Tue 9 Feb, 2016 03:52 am
Hi everyone, sorry to bother your day with another teenage drama but I really need help. I'm 16, I live in South Africa and I need some advice...
I've always felt that I was my moms least favorite child. I know a lot of kids think this, and I might be overreacting but its truly something that has been an issue for me. I started noticing it when I was 8 or 9. These days I feel utterly worthless in my moms eyes.
Let me give a little back story. So my oldest sister is 26 and extremely accomplished. She did amazingly in high school, was very popular, did loads of extracurricular activities, went and made a living for herself, and on top of it all she's absolutely gorgeous. She's basically every parents dream child.
Then there's my brother, who is also a dream child. Extremely handsome, talented, got a scholarship to a prestigious university and now lives overseas. He was bullied a bit when he was younger but my mom shut that down pretty quickly. He was pretty much a child prodigy.
And then there's me. Clumsy, freckled, plain, "lumpy" as my mom puts it, average marks, and overall pretty underwhelming. I want to do something different, I don't want to go to university (or at least until I know what I want to do for sure), I absolutely love children so right now what I'm aiming for is to go volunteer to work with children in underprivileged communities or work in an orphanage. But my mom doesn't support that. she wants me to go to university and follow in my siblings footsteps. I understand that she might just be trying to do the best for me but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like she just wants another little prodigy. I've tried to talk to her about favoring my siblings but whenever I try to bring the topic up she screams at me and tells my dad that I'm looking for attention and trying to play the victim because I'm lazy and a complete brat.
I was bullied terribly when I was younger. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. A vicious group of girls tormented me for years and occasionally got the boys to beat me up. This was from grade 1-6. I was also forced to perform mild sexual favors for 3 people during my time there, an older girl from grade 1-3 and 2 boys from the end of grade 3-5. I hated my life. But when I went to my mom for advice she would either tell me to ignore them or tell me to just pretend to be like them to fit in. It got so bad that even some of the teachers would poke at me when they were having a bad day. I've never told my parents about the sexual abuse. I eventually begged my dad to let me leave and was sent to a different school. The new school wasn't much better aside from the fact that none of the kids noticed me so I wasn't really bullied by them, the teachers were worse than the kids; constantly calling on me and picking me apart in front of my classmates. That was from grade 6-7. I went to two other schools after that, one was actually pretty nice but I only spent 4 moths there. I became extremely depressed shortly after leaving this school and started self harming. My mom either never noticed or she didn't care. I stopped pretty quickly because I realized how stupid it was to hurt myself. I finally left school and started homeschooling midway through grade 8. It's okay. That's all I can say about it. I was actually happy for a short while.
Now back to the real problem. Lately my mom has been getting more and more harsh on me. Constantly saying I need to lose weight, that I'm too fat for my age. I'm 147 pounds and 5 foot 7 (or 169cm). She says I'm lazy, useless, and constantly compares me to other more accomplished, popular, flawless teenagers. I try my best at everything I do and yet it's never good enough. I'll cook something and she'll find something wrong with it. I'll clean up the house for her and she'll scream at me for something else. I have extracarricular activities 5 days a week (sometimes 6), three of which only end at 8.30pm. Sunday is my only time to socialize. She's started a new punishment system, for everything I get wrong she'll add 3 new chores to my to my schedule and ban me from socializing for another week. Currently I have to clean the whole house everyday on top of study time and after school activities. Just this morning she told me to write a two page essay on top of everything. When I asked her if I could hand it in tomorrow she told me to "stop being a lazy bitch". When I then said "Please mom, I'm only asking because I have a lot to do today" she said "Well I'm saying **** you, do the ******* essay". She's constantly putting me down and makes me feel like I'll never be good enough.
I know I sound like a spoiled brat by complaining but I really need help. I'm completely exhausted and tired of life. I was once so motivated and happy about life and one day it just disappeared. I have no motivation to do anything anymore. I'm constantly tired and I've been getting sick a lot lately (my mom thinks I'm faking and calls me lazy). She swears at me and tells me I look like a whore or a slut when I want to wear something that makes me feel good about myself or confident in my body. I've never been in a relationship and I'm terrified of them because of my mother (I'm scared I'll never be good enough). It's gotten to the point where I'm afraid to try anything new because I know (feel) I'll fail anyway. I'm terrified of the future, my mom always says I'll never survive in "the real world" without her, that I'll always come back to her because I'll never be able to accomplish anything. I'm trying to be independent so that I can get away, I've been saving whatever I can for the past two years and hopefully by the end of this year I'll have just enough to leave. I have already worked out a financial plan and have found a suitable place to live, I just need other opinions on my decision. Am I overreacting? Is this a stupid idea? If so do you have any other suggestions?
We all inherently love our parents, whether we want to or not. I could never hate my mother, and I even after all she's done I still love her. But the fact is if she died tomorrow I don't think I would feel anything. I wouldn't be happy or sad, I just wouldn't feel it, and that scares me a lot. I cry every time I think it but its the honest truth. I just wan't to leave. I don't want to play the victim but when I try and get help that is most peoples response. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I can't feel like this anymore. It's too much.
Sorry for going on and on. Thanks for listening. Any advice would be greatly appreciated <3
She sounds nasty and possibly verbally/emotionally abusive.
Can you live with your father, a grandparent, or one of your older siblings until you finish school?
