ADVICE NEEDED-I'm about to lose my wife

Long term communication is the heart of the matter; it is an ongoing function of caring, and can increase caring, something of a cycle.
(Heh, I who have been in-between on vstrong's situation, mentioned communication early.)

I was going to write about vstrong's not showing anger in his beginning posts, and didn't. I'm not opposed to it showing up here, so he can learn to deal with it.

Does anyone actually think those are Kicky's real thoughts?



Now, moving on to the matter of love...

Vstrong, you've mentioned, if I remember correctly, that your wife doesn't feel in love with you any more, and may have mentioned something about being in love yourself.

Being 'in love' varies re how people think of it, but it is often understood to mean the same thing that some of us wizened folk think of as infatuation. Mature love gets past infatuation; it has to, since infatuation, by its nature, flees. Feelings of deep attachment can stay the course, and I'm not talking about jealous feelings but real attachment.

Infatuation is probably hard wired in us all, and, dare I guess, has almost no bearing on whether a love will be lifelong or decade long, and sometimes almost decrees that it will be only weeklong.

It is the excitement of having a new person be just wonderful. If you and she are aiming to get back to infatuation stage, I think your clock is ticking.

As a postscript I'll add that I agree with all who said attraction and infatuation happens to people. Blame for that is plain silly.
The question is what you do about it.

Only one? I bet I could come up with at least a dozen right off the top of my head.

Yeah, there could be a contest - why not start a new thread, Kicky?

Oh, on my "your clock is ticking" comment was not that you had to hurry up, but that getting back to initial infatuation stage is not a reasonable goal. You two could (possibly) have a further love relationship, given new appreciation.

Understood. I want her to fall in love with me all over again. Its just so damn hard to do when 1. she wont let me and 2. she may have feelings for someone else.

thanks for your help everyone......

Well, the past 4 days have been pretty non-eventful..as far as where our relationship is.

We went to counseling saturday, which didnt seem to help too much, but we made another appt. My wife basically said there is nothing I can do right now that would show her love - she won't let me in. That hurts. I asked her to stop social contact with this person at work, but I know she hasn't (I know people who work there).

We both had the last 4 days off and spent aqlmost all of it together doing things, but I don't think i gained any ground. I think as long as she is at this job, I am screwed.

Correction: as long as she remains interested in this guy and not in you, you are screwed.

I guess your wife and I are on the same boat, that the start of an affair, epecially when your wife is emotionally attached to that guy and she gets all the wonderful feelings, happiness from that guy which she's not getting from you.

vstrong, you mentioned that you married 14 months ago after living together for five years. What was the impetus to marry at that time? Was she pushing to get married? If so, why?

The reason I'm asking is the point you made about her not wanting to be told, "to do the right thing" in this situation. Was there some outside pressure on her to marry you? It might have come from her parents, or even from you. If she got married to make other people in her life happy, then she probably doesn't have the desire to give you what you're looking for now.

No one pressured her into getting married. If anything, she wanted to get married much earlier, but I waited to make sure she was ready. I wanted to make sure she was mature enough o make this decision and not look back on it with regret.

Well, she still hasn't cut-off social contact with this other man, as she has told me she hasn't. I asked her to, but she is not.

Its not looking good. I don't know how to act. I'm not eating, sleeping or anything. I just want my wife back, but it may be too late. I have begun counseling myself to help me understand myself better and try and become a better person. She knows this.

I want more than anything for us to be happy together and am willing to do whatever it takes to achieve this happiness. Unfortunately, it takes two. I really don't think she knows what she wants right now and has told me she has trouble having "faith in me" and said "well, where have you been the past 6 months? Why did it get to this?" My response was "well, at least I realize the error of my ways and are working on them.

I just want her to give me a solid chance. Cut off contact with this other person, put her faith in me and let me show her I can be the man she fell in love with and has been in love with for 8 years. Its not like I disappeared, i just lost my way a little and I am willing to do anything to get back on course.

I love my wife with all my heart, unfortunately, thats just not enough.

Any positive advice on next steps? I'd like to believe I still have a chance to be with the women I consider my best friend and soul mate.

VS

No advice really, just work on yourself, continue with your therapist
and try to sort things out for yourself and stay low.
You cannot force upon feelings, they're either there or aren't. Let
your wife know, that you're here for her if she changes her mind,
but you shouldn't convince her otherwise or push her into something
she doesn't want.

Even if she would quit her job and not see the other guy anymore,
your problems would be far from over.

