ADVICE NEEDED-I'm about to lose my wife

I agree. It's also equivalent to pouring gasoline on a fire.

Relationships are hard.

That seems like a dumb thing to say, but it's true.

I've been in a lot. I've thought "this is the one" and I've been wrong. Yeah, people can give you advice but they can only speak on what they know. No one here is going to know what it's like for you or your wife. We only know what you tell us.
That said, I can only tell you what I know.
You're right when you said it takes two. One person is not completely wrong or right. One person trying to make it work, won't make it happen. The other guy is just another guy, he's not the problem. He could be anyone. And infactuation doesn't last. Butterflies fade.
When I've been attracted to other people, it was a sign that I wasn't getting what I needed from a relationship.
Maybe you've made some mistakes. But that happens, we all take the person we love the most for granted. It's bad and it's something to remember not to do. It's important to remember why you love the person you're with and why you want to be with them. every day.
I'm in a relationship now that we went through hell to be together. It's not all roses right now cause we need to work on it. You always need to work on it. I've been burned by love enough in the past to be the first out the door if things are looking bad. I'm not doing that now. I know this is the person I want to be with and they know they want to be with me and we will work out whatever we need to in order to do just that.
It's work. And it's knowing yourself well enough to know what baggage you carry around.
It's understandable that you are freaking out. Until you know what's happening and how you need to deal with it, it's freak out time. Keep seeing the conselor. Hopefully that'll help. But you need to work on what you can work on. and until your wife decides what she is going to do, all you can do is take a deep breath and do what you can. If she decides she isn't going to do the work. Then you need to move on.
Chill.

I'm trying to chill, but when you are about to lose the one thing in your life that means everything to you and you have spent the last 8 years with, its tough.


She is going through a phase where she is questioning if being married ti em is what she wants out of life. The other man is just a variable that is making this harder. She finally has "financial freedom" created by this job and has begun a natural thought process of what life would be like without VS,.

I'm trying to stay strong, but I have been to hell in back in my life and am just so weak from it all.

Its really the unknown tat is killing me right now. I just want to know one way or another, which way this is going to go. I pray every night for peace and that my wife will find her way, but nothing yet.

Its hard ti chill when your life is at stake. I have grown and invested everything in this women. I have turn against overtures from other women for this woman., I have supported her financially and emotionally. I don't want to "freak out", but I guess I am not as strong as i hoped I was. I am 90% sure this isn't going to work out, but I will hold onto that 10% as long as I can.l

Thanks for your support.

This is very much what I was saying, vstrong. It makes a lot of sense. She met you when she was very young and she has never really been autonomous, it sounds like. Now she's experiencing that for the first time and she likes it. (Again, the work guy is incidental.)

You have to chill because you can't put this particular genie back in the bottle. So when she's comparing a potential life without vstrong vs. a life with vstrong, you need to do what you can to make the latter seem like a viable option. Telling her to quit her job won't work. Telling her to quit seeing the guy won't work. General manifestations of control are probably not going to work in your favor (in other words, telling her to do anything).

Being someone who can be a partner -- who can allow her to feel autonomous, to be financially and professionally successful and not be threatened by that -- is your best hope, IMO.

soz- I think you are right on....but its easier said than done.

I'm literally dying. I haven't eatin in days. I can't concentrate on anything. This has consumed me (I know, pathetic).

I am just going to continue to show her love and support, but I can only be walked all over for so long. I have only tried talking about the situation maybe 3 times in the 10 days since "it" has happened.

I am trying to just have a sense of normalcy at home and let her know how much she means to me and what a great husband I can be. She has said that she just doesn't have faith in me (that I can change), but I think that is just an excuse for her new found freedom and independence.

I truly believe that if we go our separate ways, she will regret this move in a short amount of time. As the saying goes "the grass is always greener...". She has everything right now she can ask for. She really has. I am making changes to become a better person and trying to show her that the new me is for keeps, but its so hard when there id really no love on return ( I haven't been kissed, hugged,etc. unless I initiate it).

As I sit here now, she is out....... doing god knows what, with god knows who. I don't believe she is seeing another man outside of work or cheating on me, but the unknown is killing me.