It sounds like a nightmarish existence.
but I have to point out some red flags. it sounds like you are sabatoging yourself. Why did you quit school soon after finding the one you really liked? And why the hell didn't you tell your parents about sexual abuse?
Only advice I can give is to never look for your self worth in any other human's eyes. If others do see value in you, consider that a bonus, not a necessity.
All the best...
I read your story and it is very similar to my own. Gorgeous sister who interestingly wasn't at all interested in boys and never dated (yes, let's elevate her a little MORE why don't we) musical, etc etc. I was plain, lumpy, bullied, etc. I share many of your experiences. All I can tell you is is that it gets better. This will make you stronger than you think.
I'm terrified of the future, my mom always says I'll never survive in "the real world" without her, that I'll always come back to her because I'll never be able to accomplish anything.
Me, too. And THIS from a woman who never finished college, didn't work after 38 years old, and really doesn't know anything about the "real world", because she has had people helping her at every turn. I was VERY sick as a late teen and I was screamed at and diminished. I literally wanted to die. Bottom line? Yes, it IS possible to hate your parents and this WILL, in the long run,
PS>>I never had to deal with any sexual abuse though....
Perhaps because she had been told all her life that she wasn't good enough so in her mind, why even stay in school? Second..yes...tell about the sexual abuse so they can either tell her she is "imagining" things, or turn it around and make it HER fault, like my parents would have. After I became an adult and started calling my parents out on some of their bull crap, I let dear old mom know that I could have been in the hospital brutally beaten and raped and her first question would be "what did you do to provoke it?" She didn't argue much.
To add one more thing..about the weight? My mother was fat and lazy, but would browbeat me about my weight. I had mine under control and was in fabulous shape for 20 years until my hips went out. I was raised in a circus of negativity, hypocrisy, and ignorance.
Thank you for your reply! Unfortunately I wasn't given a choice about leaving that school, my family decided to move and I didn't have a say in the matter...
About the sexual abuse, I've been trying to work up the courage to speak about it. I've always wanted to tell my family but I can't bring myself to. I don't know why. Maybe I'm afraid of what they'll say.
Again, thank you for your reply and advice <3
My grandparents have all died, my brother is living overseas and is focused on himself at the moment, and my sister just got a new boyfriend so she won't consider another person in her home; she also doesn't support my choice to homeschool...
But thank you for your advice. <3
Are there any adults involved with your extracurricular activities who you could talk to about all of this?
I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with you planning to move out of your parents' home - but you do need a solid plan for how you will support yourself once you have done so. Do you have a job lined up? are you working now (you probably should have at least a part-time job in anticipation of leaving home).
Seriously if am in ur shoes i would stay wit my grandparent or my sibling.
But i would adivce you try and finish ur studies nd get into d university wen u re tru wit dat u can do wat ever you wnt
I have read your story and as 78 year old bloke who has observed humanity through thick and thin times your story is not a lot different to what ex service families go through I can sense through your pain also the pain of your mother, perhaps she feels she has given her all and has found those who she lavished all her love on no longer need or notice her and it makes her cynical and unhappy, you unfortunately have become the whipping boy for her unhappiness. Having said that don't waste time continuing to absorb your pain, the world for all the gross ugliness that man has heaped upon it is never the less a magnificent place where one can find a form of peace with oneself.
This life that you have been granted is not forever, time is limited. Don't waste it!!! I would with respect suggest a few methods to help you, if you have some kind of outhouse get an old kitbag fill it with sand and hang it from the rafters, when you feel angry or upset wrap bandages around you hands like boxers do and take out your pain on the punch bag this will have two effects, your anger will subside and your brain will release endorphins which make for a happy state , if this cannot be done join a keep fit group with similar aims as yourself. Secondly look about your area for an animal rescue service, offer your services free gratis and make friends with all the people and dogs as you can. The love of a dog can be the greatest love some people ever know, it is completely without reservations, it is found that people who ill treat their dogs still get the love and attention from their dogs that they do not deserve . You will find that when you have assisted in bringing back a litter of pups to a physically and mentally full life your own problems will appear minute and even selfish. The joy of a dog who loves you by your side cannot be exaggerated . The time has come in your life when you are about to step out into womanhood, not easy but if you experience resistance just say "yes Mom" and carry on. A word of warning do not be dragged into the drug scene just to be one of the gang they will not be there when you need help and are slumped in a sanatorium chair unable to control your bodily functions and only show signs of life when the nurses come round with your fix for the day. That is the result of the "I can handle it brigade. I hope I have been able to help and have assisted in blazing the trail for a happy future.#
Google "malignant narcissist"
Also look up gaslighting, triangulation, the cycle of abuse, isolation, smear campaigning, the scapegoat/golden child dynamic.
Look up codependent, and how to recover from codependency so that you don't attract friends and lovers who treat you like this too.
Check out @wereyouinterrupted on Instagram. All the accounts they follow should have some great information too.
You are not alone. You are worthy of love and you are a precious wonderful person. Get out of there, never look back. You won't be able to keep any of your friends or family members, most likely it will just be you, but you will start over, and make amazing new friends and find a family who truly treats you like you deserve. Tell your story and help others. Get out of there asap and get some help,, focus on you and speak kindly to yourself always. love and light
Amazing reply it helped me too thanks