Like deeppainlady, I am going through what your wife is going through. I was so surprised at how much similarity there is in our situation. I am around the same age as your wife. My husband and I had been married for almost 4 years. We were boyfriend-girlfriend for 6 months (physically in the same country for the first 3 months). After the 6 months we got married (my idea). My husband and I had known each other since we were about 8 years old, but we were never childhood sweethearts or anything. We remained close friends over the years. My family was stunned when I told them I was getting married...my mother said I would regret it. I didn't listen to anyone....but since living together things were different. Our dynamics were different. He was passive, I was assertive. We wouldn't have healthy arguments because he would not argue back. I describe myself as headstrong...a career woman. But I wanted for my husband to be assertive as well...argue with me from time to time, debate on things, have an opinion....but at home it was like me talking to myself all the time! The lack of stimulation in conversation led to lack of action physically!!! I hadn't been happy. To make things complicated my family LOVES him to bits!

A couple of months ago a friend of mine recently made contact with me. He had liked me before when we were teenagers but we never went out. We remained friends nevertheless. And since then I felt a connection with him that I hadn't felt with my husband. I had become emotionally attached to this guy who still cared deeply for me. To make things clear, this guy hadn't been demanding me to leave my husband for him or anything like that. I'm not blaming him for what I'm feeling but my feelings for him complicate things.

I must say that what is happening is also painful for your wife too....I don't know what will happen between my husband and I...I'm just as confused as I was a few weeks ago when this all went down. Whoever said that all these feelings did not start over a short period of time but would have lingered on for much longer were telling the truth. Despite of this however, making the final decision of whether to stay together (or not) is not easy for the both of you. I was at fault too because I let the negative feelings drag on for so long...until one day I woke up and felt differently towards my husband (who, keeps on telling me that he was shocked that I felt that way! I thought that it was at least obvious!). While I try to regain those feelings I had for my husband during the early part of our marriage, I had fallen for someone else who feels the same way about me. And it is hard to ignore those feelings....the longer they persist the deeper they become. I don't know what the future will hold for my husband and I...he is still hopeful that we will work things out. But having a 3rd person complicates things exponentially especially if the wife does not want to give that person up.

I do hope that you and your wife work things out. It will take lots of time and patience. I do not know what will happen with my marriage. The burden I feel is terrible...I'm causing my husband pain, his family and my family are in tears, and both families tell me "to do the right thing!" (my family nagging at me certainly makes me shut down emotionally).

I will be checking on this forum to check how you are doing. It will help enlighten me with what I am going through as well.

Wow....I don't wish this situation upon my worst enemy.

You are putting your husband through hell, no doubt. Has he pushed you towards this other man by not being there for you or not being the perfect husband?

I realize my faults and am actively working on them....not only for her, but for me. I know I have flaws and need to get them ironed out. Let me tell you, this was/is one HUGe wake up call. I will never take another women I love for granted. She will always be showered with love and affection. I made a grave mistake and am paying dearly for it.

Does anyone suggest I contact this other man and asked him politely to stop and back off my wife? Or will that make matters worse? I almost feel like I am at the end of the line here. I am emotionally done. I have nothing left. What do I have to lose at this point?

Any help would be appreciated.

VS

Me too, i don't know what will happen to me and my husband, he took me for granted for so many years, and i don't feel inlove with him anymore, our kids are the reason that makes me stick with my married life.

Well, I personally don't see anything wrong with your doing that. Will it make matters worse with your wife? I dunno .... I don't know your wife.

Definitely not -- that's a lose/lose situation for everyone, especially yourself.

I can't give you advice because, even with all the words here, I don't know you, your wife or the situation well enough. I do want to say one thing, however: I was married for 26 years before my husband died. I can't tell you how many times he and I fell out of love, to use your words, with each other and back in again. Actually, the way we saw it, we always loved each other. Love is constant, not a roller coaster. But, and as we matured we could freely admit this point, there were times when we didn't like each other. As in, "I don't like it that you do that/think that way/don't do that". Love is knowing, in your soul, that in a desperate situation you would give up your life for the other, no matter what stupid-ass thing they did that day, or how attractive that other person is. And yes, many times I thought I was ready to walk out. But I didn't, and he didn't -- we never completely gave up on each other. And whenever one of these periods happened, each instinctively knew to back off, have patience, be quietly supportive and appreciative.

I can't take it anymore. I cant stand the unknown. I know she still talks to him, and sending him emails of pictures of herself, etc.

