerous. I almost needed a bit of excitement to remind me I was my own person. She has made me think about whether my relationship would last with the OM if we had met when we were both single, and I can honestly say it wouldn't. We are both too fiery and chaotic. My husband calms that wild side of me in a good way, and our personalities compliment each other. With the OM I can imagine huge yelling arguments and neither of us backing down.

This realization helps two fold because I realize it could never work with the OM, and that I have such a safe secure relationship with my husband that I should be grateful and cherish it. Like you say @punkey I need to take this seriously and commit for the long term.

So I'm not telling my husband because it would break him and he doesn't deserve the pain and misery. I will put this down as a valuable lesson and recommit knowing that I will be faithful from now on.

Thanks for all the replies. I must say therapy is a great help also.
tow12012013
 
  0  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2013 03:56 am
@SofiaMia12,
I am in a similar situation and saw this thread of responses. I am in an ok marriage, but the sparks died and my husband doesnt do anything to initiate them anymore. Of course having small kids dont help. I started flirting with my boss at work and he reciprocated the flirting. We went out for drinks and the rest is history. We started sneaking away from work to have sex in the middle ofbthe day, met for coffee before work, had dinner while my husband took care of our kids. I should mention my boss is 20 years older than me and not my type. I have no idea why i started an affair other than to spice up my life. I know its selfish. The OM's wife found out just a few days ago and he told me the affair was over. The problem is that he told me he loved me, and i told him i loved him. I really think i mean it, but its just crazy. I dont know much about him except for work stuff and his personal interests, and he doesnt really discuss his home life with me. He has bought me some beautiful presents like jewelry, expensive shoes (he even checked my shoe size without me looking) and a louis vuitton bag. Am i falling in love with the thrill of it or him? Im so confused. he is everything my husband is not. He is smart, witty, social, romantic, and rich. The OM is not good looking though but his personality makes up for it. My husband is quiet and a simple man. But he is handsome, and the father of my kids. I know this sounds crazy but i really feel i love this OM and now am heartbroken. The OM just started talking about our future a few days before his wife caught him. He wanted us to go away together, told me he had not planned to fall in love with me but was glad he was, etc.... I have no one to talk to because i havent told anyone about the affair. I wish i had money to see a therapist but i dont. Could i really be in love with 2 men? Could this OM be true love and do i pursue it even though its dangerous? How did i let myself fall for a married man? I feel awful for what i did to his wife. She didnt deserve it but yet i did it anyhow. I am also now scared the OM's wife will tell my husband. She seemed a little crazy when she confronted him about our affair. I cant tell if she was just mad about the affair, which i dont blame her, or really crazy and he didnt really talk about her so i dont know much. I am always reluctant to go home wondering if she has called my husband. My husband is in sales so has his contact info readily available all over the internet. The good news is that my husband suspected i was having an affair, but had no proof since we were careful to set up new phone numbers, and email addresses. My husband is showering me with attention now but i cant stop wondering if i met the man of my dreams or just a man that would take me away from the mundane life i have. What do i do? I am so confused with feelings of love and self hatred for what i have caused.
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2013 09:15 am
@tow12012013,
Switch it up for a moment. Would you stay with your husband if he had bucks? Would you bother with the married dude if he was poor, and had no power?

See where I'm going with this? I think you love the idea of being comfortable. The rubber has met the road with your husband, and times aren't so good. You've got little kids to care for, and your husband has been doing that (er, why do you have a problem with him again? A lot of women would do anything to be in your shoes. Even the cheaper ones you own) and is kinda tired.

If you could get good child care for, say, a weekend, what would happen if you went away with your husband, just the two of you? And see if you can remember why you're together.

The married dude is, well, he's clearly got a spine made of liverwurst if he tells you one thing and then his wife makes him do a 180 the moment she makes his life tough for him. He, too, is likely in love with his money (as I imagine she is as well). You honestly think that a divorce isn't going to make half of his substantial cabbage go away?

Welcome to Fantasy Land 101, where you have never seen the married dude clip his toenails or take out the trash. Where his money magically stays with him even when he divorces (perhaps his wife has a fine imaginary encounter with a cliff?). Where you get over him being older and not so attractive (and I got news for you; age isn't going to make him any cuter) because you can close your eyes and think of - your husband, perhaps. Where the married dude's age difference will never be a factor and you won't be just caring for an invalid in 10 or 20 years or whatever.

That is a dead end, and you know it. And, fortunately, his wife has pulled up the rug, hard, and is making sure you (and the married dude) know it and don't forget it.

