Wed 17 Jun, 2015 06:19 am
I'm going to do my best to keep this from getting long winded.
So this starts over 5 years ago in April 2010. Me and my BF started seeing each other and our relationship progressed normally. We moved in together after a year of getting to know each other. As time progressed I developed an addiction to opiates and benzos. This obviously put a strain on our relationship as any addiction would. It reached it's breaking point when I pawned an irreplaceable gold ring that belonged to my BF, he had it since he was a baby. When I went to retrieve it I was told it was accidentally melted down due to miscommunication between employees. I completely understand I should have never touched something that wasn't mine. Absolutely no excuse for my actions, just giving some back story. After this our relationship began to uncoil and unravel to it's inevitable end. Because without trust, even after 5 years together.....it's almost impossible to get it back. I ended up getting arrested for shoplifting, again to support my addiction. Definitely a blessing in disguise because I was on a downward spiral. I was able to get clean in the 47 days I spent in jail.
When I got out I had finally become the guy my boyfriend always wanted, my old self. Unfortunately it was too late, I no longer had a BF and I no longer lived with him. People do incredibly stupid things when in the whirlwind of addiction, I sure did. But this never meant I loved my BF any less, he was my world. And yet I let him down so completely and with my head down and tail between my legs, I accepted the demise of our relationship. Because with my new found clarity it was understandable why I was now single.
5 months had passed with no communication between us, it was the worst and longest period of my life. I was depressed, heartbroken, alone, full of regret all while adjusting to being single after 5 years. Adjusting to not hearing my BF's voice, waking up to his face and falling asleep to his heartbeat. I knew what I had done and taken responsibility for my actions. There is no one to blame but myself. All I could do was pick myself back up, ensure I learn from my mistakes and carry on while improving myself daily. But this didn't make the pain in my heart any easier to deal with. I spent countless nights unable to sleep running through "what if's" & " why didn't I".
I wanted to reach out to him everyday and tell him again how sorry I was and how much I love and miss him. But I respected his decision and his right to be happy with someone else. Then out of the blue at midnight I received a text from him simply saying "I miss you so much". The developed a lump in my throat and tears streamed down my face. Here was the text I wanted to send him everyday for 5 months, coming from him. I didn't respond until the next day because I was overwhelmed and didn't exactly know what to say. I sent him an email explaining that I felt exactly the same way, that not a moment in the day went by where he wasn't on my mind. He told me he misses and loves me so much, that he used to think we had nothing in common but realized that we were the same. That he always thinks of the many good times we shared together, and all the little things that were taken for granted. And how incredibly alone he felt without me in his life.
Suffice to say we both felt the same way about each other still, and realized it more than ever in our months apart. So naturally we couldn't wait to see each other, and we made plans for me to spend the night with him at his house. I met him at his work when he got out and we took his car bag to his place. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my rib-cage from the sound of his voice, the smell of his skin and the anticipation of his touch. On the way to his house we briefly shared what we had been doing for the last 5 months. It was during this time he admitted to me that he indeed was "In A Relationship" with someone and had been for the past 4 months.
He explained to me that they had nothing in common and he rushed into it trying to replace me and fill the void that I left in his life. That he didn't love him and they were always fighting, that he was someone to keep his mind off of me. Of course no one wants to hear about the love of their life being with somebody else. But I didn't care because he wanted me back in his life, and so did I. When we got to the house and sat on the couch to watch T.V., there was an awkwardness to falling back into our life together, like we were never apart. But I didn't know how to approach the situation, he has a new BF....can I hug him? Does he want to hug me? Was this night for catching up and taking things slow?
He looked at me and patted the couch next to him and motioned me to sit beside him. My eyes started watering as I sat beside him and his hand slid into mine. He looked me in the eyes, tears also beginning to fill his own. And without missing a beat we collapsed into each other's arms and the flood gate of emotion surged out. We were crying like children as we sat and held each other for what seemed like hours. And as we broke away our lips met and our grips tightened, we both felt as if this overwhelming weight had been lifted. It felt as if I could finally breathe again after 5 months of having my head underwater. All of those feelings I was trying to suppress to begin the healing process of getting over a relationship, all came bubbling to the surface. Without missing a beat we were upstairs in our old bedroom, the one that now only slept one. What took place for the next hour was 5 months worth of dreams and wishes coming true, our love reignited.
The rest of the night consisted of cuddling, crying and us discussing "where do we start?", "how do we fix this?". His family had obviously written me off as soon as we were no longer together. And they were obviously upset with the things that I had done that led to us breaking up. And his new BF hadn't done anything wrong, and was a nice guy. How does he end it with him? Overwhelmed with the tasks that laid in front of us, the mission of rebuilding our relationship.....we fell asleep wrapped tightly together.
When morning came both of us had barely slept, and we didn't want to let go of each other. But he had to be to his mother's and I obviously couldn't join him like I did for years before. So we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways until the next time we could be together. I thought "here we go, I get what most people don't get....an opportunity to do things right. To be with my soulmate, my heart and my best friend. To forever redeem myself and make everything up to him". As the days went by we continued texting, figuring out the soonest we could see each other again. The next night we spent together, as I lay in his arms and he thought I was deep asleep, he pulled me close and whispered "I'm going to marry you one day." In that moment I was the happiest I had been been in a long time.
