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How to get married man out my head

 
 
SofiaMia12
 
  0  
Reply Tue 12 Feb, 2013 12:22 pm
@AnotherIdiotOnline,
You ask what is wrong with me when your sick mind created the idea of performing an enema with puke! Enough said.
0 Replies
 
tow12012013
 
  1  
Reply Wed 13 Feb, 2013 08:53 am
So some time has passed but i still cant seem to stop thinking about the man i had an affair with. I wonder if its because i never got any real closure. When a relationship ends you usually get closure, there are talks about why it didnt work, but this isnt normal. So maybe i expect too much. I just wish he would tell me why he said all these wonderful things and now seems to go about his business without any thought of me. I wish he would just tell me truthfully what he is thinking. I guess thats too much to ask since everything about our affair was a lie. I am really trying hard with my husband but am still not over the other man. Im trying but its really hard
Eva
 
  4  
Reply Wed 13 Feb, 2013 11:40 am
@tow12012013,
Who told you there is closure after most relationships end? There isn't. Besides, you don't need to talk to him to figure out what you most need to know. Actions speak louder than words. In this case, his actions are positively screaming. Stop fantasizing about this man (because that's what it is - a fantasy) and go do something thoughtful for your husband.
0 Replies
 
SofiaMia12
 
  1  
Reply Fri 15 Feb, 2013 02:23 pm
@tow12012013,
How much time? Took me 9 months. In the end I went through all the questions I wanted to ask him and answered them myself...there is some closure! Here's some ideas but you'll have your own questions:
How have you been? Not my business I am not having a relationship with this man so do not need to know how he has been.
Have you suffered withdrawal from me? Of course he suffered, but he had the added burden of watching his wife suffer knowing he caused all her pain.
Why did you say you loved me? To get me in bed, overtaken by chemicals, needed a fantasy world to live in, felt right at the time. Who cares now anyway because whatever he said he is not with me now so his 'love' could not be that strong.
Can we be friends? No, we had an affair and put two marriages in jeopardy along with two children's lives. This was wrong, together we are chaos, we cannot be friends because we are a destructive careless force together.

And so on.......

You have split, there really is nothing left to say, don't keep holding on for closure from him because you are unlikely to get it. Close this chapter yourself, once you do you will warm to your husband again. You do need to understand the issues with your marriage and address them though otherwise you haven't learnt anything.

Hang in there, and be strong.
Nooneleft
 
  0  
Reply Fri 15 Feb, 2013 02:37 pm
@SofiaMia12,
WHY the hell did you even bother to get married?? I see a divorce in your future if your husband is smart. Sad
0 Replies
 
Advocate
 
  1  
Reply Fri 15 Feb, 2013 03:02 pm
Some entertainer, whose name I forgot, recently said that women fake orgasms. Men, however, fake relationships.
0 Replies
 
tow12012013
 
  1  
Reply Mon 18 Feb, 2013 01:27 pm
@SofiaMia12,
SofiaMia, it's only been a few months so maybe more time is the key to it. You are correct, he obviously doesn't love me, otherwise he would be with me and not her. Or, maybe he wants to be with me but doesn't have the strength to leave his wife. Who knows and maybe everyone is right. Maybe I don't need him for closure, maybe I can guess how he would answer the questions himself. I think he would say that he loves me, but knows it could never work because of how our relationship started and ended. But I struggle there. I wish I knew that he loved me but that it couldn't work for xyz reasons rather than just not knowing if it was all a lie to live in the fantasyland we created. He's a proud, probably narcissistic guy. He probably wouldn't be able to face his family and friends saying he left his wife for me. I also think he would say I was young and fun, nothing like his wife, but that isn't what he wants in the long term. It was good while it lasted. I might be a little too much fun for him in the long run. And, we are from 2 different worlds. He comes from a refined wealthy world, doing whatever it is wealthy people do Smile and I come from a good middle class background but not refined, and by no means wealthy. I know his wife fits into his world, and he probably thinks I do not, or could not. Our age difference would probably also be a problem. I am young enough to be his daughter. I'm sure long term that would be a problem in our relationship. I know I gotta stay strong and hopefully get him out of my head. I'm trying but find myself sucked back in to wondering what it could have been. Wondering what he really feels or doesn't feel. I saw a new picture he posted of him and his wife. They do look happy together and obviously he picked her over me. I assume that was a message to me to get over him. I still work with him and that is hard. I'm looking for a new job. I'm hoping once I find a new job that I can really make a clean break of this crazy fantasy world I have been living in. But, if he calls me I worry that I won't be able to say no even though I know it's bad news.
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 Feb, 2013 03:34 pm
@tow12012013,
He comes from a "wealthy world".