I think if this man hears from me how mach damage he is causing, maybe it will make him back off, if he has any heart at all.

Its been 10 days since I found out and I am an emotional wreck. I don't know what to do.

And what will you do when he says, "No".

You are not thinking very clearly. This is an issue between you and your wife. The other guy is incidental. Involving him is counterproductive and unpredictable.

I'm about to lose my wife, you say. Sounds like a done deal. If you are thinking you are losing your wife, then you may well lose your wife.

Why not turn that thought around to be something like, "My wife has been hurt by my cool and distant attitude over recent months. While I was 'away' she found a great job that is lifting her self esteem. She says she still loves me yet is attracted to another man in her place of work."

You were distant, now she is distant. You probably could stop panicking, it's the very panicking you are demonstrating that could be turning her off. Maybe you are imagining that you have lost her but it could be because of her new self-esteem. Would you prefer the old her?

Actually, what you are describing in yourself is a extreme change in character. You were the confident one who brought home the money, then you became the guy laying around in pain, not handling it very well. Now, she is holding up her end, possibly more. Keep your dignity, your self-respect, don't grovel. You could give her reason to think you weren't this white shining knight she maybe thought she had. Could be she may even like, better, this new vulnerable side you're showing.

Calm down. It's not the end of the world. Maybe it's not the end of your marriage. It's not exactly a sin to allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Both of you are improving, I'm thinking.

Last night my husband and I spent time together talking about what happened between the two of us...what problems we were having. We definitely have our differences (in relation to me being assertive and him being passive). He acknowledged that even though we were living under the same roof, he had neglected me. He said he wasted his time on things that were not important or significant and that led me to slowly drift away from him. I broke down and cried as he hugged me...and he told me he was sorry for all the wrong he had done. Last night was quality time for the both of us - we had dinner, had drinks, sang karaoke at home (we both love to sing! ). It has been a while since my husband and I spent time like that together when he was still staying here at our home. When this whole thing went down a few weeks ago my husband moved out of the house so we could give each other space to think through our feelings and figure out what to do. That time was meant to be used wisely otherwise we're just right back where we started.

I acknowledge that my husband hadn't done anything to definitely signal a divorce for me - we don't fight physically or verbally, he hasn't beaten me up, he doesn't gamble, he hadn't cheated. The problems were what I had mentioned in my earlier entry...and those things he wants to work out. He said that this was, like you said too, a "wake up call". He said he needs to grow up and he wants to handle things differently. Because if he doesn't change he knows he will lose me. And I admire my husband for all that he's doing - he gave me space when I asked him to, he acknowledges where things had gone wrong, he's not giving up on us, and he's still here caring for me and loving me and being my friend and confidant. I had been hurt many times in previous relationships and I know that there are not many guys like my husband....he is one in a million. And if he is willing to sort things out, then I should too....I owe it to him. And that has nothing to do with external pressures from family and friends.

If, things do not work out between the two of us despite all the effort, then I could say that we tried our best. And if it's not looking good for our marriage, we would be more at peace with separating knowing that we've done all we could.....

As for the other guy....what I'm feeling for him may be just infatuation (and when I'm infatuated I am not in my right mind! I make stupid moves and decisions!). It's true what Tico said...that mature love is knowing in your soul that you love each other even though you are not 'in love' with them. I've done A LOT of reading.....and they do say that 'falling in love' is easy because it does not require any effort...and being 'in love' or the butterflies in your stomach feeling does not last long. If your wife pursues something with this other guy, and if I pursued something with this other person, the 'in love' feeling will definitely fade with time. The temptation is not thinking clearly what we're giving up....and I think I would be silly to give up on my marriage to pursue this 'in love feeling' I am having for someone I'm terribly infatuated with, but would probably not make me happy way down the line. If I jump from one relationship to another just to satisfy my craving for the 'in love' feeling, I would never be content with what I have.

So vstrong, this is what I'm feeling right now towards my situation...just needed time to assess things in my heart and mind, and think through things rationally without strong emotions clouding my judgement. I will keep you updated on how we are doing I will see how things unfold in the next few days/weeks.

My sister lent me a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F Harley, Jr. I was reluctant to even read it but I found this book helpful. Have a look at it and let me know how you find it.

As for contacting the other guy, I think probably not...it may just backfire. Even if you talk to the other guy, if your wife wants to make contact with him she will one way or another. I do hope that you and your wife work things out.....as my friend told me the other day, it needs willingness from the both of you (not just one of you) to make a difference.