Help! So pissed off but don't understand why....

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I don't know why I am so upset about this. Here is the scenario: My wife has a guy friend that has been around for many years. I don't consider him a threat because he is sloppy and fat and it is clear my wife is not attracted to him. He is always quick to jump if she needs help or an errand to make her life more convenient. Things like loan her money, pick up application forms, milk and cheese when he is at the market etc.

I understand completely that they guy used to be in love her many years ago (maybe still does love her?) and would do anything for her; but he was friend zoned many years before we were married.

There have been a couple times when my wife asked me to do chores and was not quick enough to get er done only to find that she had complained to her friend (lets call him Rick)..and he ended up doing the task. I felt surprised and maybe even ashamed that he was so quick to show up in rain coat, gum boots, goggles and safety vest to pressure my patio as soon as she complained to him that I been procrastinating.

The most recent issue that really upset me seems stupid. I don't know why I am so angry about it.

I consider financials to be a marriage and partnership concern. I do cover most of the major costs in our life (retirement savings, mortgage, utilities, holidays, cars, entertainment etc). I also fund a joint account that my wife spends from but never contributes to.

I always have a jar to keep my coin/change and when it is full I take it to my bank that has an automatic change counter that members use for free. My wife also had a full jar this time and asked if I would convert her change too. I said I would..but I procrastinated for a week. Later she asked again and I invited her to come with me on a day off work and we could do it together (which would save me two trips into the bank. Each jar probably has about $300+), but she said she had other things to do. A few more days, it was a weekend and she asked me to convert her change again, since it was a day off I said sure, lets pop out and do it now and I can do mine at the same time! Again she said she had other things to do so I didn't recognize any urgency.

A few more days goes by and I get home from work and while we are talking the doorbell rings and she says hang on, goes to the door, steps outside and closes the door. When she comes back in...I asked her what was up..and she tells me that Rick had converted her change for her.

I was so upset/angry/flushed....and I don't really understand why. I asked her why he had converted her change and she said she had waited long enough for me to do it. Then she told me that her pay check was unexpectedly short and that she need the extra money. What....really? She didn't tell me that her pay was short, but she did tell Rick and he was quick to take her change to the bank and convert it and deliver her the cash.

Why am I so angry about this? Am I wrong to feel this way? She doesn't see any problem and was not interested in discussing it. I flew off the handle and don't know if I should apologize or how to resolve the situation.

Input sincerely appreciated.

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@Justaman2015,

That would piss me off as well, and I'm a woman. I'm not a psychologist, so I can't give you a professional opinion, but it seems to me she is undermining you with besotted friend. First, she's taking advantage of a man who may still love her, Second, she's broadcasting disapproval of you to outsiders. I don't know how old you two are, but this whole idea of giving you chores without a reasonable explanation of why there is a deadline, then calling in the reserve troops is very rude.

It seems disrespectful to me, but I don't know what her motivation is. It also seems controlling. It might be helpful to see a therapist to negotiate these power struggles. Please don't groan, sometimes a neutral 3rd party can help put things in perspective. If this behaviour doesn't turn around, you will become more and more resentful. I would be furious if my husband did this to me. I realize the coin change thing seemed like a small potatoes issue, but you describe a pattern that seems mean spirited to me.

I'm responding to your remarks, maybe your wife gets a little crazy because she thinks you intentionally let her down. But the two of you really need a conversation about cause and effect. I don't blame you for being angry, and it's possible your wife doesn't realize how this looks to you. It's also possible that she knows it annoys you and thinks it's perfectly fine to punish you. I don't think people in a healthy marriage punish each other. That's not a happy scenario for the long haul. Good luck getting this sorted out.

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@Justaman2015,

That's a tough one. Best guess is that he is in her friendzone. I'm also guessing that's not how he feels at all. Only guessing, but it seems as though she's unaware of your feelings. I'm also thinking you should get on the ball and take care of these little chores yourself, and in a timely manner. There just isn't any reason to let her become dependent on an outsider.

I dunno. It's hard to judge the relationship from the outside.

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@glitterbag,

I bet you are as right as I, and maybe more so.

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@Justaman2015,

Justaman2015 wrote:

I flew off the handle and don't know if I should apologize or how to resolve the situation.

you might ask yourself why you put off the change thing for what looks like close to two weeks

when your wife asks you to do things does she ever give you timelines? do you ever ask her when she needs things done?

seems like a lot of talking needs to happen between the two of you

______

my first instinct when you commented on being angry was that you were embarrassed that it was so easy for the other guy to make you look bad - and that often makes people angry

so yeah, you and your wife need to get really serious about talking about your relationship

_______

you do seem to assume that she's complaining to Rick - we (the readers here) don't know that - she might be telling him what's happening and he's taking care of things. you may have recognized that it wouldn't be unreasonable for her to have complained and assumed that's what she did.

talk to your wife

regularly

1 Reply

@Justaman2015,

Actually I feel sorry for "Rick".

