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Thu 21 Dec, 2006 11:19 am
Hi
I am 30 years old and have been married for 14 months. I have been together with my wife for 8 years. We have a nice house, a dog, two cats, but no kids.
I have a great career which has provided a comfortable lifestyle for both of us for the last 4 years, while she jumped from job to job...all low paying and didn't make her feel important.
3 months ago, she got a great job at a company that makes her feel important and pays her well. I sang her praises for finally finding the job of her dreams.
Over the last 6 months, I have had many additional pressures thrown at em from all angles. Working 60 hours/week, a new dog (which I didn't want, but she really wanted, so I gave in), broke 3 ribs and was on pain medication for 4 months (which made me act weird and reduced my sex drive), etc. etc.
So, i put what mattered most in my life, my wife, on the back burner to try and take care of everything else in my life, taking her for granted and not loving her in the way she deserved to be loved. She dropped subtle hints that I was not showing her this love, but I mistakenly brushed them off and continued to focus on all the issues in my life going on.
Over the last 4 weeks and the last week, I have noticed a significant change in her actions towards me. I confronted her about them last Wed, and she just said she wasn't happy and that she didn't feel loved. I asked her if anything else was going on and she said "are you accusing me of cheating? How dare you?" I said" no, i just want to know whats going on, i know you, and something is not right"
Long story short, this Monday I see her Instant Messaging someone at 9:30pm at night. I ask her who it was and she said "a friend from work". I said" Is it a male friend" Her answer was yes. Well after telling her how wrong I felt this was, I was starting to put things together and flat out asked her if she had feelings for this person, to which I got the response "I don't know". So she works with this person constantly and has developed something for him, because, in part, of my ways the last 6 months.
So after talking to her more that night, which basically me balling my eyes out, she said "I don't know whats happening, I cant control my feelings". I'm taking that as she is starting to have definite feelings for this other man
I love me wife unconditionally and am willing to do anything to get her back. She has stated that she loves me, but is not "in love with me". I asked her if she would give me a chance and we go to counseling and she agreed, although it was almost like to just get me to shut up (this was Tue).
So here I am, a complete wreck, hurt beyond belief, and have no idea what to do. I am telling her I love constantly, and she says it back, but I know that its not the "in love" type.
Any advice on next steps or similar stories would be appreciated. I'm just absolutely ruined right now. I haven't eating or slept since Monday really. I have contacted counselors and am trying to get that setup, but would that even help if she has feeling for another man?
I have made it very clear I will do anything and everything to make it work. I know I can be the man she married just 14 months ago. Hell 5 weeks ago we were talking about having kids. It really all went down hill about 2 weeks ago, when I started to notice this difference in her. She has told me she has NOT cheated on me and would never do that to me, but I consider emotional involvement with someone other that your spouse cheating. She has not left the house, as she would have no where to go. we still sleep in the same bed, and she hugs me and tells me she loves me before she leaves for work, but the feeling is not there.
Sorry to ramble, but if anyone out there can offer me some advice, I would really appreciate it, this is my cry for help. I love my wife immensely.
VS
It's too late. You had better just move along.
Sorry, but that is the way it is.
GUS!
Hi VS, welcome to A2K. Don't mind the guy with the pitchfork.
It varies for every person of course but to me the distinction between emotional involvement of some sort and actually cheating is a very large distinction. People have attractions, that's not the end of the world. It sounds like your wife could have handled that aspect much better -- especially, it sounds to me like she was going for shock value so that she would get more attention and get a higher priority in your life than she had been getting -- but it doesn't sound like it's necessarily that bad.
Calm down, take a deep breath, make those counseling appointments, and go from there.
Good luck.
oy, gotta run but I want you to know that I've read your thread and will be back later.
sozobe wrote:GUS!
Hi VS, welcome to A2K. Don't mind the guy with the pitchfork.
It varies for every person of course but to me the distinction between emotional involvement of some sort and actually cheating is a very large distinction. People have attractions, that's not the end of the world. It sounds like your wife could have handled that aspect much better -- especially, it sounds to me like she was going for shock value so that she would get more attention and get a higher priority in your life than she had been getting -- but it doesn't sound like it's necessarily that bad.
Calm down, take a deep breath, make those counseling appointments, and go from there.
Good luck.
Thanks. I think I just pushed her away and someone was there to tell her what she had not been receiveing at home. I noticed the distinct change in the last 3-4 weeks mainly.
3-4 weeks is not a long time. If you pushed her away, be there for her now. Nothing irrevocable has happened, the trick is to not totally freak out at this point but to proceed calmly and proactively.