I have a feeling we have about a 10% chance of making it, but I am giving it 100%. We'll see. We have another counselor meeting Jan. 6Th, so hopefully I can hold it together until then. I am slowly falling out of love with her, as I am being treated like crap, emotionally cheated on, and not getting one once of love whatsoever. At least in the 6 months that she says she felt unloved I would give her at least something, I guess just not enough...obviously.

Thanks for listening,
VS

I agree wholeheartedly with Soz' last post.



On how you are suffering, I am finally pushed to say, what do you think the rest of the world goes through? Life is quite tough for a lot of people. Get a grip. Do you think eveyone walking by you is all-happy?

Hi.

I had kept quiet and was just listening bc a)I'm not married b)you are getting great advice.

I'd like to add my view now, because it might help. I think the council - together or even alone - is a great idea. Good on you there, and on your wife too.

Reading through all your posts, vstrong, here are a few impressions I get:
*You are prone to being a wee bit overdramatic.
*You are a bit in the grips of the 'nice guy syndrome'
*You aren't giving your wife enough credit here

Listen, to put it bluntly, this isn't the end of the world. You are indeed blowing this out of proportion, and I agree with what JoeNation said earlier - something to the effect that this is not a big deal. That is not to say that it isn't a valid issue or that you shouldn't pay attention to it seriously and work on it. Just that, it is a hurdle you can get over.

Honestly, there were a few times I was reading what you had to say and was thinking "Are you kidding me here?".

All I mean is, I think you may have some expectations about relationships that are not exactly realistic. Ok, so who doesn't, right? However, you are a married man and now those expectations are getting in the way of your marriage. So, it may be worth re-evaluating the basis of what you are getting so bloody upset about.

I sort of understand within the context of your situation: You have been with her for 8 years, you were both super young when you got together, and you are used to being her main support. Now that she has a little freedom and doesn't need you as much - your security is rocked too. Beyond her little flirtation, the entire relationship has had a huge shift in power. (For the better, in a healthier balance, IMO, in the long run).

You repeated over: "I just hate not knowing."

Why? That seems weird to me given that your wife has kept you in the loop and told you exactly what is going on her side! She still loves you, she still kisses you - it's not like she has deserted you. She is still there, only not exactly as you would like.

IMHO, you are the one that needs to be a champ now and 'toughen up' a little too. I know you aren't going to want to hear that, and I know you are going to want to either argue it or give excuses for why you have valid reason to bitch. But...that's the whole point...**** happens, bitching only makes it worse sometimes. I really think your holding on to how bad this hurts and how much you are suffering from it is only keeping you from progressing at this point.

I almost hate to say this, but women need a strong man. I believe confident men need a strong woman too. It shows that the person will do what needs to be done, and prevent unnecessary hurt.

Now is not the time to be showing your insecurities in front of her - now is the time to take charge. Show her that her changes don't rock your boat terribly: you are confident that she has married a great guy and she will come around to remembering all of that soon enough. Love her without expectation: whether she does this or that, whether she will choose to stay or go.

In short, start getting positive. It is your best chance. And I really do think you have a great shot. It is going to take honest effort on both your parts.
All you control is you: so focus on that. Focus on allowing this experience to make you an even stronger, amazing person than you are right now.

good luck.

Yeah, this part concerned me and drives home my feeling that you are shaken up quite a bit by her being an independent woman. You aren't used to it.

Do you resent it? Even though outwardly you have cheered her - was that only a 'nice' thing to do, and did you expect some sort of loyalty or anything in return?

Also - you mentioned you felt 'walked all over'. How is she walking all over you?
(btw: how can someone walk over you unless you let 'em?)

Are you a passive aggressive fella?

I am a type A guy.

Well, I found out last night that she went to go see this other man after work for a few hours. She then went out with her friends and didn't come home until 4am. We pretty much had it out when she came home.

I think its over. My wife is in a fantasyland and thinks that no problems will exist in her life once I am gone. After 8 years you would think that I deserver at least a chance to show her what a great man I can be.

I am trying to toughen up. But this has ruined me.

it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger

excellent post flushed.
I am afraid though, vstrong doesn't address any of it. Sorry to say,
after reading all your postings, vstrong, I have come to the conclusion
that you're a whiner.

You haven't addressed any of the great advice you've been given,
and you haven't really done anything else either, except whine.

