ADVICE NEEDED-I'm about to lose my wife

Soz's last post is the one to look to right now.

Take care of yourself. Number One priority. No one can think clearly without proper sleep, food, and some exercise.

Given that you have said you are in crisis mode and feeling emotionally wired, the best thing to do is to just go back to basics. No major decision making.

You wanted clear advice, that's mine for now: Off to bed and eat something. Stop thinking about this for a while.
Maybe indulge in a little relaxing, physical activity and/or spend some light times with good friend(s) or whoever you count on.
No boozin' or anything silly like while you aren't 100%.

Take care. And have patience.

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sozobe wrote:

This is all in terms of salvaging your marriage. I don't know if all of this is actually best for you. I'm increasingly thinking that the marriage is based on a fundamental inequity that was going to come out sometime no matter what, and you might both be better served by being out of the marriage, especially since there are no children, as hard as the break will be. Dunno.

I agree with this sentiment. It almost seems that vstrong is used to be in charge of every situation and now that his wife is taking some control of her own, he's flipping out.

vstrong, early on in this thread I mentioned that you went from being under attentive (or perhaps inattentive) to overly attentive in a heartbeat. This new you seems somehow false, driven by panic, to get back to where you're in control again. If we can sense it, then I'm fairly sure your wife can sense it as well. You've talked about showering your mate with attention and never taking anyone for granted again. That's all well and good, but showering someone with attention can also be done to an extreme.

From what you've said, I don't see that your relationship has ever had much balance. You were in charge, now she is. If you aren't able to step back and accept that you aren't, and shouldn't be, the sun and the moon to your wife then it's a matter of when, not if, the relationship will fail. If she isn't able to step back and see that she's acting in a way that will surely create a chasm too wide to heal then the marriage will fail. It takes two people striving for a balance of individual needs and the needs of the couple for a relationship to thrive.

All relationships have peaks and valleys. Your current valley is more like a trough with steep sides. Climbing out will take both of you wanting to work at it. Now is too soon for her to get over the anger she's carrying about what transpired over the past six months. Watching her react is killing you. Whether the two of you ever rediscover what it was that brought you together remains to be seen.

I don't think I've ever suggested a trial separation on this forum, but I think it might be a good idea in this case. You might do well to give each other some space to determine if both of you are happier with or without your partner.

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Chumly wrote:

Women can sense weakness and desperation, they don't dig it wiener-boy!

Showing you love and need her under these circumstances makes things way worse not way better.

What this gal wants to see to see a strong, confidant, independent, sexy, manly-man not this wiener-boy ****!

point taken...but dont you think now is not the time to play games?

Im not going around crying in front of her. I am going about my day.

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OK I was not trying to suggest you play games, only sometimes things work better if you appear strong even though you are not. Having your "heart on your sleeve" is not now the time or place.

Will Rogers said ".........I never met a man I didn't like"

Get the joke?

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Chumly wrote:

Women can sense weakness and desperation, they don't dig it wiener-boy!

Showing you love and need her under these circumstances makes things way worse not way better.

What this gal wants to see to see a strong, confidant, independent, sexy, manly-man not this wiener-boy ****!

In one way this is definitely true...but they're married. Sounds like she didn't even give their relationship a shot in the end. I don't know what else you can do...I think it's a slap in the face she's openly hanging out with another guy before it's "officially" over.

She's probably been feeling this way longer than you thought. If she's not open to living up to what the marriage is supposed to be, then what else can you do? Showering her with attention is not a good idea, but you still have to let her know what you want, which you did.

I'd get a PI to follow her and get evidence she's cheating on you. That way she can't f#ck you over in divorce court, on top of everything else. You said you've had plenty of other chances with women....well I guess this is the time to start taking some of them.

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Well, if what I am gathering from the scene is true, there is most likely a lot of resentment on both sides. And anger. And growing up to do. <<not meant to be offensive at all. simply reality as i would guess it would be.

