ADVICE NEEDED-I'm about to lose my wife

Soz, I didn't see your last post, was busy figuring out mine.

Vs--

I'm with Soz. The two of you loved each other enough go through a formal marriage ceremony and you should certainly investigate to see whether there is a way to save the hopes and dreams.

Go for counselling. Frankly, there is a lot you aren't saying. Having a stiff upper lip and a "rational" approach may be super-manly but I don't get an idea of either you or your wife as people. She's yours. You want her back. Okay, why?

I think I sense your hurt--but not your anger. In any case, you aren't going to be able to make a 180 degree turn and save your marriage by yourself. Set up counselling.

Good luck.

I am curious. How long have you two been living together? It sounds like it has been for quite awhile. From what I gather, you have been the one supporting the two of you, while she was engaged in a series of dead end occupations, and probably not feeling very good about herself.

She finally found, as you say "the job of her dreams." At about the same time, you have been very involved in your job, your medical problems, etc. and have been more or less not giving her the emotional support that she needs.

What apparently has happened, is that the dynamic in your marriage has changed. Earlier in your relationship, she needed you for material as well as emotional support. She now is coming into her own financially, which is raising her self esteem at the same time.

Any time that there is a change in a person's life, for good or for ill, there are stressors. Now that she is happy in her job, you need to support her emotionally through this time, and grow together, or you will end up with nothing in common.

Gus, go back to the swamp. I understand what you are saying, but I think that you are jumping the gun. This couple is going through a rough patch. You don't throw away eight years, like it was nothing.

vstrong- See the counselor, and do your damnedest to court your wife again. She needs to feel valued, and obviously the guy at work is doing a better job of doing that than you are. Understand that she too is going through an emotionally trying time.

Good luck. I believe that this marriage can be saved, no matter what Gus says.

If you've been together for 8 years, six months dealing with your own stuff is not a long time. I think Gus may be right that she's moved on in her head and has convinced herself that's what's in her heart, too.

I don't think you stop loving someone and turn to someone else because your partner hasn't been paying attention to you for 6 months.

Again, you've been together 8 years and you've supported her all this time. Now, for six months you've been neglecting her to deal with your own issues (and deservedly so)... in that short amount of time she's become uncertain she loves you? I'm sorry, but that's just not reasonable. A love doesn't go out the window that quickly over a little inattention. Why wasn't she focussing on your problems? Why wasn't she helping you? (Maybe she was, but you haven't indicated).

In most relationships things are dynamic. Sometimes she gets the attention, sometimes you do. But for her fall to out of love with you over it is a little flakey to me. Sounds like she got attracted to this other guy and used this as an excuse.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Thanks for the positive answer Phoenix. If people have negative feedback, such as "its over" please keep it to yourself. I understand this is a forum and I opened up, but I am looking for advice to save my marriage, not throw it away.

We have been living together for 5 years. I love this woman and feel I drove her to this situation somewhat..maybe not 100%...it is not entirely my fault, she should of never let herself get in the situation she did, but when you don't get the love at home, and she is going through this important, self-fulfilling, new experience, your emotions are all over the place. So some guy comes along and tells her she looks nice and pays attention to her, etc, its human nature to have some sort of feeling, especially when your husband is not living up to his end of the deal.

I am not excusing her actions, but trying to be rational. We have had so many good times and great experiences over the last 8 years, that I refuse to just give up, its not in my nature. I want to at least give it a try. If after giving counseling a try and her allowing me to show her the man she fell in love with and married 14 months ago doesnt work, then ill move on.


I would think that most reasonable people would find this admirable considering 1. i am admitting i errored in my ways the past 6 months and 2. i am willing to forgive the situation she has put herself in.

again...im looking for advice and next steps......thanks again for all of your responses, this is the most trying timr of my life and am doing my best to keep it together.

With out reading the other responces, I have to say that I get the feeling your wife is pretty much coming to the end of the relationship.

People just dont " give" someone attention when they are truly involved and happy with thier own marriage.

To come to the point that you would think it would be ok to entertain and possibly flirt with the idea of cheating, means you are done with a marriage in my opinion.

It might be able to be fixed, but , after only 8 years.. Im thinking no

vstrong, it's not over until it's over. You've suggested counseling, she's half-heartedly agreed to join you. Make that step and go alone if you have to. There's a lot that has gone on over the last 8 years that have brought the two of you to where you are now. This didn't just happen over the past 6 months. Let someone who knows the drill help you dig through the past and give you ways to look to the future together.

I agree with the suggestion to avoid having a child at this point. Couples sometimes think a child will create a missing bond, but IMO having a baby while trying to sort through your relationship will drive you further apart.