You've got a few ways you can go with this, the way I see it.
  1. Get a divorce. And you may or may not end up with the married dude. I bet you don't. And you will have the consequences, of a broken marriage, hurting your husband even more, hurting your children and also a serious reduction in financial lifestyle. If you thought your economic woes were bad (or at least not up to par with the married dude's), try supporting two households.
  2. Separate from your husband but don't divorce (at least, not immediately). And then what? Pursuing the married dude seems unwise (and downright impossible). So, work on finding and fixing yourself, and deciding what you want. And also learning why you're jeopardizing your home life, and really hurting someone you purport to love.
  3. Same as #2 but you don't separate. But you still work on yourself. And that means counseling (it also means counseling in scenario #2, BTW) or
  4. Do nothing. This is an unattractive option, yes?


I see #2 and #3 as really being the only viable options here. #3 is less disruptive to your children (not to mention it costs less), but #2 might be the kick in the pants you really need. After all, if you divorced, you would not be guaranteed a ride off with the married dude/alleged white knight. You could still end up supporting your own household.

Get out of Fantasy Land and talk to your husband about the reality. Tell him things are not good, and you want to work on it, and with a professional. If he goes with you, great. If not, then go alone.

At the absolute minimum, I feel, in a marriage (and particularly when there are small children involved), you owe it to your relationship and to your family to at least make an effort, and not just blaze off in an affair-fueled haze, consequences be damned.
tow12012013
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2013 03:01 pm
@jespah,
Good advice that i needed. Seeing my options in black and white are Both alarming and a reality check. So, do i tell my husband what i did before the OM's wife does? Do i call the wife in hopes to reduce her anger so she doesnt call. I may do what i need to do for me and my family, work on my own marriage, but still have this looming fear of the unknown. I plan to try to implement what you say, and hope i can be successful. I hope i can turn my feeling off for this guy. We work together and that is hard. Everytime i see an email from him my heart flutters. Today, i had to sit in a meeting with him for the first time. He acted "all business". We got so serious so quickly. I cant understand why he would say all those things to me, buy me so many gifts and then, like you said, do a 180 degree turn without even a blink of the eye. I wonder what really was or was not going on in his marriage. Was i just new, thrilling and young for him, and he said all those things to keep me going, or did he believe them to be true at the time? I know i gotta move on, but it does suck.
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2013 03:17 pm
@tow12012013,
Hey, thanks.

If it were me, I'd talk to my husband first (after all, you have no control over the wife's reaction, plus you have got to talk to him anyway). Good luck.
0 Replies
 
SofiaMia12
 
  1  
Reply Fri 1 Feb, 2013 03:52 pm
@tow12012013,
I completely empathize with you in every way. It has now been 9 months since I split with my MM and I finally feel over it. We actually bumped into each other last month and he basically said see ya later. That hurt a lot but was the jolt I needed to get him off that pedestal and move on. Like you I wondered what it all meant. He also said he loved me and at the time I didn't think I was in love with him but after 7 months of withdrawal I realize there must have been something.

All I can say is hang in there. I had a marriage worth fighting for. The love I have with my husband is deep and has been built up over a long time. The love I had for the OM was superficial and if we had met when we were both single I don't think we would have lasted, he's too wild and unpredictable. Give your husband a chance. Whether you realize it or not you would have been shutting him out through this period and you need to let him back in to see if it is worth salvaging.

I was lucky enough to have therapy and worked out why my marriage had gone stale. I the addressed those issues with my husband and we both changed. I'm happy to say our relationship is stronger than ever. He never knew though and I decided this was my **** and I'd deal with it. I guess you need to hope the OW won't tell. The thing is that she is probably threatened by you and for you to be single is not good for her so it's not in her best interest to mess up your marriage. My OW never told, she did send me an abusive letter telling me how much pain I'd caused and that she knew all the details of our intimacy and that he regretted being with me, etc. It hurt at the time but I realize she needed to place blame somewhere and I was her best option. Things have settled down now as we've kept to no contact.

I think you need to leave your job. No contact seems impossible at first but it really is the only way. Listen to Amy Winehouse tears dry on their own, from lioness albumn...hits the spot. Your tears really do need to dry on their own, an affair is a very lonely place but once you're through it you are stronger.

