How old were you when you had your 1st boyfriend/girlfriend?

(I'd agree with shewolf, but I won't address her anymore. )

Ragman, if you look back a bit further, we suggested seeing and I also wrote that in my last post again, that maybe she try for compromise, with her Father, have Collin over for dinner to meet her Dad,

Hi Gracie,

The hot state/ cold state thing effects everybody. Absolutely everybody with a functioning brain. You can't really avoid it.

Really though, when I mention it I'm thinking less about you (though it may well apply to you) than to Collin. I think what all of us -- the grownups here and you dad -- worry about is that you'll find yourself in a situation where Collin wants to do far more than you're comfortable doing, and what will happen then.

That's partly the age divide, partly the gender divide.

I'm absolutely not saying this WILL happen. I'm saying it's a worry, and explaining some of why.

By the way I don't want to imply that all teenaged boys are helpless pawns of their hormones -- they're not. When I was a teenager myself I knew plenty of teenaged boys who, even when they were in a hot state, were able to exert enough control to not do anything untoward. I also knew at least one who wasn't able to. And he was the nicest guy ever when he was in a cold (calm, rational) state.

Hopefully Collin's one of the first types.

Your dad doesn't know, though, and I think your best way forward is to recognize that, and not dismiss his feelings about it. I'd also recommend that you go ahead with taking things slowly with Collin for a bit. Text, hang out at school, but don't spend a lot of time together outside of school yet. Some, just not a lot.

That will allow your dad to calm down a bit and maybe get to know Collin a little bit gradually. And if Collin's a nice guy (and he seems to be), that can help reassure your dad. When he sees an actual nice guy instead of the Older Boyfriend of his imagination.

And it allows you to get maturity points which can then be applied towards future interactions with Collin, or anyone else.

the best thing you can do for yourself so you can FULLY enjoy your life is to realize that EVERYTHING can happen to you. Once you know that, you stop being worried because you take appropriate precautions.
It really IS that easy

Gracie,

Off course he wouldn't trust you and still be mad.

You're lying behind his back, so he can't trust you:)

It's better to tell the truth if you want him to trust you, remember, talk like an Adult, one on one, and remember he was a boy once, of course he is protecting you... You will protect someone one day, your daughter or son.

It's life, sweet there isn't much you can do about it, try to find a compromise if you can...

Gracie, you hide your phone in school and by extension, from your father, and brag about it and remain recalcitrant re being alone with a fifteen year old (fine or bad, what do I know, or you know). All sneaky and glad. You are very adamant re your frankly ignorant point of view. Listen to your 'stupid' father.

Gracie, you have won me over on this forum. I was initially quite uncomfortable with a 13yo girl on this site but came to enjoy and respect some of your questions and posts.

But you just cannot expect a bunch of 30, 40, 50 ... and so on aged people - possessing the mere happenstance of hindsight - to go along with everything that you feel.

This is not to say that their advice is not... advisable. But if you don't wish to take it than you are, like others in similar situations, in some sense on your own

If you're gonna be my friend, fine, then be my friend. If not, you and everyone else can just leave me alone.

Just because you say there is no difference doesn't mean there is none, Gracie.
In fact there is a huge difference between 13 and 16 - and I know so because I have gone through this with my daughter. Even with 15 she was more mature and reasonable than with 13. Boys have an entirely different agenda altogether and someone said that already - they are driven by hormones and all they have in mind is getting to second base and have sex. No matter how sweet and innocent Collin is, if given the opportunity he will convince you that kissing alone won't satisfy either one of you.

What you're demonstrating here with each post is defiance - you don't want to listen and you don't want to realize that just every one in here is siding with your dad. Acting in this manner doesn't show maturity at all, on the contrary it's quite childlike. This isn't bad, Gracie, as you act exactly as
someone your age acts - perfectly normal for your age group. You are just as mature as any 13 year old should be, however, you're not mature enough to date, period! At this point - if you were my daughter - I would tell you: end of discussion and what part of NO don't you understand?

I have a feeling your dad did the same.

But I didnt lie. I just didnt mention the kissing. I told him everything else.

I dont see the difference. Grown ups date people who are like, 10 years older!