I'm not trying to be a prick or anything, but I've been down this road before and I speak from experience.
Deal with it. Get over it. Move on.
I'm have told her I see the errors in my ways, but at this point, she won't let me in to fix them. I want to hold her, kiss her, everything, but she doesn't feel the same.
I'm working on counseling as she has agreed (half heartedly in my opinion) to work on through this. Both her parents, whom she is close with, are very upset with, and she will not call her Mom back, which worries me even more.
The saddest part here as I have put up with so much over the 8 years if our relationship and never once thought about another women, although I have had MANY chances.
I am willing to do whatever it takes to prove to her that I can make her happy and live a wonderful, fulfilling life together.
VS
Don't get hung up on the "halfheartedly" part of counseling. She's agreed, leave it at that for now. Then go to counseling and see what happens.
I'm not getting through to you.
To who, me or vstrong?
Gus, you can't possibly know enough about this particular relationship to know that it is or isn't over from what's been said here. I have seen plenty of relationships rebound from this, especially so early on in a marriage where people are still figuring things out, that married life requires work, etc. It's like "you have a paper cut? Better amputate. I once had a papercut that became gangrenous and then my whole forearm became infected and..." These things vary. At least take it to a doctor/ counselor and see what the professional has to say first.
vstrong, you say that you were with your wife for a long time before you guys got married, were you living together for that stretch?
Saying the words "I love you" won't have much effect if you didn't taken steps to correct this part of the problem you mentioned.
Quote:So, i put what mattered most in my life, my wife, on the back burner to try and take care of everything else in my life, taking her for granted and not loving her in the way she deserved to be loved. She dropped subtle hints that I was not showing her this love, but I mistakenly brushed them off and continued to focus on all the issues in my life going on.
She's got your attention now. Don't brush it off again. Sounds like she is lonely for the friendship she had with you. You might take a look at this thread from a guy looking for ideas to celebrate his 25th wedding anniversary. A lot of the things suggested there, can easily help you refocus and do more then mouth the words. Say I love you with some actions too.
http://able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=88702&highlight=
soz wrote:Gus, you can't possibly know enough about this particular relationship to know that it is or isn't over from what's been said here.
You underestimate me, soz. I KNOW these things. This one.... is over.
Why question me?
I'm trying to save this guy from a lot of pain. Why not let me speak?
I can't believe I'm going to agree with Gus on a matter of the heart, but I do.
This woman has already checked out of this marriage, and it didn't just happen in a few weeks. She's probably been restless for awhile and this new job just gave her the opportunity and confidence to act on it. Vstrong didn't do anything wrong, it just appears this marriage isn't strong enough to survive some rough spots. It's a sign that things were going downhill for sometime. All relationships have periods when one partner is not as attentive or considerate as they could be. Vstrong had good reasons for having to focus else where, a wife that was in love with her husband would understand that and forgive.
You can try counseling, but I think this woman has already made her decision.
Whatever you do - don't rush to have children. It will complicate the issue and the stress of having a baby always weakens a shaky relationship.
Thank you, Green Witch. You are wise beyond your years.
Note that I'm not saying it's impossible that the marriage is over -- I'm saying we don't have nearly enough information to make that determination.
I can easily see that starting a new, exciting job (for the first time) paired with a slow stretch in the marriage would be enough to get some stuff going with vstrong's wife, and not spell doom for the marriage, at all.
I can also see that it is just a symptom of an ongoing problem, yes, but I think it's impossible for us to know and irresponsible of us, based on such limited information, to tell him to give up. Let a counselor see them both and talk to them both and figure things out.
I tend to agree with Gus as explicated by Green Witch, but of course am not sure. I'm not for just giving up, but have big questions about whether there is a "there" there.
My first reactions were about the sixty hour week and the broken ribs, and some amazement at the wife's apparent full self-orientation. Well, there may be lots of things not brought out in the explanations.
My second reaction was about vstrong's readiness to totally blame himself. What is that about?
I'll agree with GreenWitch about the energy, the new direction, of a person who had felt unimportant at work then getting to be important there. Big change in dynamic. (I've been through that.)
I see this as a failure to communicate on both sides, with the wife pulling away and the husband being all emotionally 'I love you', increasingly like rain falling on stone... the stone gets stonier.
I think counselling is a good idea for both of you to get some pointers on communication. Maybe it will be in time for this marriage, very possibly not, but it could be really useful in dealing with what has been happening and useful for learning about yourselves as the future either unfolds for you along separate ways, or, possibly, for you together.
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