Seems he's been around for many years and single, now over weight and I am guessing as well, still in love with your wife. She says jump, he says how high.

I think she needs to realise that she's leading him on. That being he's the other "husband" that does her errands for her at her will, should her husband let her down. I think this is how you are feeling.

This is why you feel so angry and I don't blame you. He is doing "your" jobs but you are the husband.

1. Stop procrastinating and do the chore "if" you feel that it's fair and reasonable to eliminate him coming over and doing it.

If this doesn't work..

2. Sit down and look at all that you are doing. No offence it sounds as if you are providing all the finances and then some. And is she running short because she's clocking up a spending spree and not watching the dollars, as you state you even have a joint account that she accesses but doesn't contribute to, yet, she earns a living as well or she could be gambling.

There is no room for a 3rd person in a marriage. It seems there may be a power struggle here going on.

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My first instinct is "what a controller!"
That may be wrong, but that is how it reads from here, by me, a woman.
You're paying all the big costs, seems like by far, and, wanted to go together with her to do the money changing. No apparent deadline and she didn't tell you about the money problem, but told him. Is she afraid of you or afraid of what you would think?

Does she do anything to help around the house? Does she do "everything" around the house and just wants you to at least do this and then that? Women can pay for some company to powerwash too, y'know, or probably figure out how to do it, if it comes to that.

I'm taking for granted by my reading of it, that the guy is dependent on her liking him, plus that she is not romantically interested in him. But this is a weirdish triangle anyway.

Have big long talks or go for counselling.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Honestly the reason I have put it off is that I have been lazy, sick, exhausted and busy. I got sick recently and was hospitalized. The ongoing issue and treatments zap my energy; I will be having surgery soon. Also, in last two months I have been visiting my dying grandmother at hospital every day after work for one or two hours.

No, she does not usually give me timelines but other than the usual day to day stuff I try to attend to a couple tasks on the "honey do" list each week.

I think you are right. I was embarrassed that another man did what I was supposed to.

I can only assume that she complains because when she talks to me about other people it is usually complaint and uncomplimentary.

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@Justaman2015,

Does your wife have a disability or something ? If she's so stressed about the patio and doing the banking maybe she should do those jobs herself.

Edited to add: you posted at exactly the same time as me and it turns out you're actually the one who is unwell!

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@ossobuco,

I wish we could have the long big talks. But when I try to talk about issues, she usually remarks that it must be full moon or that I am off on a tangent. I get ridiculed if I try to talk about feelings.

My wife has been off work for two years with a shoulder injury (which has been healed for a year...but still causes her pain) and just getting back to work now. In that time she has cooked a meal for us less than once a month and probably done the real cleaning of the house even less. I understand that she has been limited...so I do most of the heavy housework...and I do 99% of the cooking and feeding. If I don't cook for her..she microwaves a package.

Yes, you are right.... the guy (lets call him Rick) is a major people pleaser.

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@Justaman2015,

Hmmmm.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

Have you two always had this pattern or is it just since her shoulder problem?
Not my business, just considering. She may be depressed, she may be a spoiled brat, we may not know the whole story, and so on.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

The pattern has been since day one. I have strongly confronted the issue of her "beck and call" man and "chief enabler" a few times over the years and have even laid down some clear boundaries...which keep blurring as time goes on. LOL..I even got him to stay away for about a year after I threatened to beat the crap out of him because he kept taking her to casinos (behind my back) and she was gambling her money away.

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@Justaman2015,

I'll leave now for others to talk.

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@Justaman2015,

This part is show-stopper to me:

Quote:

I even got him to stay away for about a year after I threatened to beat the crap out of him because he kept taking her to casinos (behind my back) and she was gambling her money away.

There is some very blurry boundaries and hard-to-grasp (perhaps missing?) portions...I'm not going to say more than this: I read this fully and to me... it seems to be about control issues - power struggle between you two. There are no winners here, 'cause both people are losing. It's got be hard to regain the intimacy and trust.

However, the way I see it...what has to happen to regain trust is an honest dialogue, either orchestrated by you two or PREFERABLY with a counselor.

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@Justaman2015,

yup - you need to talk more

don't worry about the guy, he's not the issue other than she controls him

I agree with whoever said they felt sorry for him

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@Justaman2015,

so you need to take care of yourself - that's beyond fair

do ask her when things need to be done so you can prioritize those things that you need to do for her - it'll be one way in to get the conversations started

don't let her bully you about the need to talk - successful communication helps with successful relationships

maybe you need shake her up a bit - ask her why you should stay in the marriage when it seems you're doing all the heavy lifting - literally and figuratively

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@Justaman2015,

Justaman2015 wrote:

I get ridiculed if I try to talk about feelings.

this is just rude and someone needs to call her on that behaviour

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Something about this is starting to feel hollow.

1 Reply

@glitterbag,

What's missing is a whole other voice! And these gaps are sinkholes and are huge.

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Help! So pissed off but don't understand why....

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