Im NOT childish and I'm wayy more mature than other 13 year olds ... I understand NO just fine. Doesnt mean I'm gonna listen when I hear it.

Quote:

Im NOT childish and I'm wayy more mature than other 13 year olds ... I understand NO just fine. Doesnt mean I'm gonna listen when I hear it.

Actually, that sounds like quite a lot of 13 year olds.

GracieGirl wrote:

Quote:

I suspect your best shot is to own up to what you're really doing and stand up for it to your dad.

Easier said than done, dude. And I'm not doing 'anything' really. And what am I supposed to say? "Look Dad, I'm gonna make out with Collin all I want, so you need to like it or get over it?"

"Dad, I understand that you're trying to protect me, and I appreciate that. But I think you need to ask yourself a question: As I struggle with the challenges of being a teenager, do you want an open line of communication between us on which we can talk about problems like rational humans? Or do you want to drive a wedge between you and me in a futile attempt to drive a wedge between Colin and me?
Because, let's face it, it is a futile attempt. You can yell at me, you can ground me when I'm home, but while you work and I go to school, you have no control over what I'm doing there. When I'm at school, I will do with Colin what I think is right. The only realistic way for you to influence that is by persuasion. I urge you to use it. You can no longer intimidate me with your yelling and your threats. But I promise you that I will always listen to your advice. We'll get along better, and you still can do your job as a father to guide me."

Yeah right, that soo won't get me killed.

That's where you're wrong, Gracie. Things like social experience and age do matter--and that's what your father is making such a flap about. If Collin were 13, your father would be less concerned about the nature of the relationship and what was likely to go on between the two of you. Those 2 years make a big difference, both in biological development and social development, and that's especially true for a boy in terms of his sexual development. There is no way around the fact that that age gap matters, in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, at your age, no much how much you choose to deny it. For you to say it just doesn't matter, shows just how immature, and naive, you are being--if you had those two extra years of living under your belt, and you were 15, you would better understand why the age gap, and the gender gap, matters--for one thing, you would know and understand boys better, and you'd hopefully have more experience socializing with them in groups before pairing off alone with them.

The problem is that the girls you are comparing yourself to, and that you want to emulate and fit in with, are also 2 years older than you are--and they are at a different place in their social development than you are. Just because they are your classmates, or friends, doesn't mean you're entitled to do everything they are allowed to do apart from schoolwork--you are considerably younger than they are, and that's a fact you have to face and learn to live with. Your father isn't being "over protective" he's acting like the average parent of a 13 year old. Most 13 year old girls are not going on unsupervised dates with boys, let alone boys who are 2 years older than they are, and most 13 year old girls are not not allowed to spend time alone with a particular boyfriend doing "kissing and stuff". So, you're expecting your father to agree to something that most fathers would probably not agree to for a daughter your age. You're the one being unreasonable about that, not your dad.
You are also responding to peer pressure, that's what trying to "fit in" is all about. And you're caving into that peer pressure, whether you realize it or not, and ignoring all words of caution, even from the people here, about what you are doing. That's not so good, Gracie, in terms of what it says about your judgment--your judgment is still very much on a 13 year old level, and that's why your father has to lay down some rules, and insist you go along with them. Just because something "feels good" doesn't mean you should be doing it, particularly at your age. You are less aware of, and less concerned about, consequences, than you will be, even 2 years from now. Your father has to be protective--he has to protect you, or try to protect you, from errors in judgment you might make now, and not even be aware of--that's his job as a parent. You can't call all the shots, and just do what you want, you are not on equal footing with your father. Whether or not you think that's "fair" is beside the point--it's not a situation that's meant to be "fair"--parents have rights, and powers, and legal obligations, that their children don't have. Your independence is limited at this point in your life--and your father has every reason, and right, to impose those limits--even on things that "feel good" to you, or that help you to "fit in" with your older classmates.

You knew your father didn't want you to get involved with dating before Collin began showing an interest in you and kissed you. But, you didn't stop Collin when he tried to kiss you, did you--even though it appears to have happened in school, which makes it even more questionable. Why didn't you stop Collin, and tell him you had to think about what was going on? That's the problem with being 13, Gracie, at your age impulse and emotion can take over and affect judgment. You knowingly got yourself into a situation you knew your father didn't want you in yet. First you defied him, then you tried to convince him, always a bad sequence to follow with dads, Gracie. He'll react to the defiance first, which makes him less likely to listen to your convincing arguments.

