Thu 19 Nov, 2015 11:28 pm
A little bit of context before I ask:
I'm a 16 year old girl, and about.. 5 or 6 years ago my parents divorced. My memories from back then are all... Very fuzzy. I can't really remember much. But eventually me and my mom moved in with her ex husband, who became her boyfriend. But.... Ever since we moved in with him, my life has been hell. One of the first examples that.. I can actually remember clearly is the first Christmas we spent there. I was only eleven, and I was trying to deal with the fact that I no longer had a family. My mom and her boyfriend got... This really disgusting lovebirds ornament. It felt like they were taunting me with it at the time, and, like a normal 11 year old would, I made the bad decision to hide it in the tree to where I didn't have to see it. Well, immediately when my mom's boyfriend... I'll just call him P for short. Immediately when P saw that it was missing from it's spot, he began yelling. He yelled so loud our windows shook, and he wouldn't stop even after I started crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I had never been yelled at like that before, it was terrifying. The only thing I can remember him saying is "IF THAT ******* ORNAMENT DOESN'T TURN UP SOON I'M GOING TO TAKE A SLEDGE HAMMER TO THE PLAYSTATION I GOT US. AND IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT."
Then... The next time I remember was shortly after that. My dad called me, and I remember P lunging at me to try and rip the phone from my hands. For perspective, I was eleven, 5 ft 2 and i weighed around 98 pounds. All of a sudden I have this 6 ft 4 guy lunging towards me, I totally freaked out.
After that... It got worse? Both my mom and P would constantly get on to me for the littlest things. They would never congratulate me on my good grades, and acted like going to my choir programs was a chore. Whenever i got back from visiting my dad's, they acted like I was a criminal. I eventually got worn down to the point that I was CONVINCED that I was a horrible person, that I deserved to be yelled at like that. The next few years was full of arguments and fights. I was always the villain no matter what happened. Nothing I ever did or said was enough... Eventually I stopped trying with school.
After that... My best friend ended up in foster care, and they managed to adopt her. Then me and T, as i'm going to call her, went to the lake with our friends. I wasn't able to ask for sunscreen because they had already spent a lot of money on new furniture and stuff, since we just moved. I got pretty burnt up. So we go to eat dinner that night, and I am in so much pain I can barely move. I politely asked if I could eat in the living room just this once. P yelled "****, NO."
Well, T is super protective of me, and so she grabbed my plate and moved it over to the living room. Immediately when she did that, everything became a whir. I can't remember much of it. All I remember is P screaming as loud as he possibly could, then he started to flip over the furniture. He rampaged throughout the house, and when he flipped the couch over, I ran outside screaming and hyperventilating. My body moved on it's own... I couldn't even stop myself from going inside when my mom yelled "GET YOUR ASS BACK IN HERE OR YOU'RE GROUNDED"
The rest of the day I was crying non-stop and I couldn't breathe. My mom told me that there's no reason why I should be acting like that, and that maybe she should commit me to the hospital. After that I looked at her and asked her "why would you do that to me?" I soon feigned being okay and asked if me and T could go grab a soda. Instead, we asked a stranger if we could borrow his phone. I immediately called my dad, he reported them to CPS but nothing happened. Eventually, my mom started taking antidepressants, and she got better. But P stayed the same. I felt unsafe, I still feel unsafe. I cover up my smoke alarm in my room because i'm afraid it's a hidden camera. We live in a very small town in the middle of nowhere.
Another incident was when T's ex boyfriend dumped a dog on her, and she didn't know what to do because he said he would shoot it if she tried to give it back. P blamed it all on her and raised hell.
And, another was when P's dogs kept peeing in T's bedroom. She eventually rubbed his nose in the pee, because people do that? Anyway P went off again. He grabbed her by her arm really hard and pulled her up off of the ground. Started yelling. Picked up my baby nephew and started yelling some more. When he got back to T's bedroom, he slammed his hand on the doorframe like he was trying to take it off, all the while my nephew was still dangling in his other arm. Luckily, from what I can tell he wasn't hurt.