The suggestion of the trial seperation makes sense, to me, given that it would be a route to exploring and venting powerful feelings that could be very damaging if turned upon the one who is suppose to be one's partner in life. Two firing squads coming at one another, not good.

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I just think that 8 years and marriage allows me another chance to prove myself to her. If not, its on her.
Control has NOTHING to do with it. I never want to control her. At all. I let her do whatever she wants, whenever she wants (within reason).

Really, its over. She said her heart is not in it and that she is "done". it hurts, but what can i do? you cant make someone love you. I'm trying to do all the things she wants and it is obviously not working, she made up her mind....done deal.

Moving in is going to be very difficult.......couseling will be needed. I don't think i will have a problem meeting another woman, but I really just want my wife (im drunk)........trying to deal.

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flushed wrote:

Well, if what I am gathering from the scene is true, there is most likely a lot of resentment on both sides. And anger. And growing up to do. <<not meant to be offensive at all. simply reality as i would guess it would be.

The suggestion of the trial separation makes sense, to me, given that it would be a route to exploring and venting powerful feelings that could be very damaging if turned upon the one who is suppose to be one's partner in life. Two firing squads coming at one another, not good.

The only thing I resent is her falling for another man, which I thinking man would resent.

I love her unconditionally.

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It sucks...even the most non-jealous personality would resent that.

Do you have any guy friends you can take your aggressions out at the strib club with?

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Slappy Doo Hoo wrote:

... can take your aggressions out at the strib club with?

Hehe, I never thought, Slappy would ever have a typo in "strip club" Laughing

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CalamityJane wrote:

Slappy Doo Hoo wrote:
... can take your aggressions out at the strib club with?

Hehe, I never thought, Slappy would ever have a typo in "strip club"

Just a nervous twitchhhhhh.

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JPB wrote:

I don't think I've ever suggested a trial separation on this forum, but I think it might be a good idea in this case. You might do well to give each other some space to determine if both of you are happier with or without your partner.

I have been away from A2K for a few days, and have just caught up on this thread. I was thinking about what you wrote, before I read your post.

vstrong- I think that you need to get away from this entire situation, and give yourself time to think through how you will go on with your life, with or without your wife.

Reading these posts, I thought of an old saying:

Quote:

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

Some time away from you wife may be very productive for both of you. I think that you both need some time and distance. And don't take any booze with you. You need time to heal, not put yourself in an even deeper morass.

You are still quite young, and your life is ahead of you. You cannot make someone love you if she doesn't, and you certainly don't want her to stay with you out of pity. (at least I hope that you don't). Don't go with any preconceived notions. Simply live you life, (and stay out of romantic entanglements for now, 'cause you are much too vulnerable at this point in time).

There are many of us who have gone through shattering relationships. Trust me, it may seem like the end of the world, but you WILL survive!

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I agree with separation a nd that it can be a good thing, but the time she spends away with be with another man. I don't know if I could ever take her back if she is physically with another man. It would constantly be on my mind.

The last two days have been horrible. She says she wont give it a chance because she says her heart is not in it. Its done. Now I need to pick myself up and get back out there i guess.

This just hurts so much. I love my wife. Its just not fair.......(go ahead and flame away, thats just what i need)

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I don't think anyone has been flaming you, vstrong. You've just seen what you thought was a lifelong relationship thrown into the dustbin. Of course it hurts. regardless of the culpabilities of either/both of you. There are a number of practical steps that need to be taken, both legal and financial, and you need to have a clear head on your shoulders as you undertake them.

Getting back out there should be the least of your concerns. Getting back on your feet emotionally and sorting out the financial details should be at the top. Whether you divorce or separate, there are many tasks in your near future. Worrying about whether she is or isn't spending her time with another man is counter-productive; you've got bigger worries than that one.

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vstromg wrote:

This just hurts so much. I love my wife. Its just not fair.......(go ahead and flame away, thats just what i need)

Of course it hurts. You had one expectation, and your wife turned it upside down. As far as it being fair, the older that you get, the more that you will realize that life ISN'T fair. Often the nice guys DO finish last.