Have you told Collin that your father really doesn't want you involved with him as a boyfriend? If Collin is really such a decent kid, he should be somewhat concerned with getting you to do something that your father clearly doesn't want you to do. He shouldn't want to get you into trouble, and he shouldn't want to encourage you to just flaunt your father's authority, not if he's a decent kid who has some respect for his own parents and their authority over him. How much of this situation have you actually discussed with Collin?

Your father isn't just the dad of one 13 year old girl, he's the father of two of them. That's why I asked you where your twin sister stands on the whole issue of dating and boyfriends. Whatever rules your dad lays down for you, he lays down for her too, right? Do the three of you sit down together to discuss this whole issue? When does your father feel you will both be old enough to date and pair off with boyfriends?

firefly wrote:

You knew your father didn't want you to get involved with dating before Collin began showing an interest in you and kissed you. But, you didn't stop Collin when he tried to kiss you, did you--even though it appears to have happened in school, which makes it even more questionable. Why didn't you stop Collin, and tell him you had to think about what was going on? That's the problem with being 13, Gracie, at your age impulse and emotion can take over and affect judgment.

Well, I don't think that's quite fair.

The whole "stopping him from kissing you" thing. She likes him, and has for a long time, and he asks her out (yay!) and then kisses her (yay!) -- these are things she's happy about, and I think that's fine. I don't think that in and of itself it's anything she has to feel bad about. It also doesn't sound like it was something where impulse and emotion were really the main factors -- she wanted to kiss him before the kiss, she wanted to kiss him during the kiss, she wanted to kiss him after the kiss. Not something she regretted.

What she's asked is where to go from here, since her dad is not happy?

Hopefully, Gracie, you guys will find away to talk about this since this won't be the last time it comes up....!

Any progress since we heard from you last?

Im actually NOT on your dads side...

except that the only few things he has to go on right now are A) you lied, B) 15 and 13 IS a big difference in who has developed in what area, C) you fail to realize that anything can happen to you.. there for you ARE at risk.

like i said before.. dont take the idea that something WONT happen to you because you think that the something ( what ever it is) only happens to bad people, or lose girls or people who dont know something...
everything possible.. can happen to anyone living.. PERIOD. its not a reflection of bad or good, its a possibility of life.

You CAN end up doing something you may not want to. Why? Because you physically CAN. And you need to understand that. REALLY need to understand.
It is NOT a bad thing to consider the possibility of having sex one day. Just knowing it could happen does not make you a slut, does not make you easy and DOES NOT mean you WILL.. but what it DOES do is remind you where and when to take precaution.
maturity is the ability to understand that anything can happen and having the intelligence to know where the proper precautions need to be AT ALL TIMES no matter what.

A mature teen has condoms even though they may not want sex because they KNOW it can happen. Doesnt make them bad.. just makes them smart.
A mature teen does not lie to their parents. They know their parents have the experience they dont and know it could be valuable information..even if they dont want it. they dont look down on their parents thinking they DONT understand... Nothing was different when your dad was a kid from now. Nothing. Does not mean you have to agree with him or think he is correct about everything, but maturity means you dont discard his ideas or dismiss how HE feels about something.

condoms + truth - arrogance that says " it wont happen to me" = Mature teen


very very very simple concept.

and frankly.. you are pretty far along on that equation my dear.

Another thing that's not fair is the unspoken assumption---by firefly and others in this this thread---that her dad's "no" should be the end of the story. The reality is that teenagers have no moral duty to always make their parents happy. Sometimes there's a conflict between what they want and what their parents want. When such conflicts occur, sometimes it makes sense for the teenagers to stick to their guns and fight out the conflict, and sometimes it makes sense to avoid the conflict by obeying the parents. Indeed, picking the right fights is a key part of being a mature human of any age. It is unfair to suggest that Gracie is immature simply for wanting what she wants, and for putting up a fight in order to get it.