And. This last paragraph brings me to my question.
When I was 12, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. I am in constant pain, and I need to use a cane if I want to walk long distances. This is something I live with, I could die at any moment. I'm 16 and I have to face the reality that my death is always around the corner. I've isolated myself, and I don't take the topic of my illness lightly. The other day, I was supposed to mail a package to one of my out-of-state friends. However, I forgot. So I asked my mom if we mailed it yet, and she said no. I said alright, do you need help with dinner. She said no so I went inside my room. Not even two minutes later I hear yelling, P is screaming and carrying on about me. I walked out there and asked him what I did wrong. He started carrying on about how I should walk to the post office, so naturally I told him I physically can't. But as I tried to explain he just yelled "WALK, IT'S GOOD FOR YOU." over and over. Eventually I got fed up, and I screamed that I'm not healthy, I have a disease and always will. Then he told me that I am 16, and I am as healthy as I ever will be. And that it's all in my head. When i went into my room he screamed "WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEIR GENERATION AND OURS?".
I live in constant fear. I'm failing school, I can't bring myself to do any schoolwork. I just want to sleep. I just want out of here. I'm in constant pain and I'm so scared and so stressed out that it triples on me. I just want to live with my dad, but every time he calls CPS they just treat him as a bitter ex husband. I also don't know if I'm just overreacting. Am I overreacting? Should I just deal with this? Or is there truly something wrong? I can't tell. I don't know whether I should call or not. I don't want to disappoint my mom, but i'm rotting from the inside out. I don't know what to do. Please help.
Do you have a school counselor or something like that? Perhaps you could ask them for help.
Perhaps you could also print out everything that you wrote here and let the school counselor read it, just in case you get flustered and skip over something when you talk to them.
I've no idea how CPS works, but I'm sure you could also try contacting them. I'm not sure if you could relay your entire case over the phone, but perhaps you could set up an appointment with some sort of case worker and present your case in person.
If you do set up an appointment with a CPS case worker, you might consider printing all this out for them to read, just like I suggested doing with the school counselor.
Many of the people on able2know are asleep right now, so you might need to wait until tomorrow before you get many replies here.
I might put a "relationships" tag on this thread at least temporarily. It's not really a relationships thread, but the people who are likely to have the best advice for you are the people who frequent that forum.
I think it would be helpful to,call CPS yourself and tell them how you are feeling.
Is there a counsellor at your school? I think it would be good if you can tell all this to an adult outside of your situation. I imagine that school counsellors are mandatory notifiers where you are? They should notify Cps If there is a need and that would make it not just your dad.
Are you able to speak to your mother about how you feel, or would it go straight back to P?
I would definitely talk to a counselor or teacher at your school. Why can't you live with your father? Does your mom have sole custody of you? At your age you should ber able to decide who you reside with.
no, she doesn't. they should have joint custody still. i cant talk to a counselor at school because i go to an online school, and my mom can see all contact i have with my teachers. i've already tried to ask to live with my father, but my mom tried to convince me that he would molest me, even though he's not a registered sex offender and she has no evidence. i live in a very very small town that only has a small quickstop, a police station, and a courthouse. i dont exactly trust the police here, either. since they dont see P as anything other than a "great man"
i've already tried to ask to live with my father, but my mom tried to convince me that he would molest me, even though he's not a registered sex offender and she has no evidence.
Unless you have some actual reason to suspect your father, don't let her convince you.
A baseless insinuation about molestation sounds like a blatant attempt to manipulate you.