I'm not sure how I am whining. I an reaching and calling for help. I just want to know what I need to do to get my wife back. Thats it. She was with him last night, in a non-work environment, and I'm sure they were not reading books.

In my mind that is unacceptable. She is married. She should give the the chance to make her happy. I cant imagine my life without her, nor do I want to.

I am trying to back off and give her space, like people here told me. I barely spoke to her yesterday, until she got home at 4am.

I think I deserve better than that, especially now. She knows the pain I am going through.

How do all expect me to act. I'm absolutely ruined. The thought of not having her in my life is tearing me apart. Its like the slowest death you can imagine. Sorry if it comes off as whining. I'm terribly hurt and troubled. I cry almost all day. I'm so weak from not eating or sleeping, then I get to hear thant i am whining.

I just don't know what to do or how to handle this. She means the world to me. A little symapthy instead of name calling would be nice.

I'm certainly sympathetic, vstrong.

Start by eating -- sleeping is harder to control, but eating you can do.

It doesn't sound quite like you've been taking the advice given here, though. We're saying be supportive, receptive, patient, stuff like that. That's much different from giving her the silent treatment and the "unacceptable" stuff "I deserve" stuff and almost everything else you're saying here.

I agree that she's adding fuel to the fire to see this male friend in these circumstances, and if she were the one here asking for advice I'd tell her that was a really bad idea. But she's not, you are, and you can only control your own actions, not hers. So in terms of giving YOU advice, about what YOU can do, if your overriding goal is to stay with her, the advice is (almost all already given, but to summarize):

1.) Get some perspective. What exactly has actually already happened that's so horrible? She hasn't left you. She probably hasn't had an affair. All you know is that she is re-thinking things. That is not, in and of itself, the end of the world.

2.) Don't pressure her.

3.) Don't attempt to control her.

4.) Be supportive and loving and respectful.

5.) Get yourself in gear. Eat, exercise, get out of your own head a bit.

This is all in terms of salvaging your marriage. I don't know if all of this is actually best for you. I'm increasingly thinking that the marriage is based on a fundamental inequity that was going to come out sometime no matter what, and you might both be better served by being out of the marriage, especially since there are no children, as hard as the break will be. Dunno.

Oh, God. This is like watching a train wreck. I know I shouldn't, but here I am back again.

Listen, vstrong: We can't get inside your head, and we certainly can't get inside your wife's head, to determine the cause of your respective actions. I suspect, but don't know, that as sozobe has said, she is testing her new-found strength. Unfortunately, she is doing so in a childish way perhaps because she never had a chance as a child. But that is pure guess work.

You, on the other hand, are overdramatic and whining, and could start working on yourself to correct it. You don't listen well, judging by your non-response to some excellent advice here. And you're self-destructive with your no food or sleep. You want her to fall in love with you again? And you want a blueprint for that? Well, who did she fall in love with the first time? Was it a man who claws the walls at the first sign of trouble, who physically weakens himself, who swings between overblown anguish and anger? Maybe it was, I don't know. But if it wasn't, think back and use those halcyon days as a guide.

Giving her space is not the doing the silent treatment. It's going about your normal day, without pressuring her by words or actions for some reaction from her -- but keeping one eye out for little things that might remind her of how good things can be between you two.

When was the last time you went on a "date" with her? Plan one. When was the last time you surprised her with some little gift -- either something physical like a rose, or something thoughtful like fixing something around the house that she's wanted fixed. Again, I don't know the particulars -- you have to work out the details. Try it. You sound like you need something to do. Instead of crying -- do something constructive.

If you are alienating people on this forum (and a quick read will show you how the general tone has gone from sympathy to irritation), you're probably doing the same with your wife. Get out and do something. Go to the gym, go to the library, go help out at a food bank. Do something constructive.

(Crap. I'm almost ready to agree with kickycan.)

And "like the slowest death you can imagine"? Really? I don't doubt that you are in pain, but I've watched too many loved ones die of cancer to give that point to you.

Vstrong, I am here in total support of you....I do understand what you're going through. I don't think you're whining...you are just releasing all the hurtful feelings you are having right now. And I reckon it's better for you to let the hurt out otherwise it will drive you insane! And if this forum is the way to vent your feelings, then so be it. Especially with you and your wife, your situation is very recent. You should have seen me in the first week when my husband and I started talking about our problems...my heart felt so heavy, I was crying everyday and I couldn't sleep. It was like going through the first stages of grieving. Now, a few more weeks down the line, I don't cry as much but my heart still hurts. I say my emotions are flat....I don't really laugh or smile as much as I used to. The bags under my eyes are not getting better either.

