Wife not trusting, and wants all my passwords

Forums: Relationships, Military Family Support, Military Relationships, Marriage, Trust
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So just a quick thing about myself in the Army at AIT currently have problems my wife constantly arguing in today she requested my password and found out that she has been trying to check on me by putting verification on some of my sites IE Snapchat and start an argument because she wants to get on there saying that she just wants to be able to have my passwords not necessarily be checking on me but it's been a few times I've caught her checking my stuff and there's nothing for me to hide but it's annoying and I feel like there is no trust on top of it she says that she wants it because it'll make her feel better about herself knowing that she has it and she can access my stuff whenever she wants however I don't feel that is fair being that she says I have all her passwords but quite frankly I never got her stuff there's no reason for me to go out her stuff because it's her stuff. Just kind of looking for Solutions I told her that I cannot be in a relationship that has no trust and I feel like that is exactly what's going on in our relationship not sure if it's because I'm away and have been awake for about 3 months now what does not seem like it's getting better. Actually feeling like I want to push her away and that is not what I want I have a year and half year old son with her and have been there for them I have been married with her for 2 years thank you for your answers in advance

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@Pvtp,

Well, you're right that it's no good without trust.

Is there something specific which is driving her behavior? AIT is advanced individual training, yes? So - are you deployed (I don't honestly know, just curious)? How long are you out/away (if at all)?

Anyway, the point I am making is, if you haven't done anything, then this sort of behavior is not only troubling on its face, it's also because unfounded lack of trust can sometimes mean the other person is doing things and is projecting.

Have you tried couples counseling? Your base should have something - this is far from the first time anything like this has ever happened.

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@Pvtp,

Your wife clearly being unreasonable. There is no situation I can imagine where a spouse has the right to demand passwords. It would not be healthy for your marriage for her to have access to your accounts this way... there is trust in a good marriage. I hope that helps.

Now for solutions.

My son went through boot camp not that long ago. As a father I can tell you that adjusting to army life is very difficult for the families involved. I can imagine that this adjustment is difficult for your wife as well. Letting her know that you understand this may help.

I think it is right for you to make it clear that you are not OK with her snooping on you. Listen to her to try to see if you can give her the security she needs in a way that is acceptable to you.

Check the MWR at your base, or talk to a chaplain. There is family counseling available from the Army, I think it is free. It might be a good idea to get some counseling to help you and your wife figure out how to build trust.

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Coming at this from a totally different angle, and perhaps unusual. I couldn't care less if my spouse has all my passwords. In fact I have to remind him from time to time what to do if I croak so that he can access everything that has a password. I sure know all of his.

Business, personal, I don't care. It's all the same to me.

I find it worrisome, and downright weird, that a spouse would say something like "I don't know if I can stay in this relationship" because of this.

I would think there must be a lot of other stuff going on, and he's pinning it on this.

Why do people end of marrying someone if such a thing as a spouse being aware of passwords can cause such stife?

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@jespah,

jespah wrote:

AIT is advanced individual training, yes? So - are you deployed (I don't honestly know, just curious)?

AIT comes immediately after basic training. It's the job specific training not covered by basic training. He wouldn't likely be deployed to a base outside of the US for this part.

I did my AIT at the same fort as I did my basic training: in Fort Sill, OK though not the case for all new soldiers. One has to pass both training programs to officially enter the army as an enlisted soldier.

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@tsarstepan,

Oh, thank you. That's helpful. So if this isn't a deployment situation, it strikes me as being even weirder. I mean, isn't it kind of like him going to work during the day? Physical work, yes, but he'd be home at night?

I don't need RP's passwords while he's at the damned office.

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@jespah,

I don't know about now, but when I was in AIT, it was a 24 hour work day. Meaning, no one went home until the training was complete. That was back in 1990. So, perhaps that has changed since then.

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@tsarstepan,

I'm thinking the OP is gone but this is an interesting situation all the same. Consider jobs where you're away a lot. I used to be a road warrior. This was before the Internet got really big (late 90s). I can see where people on either side would want their trust shored up.

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@tsarstepan,

My son recently finished OSUT, which if I understand correctly is a combination of BCT and AIT done in one setting. He is an infantryman (11B).

He was controlled 24 hours a day during this time. Most weeks they didn't even let him call us. He had a 2 days of leave during about 12 weeks of training... and even during that leave he had to stay in uniform, abstain from alcohol and follow strict rules.

