FreeDuck wrote:Bi-Polar Bear wrote:
sweetheart even a sequoia seems small if you toss it into the Grand Canyon.....
When I meet a man with a sequoia, I'll ask him if that's true.
so you will be providing the Grand Canyon? hmmm... sort of painted yourself into the corner there duckie....
I can get some red wood if ya'll give me a few minutes notice....
trying to reply to post, not working
i'm trying to post on a subject that i started without luck
perfect
okay, I must say i'm sort of surprised at the amount of interest in my post.
The post was placed out of pure frustration and was done so quickly and in an aggravated state. Of all the suggestions, I reply by saying that I have tried all of them. When I suggest counseling she tells me she doesnt have a problem with how things are going. I've tried to get us away, always something in the way. Of all of my faults, and there are probably many, I am an involved parent to my kids. She's a great mother also.
Here's my problem: She tells me she doesnt have a problem with how things are going. I try to talk about the subject with her, she will have none of it. I NEED SEX!!! Hey, I'm exhausted too.
I'm not someone who is unattractive, I'm not looking for an affair, just for intimacy one in a while. I just dont know what the hell to do.
Also, she knows I wouldn't divorce my kids. I threw that word out there out of frustration. I just cant live in a sexless world. Just dont know what to do.
Hmm, I don't have any wise words of advice, just empathizing. I can see how that would be frustrating.
Perhaps it doesn't fully register with her that YOU have a problem? (she says she doesn't...so to her everything is just dandy). If she does, what solutions did you come up with together, did you try to identify any together?
Wishing you good luck.
(If all else fails, running helps. As in jogging, not running away)
Hi Jake,
Welcome to A2K... as you can see we are an interesting bunch with lots of opinions.
I stand by my suggestion (way back) that you seek a marriage counselor. Personally, if my wife wouldn't listen to my needs... after I communicated them in a reasonable way and was convinced I made every effort to have a healthy relationship... I would seek a separation. Insisting that she participate in marriage counseling is fair if you have reached this point.
In a monogamous relationship, it isn't fair for one part of a couple to deny sex. If she will allow you to seek sex outside the marriage, then that is a different matter.
If she is not accepting your needs when you have communicated them openly and rationally, and if she is not willing to work on what is needed in the marriage, than this is a problem in your marriage that must be addressed.
I think seeking a marriage counselor, and insisting she join you, is the appropriate next step.
Quote:When I suggest counseling she tells me she doesnt have a problem with how things are going.
Would you consider telling her that you are feeling that something is lacking and that counseling together would be helpful for you?
Jake, thanks for coming back to clear up a few things and I wish I had some advice that would help.
I wish you the very best in resolving things with your wife.
Re: perfect
jakeman528 wrote:Here's my problem: She tells me she doesnt have a problem with how things are going. I try to talk about the subject with her, she will have none of it. I NEED SEX!!! Hey, I'm exhausted too.
I'm not someone who is unattractive, I'm not looking for an affair, just for intimacy one in a while. I just dont know what the hell to do.
Also, she knows I wouldn't divorce my kids. I threw that word out there out of frustration. I just cant live in a sexless world. Just dont know what to do.
This is one of those rare occasions when I come off the fence regarding mistresses and feel that you are justified in finding someone who is willing to be a mistress. This is different than having an affair in the usual sense. I mean an understanding with your wife that your needs are not being met. I am not suggesting that you give her any details, but simply let her know that sex is an important part of your life and YOU have a problem with the way things are even if she doesn't. What else would she have you do?
I would also suggest you be equally candid with the woman who becomes your mistress. And for god's sake, use protection. It seems that you're quite talented at making babies.
ebrown_p wrote:Hi Jake,
Welcome to A2K... as you can see we are an interesting bunch with lots of opinions.
I stand by my suggestion (way back) that you seek a marriage counselor. Personally, if my wife wouldn't listen to my needs... after I communicated them in a reasonable way and was convinced I made every effort to have a healthy relationship... I would seek a separation. Insisting that she participate in marriage counseling is fair if you have reached this point.
In a monogamous relationship, it isn't fair for one part of a couple to deny sex. If she will allow you to seek sex outside the marriage, then that is a different matter.
If she is not accepting your needs when you have communicated them openly and rationally, and if she is not willing to work on what is needed in the marriage, than this is a problem in your marriage that must be addressed.
I think seeking a marriage counselor, and insisting she join you, is the appropriate next step.
He already suggested counseling, but she refused, so since he doesn't own her, he can't very well make her go.
Also, the last time I looked, sex wasn't a need. Sex is a desire.
Montana wrote:Also, the last time I looked, sex wasn't a need. Sex is a desire.
I think there are differences among people on the need for sex. Walter might have some data, but I can see a case being made for someone saying they need sex in their relationship.
No, he can't make her go. But she can't make him stay either.
Obviously the next step, after it is clear that a partner in marriage is not getting his needs met, is separation. At this point he would be released from any obligation of monogamy. (Another option is a discrete affair, but I agree it is better to be upfront).
I am suggesting that he try every other option he has before taking this step. Making it very clear that counseling is necessary to save the marriage is a good idea.
JPB wrote:Montana wrote:Also, the last time I looked, sex wasn't a need. Sex is a desire.
I think there are differences among people on the need for sex. Walter might have some data, but I can see a case being made for someone saying they need sex in their relationship.
In a monogamous relationship-- I think there is an implicit assumption that there will be sex.
Need or desire is irrelevant. For someone to deny sex to her partner... while insisting he not have sex with anyone else is unfair.
Taking a cue from Dear Abby I'll say -- arrange counseling and if she won't go with you, go by yourself.
If nothing else this will show her that you really do think this is a big problem even if she doesn't. Maybe she'll eventually reconsider and join you or maybe she won't but you will get some good, professional advice.
JPB wrote:Montana wrote:Also, the last time I looked, sex wasn't a need. Sex is a desire.
I think there are differences among people on the need for sex. Walter might have some data, but I can see a case being made for someone saying they need sex in their relationship.
I also see sex as important in a marriage, but I also see 4 children in this one and I can understand why she would lose some desire for a while, but I think in time, when she's had time to catch her breath, she may gain that desire again.
ebrown, suggesting he have an affair is not very fair either. I would suggest a seperation, although.
Montana, There are two people in a marriage. The needs of each person are important.
If the wife is willing to work to resolve conflicting needs, than that it one thing. Her joining him in counseling is a good way to do this.
If she is unwilling to work to resolve this problem (and there is clearly a problem if one member of a marriage is feeling frustrated), how is the marriage going to work?
Montana, if your spouse was completely unresponsive to your needs because he said he was "exhausted", what would you do?
Montana wrote:ebrown, suggesting he have an affair is not very fair either. I would suggest a seperation, although.
Actually, it was me (on the bottom of the previous page) with assorted conditions as explained.
ebrown_p wrote:Montana, There are two people in a marriage. The needs of each person are important.
If the wife is willing to work to resolve conflicting needs, than that it one thing. Her joining him in counseling is a good way to do this.
If she is unwilling to work to resolve this problem (and there is clearly a problem if one member of a marriage is feeling frustrated), how is the marriage going to work?
Montana, if your spouse was completely unresponsive to your needs because he said he was "exhausted", what would you do?
I agree that she should be trying to meet him half way here, but suggesting an affair would only ruin the marriage completely.
To answer you're question, I would leave him if it was that bad.
