ADVICE NEEDED-I'm about to lose my wife

I dont think it will get messy. She has expressed no interest in the house or my assets.

I'm not sure if it is entirely over, but it seems as if it is. The more I try to talk to her, the more it drives her away. So I guess I'm going to shut up and just let things be.

I appreciate all the help and advice on here, I really do.

I understand I need to work on myself and get my emotional feelings back on track. My overture to ask if anyone knew someone who wanted to be with me was a sad attempt at a joke.

Who knows, maybe my wife will wake up and realize how good she had it. She is taking 2 cats a dog and a $40k/year salary out the door with her. In Chicago, that doesn't get you very far. I truly believe she is brainwashed right now and just don't know what to do. With me and her mom constantly telling what she needs to do, it is just making it worse. We both need to back off, but its so hard knowing what is a stake. We really have built a great life together, its so sad/hard to see it thrown away.

I would think at the very least she would give me 6 months to get my act together and show her what kind of man I can be. But the chances of that happening are slim to none.

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vstrong- You keep talking about this "great life" that you had together. I have a strange feeling that you were not on the same wavelength with your wife. People don't leave a great life.

There is obviously something that she is getting from this other guy, that she didn't have with you. I am not saying that as a value judgement. I don't know your wife, and all I know of you is what you have written. Whatever that is, she needs to do her own emotional work. How this will fall out is anybody's guess. I would not be surprised that once you gain the emotional perspective, you may not even want her back.

Move on with your life, and don't look back. If the two of you were meant to be, it may just happen. But don't push it.

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Hi Vstrong,

I've been trying to read up and get caught up on your thread. Sorry if anything I say is repetative.... I was in your exact situation 3 years ago. My husband and best friend of 14 years was starting to behave differently towards me. No longer going out of his way to do little things to make me smile, started treating people on the phone much nicer than he would treat me, after years of bringing me a Sat. morning coffee from Starbucks,couldn't remember what kind I liked....so thinking that he was under alot of stress from work I planned a night out for us. Hired a sitter,made dinner reservations and booked a hotel room. Throughout dinner he excused himself from the table about 3 times, couldn't stop perspiring and walked 3 steps ahead of me back to the car. Like the night couldn't be over any sooner. At the hotel he told me that he didn't know what was wrong with him but felt like divorce was the only answer. I'm sure you can imagine my shock...DIVORCE???? I didn't even know that he was unhappy with our marriage.
When we first married he was unemployed and I made the down payment on our first home. We left St. Louis and moved to Seattle with 2 babies and $25.00 in our account.To make a long story short a few years before he hit me with this ton of bricks he got a huge pay raise and promotion within a national advertising company. We were looking at buying a $750,000 home with a view of the Puget Sound. He gave me the opportunity to quit my job and allow him to be the bread winner. I chose to work per diem as I didn't want to lose my professional skills. That was a Godsend.
Being suspicious I looked for his cell phone bill...funny,it no longer came to the house but started getting mailed to his work. Well, I got it online and wouldn't you know it....the same phone number kept coming up. So I called it and got a females voice message.
We were separated for 2 full years before divorcing. This just dragged a very painful situation out longer than necessary. It took me a long time to realize that there was nothing I could do to change him and to get him back. This was all his doing and out of my control. What angers me though is that he tells people that we grew apart. I correct them and say that he grew apart from me and that I was still in the marriage.
I'm wondering, can you stop beating yourself up and realize that as much as you try to make this work that it takes both people in the marriage to do that. You can't do it alone. I know how much this hurts. I KNOW! I lost 30 lbs in 3 months and took anti-anxiety meds just to sleep. I was so scared at the uncertainty of my future. I did not handle our separation with much grace. I allowed myself to fall apart and he saw that. Even if I still wanted him in the future there is no way he'd want me back after seeing how far I spiraled down.
Keep your focus on the positive things in life and allow this to take its course. No one knows where exactly this is going. You'll be a stronger person when this all settles down. Believe me. I KNOW!

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vstrong wrote:

I just think that 8 years and marriage allows me another chance to prove myself to her. If not, its on her.
Control has NOTHING to do with it. I never want to control her. At all. I let her do whatever she wants, whenever she wants (within reason).

Really, its over. She said her heart is not in it and that she is "done". it hurts, but what can i do? you cant make someone love you. I'm trying to do all the things she wants and it is obviously not working, she made up her mind....done deal.

Moving in is going to be very difficult.......couseling will be needed. I don't think i will have a problem meeting another woman, but I really just want my wife (im drunk)........trying to deal.

Well, there you go - an example of control - You "let her do whatever she wants, whenever she wants (within reason)."

What happens if what she wants to do is NOTwithin reason?

Who are you to "let" her do anything?