It's been 6 weeks since that night, and he's still in a relationship with the other guy. We only see each other once a week at his house at night for a sleepover. Everyday I ask him to go on dates or to see me and he always has an excuse. When I bring up why he hasn't broken it off with his BF yet, he says "He and I only see each other once a week and we don't have sex". Almost all together avoiding answering the question. I've told him I can't sit here and see him be with another guy and take the backseat. That it's killing me that they're still together and I don't know why. It's going to be a process rebuilding what we once had, and he hasn't even started. I only see him once a week and every time I push to see him more he says I'm stressing him out. Every time I try to make romantic and fun plans he's always got an excuse or a reason why he can't. This is driving me insane and I'm falling apart, like my heart is breaking all over again. I truly don't know what to do, I want us to be together and have a future. But how long do I wait? Why isn't he trying? Doesn't he want to see me as much I want to see him? When I bring up these questions he says I'm giving him anxiety and that I'm being overly sensitive.
You're not being overly sensitive.
He's got you as his spare. I suspect he worries that you'll relapse.
Addiction doesn't just affect the addict. Have you gotten counseling since the acts that precipitated all of this? Did he? That might be the path to go down now, to consider what it's really like to rebuild trust. That means he needs to man up and tell this other guy (nicely) to hit the bricks if he wants to be with you. And vice versa. In particular, this is unfair to his official boyfriend who, I agree, has done nothing wrong.
I continue to go to group counseling twice a week to maintain my sobriety. I have been off of any and all substances since November 6th. What bothers me is that he contacted me just to sit and be miserable waiting for him to make me a priority.
I'm sorry. That stinks.
Maybe go out there. You know, meet people. Not necessarily for any reason at all. Just ... meet people. Have a fun and fantastic life and don't wait anymore. I know you want to be with him, and this is not to make him jealous or replace him. Just, don't sit at home, alone, by the telephone. Go and have a life.
He may or may not want to be a part of your life. But in the meantime, you probably shouldn't be quite so available.
I hear ya, and I was doing exactly that in the 5 months we were apart. He pretty much hit reset on the progress I was making. And after the things he said to me I cut off communication with anyone I was talking to.
Don't let him have this power over you. Have a life without him, until he can get his **** in gear enough to be with you.
Something's not right here. NOW he has no time for you - after living together before?
He either does not trust you OR he is more involved with this new BF than you are willing to admit. In any case, he's keeping you out of the picture, except for the once a week sex.
You could give him an ultimatum, but you sound like you are not ready yet, either. Your recovery is relatively new. Maybe he's waiting to see if you can really do that.
Yeah, I truly don't know what to do anymore. When you repeat the same thing over and over again and nothing happens......it's disheartening. But I love him so damn much and always thought I'd walk through Hell to be with him. But this situation isn't fair for me, it's surreal. Because I can go through the steps of what we need to do so easily in my head.
well that's no fun is it
he's got a boyfriend, and it's not you
as Jespah pointed out above, he probably needs counselling around a possible rekindling of a relationship with a non-using addict
until he's free and available, he's not for you. sounds like he's messing with you and that's not nice.
you really need to focus on your own life and strength. he'll either come along later, or not.
And after the things he said to me I cut off communication with anyone I was talking to.
whatever happens next - do not end other relationships/friendships to focus on only one person. that's no good either
What bothers me is that he contacted me just to sit and be miserable waiting for him to make me a priority.
you might want to talk to a counsellor about why you did this
Everyday I ask him to go on dates or to see me
he has a life with someone else he needs to sort out before he can even think about a casual relationship with you
I'm just going off of the things he said to me. I'm not suffocating him by asking him to deliver on the things he said he was going to do. We were together for over 5 years with a 5 month break......we know each other more than anyone else does.
Why you're sitting around miserable waiting for him to contact you.
You need to question that. It's not healthy.
He is in a new relationship with someone else. Did you think he was going to go home and dump his boyfriend?
You're his once a week something.
Think about it.
Contacting him daily asking for a date ... it's too much.
Talk to a counsellor about all of this.
we know each other more than anyone else does.
did you expect him to be in a new relationship a month after you were gone?
you say you were apart for five months and that he's been in a new relationship for four months. he moved on pretty briskly.
Emotions take time to process. Sounds like you both excel with each other and he's just processing everything in his own time. Hate thinking people deliberately play games, but perhaps he's seeing if you've really changed and will wait around for him?
Betrayl isn't easily processed and forgiven. So it's conceivable he is deliberately making you wait a bit to see if you've really changed. Much as he may wanna be with you again and resume where you left off, it's difficult to trust you again. He may never trust you as much as he once did, but he'll be able to trust you at least enough not to break his heart again. And over time then things will come to be much as they once were if things go smoothly.
How long it takes him to open up to being with you no one can say. But if you really want him you can do nothing but wait.
As to his family writing you off I'd suggest showing them your OP. If that doesn't do it, they're not win over'able.
It seems he was quite honest when he cried with you and you two had a heart to heart conversation.. I know what this is like. I say you let him text you no matter how hard it is if you leave him with the responsibility of keeping you around then maybe he'll realize you're something he needs to earn too. He needs to try in order to regain this relationship you two had. It sounds like when you were sober it was a good relationship. Try skipping out on going to his house one week. I know that will be hard but you seem to need to do something to push him to make the right decisions as you have been trying to do yourself. I believe he doesn't want to hurt this man he is seeing as well. Because he obviously did nothing to deserve to be left heartbroken. But if he continues to keep you to the side it's not fair to you considering the progress you've made so if worse comes to worse come to grips that you have a chance of not working out and make yourself known to his boy friend because he can't have everything it's not fair to you or his new toy. And in taking that chance you'll either hugely ruin it all but have to accept it or give him understanding and fix it. Either way if it turns out bad it can't be worse then finding out you were just a weekly toy for him in the long run. You have to make sacrifices and take risks in order to not be so confused in your life. Good luck
Wow I felt like I was there part of that. Its hard to say because if he only saw he once a week and didn't have sex then it should be that easier for him to break it off with her unless he is lying. He might be scared to let go of something good and come back to the unknown. People in general don't like change.