Sick of being turned down by wife

Bi-Polar Bear wrote:

FreeDuck wrote:
I'm with boomer and soz.

I have to reiterate what boomer said. We give up other partners too. Maybe that's why some of us lose interest in sex, because we know it has to be with you.

unless you want something...

... like an end to the whining.

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FreeDuck wrote:

Maybe that's why some of us lose interest in sex, because we know it has to be with you.

<sob>

I knew it....

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Bi-Polar Bear wrote:

the birthday girl doesn't want the last piece of cake but will have a **** if another little girl tries to eat it.

if it's vanilla, I'll pass it on

spice cake's another story. I'll fight any little girl to the death for it.

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Quote:

if it's vanilla, I'll pass it on

You are talking about your husband here, right? I hope he appreciates your openness.

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Don't be telling Setanta I've got a husband.

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Maybe I'm an old stick in the mud, but I find this thread very distressing. I don't know the writer, as he is a newbie, so I am taking what he has said at face value. He appears to be hurting very badly in his marriage. The couple's communication appears to have broken down.

Why the hell are all of you making light and going on tangents about this thing? This guy is hurting, and he is coming to us for advice. I don't think that this is the time or the place to make sport of it.

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I think he'd be happy to know you find he tastes like spice cake, Beth.

Better that than Old Spice, right?

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FreeDuck wrote:

Bi-Polar Bear wrote:
FreeDuck wrote:
I'm with boomer and soz.

I have to reiterate what boomer said. We give up other partners too. Maybe that's why some of us lose interest in sex, because we know it has to be with you.

unless you want something...

... like an end to the whining.

men are stupid. they have a way bigger need for sex than women (which of course makes them inferior), and they whine for it and if they don't get it they're cranky. Women are so much smarter. They refuse to give in to such illogical demands so they can have a cranky man to bitch about, because that sort of tension is so pleasant. You gals really are f'in geenyus'. Laughing

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Re: Sick of being turned down by wife

jakeman528 wrote:

We have four kids and the youngest is nine months. We havent really had meaningful sex in a couple of years and each instance starts with my begging for it. Its an otherwise good marriage but sex is important to me and may just lead to divorce due to this problem. I've talked to her till my )&^%^% turn blue. It always leads to a fight when i bring it up. I"m frustrated to no end.

Phoenix has made me feel badly, so here's advice from the heart.

I'm sure your wife is stressed out from 4 children. That means she needs someone to take her stress out on. So you're it. Better you than the children. It's a control issue as well. She probably feels like she's not in control of much and so by controlling her body she feels better about herself and that is more important to her right now than preserving your relationship. There's nothing uncommon about this. Live with it or leave her. But make sure you add up the cost of the fact that she will soak you for as much child support as possible for 18 years and you will be presented as the bad guy and you will be a father in name only. Or you can hang in there and leave her alone and just masturbate. That will take away her ability to control you and that will make her as miserable as you are without sex. It's a real compliated situation and you lose no matter what. Should you find yourself extricated from this situation think about this before you get into another.

Better, Phoenix? It's from the heart.

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Bi-polar, You are more cynical that I am. I respect you for that.

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ebrown_p wrote:

My serious point is that men should be the equals to women in issues relating to marriage.

The advice that women get when complain that their husband is not paying attention to them is quite a bit different than the advice given here.

Jake is obviously putting effort into his marriage, and he has obviously made the attempt to communicate.

Still the advice he is given is:

- You need to treat your wife better (i.e. trips, "helping").
- You need to communicate (in spite of the fact that he said he was communicating).
- Stop whining.

I would wager that had this been a woman posting about her husband, the advice would have been quite a bit different.

Jake's wife has an equal responsibility in their marriage. If she is not willing to make the effort to address the problem in their marriage (and if one partner feels ignored it is a problem), then the advice given is useless.

Women are equally responsible for a marriage... and women aren't always right.

I totally agree that women and men are equally responsible for their marriage, yet I'm still waiting to see the men at the grocery stores and such with the screaming, yelling, crying kids. Every house I enter, it's always mom who's cooking, cleaning and chasing after the kids.

I, for one, am all for equality and am hoping to see it happen some day ;-)

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Damn, are Bear and Squinney fighting or something? From whence cometh all the vitriol, big guy?

.....Jeebus, if I was Jake, I'd never come back here.... Laughing

(editing to add that I'd throw my two cents in, but since Mr C and I have been fighting since last night, I don't feel too qualified to give marital advice at the mo'....*sigh*)

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Bear, I have to disagree with you on this one. I lost my desire for sex for a few years after my son was born because I was simply exausted.
I didn't get any help from my sons father in helping care for our son or around the house, for that matter, so I was wiped out.
I can only imagine how drained she is doing it with 4 kids.

I'm not saying he doesn't take equal resposability with their kids, which is why I asked him if he did. The answer to my question makes all the difference in the world.

If he's not helping with the kids, he certainly needs to.

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no vitriol at all cyphercat... that's how I see things.... what exactly is it you disagree with in my post?

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PS squinney and I are not fighting Very Happy

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Bi-Polar Bear wrote:

what exactly is it you disagree with in my post?

The mood I'm in, I'll disagree with every damn letter of it if you get me started! :wink:

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For the record........

I'm just stirring the pot. I find the entire sex, control, whining, women versus men thing hilarious.

Men use sex to get close. Women have to feel close to have sex. Women use sex as a punishment/reward system. Men are cranky if they don't get sex. Sometimes the man is wrong, sometimes the woman, usually both are being stiff necked and wrong.

Everyone makes a huge issue out of it and if they just went ahead and did it, which would take half the time of debating it... I gurantee you life would be calmer and sweeter for all involved. People are too stubborn for that.

IMHO of course.

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Quote:

I totally agree that women and men are equally responsible for their marriage, yet I'm still waiting to see the men at the grocery stores and such with the screaming, yelling, crying kids. Every house I enter, it's always mom who's cooking, cleaning and chasing after the kids.

I, for one, am all for equality and am hoping to see it happen some day

Sorry I don't buy this.

This is an example of perception being influenced by stereotypes.

You will often find me in the grocery store with my 2 year old daughter (the difference is with her dad, she never screams, yells or cries).

Men do a lot more cooking, cleaning and parenting then they are given credit for. The assumption is that men are lazy slobs and woman are selfless saints... This is a stereotype more than anything else.

My next door neighbor is a stay at home dad. His wife is a very busy doctor and he is responsible for cleaning, cooking and raising their three daughters while she puts in very long hours.

What happens is that women complain about their husbands... and everyone just nods since the assumption is that women are harder workers and more selfless then men. If a man complains... actually men know better now-- they would be scornfully mocked if they even try.

Starting with an assumption that one gender is harder working and more responsible in a marriage (and this assumption is made without any regard for the truth of each individual marriage) is not a good way to get equality.

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I really don't know who is harder working, and exactly what is the origin of the problem. What I do know, is that the guy is having a hard time, and instead of attempting to save the marriage, he wants to bail out, leaving four kids without a steady father.

We don't know much about this particular marriage. Without that knowledge, we really cannot give any specific advice. I do know though, that the two of them need to communicate, or they will drift farther and farther apart.

Sex is usually never the nucleus of the problem. It is usually a symptom of something deeper, emotionally. The first step is that the two of them start talking. Not knowing more details about the marriage, there is not much more that can be said.

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I agree with ebrown completely. Men have been portrayed for many years as either Ike Turner or Dagwood Bumstead.

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Sick of being turned down by wife

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