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i think my husband is up to something really bad-please help

 
 
Reply Sat 5 Sep, 2015 09:35 am
Im going to try and condense this story but leave all the need to know details
my husband and i have been together for 8 years. We are young with two children. I am a stay at home mom and he works full time. Things have been stressful at home money/Livnig in a fixer upper house/not enough time together etc
we are very involved in our church and our kids are involved in the children's ministry. The pastor is our age. She is in a relationship but her boyfriend lives an hour away. My kids are close with her and i was start I a friendship with her as well (she seems reslly nice/trustworthy but explained she doesnt have a lot of female friends-and has told me things in confidence that are strange for a pastor-but nothing like bad per say.)
About 3 weeks ago my husband began texting this pastor asking for "advice" on his depression. I was not informed of this by either party. I happened to see she was a recent contact on his iphone and when i asked him he immideatly lied and then about an hour later Sao "ok i was" when i confronted the childrens pastor she played the "oh he didn't tell you?" Card but said they had only talked a few times. Long story short. I found out they texted a ton, they deleted they messages so i cant see what about. They also talked on the phone for 30 minutes at a time probably 10 times (i pulled our phone record.) I told the children's pastor please dont contact him again she said "if i saw him in a grocery store i would tell you" to find out the next day she called him at work. I asked her about it she denied it, then called me back 5 minutes later to say "im sorry i lied to you, i did call him. I need him to back my story up to my boss that i was just counceling him" (long story short on that, the church found out knww upset about them talking and her licences could be revoked if i told them i think she was having an affair with him) but why wouldn't she call me? Why is this all so secretive. Now my husband says he is extremely depressed and nothing makes him happy anymkre except our kids. He has completed checked out from me. Won't barley tslk to me, extremely temperamental ans doesn't csre that im upset and wont really talk about the state of our marriage at all other then "we will go to counseling, i cant focus on us until i fix me" i get that but why the lies on both ends? Why the deleting? Why is she talking to him after i asked her not to? I wish there was a way to get the actual text messages back to see what was really being said. My husbands like a different person since i found that they were texting. He has cheated before and i gave him a second chance and the pas to knew this and i feel that she should have told me. I asked her what they talked about she said "his issues,madness,etc" but then eventual after hounding by me admitted he asked her "why is marraige sex only with one man and one women" why would she leave that out when i asked her originally??? A lot of both parties excuses are "i forgot about that" and husband litterally lies until i shove truth down his throat. Something is going on. I cant kick the feeling. I dont want ti believe a women in her position would be so bad. But why has he completely shut me out? It seems like something who has intrest in another man would do. Sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading Sad im so lost.
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 Sep, 2015 10:39 am
Counselors are not supposed to discuss their client's conversations with others. HOWEVER - Clearly this "pastor" is behaving inappropriately. She has no business "counseling" anyone. She should be reported to the church authorities because she is having an affair with one of her married members. Do that, or she will just "move on" to her next victim. Most likely, he is not the first.

Your husband needs a physical and then a visit to a LICENSED psychologist - preferably male - to talk to. Insist on this. He is closing off from you and that's not fair to you.

ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Sat 5 Sep, 2015 10:52 am
@jade2240,
1. if she is counselling him, she should not be speaking to you about it at all

2. if your husband wasn't happy with how things were before - and that's obvious, regardless of what they are doing - you have blown it by going into his phone records and approaching the pastor

___

bottom line. things were messed up and you have made them much much worse.

____
Quote:
I was not informed of this by either party.


Quote:
Why is this all so secretive.


because that's how counselling works. What happens in a counselling session is supposed to be 100% private unless the person receiving the counselling allows the counsellor to say something.

your husband's counselling is for him, not you. it is his business, not yours.

___

try to stand back from this.

your husband is going to have to decide whether he wants to have you work to rebuild trust in the relationship or whether he wants out now.

if it was him posting the other side of this (especially stuff like
Quote:
husband litterally lies until i shove truth down his throat.
, my advice to him would be to get counselling and consider whether he wanted to be in a relationship. i'd probably also suggest he get a lawyer to prepare for a separation


Quote:
long story short on that, the church found out knww upset about them talking and her licences could be revoked if i told them i think she was having an affair with him


stand back
stand far back
you have already made a big mess here
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sat 5 Sep, 2015 10:53 am
@PUNKEY,
I have absolutely no idea where you get this.

PUNKEY wrote:
she is having an affair with one of her married members.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sat 5 Sep, 2015 10:56 am
@jade2240,
jade2240 wrote:
But why has he completely shut me out?


I can't believe you're asking this.

Things were in a place where he looked for help. You totally fucked with that and appear to be threatening to **** with someone's job and you wonder why you're shut out.

If you were a kid, I'd tell you that you need a timeout.
jade2240
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 Sep, 2015 11:43 am
@ehBeth,
Thats for your opinion but my husband has had issues with infidelity before and it started the exact same way. And guess i found out, i had to probe because he has issues being honest. I am learn in about the confidentiality of it all, that i understand. But i feel i have reason for concern especially when this happened previously, with someone i was very close with.
jade2240
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 Sep, 2015 11:44 am
@ehBeth,
Also i didn't threaten her job, she got in trouble for deleting records and not being able to prove she was just providing church counseling.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sat 5 Sep, 2015 11:49 am
@jade2240,
Your husband has problems being faithful. You have problems trusting him.

You would probably both benefit from counselling.

To be honest, I am not a fan of religion or religious counselling, but I understand that some people need the support of both.

If your husband's medical plan covers professional counselling, I'd suggest you both access it - separately to begin with, and perhaps as a couple later.

___

Given the status of your marriage and your financial situation (as you've described it) , I'd also suggest you look into what employment options may be open to you.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sat 5 Sep, 2015 11:51 am
@jade2240,
jade2240 wrote:
i had to probe because he has issues being honest.


this is not a good way to develop trust in a relationship

both of you need help
0 Replies
 
 

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