You are young enough to be his daughter.

He posted a picture recently of himself and his wife, they looked so happy.

You work "with" him.

You enjoyed the excitement of it all, feeling maybe even that you belong in that world because he bought you into it, a taste of something different, but he was not stupid, he knew that someone half his age, would love that world and so, perhaps like others before you and after you, he took and will continue to do so. There is no "prince/princess" story here.. Men with money, often feel they have power and know that they can pretty much take, it's just a matter of who accepts the tempation and who doesn't... You did.
tow12012013
 
  1  
Reply Mon 25 Feb, 2013 06:11 am
@FOUND SOUL,
You are right i, i did. Thanks for your message. Though your words sting they are right on the mark. I have been thinking alot lately and realize i dont need him to give me closure. He didnt love me. If he did he would have discussed the future with me, but he never did. I think he knew it was just fun while it lasted, and never had any intentions to have a future with me. My husband married me because he wanted a future and i need to remembe that. Good and bad my husband made that commitment to me. I made that commitment to him. I reread your previous comments about passion and i think i confused passion with love. You can have passion without love and vice versa. His money did give him power over me. It was great while it lasted but that was a way to keep me a kept woman, nothing more. I loved it and started dreaming of an easier life, but that doesnt mean it was love. I think, i hope i can get him out of my head. It meant nothing to him. I think that message is loud and clear now. He is back in his life and i am sure doesnt give me a second thought on a daily basis. Thanks for the words of wisdom all have shared. I am trying to dedicate myself to my husband now. If my marriage doesnt work out it will be because our marriage doesnt work not because of a fantasy i created in my head.
Eva
 
  1  
Reply Mon 25 Feb, 2013 09:56 pm
@tow12012013,
Good for you!!!

I genuinely hope things work out well for you and your husband.
0 Replies
 
SofiaMia12
 
  1  
Reply Mon 18 Mar, 2013 02:19 am
@tow12012013,
I hope you are feeling a bit better? It has now been a year since my affair ended. I am out the other side and my marriage is stronger than it was before. There is hope, just hang in there and time will heal you.
0 Replies
 
amy37
 
  0  
Reply Tue 19 Mar, 2013 01:58 pm
@SofiaMia12,
You're really jsut seeing the good, and what you want to see.
The way you've seen this man is like in a fantasy. What about all the pain he caused his wife? Or the chaces of a great marriage with her over jsut a few nights of pleasure? Snap out of you fantasy!
claudene
 
  0  
Reply Wed 20 Mar, 2013 07:35 am
@amy37,
I'd say I agree with Amy37

I'd say create a new fantasy with your husband do things funny and fun together. Things you've never done, and you will fall in love with him all over again. And problem solved!
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Mar, 2013 03:47 pm
@tow12012013,
But you have your closure. You have realised "sting or not" that it was what it was and not what you fantasized for..

Someone once said to me, find someone passionate. If he has passion, then that will also stem across into the bedroom.

If it is passion that you miss then work on that with your husband, it's within all of us, but sometimes has to be bought out of us.