I think I have heard that some AITs are easier, and that it is also possible to return for an AIT after you have been in the service for a while. So it is hard to know what this soldier's situation is.

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@Pvtp,

She's feeling insecure for some reason and that reason might be you and how you behave around her. It takes a woman a while to feel sexy and normal again after having a baby and men are constantly visually intrigued by anything attractive. If you have nothing to hide then hand over the passwords and let her look, that alone would be a huge act of love and trust in your part. If you aren't hiding anything then what's the big deal? Once she sees you aren't up to anything, that curiosity will fade. Simple as that. The fact you want to push her away for that reason would tell me you are doing something she may not approve of. Snapchat alone is bullshit with its disappearing messages to hide. That's what texting is for. Why use an app that deletes your messages right away? Think about the real reason you are uncomfortable with the situation and make your wife feel sexy! She will do the same for you, goes both ways.

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@maxdancona,

Give her your passwords. If you have nothing to hide this shouldn't cause any problems for you. After some time, she'll see you are trustworthy and lose interest in wondering what your up to. I personally think two married people should know everything and have access to everything. If you want a private solitary live, then don't get married.

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My sister married somebody who liked a flutter on the horses and she used to retrieve his torn-up betting slips from the waste paper basket and piece them together like a jigsaw to see if he was lying about how much he'd put on but apparently he wasn't lying.
Their marriage hit the rocks after a couple of years because of her sour-minded untrusting nature, I'm surprised it lasted that long.. Wink

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Some possibilities:

Wife must be talking with other military wives whose husbands are cyber-cheating or looking at porn.

He has given her reason in the past that he cyber-cheats.

She is on-line cheating with another soldier.

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@Pvtp,

She is your wife and she has all rights to know your things but their is no matter to know your army details it is very unethical if it is shareable then share and if not then make her understand that this all things are highly confidential that's it .
if you not make her understand then your marriage life is at risk which is not good for you .

1 Reply

@Pvtp,

Hmm... is she controlling in other ways? Does she harass you with texts asking where you are? Do you have to get her permission to do things (that are appropriate)? Does she keep you away from friends and family? If not, then it's pretty weird for someone to JUST be controlling over social media. I mean, if you're being honest, she's in the wrong. With that being said, give her the passwords. Don't cheat or flirt. Eventually she will realize you are faithful and things will likely lighten up, and she'll hopefully apologize. Once you're married you really shouldn't require that much privacy. Trust of course, is very important. For whatever reason, she feels suspicious.

BTW, I think a lot of women would get suspicious over their guy having and using a snap chat. In general, people use it to flirt, or atleast that's why they keep it around.

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@kumaramit,

kumaramit wrote:

She is your wife and she has all rights to know your things but their is no matter to know your army details it is very unethical if it is shareable then share and if not then make her understand that this all things are highly confidential that's it .
if you not make her understand then your marriage life is at risk which is not good for you .

You are wrong - no spouse has the right to know all your things. That's completely absurd.

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@Pvtp,

something made her suspicious about your loyalty. Ask her what happened and if that makes her feel better and you already have hers i will give them my passwords just for her to check once and change them after that. Ill tell her privacy is necessary to anyone and its even healthy in a relationship. All that after getting to know from her what is what troubles her and made her doubt about my loyalty to her

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@momoends,

Hmmm Momoends,

There is a controlling husband. He demands that his wife hands over all her passwords because he suspects her of doing something that he doesn't approve of.

You really believe that it is the wife's fault that this man is suspicious of her? Since when is it a woman's responsibility if a man doubts her "loyalty" to him?

Your post makes no sense.

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

again, you haven´t read my post at all....

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@Pvtp,

I feel like in a marriage there shouldn't be secrets. I understand if you've done nothing wrong then you are offended by this but at the same time, if you don't have anything to hide, what does it matter? Give her full access to everything (as long as you have hers also) and after seeing you've done nothing wrong, she will probably ease off and become much more secure.

In this Internet age so many people are having online affairs, sexting, porn addiction, etc that I think it's a good idea for spouses to have each other's information/. It helps remind them that someone is going to hold temp with her actions I think parents should also do the same for 12-15 year old kids (it helps keep everyone out of trouble). I may be old fashioned but I don't think passwords, etc should be kept from your spouse. Good luck.

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Wife not trusting, and wants all my passwords

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