I do think you need to slow down with trying to be overly attentive. There are all kinds of balances in a relationship and you've gone from being inattentive to overly attentive in a heartbeat. The overly attentive response is natural, but it isn't going to make everything alright. Everything isn't alright, and the two of you should work together to rediscover those things that you love about each other.

She says she isn't in love with you. That's understandable, I probably wouldn't be in love with you at the moment either. When a relationship becomes platonic then you can work together to find a new spark. Relationships change over time. The thrill of discovery is gone, boredom has taken its place. That doesn't mean the relationship is over, it's simply a wake-up call to pay attention (without suffocation) and to find a new way to enjoy being together. The two of you can get there on your own, but a counselor can get you there faster.

Some relationships can't be saved. It took two of you to get to where you are now, and it will take both of you to move forward to a positive outcome. You can't go back. Nothing will undo what she did over the years or what you've done over the past few months. They all become part of the base of experiences that allow you to work together to find a new happiness.

Keep talking to her. Let her know you want things to be better for both of you, but don't suffocate her in the process.

What actions? What has she done that might need to be excused? I'm not seeing admirable, but I grant you that you're being open-minded to the idea that this is a result of two people not just one. I also don't see what she's done that needs to be forgiven.

What actions- Well, she has said that she may or may not have feelings for someone at her place of employment.

She says she is not sure what she is feeling. She can't explain it.

It's not like I am abusive, or out all night drinking, have been unfaithful. I just didn;t give her enough love and I'm not downplaying that, saying that isn't a reason to fall out of love...cause it certainly is.

I have counseling scheduled for 1PM sat and we'll see what happens from there......wish me luck.....

Marriages are give and take. There are times when the wife has to be the backbone and take a back seat to other things in life, just as sometimes the husband has to.

For your wife to not understand this and to tell you that in 6 months she's fallen out of love with you sounds a little fishy to me. I tend to lean towards this has been a long time coming and her new found independence has given her the confidence to move forward with feelings she may have had for a while now.

I personally don't think that being placed second is "right" but it is sometimes necessary. I've been there. And not for one second did I think of leaving my husband for someone else. And it was much longer than 6 months. It was more like 18 months.

The point you have to understand is that maybe this isn't a problem that started with YOU. It might be something that started farther back than 6 months ago when you began focusing your attention on something else. And if that is the case, it's only fair that she tell you that instead of playing the game of "It's your fault this marriage is over" or play the blame game in counseling.

What I am getting at is I don't think that you caused this entirely. It may have contributed, but I doubt it was the cause.

I hope the counseling works for you.

Best of Luck!!!

I don't see any actions. From your first post:







You asked her a question she told you the truth. Would you rather she'd lied? It's not like she's been playing like life is a bed of roses while stringing someone else along on the side. She's unhappy, doesn't feel loved, doesn't know what's happening and responded honestly to your questions. What's to forgive?

Good luck, vstrong. I am in agreement with what sozobe, Phoenix, and a few others have said. Go to the counseling session with a positive attitude and an open mind. Also, know that you should not expect a miracle, and if the relationship can be salvaged, it will take a long time of patient focus on both of your parts. And talk is cheap ... you will need to do more than say what she wants to hear, you will have to demonstrate a change by acting the way you need to act. When you married her, did you treat her as a Princess? I'm sure that changed during the last year, and she has noticed.

You have said this is your "cry for help." It could very well be that her IM'ing that other man is her cry for help to you.

You have been given a wake-up call ... I hope you got it in time to mend your marriage. Good luck.

vStrong -I agree. I don't think that it really matters whether the change is in the last few months, or a long time coming.

Actually, it really would not make sense if the relationship were deteriorating, if she married you fourteen months ago, after living with you for five years. Personally, as I have said, I think that it is the stress of the changes, in her career, with your problems, and in your work responsibilities.

If it were me, I would talk with her, and find out what she wants. Find out what you BOTH can do to recapture what you had. Take a positive attitude, and as someone has mentioned, don't stifle her. She may need a little space to sort things out. Also, as someone has mentioned, now is definitely NOT the time to start a family.

BTW, I went thru a "rough patch" myself when I went from being a housewife and mother, to going back to school and a professional career. So I think that I understand what she is going through. Been there, done that!

I've been with my husband 19 years and I can't count how many times each of us has taken a back seat to something else without the other person discovering feelings for another person or becoming confused about what we feel for each other or suddenly being unable to control our feelings.

I know you're looking to save your marriage. I can't help you with that because I don't think a person who is willing to give up a 5 or 6 year otherwise stable relationship after 6 months of inattention is really that committed in the first place or at least she is not telling you the whole truth.

I guess a counsellor would be the best thing for you two right now. See if you can get to the truth of the matter.

One of the things that we haven't really explored is what vStrong meant by "weird". We seemed to have glossed over this. It is possible that vStrong's wife was not only dealing with her own changes, but having to relate to a person who was acting "weird", whatever that means. vStrong may have a lot more culpability in this situation than he is ready to acknowledge.