And, remember, power can be a game, never be a pawn in that game again.
0 Replies
 
Georgia27
 
  1  
Reply Sat 11 May, 2013 03:57 pm
@SofiaMia12,
Realty tough in this situation. I guess it is also tough if the other party has seen some of the exchanged messages. Its hard but I guess its time to move forward. To keep yourself occupied and start visiting places you enjoy. I know how tough it it is when a person consumes your thoughts all the time. PM me if you need a chat. I in similar problem. I can understand you feel like you a grieving for a friend too. In time this will get easier. I promise. Focus on you.
0 Replies
 
missbebejadaa
 
  0  
Reply Sun 2 Jun, 2013 01:13 pm
@SofiaMia12,
Bad enough you commited adultery how would your husband feel? Just focus on your marriage. If I were her I would of told your husband.
0 Replies
 
OmSigDAVID
 
  0  
Reply Sun 2 Jun, 2013 01:40 pm
@SofiaMia12,
SofiaMia12 wrote:

Do you ever think I should tell my husband about the affair?
Seriously, if u want to take a 5O/5O chance of losing BOTH
of them, then tell your husband and see what happens.
After the bubble has burst, u can t rehabilitate it.

Even if he does not actually walk away or divorce,
it might well poison the remaining years n decades of your life,
as he mentions issues of trust, many times, ad nauseum.

Don't risk more than u r willing to lose.





David
0 Replies
 
Peace83
 
  0  
Reply Mon 10 Jun, 2013 08:07 pm
@SofiaMia12,
Hi SofiaMia,

I too went thru this and I can tell you that you will definitely get through this. It will take time but you have to stop seeing it as a rejection on you and that she has won over you. While this OM might have been an adventure you were missing, it is your husband that you can build a lifelong trust love and friendship with. Seek comfort in that and let this relationship go. Seek therapy find the things that brought you close to your husband in the first place. You will start to see the face of your husband as the man you can feel safe, secured, love and with that the contentment that you do mean something to him.

Seeking him to give you and answer that will bring you peace will do nothing. You already know that answer, you just refuse to accept it.
Take the power away from him and let go of the wanting to know what you already know and refuse to accept.

I went through this and all I can say is I felt so free afterwards. I found things to help me heal and eventually I no longer have any resentment, anger, love for the OM, a feeling of indifference is great to feel when I ran into him. I hope and pray for you to feel that empowerment as well soon.
Peace83
 
  0  
Reply Mon 10 Jun, 2013 08:41 pm
@tow12012013,
Tow,

I just saw this thread and replied to Sofia. There is a part in all of us that seeks that new found passion with butterflies and the thrill of it all. I too was there. All I can say is that for men it is much different than women who have affairs. For most men they rarely fall deeply in love with the OW that they give up their marriage, family friends and all for the OW. Especially if small kids are involved. Don't give up the chance to turn it around for you. There are online counseling services that are cheap and can help you understand what you were missing in your marriage. Trust me when i tell you he will not give up his marriage, home, friends and family. He won't men can go on for years being with two women while women usually will throw in the towel on their marriage to be with the other man. Do you really believe that this man has not cheated on his wife before? that you were the only one? I doubted. Change jobs, move on, do the NC and work on your marriage. You too will start to invest in the man who has truly invested in you and that is your husband.
0 Replies
 
SofiaMia12
 
  0  
Reply Wed 12 Jun, 2013 12:09 am
@Peace83,
Thanks for the support. It has been over a year now and I bumped into him twice. The first was a bit of the shock but on the second time I was able to walk past him as though he was a stranger.

I have been rebuilding my marriage and love my husband very much. You are right in that with him I can build a solid base to take what life throws at us. The OM would never have given me that.

Now I just hold the guilt of what I did when I look at my husband. I want to tell him so that he knows everything but as many have advised in earlier posts this is likely to devastate the man I love and maybe break or poison our marriage. So I just hope holding the secret gets easier.

I also feel bad for the OMs wife. I see woman that look like her and feel a sense
of guilt against my fellow female at what I did. She didn't deserve it, but I deal with it by thinking she was his responsibility not mine.

How did you deal with guilt?
 

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