What you and your wife do needs a tricky balance. If you don't talk to her and ignore each other, the more you drift apart. If you on the other hand smother her with lots of attention or confront her endlessly, that's not going to work either. It's finding the balance of letting her know and showing her that you love her but giving her the space she needs. Risk is, if you hardly interact these days, she may get used to life not having you around. When my husband left home, I did things on my own or with other people. At times I was able to convince myself that singlehood and doing things alone would make me happy. Then my husband would come and visit me, we would have coffee together, and he would be there to check up on me to make sure I was okay. He always lets me know that he is there for me regardless. And by him doing that it helps me appreciate him even more. I hope that you and your wife find that balance, on how much interaction you would have with each other.

What I see my husband doing right now is making the most of his time on his own. He uses it to think things through - how he feels, what he wants, what needs to change....He's been going to the gym regularly as well. We both neglected our bodies when we were together, now we're trying to look after ourselves - exercise, catching up with long lost friends, pampering, shopping, re-vamp your wardrobe. It's almost the New Year...time to make some positive changes right? Vstrong you have to look after yourself okay. Like what these people had said, you have to eat, sleep and take care of yourself. This is your time. One thing I was thinking of doing too is getting a tattoo!! For me that is liberating...something I would definitely get to do early '07.

As I said earlier, I do not think you are whining. And I'm not sympathetic either....I am empathetic for you (there is a difference between the two). Sympathy is like pity which I don't think is the right term to use. And I don't want to assign you the 'victim' role in this whole thing either because this whole situation was contributed by both you and your wife.

I look forward to hearing from you. Things will get sorted soon, they will. It's just so fresh at the moment that's why it hurts so much and it is so distressing. Things will get sorted out....it would need time and patience.

PS I just realized how long my entries are!

I have listened to the advice here...hole heartedly, otherwise I would not have posted.

I'm trying to do all these things, but you must realize it is difficult and I feel like I am in a crisis situation. I did all the advice given to me for the past week, and she ended up over at the other guys house. So how exactly has that worked? You can blame me there.

I am normally a strong person, who has been through hell in my life, and understand pain and agony.

I feel like its now or never here in my situation. I have been loving, respectful, given her space (we haven't talked about "it" in awhile until last night), etc. I HAVE taken the advice here.

I will continue to read your advice, all of yours, as I feel like I need all the help and support I can get right now. I'm just hurting so bad and not thinking clearly so i would appreciate just a little leanancy.

Thanks,
VS

This line made me wide-eyed while reading. A whole week! Wow...

(I got to stop reading this thread!)


Last bit of advice: Go back reread the entire thread. Listen to yourself.
Then go read a thread of the best and worse of 2006.
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=87533&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0



(I feel as if I'm beating a dead horse.)

She said "her heart is not in it" and is not willing to give it another chance now. She said the counslor was "full of sh!t". So I should just continue to lay back and act as if nothing is wrong and shower her with love and affection? Ahile she has continued social contact with this man, even though I asked her not to?
That sure is a whol ehell of a lot easier said than done. Easy to sit on the opther side of the keyboard when your life is not at stake.

Then when/if (99% sure) she leaves me, I will never be able to live with myself knowing I didnt try and save the marriage. That i just continued along, loving her, giving her support, and be loving about everyting. ok, got it.

Also as a side note: This is not totally about "another man". Its abouther realization of the fact that she can be independent and live without me, which was no doubt brought out by her great "friends" at work.

I love this woman with every once of my soul. I have read and re-read this thread tot he point that i can almost recite it word for word. What I am saying is that I am seeing NO progress at all, if anything, regression. I understand its only been 10 days, but I am in crisis mode here.

I appreciate those of you sympathetic to me. As I said before, I am not myself and completely blinded by lack of sleep/food/ and my wife saying she is ready to leave me.

Women can sense weakness and desperation, they don't dig it wiener-boy!

Showing you love and need her under these circumstances makes things way worse not way better.

What this gal wants to see to see a strong, confidant, independent, sexy, manly-man not this wiener-boy ****!