You have some tough withdrawal to get through but if you can pick the lessons from this then it doesn't have to be so negative. Good luck and if you need to vent then as someone in a very similar position Im happy to listen
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Fri 1 Feb, 2013 04:10 pm
@SofiaMia12,
Nothing like the words of someone who's been there. Glad to see you've turned things around.
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Fri 1 Feb, 2013 04:17 pm
@SofiaMia12,
Quote:
The OM told me he would be in touch, we'd have a coffee some time, but he hasn't contacted me. That makes me feel rejected and confused about what I meant to him.


So you can't move on because there was no closure. There was a promise that never happened so you feel lied to, neglected, rejected.

You know full well what you meant to him, exactly what he meant to you, fluff, excitement, forbidden. That was all.

What you have to realise is that you entered this knowing you "loved" your husband and was never going to leave him, it was just a bit of excitement, something missing in your life.

Hopefully, you've realised that what was missing you could have found without going to that extreme, that you knew that at the time, but you took the risk anyway, as you said the purpose was for "no-one" to find out.. Once you felt that "excitement" the penny would have dropped. "Oh, that is what I am missing, that heat, chemistry ".. At that point, you could have chosen to see what you could have done in your marriage to change that, but you chose to sleep with someone else instead.

In someways I have "some" sympathy, when a man continually persuades, lies, tells a woman she is beautiful when she feels that she is not, tells her she is awesome as a person, when she has been constantly put down. But, here, you are saying you had a good marriage, loving, great nothing like that at all, it just missed the spice.

You now have a skeleton in your closet and I hope therapy does help you understand that it is normal to feel chemistry, even lightly flirt but it is a braver person who stops right there, for love and then goes about working out how to re-create the missing link in her/his own relationship.

It's been 7 months but I get the "opinion" that you still don't have that excitement that you craved so much for that you choose to cheat to get it. I don't know if that is because of guilt? Although you state that the relationship is better as a result. But, if you were fullfilled, if you had learnt a very bad lesson, from this, then you would not be thinking of this guy 7 months later at all. If you had put all of your heart and soul into your husband through realisation and some guilt, you would not be thinking of this man at all.

Lastly, you are allowing your "ego" to get in the way. There was no closure, he promised. Who promised? Some guy you slept with ? Promises that are kept are kept from real people in your life that want you in their life and know that you are there for them as well.

This was a guy who flirted, held conversations and had dirty sex with you... Is he worth even remembering? Given you love your husband.

I say no.

If your husband is worth something, anything, then realise what that guy was and feel discusted both in yourself and also in him.. There is your closure, now work on yourself and your marriage.

chrissy68
 
  0  
Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 07:15 am
@SofiaMia12,
i know its hard and wrong i dont talk to my ex lover havent for 8months i think about how he is but i wont push just think of what u have now it might get dull but thats better than be on your own his wife is there she has him worry about u now.
0 Replies
 
SofiaMia12
 
  1  
Reply Mon 4 Feb, 2013 02:29 am
@FOUND SOUL,
Quote:
You know full well what you meant to him, exactly what he meant to you, fluff, excitement, forbidden. That was all.


This is very true but it just took me a long time to realize it. You are also right in that I let my ego get involved. It took so long to get over him because he rejected me, it was his wife who found out and he stopped the affair to be with her. Although we were planning to end it the fact was it got cut short on his terms not mine, and I couldn't handle it.

Things just aren't this clear when you still have the attachment. It has now been 9 months and 3 therapy sessions later. I am over him and don't care if I never see him again. I live with that skeleton but as I reconnect with my husband and be the good wife I know I can I hope the guilt will fade. I certainly won't be having an affair again believe me.

You are also right about it being a brave person that can walk away. I wasn't that person 9months ago, but I am now. As I said before I will never stray again, I'm in for the long term. So the affair has made me a better person, I am stronger for it. I may have been able to get this strength some other way but I couldn't see it back then.
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Mon 4 Feb, 2013 02:45 pm
@SofiaMia12,
What ever mistakes we make in life, if we learn from them, then they were a good mistake to have made.

Never beat yourself up.. I may have sounded harsh but it was to make you see your worth, as well as that of others ie) your husband.

Glad that you feel that it was, a lesson learnt. Good luck. Try to maybe go away for a weekend together and remember, who you both were when you met each other and what you were to each other....
0 Replies
 
AnotherIdiotOnline
 
  -2  
Reply Tue 5 Feb, 2013 03:32 am
@SofiaMia12,
By not being a sk*nk to begin with. What the hell is wrong with people nowadays? You make me want to puke, take said puke and perform an enema, and then finally, puke that same puke out again after it traversed my intestines in reverse.
 

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