I can certainly relate to what Mame has said. I cannot count the times, when emerging from the coccoon of wife and mother, to "woman of the world", that I found myself in a position where I had strong feelings for other people, and questioned as to whether my marriage was where I wanted to be.

I can remember a time when I announced to my son, who was from my first marriage, who was in college at the time, that I had "had it" and was finally leaving. Well, I never left, and in retrospect, I am glad that a divorce never came to pass.

Marriage is a process, and sometimes the road is not nearly as smooth as we would want. If I had "jumped the gun" and left, I might have destroyed what has been a pretty wonderful relationship over the years.

I don't know if vStrong's marriage is going to be saved or not. It is up to the people involved. What I do know from years of experience, and knowledge of the problems of other people, that if a marriage is worth saving, and at least one of the parties hold onto it with tenacity, it often works out very well.

Speak your piece old man.

Hi everyone,
By me saying I was acting "weird", I mean I was not acting like myself. I don't know how many of you have been on painkillers for longer than 2 months, but it changes you. I'm not making excuses, I'm saying truths.

I am more than committed to making this work, we are going to counseling Sat at 1pm.

Last night was rough. I tried to talk to her, but like Phoenix said, I cant stifle her. I asked her first if she would like to talk, and she said yes, but she just ended up getting aggravated and is tired of everyone telling her that she needs to do "the right thing" (her mom, her dad, me). I told her she needs to figure things out and that I am willing to give her as much space as she needs, but I told her I felt what she was doing (being emotionally involved with someone else) is cheating. Needless to say, she didn't take that well. But i emphasized to her, thats just how I feel, I'm not trying to make you feel bad or anything else, its just how I feel.

A little more background: She has grown up with very low self esteem, according to her mom. I probably have not helped that the last 6 months. Or maybe longer, who knows. Whatever the case, no matter how long this has been happening, she has fallen out of love with me. She is 26 and young and now has a job to where she can be independent, so i think she is thinking "I don't need him anymore, I don't need this crap anymore. I have guys all around me, showing me attention..etc, etc.". I guess this someone at her work is showing her the attention she is craving and been missing at home. There is no excuse for this, but it happened. I'm willing to forgive, because I know who she is and how perfect we are when things are right. I mean, this whole new job, feeling important thing has just thrown her into a whirlwind of emotions. It has to be a freeing, exciting, independent feeling to finally be feel important and bring home a solid paycheck.

I know some of you say "how strong can this marriage really be, etc, etc.". We have a TON in common, we have been to hell and back with each other and at one time, would kill for each other for one another. (i still would). The past 7.5 years have had there ups and downs, but we are perfect together. So many people have commented that they have never seen a couple so happy a million times. Obviously, none of that matters now, but the love that was once there, can be rekindled, i know it can. She has hugged me and told me she loved me every morning this week, but it is probably more out of sympathy and an act than anything else. Its just too odd that 2 weeks ago we were cutting down our xmas tree together, 4 weeks ago talking about having a kid and 8 weeks ago she was throwing me a surprise 30th b-day party....that took a TON of work to setup and hide from me (no one has ever surprised me before).

I've never been through this much pain in my life, so if anything else, I will be stronger for this. If you believe in God, your prayers are welcome.

Get over yourself, dude. She's hugging you and telling you she loves you every morning but that isn't enough for you? You're mad because she didn't try to hide it when you asked what she was doing while she was IMing with a man from the office. You're mad because you kept ragging on her with accusations and questions until she said what you wanted to believe rather than accepting what she actually said. By that time, I'd be having doubts about you too.

You had broken ribs, dude. Of course the demonstration of physical affection is going to be different. You're better now and she's hugging you again. Yet you're pushing her away and toward this other person with your need for control.

Guess what? Eight weeks ago, she was probably IMing with a lot of people you didn't know about. That's what you do when you plan surprise parties, you act stealthily and try to keep a lot of conversations secret. That was probably why you were noticing she was acting differently.

Exactly what is it you want her to do? Sounds to me like you won't be happy until she quits that nice ego-boosting job and is back to being dependent upon you so you can control her.

Wait a minute, she's 26 years old and you've been together for 8 years?
So she was 18 years old and you probably her first love, right?
How old are you, if I may ask?

The surprise birthday party was 2 months ago, Butrflynet. The problems he's identified are in the last month, and the incident where she was IM'ing the guy was this past Monday. He asked her if she had feelings for the guy she was IM'ing and she replied, "I don't know." Did you actually read any of his previous posts? Or were you too busy rushing to the conclusion that vstrong is the only one the blame here?

You may be trying to help, but I think he'd be better of if you'd take your condescension and keep it to yourself.