Sounds to me likes there are lots of other problems here than what you itemized, and no surprise there, there always are.

Good luck, whatever you guys do, whether you're letting her or not and whether it's reasonable or not!

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Well, well, well...fifteen pages later, and it's looking more and more like you'll soon be heading to the nudie bar, just like I told you you should. The good news is that the nudie bar never disappoints. You will receive knowledge and wisdom. Bring lots of singles, buddy.

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Mame- dont get so hung up on words....

by "let" i mean i have no problem with her going out and coming and going as she pleases. I'm not sure why you are always looking at the negatives here.

I am a good man, whose wife is cheating on him. If I were so bad, angry, controlling, etc. would her parents, who know everthing about me after 8 years, be on my side 100%? They would be like "get rid of this f'er".

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vstrong wrote:

I dont think it will get messy. She has expressed no interest in the house or my assets.

She obviously hasn't contacted an attorney yet. Once she does, the attorney's job is to make sure she gets everything she's entitled to. Good luck on keeping things civil once the lawyers get involved.

You were able to find a counselor on very short notice. You need to be equally fast in finding a lawyer.

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vstrong wrote:

I am a good man, whose wife is cheating on him. If I were so bad, angry, controlling, etc. would her parents, who know everthing about me after 8 years, be on my side 100%? They would be like "get rid of this f'er".

To be honest, I don't think she was cheating on you until you accused her of it. Your definition of cheating has been a sticking point throughout this discussion. You said she became quite angry when you told her that the contact she was having was cheating, in your estimation. It seemed to go downhill very quickly after that. It also seemed a very controlling statement and your request that she drop all contact with him also comes across as controlling.

If she has started cheating, and I agree that spending three hours in his apt is getting closer, then I honestly think it's because of the lines you crossed in your recent discussions.

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kicky...ill be at the nudies soon enough...let me save my dollar bills (joke).

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JPB wrote:

vstrong wrote:
I am a good man, whose wife is cheating on him. If I were so bad, angry, controlling, etc. would her parents, who know everthing about me after 8 years, be on my side 100%? They would be like "get rid of this f'er".

To be honest, I don't think she was cheating on you until you accused her of it. Your definition of cheating has been a sticking point throughout this discussion. You said she became quite angry when you told her that the contact she was having was cheating, in your estimation. It seemed to go downhill very quickly after that. It also seemed a very controlling statement and your request that she drop all contact with him also comes across as controlling.

If she has started cheating, and I agree that spending three hours in his apt is getting closer, then I honestly think it's because of the lines you crossed in your recent discussions.

I agree with everything you said, JPB up to the last sentence... If she started cheating, it's totally on her, not him. It's a choice she made, for whatever reasons, and is not his fault. I do think, however, that he is very controlling.

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I think that her parents are on vstrong's side, because they know that their little girl has a good deal with him. As parents, we hate to see our kids make stupid choices.

vstrong's wife is liable to end up with the 40k job, (which won't allow her to live very well in Chicago) no boyfriend, and running back to mommy and daddy. As more mature people, her folks understand the ramifications of these kinds of decisions.

Personally, I think that her folks should make it very clear to her from the getgo that she can't come running to them, when her little fling has ended. That might give her some time to think about what she is doing.

vstrong- One thing that you have never mentioned, (or that I have not seen). What is the marital status of the guy with whom she is having her fling? Is your wife the love of his life, or merely one in a string of conquests?

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JPB wrote:

vstrong wrote:
I am a good man, whose wife is cheating on him. If I were so bad, angry, controlling, etc. would her parents, who know everthing about me after 8 years, be on my side 100%? They would be like "get rid of this f'er".

To be honest, I don't think she was cheating on you until you accused her of it. Your definition of cheating has been a sticking point throughout this discussion. You said she became quite angry when you told her that the contact she was having was cheating, in your estimation. It seemed to go downhill very quickly after that. It also seemed a very controlling statement and your request that she drop all contact with him also comes across as controlling.

If she has started cheating, and I agree that spending three hours in his apt is getting closer, then I honestly think it's because of the lines you crossed in your recent discussions.

The key word I used here is "emotionally cheating". I have never accused her of cheating. I would rather have her have sex with a random dude than have emotional feelings for someone.

Also, I have been called alot of things in my life, but controlling has never been one of them. My wife thinks I am the complete opposite. She has told me point blank that I am not a controlling person in the past and has pointed out people who are and has said "I am so glad you a re not like him."

I know whatever happens, I will end up on my feet and find another woman who will most likely make me happier and believe it is God's will that this has happened.