I agree with JPB. You need to get your financial affairs in order. Divorcing wives (and husbands) have been known to make off with the marital property. Get yourself an attorney, and protect yourself.

Another reason to get an attorney, is that often it is the "moving party" who gets the short end of the stick. She could turn around and say that you deserted her. Get yourself some legal advice, before you actually leave the house. Have a separation agreement drawn up, with everything, I mean everything, spelled out. On the other hand, since you have no kids, and you provided most of the support, maybe SHE should move out.

This is a time, no matter how rough it appears, that you need to have your head on straight. A stupid move on your part, could made a formidable difference for you in years to come. Good luck, and you know that we are here for you!

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Well, I purchased the house and it is in my name and in Illinois, in a dicorce, i would get the house. her name is no where on the mortgage.

I am taking money out of the bank and paying off credit cards and making sure there is not much left to "split up".

Anyone know a decent woman looking for a hot 30 year old man who makes 6 figures? haha

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JPB wrote:

Worrying about whether she is or isn't spending her time with another man is counter-productive; you've got bigger worries than that one.

yea, i understand, but you know you cant control that. i will always be thinking of her and what she is doing. Its natural. I love her.

I also understand that "life's not fair". But the fact that she wont even give me 6 months to prove to her I can make her happy and be the man she fell in love with is ridiculous.

I supported her for 3 years financially while didnt have a job or any money and the minute she get financial freedom, she takes off? That just sucks.

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vstrong wrote:

I supported her for 3 years financially while didnt have a job or any money and the minute she get financial freedom, she takes off? That just sucks.

Yes, and you are pissed off. You took care of her, and the minute she is on her own two feet, and does not need you any more financially, she's off and running. Sure it sucks. But it is reality.

I would like a buck for every woman who put her own career on "hold", while she worked crap jobs to put her husband through medical or law school. And then hubby runs off with the cute little nurse at the hospital.

That scenario is so old, it has moss growing on it. The difference is, that is was usually the husband who did the screwing. Now that women have the ability to achieve in the business and professional world, you begin to hear stories of women doing to men what men had been doing to women all along.

The point of the matter is, right or wrong, your wife has changed, and is not happy with her current situation with you. You can whine and wail if you want, if it makes you feel better. Ultimately though, it that is counterproductive. You need to become proactive in insuring that you get a fair shake in the divorce.

Quote:

Anyone know a decent woman looking for a hot 30 year old man who makes 6 figures? haha

Right now you are feeling betrayed, and undervalued. If you think that latching on to another woman would be helpful to you, you are way off base. You need time, lots of time, to figure out who you are, why you picked the woman that you did, understand why your marriage went sour, and work on yourself, so that in the future, should you have another serious relationship, it would be on more solid ground.

BTW, even if I knew someone who met your specifications, I would never fix up a friend of mine now with you. You are what is known as "in transition", and need a lot of time and emotional work on your part, before you will be ready for another relationship.

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vstrong wrote:

Well, I purchased the house and it is in my name and in Illinois, in a dicorce, i would get the house. her name is no where on the mortgage.

Why not?

I know, things seem to be over here, and I'm sorry. In terms of making things work next time, though, this seems to be part of that whole same inequity thing.

I very much agree with JPB about getting things in order. I know that you're hurting a lot now and that it's hard to think in those terms, but I agree with Phoenix's point about doing your best to think long-term rather than giving into the urge to wallow.

Best of luck.

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I'm sorry V.
It does suck.

V, I've been hanging around this forum for over a year now and in my experience the people here usually know what they are talking about. A lot of em have gone through things I am only starting to comprehend, and they have quite a knack for keeping the good of the one they are talking to in mind.

So, I can't comment with responsibility on what you should do now, but just saying I have found that the folks here are trustworthy and kind.

And I am crossing my fingers that this break can happen as painlessly as possible, and not get messy. For your sake, and your future.

well wishes

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ADVICE NEEDED-I'm about to lose my wife

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