Perhaps a phone call to these people would help:
Hello, im sry 2 hear wat u goin through but if u need any 1 to talk 2 leave me a email please firstname.lastname@example.org
please use it please if u wanna talk about anything please
Let me assure you that no matter your circumstances, if day to day interaction with your family or others that you live with make you want to die, to sleep all day, to disappear, there's something seriously wrong. That is something you can be sure of. You need to get out of the care of those two. You also need to accept that you're going to disappoint your mother, and that can't be helped, but it will be better for both of you in the long run. She may not realize the harm she's doing you.
I think you should call CPS and, if there are any adults around you you can trust, ask them to call in your behalf as well. You should also ask your father to check with a lawyer any legal options he may have, if he hasn't done so already.
Well I feel sad for you... We all go through a lot. but in your situation were your stepdad is a very bad person and your mom doesn't leave him to have a good life. Your life suck. The only way to survive tell your councelor at your school they will try to help you that is why that person is their at your school to help the kids with their daily life.. ok. She should call the CPS and remove you to your dad tell them the CPS people you want to live with your dad. if hes a good and stable person for you to live with. And when you live with your dad don't give him hell. do your homework, clean the house and respect the adults. always your at the house its not yours. And if you cant live with dad in you work until your 17 or 16 at Burger king and try saving a lot of money. They pay good their worked their before and paid my stuff cloth anything I wanted. Try saving all your money you cant buy a place on your own but you will learn to have money and being independent lady. First get a car not a new car I buy a used car and good car. worth not a lot than 18 yrs old get your own damn apartment. ok gud luck. and don't bother P your stepdad. and your mom shes a big lady leave her alone but once in awhile visit her and call her how she is doing. bye.
Mr Imhislady DON T CONTACT HIM hes a perv. or a crazy person. Look at his dumb name is email 69? nuthead...... and take care.
You are not overreacting. Your stepfather has horrible anger, and has shown that he can get physically harmful to others. YES, call CPS. At a certain age, minors can ask to live with the parent they would like to live with. CPS could probably help with this. A good place to start would be a counselor at your school. You really need to get out of that environment; your stepfather may continue to get worse. Your mother is not protecting you properly. It is also possible that you can declare your independence and therefore do not "belong" as a child to anyone. This could work if your Dad wants you to come live with him; or another close relative with whom you feel safe. Best of luck.
Dear butterflyring, I'm so terribly sorry to hear what you are going through. I was in a very similar situation in my teens with a stepdad who constantly bullied and intimidated me, until I felt I could never be good enough, and a mum who went along with the situation. I am now a mum myself and believe me this situation is absolutely NOT okay, and it is vital that this gets sorted out. It sounds like you are very bright and clever, and your schoolwork is the key to your future, so I hate to think of you losing the chances your good grades will bring to you. You should certainly contact CPS (really good suggestion to print out your story to show them). Try to talk to & get support from your dad/a relative you can trust. If you have no reason to think your dad is untrustworthy, & you feel safe with him then move to his house. Yes your Mum will probably be angry/upset, but she is not protecting or caring for you and that's her job as a parent. It is HER responsibility to give you a safe & loving home so you can live with her happily, not yours as the child.
Absolutely DO NOT email or contact anyone you meet online. You are vulnerable & sadly there are many bad people out there who are looking for someone like you to take advantage of, even if they seem kind and caring. You cannot EVER trust someone in that situation, NO MATTER how nice they seem.
You deserve a safe and happy home. Be brave and don't give up. If you aren't being listened to then the person isn't doing their job properly. Keep trying until someone takes you seriously. It sounds like your dad is concerned about you, so try him first - he's your other parent after all.
I wish you luck, you are in my prayers. Things will get better. Xxx
At 16, the court should honor your wishes to live with whomever you want.
But your FATHER has to request it. So it's up to him to push for a custody hearing. He must have a bedroom for you and show the court he can provide a good home for you.
Then you can tell the judge or magistrate what your wishes are.
I say call them and politely demand that they listen to you. But, do what's best for you.
Collect some proof of P's aggression towards you so you have something to back up your points. Dont be afraid to call cps yourself as well if you have a phone.