How many of the people in this thread have had the person you love, emotionally cheat in you, tell you they are not in love with you anymore and generally show you no emotions and feelings in a matter of 3 weeks? Cause 3 weeks ago I was making love with my wife, she was begging me not to leave for work (I very occasionally travel and went through the work of throwing me a HUGE surprise party for my 30th. Now I cant kiss her or anything. Thats all I want to do. Is show her how much I can love her, But I get it, too little too late, I guess, It just seems so odd, but I know it is the situation i now have and just trying to get it together.

Any support would be appreciate rather than name calling, etc. Especially when you know nothing about me or the hell i have been through in my life. It almost seems as if god is testing me to see how much I can go through before I break.

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You do need to talk with a divorce attorney as soon as possible; whether or not you go through with divorce, you need to know how a lot of information soon.

On the counselling, I think counselling by yourself, if not together with your wife, would be beneficial.

On Mame's mention of the word 'let', I reacted to that as well. I know you didn't mean it as entirely patriarchical as we might take it, but it is an indicator of your understanding of your marital roles. People differ on what these roles are depending on their cultural and religious backgrounds. The "let" would have a woman like myself leaving the relationship. Well, I wouldn't be in it in the first place. But we are not all the same.

I'll venture to say that all the protestations of complete love seem emotional words to me that seem more to relate to possession and loss than they do of complex understanding of your mate. I'm not speaking from on high here, have, as many of us have, been through this kind of grief myself over a lot more years than yours.

Not only do you need to deal with the here and now with your marriage, and whether or not it dissolves or changes, you need to deal with yourself and the pros and cons of different types of behavior and attitudes, relative to your future relationships.

As others have said, take care of yourself. I won't say never have a drink, but don't escape with that. I can recommend running, jogging, swimming, walking a lot - possibly best - combined with counsel.

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Mame wrote:

I agree with everything you said, JPB up to the last sentence... If she started cheating, it's totally on her, not him. It's a choice she made, for whatever reasons, and is not his fault. I do think, however, that he is very controlling.

Good point, mame, I agree.

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vstrong- You are not going to break. I believe that you are going to come out all the stronger for this experience.

And god had nothing to do with this. You have a wife who is going through some strong emotional changes. Nobody knows how this may fall out, but you need to be prepared for any eventuality.

If I have learned nothing else in this life during my many years on earth, I have learned a few things. You don't die of a broken heart. You may feel that you are going to, but if you are the least bit "together" yourself, you will be able to deal with this situation.

Another thing. Sometimes a relationship gone bad can be the catalyst for great emotional growth in a person.

Right now you are hurting badly, and it is understandable. But hang in there, dude. It is going to be ok, no matter how this situation ends up.

A lot of us will be around this evening. I know that New Year's eve can be a stressful time for someone going through emotional turmoil. But we are as close as your keyboard, and we will be here for you!

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Quote:

How many of the people in this thread have had the person you love, emotionally cheat in you, tell you they are not in love with you anymore and generally show you no emotions and feelings in a matter of 3 weeks?

I would be one of those. I just poured all my emotions out in my previous post just to let you know that you are not alone.

Hang in there!

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vstrong wrote:

How many of the people in this thread have had the person you love, emotionally cheat in you, tell you they are not in love with you anymore and generally show you no emotions and feelings in a matter of 3 weeks?
Quote:

yep, I've been there, too.
You're not alone.

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vstrong wrote:

The key word I used here is "emotionally cheating". I have never accused her of cheating. I would rather have her have sex with a random dude than have emotional feelings for someone.

Also, I have been called alot of things in my life, but controlling has never been one of them. My wife thinks I am the complete opposite. She has told me point blank that I am not a controlling person in the past and has pointed out people who are and has said "I am so glad you a re not like him."

<snip>

Any support would be appreciate rather than name calling, etc. Especially when you know nothing about me or the hell i have been through in my life. It almost seems as if god is testing me to see how much I can go through before I break.

vstrong, we don't know you and can only go by the way you present yourself here. If you come across as controlling then that's the way you come across. It might or might not represent who you are IRL or how you act, but it's the way your words read.

And to answer the first question, yes - I've gone through what you're going through. It was almost nine years ago and we're much happier today than we ever were 'before'. We'll be celebrating our 18th anniversary in May which is why I said at the outset that it isn't over until it's over.

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I meant to add that this is a blow to your sense of yourself that needs to be thought about; going into a dive in self esteem isn't useful, and dismissing that your behavior through the relationship had nothing to do with it all also isn't so useful, whether that is true or not. Understanding oneself and learning how to communicate with a mate in a relationship is useful..
Really, none of us are perfect at that, it's an ongoing effort.

On whether any of the rest of us have suffered this kind of thing, you seem to have a self-indulgent vision of your situation as related to anyone else's experience.

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On controlling, you are requesting we not call you names. Who called you a name? We individually have comments on your comments, what we read as your attitudes. We need to all be nice?

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ADVICE NEEDED-I'm about to lose my wife

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