ADVICE NEEDED-I'm about to lose my wife

vstrong wrote:

Mame- dont get so hung up on words....

I am a good man, whose wife is cheating on him. If I were so bad, angry, controlling, etc. would her parents, who know everthing about me after 8 years, be on my side 100%? They would be like "get rid of this f'er".

Beware of self pity. It'll take you down faster than anything.

Really not wanting to harp on that, but I think soon enough you'll see the value of why some here are driving home the 'stop whining' mantra.
It'll take you down, it really will.
You don't have time for it.

Phoenix said something in another thread that I found personally useful, and she repeated it here for you.
"Life isn't fair, and the sooner you accept that the better off you'll be." She also mentioned that she only truly started to be a grown up when she accepted that there is no justice. That rang so true for me and deep.

Seems like you and I both are still looking at the world with some expectations that aren't exactly, err, realistic nor helpful for getting on.

Can I ask you something? Honestly. There is a part here I do not understand.
You are 30 years old, right?
And you have supported this woman, married her, and yet kept the entire home in your name?
She was 18 when you got together and did not 'get away' from the entire family-hanging-off-her-shoulder thing nor go out and scrape a life for herself alone?

Ok. If all that is correct: Can you please tell me how in your mind you came to conclusion that she would not 'rebel' from you as an authority figure in her life?

Did you think she would be grateful towards you - and be able to truly understand what was being offered to her at that time? (As in, how can someone who has not had freedom appreciate the comfort and gift of being given a home and such rather than seeing it as an entitlement. How can they protect their own interests if they have never had to fight for them?).

Do you and your wife each have seperate friends and interests outside of the relationship or has a lot of her life revolved around you?

.......

marty, your post isn't wasted. I knew there was a reason I liked you from the get go.

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About a month ago I realized as I was driving in my car to meet a friend that I met post divorce that the downhill spiral that I experienced no longer felt like yesterday. I never knew I was capable of feeling so badly. But I survived the pain to realize that I've been blessed with the chance to rediscover myself and raise my beautiful children to be strong,good hearted people.

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Pain and learning and self pity and just watching how others deal and learning, all sometimes mixed with shitsadness and sometimes lightened to joy... all this forms sort of a shoulder brace.

That's real life and it is often tough.

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Yeah.

And vstrong, I'm another who has gone through this. The expressions of love are easy, it's baseline, it's the status quo -- the fact that they happened so recently doesn't mean that this was necessarily so abrupt. Those motions can still be gone through even as doubts are percolating or if there is a catalyst like starting a new job or having discussions about starting a family.

I've appreciated flushd's posts here, I'm curious about the answers to her questions, too. It's too soon to get yourself in gear for the next relationship, probably, but I think the answers might help you with some of the "why"s, if you really want them. And if you don't, that's your perogative, really. Onward and upward.

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I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I am a female having an affair I also love my husband but am not inlove with him. I'm sorry to tell you that once your marriage has taken that turn, you can never change it back. This is my 3rd affair and though I won't leave him out of pitty, I have tried to get those feelings back but couldn't. So I am sorry to tell you that her relationship will only escalate to being sexual if it already isn't. I too hold my hubby and tell him I love him but he knows it's not true. I guess all I can say is that you should be glad no children are involved and prepare mentally to let go. SHe is already gone. You sound like an awesome guy so I'm sorry to be so blunt.

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I'm sure what you say is true for you, badgirl, and am also sure people can come back from it... well, one affair. Depends on the people. And some may not make affairs a negative in the first place (I'm not familiar with this, but can understand it).

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I appreciate everyone's input, I am taking it all in.

Last night was spent the tiime around New Years crying to my sefl as she was "outside" and didnt want to be around me. The last 3 days have gotten so bad in part because I found out that she went to his hour friday night, but like many of you said, it was bound to happen.

Thnaks for the support through all this.

I will probably be looking for more as the weeks/year goes on. Happy New Year to all.

VS

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vstrong- You know that you have our support. Every time there is a problem, it opens up new opportunities. I know that this is difficult to hear right now, but things are going to get better, if you make up your mind that they will be better, with or without your wife.

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Thanks everyone....

A lot of people were right on the nose here. It went from me finding out she was IM'ing someone two weeks ago, to she is done with the marriage...menaing this has been a long time coming. I just wish she would of gave me a "heads up" so that I can try and change the things I was doing, but I'm not even sure that would have helped.

She has been with me since 19. She experiencing financial freedom for the first time and wants to "live her own life". I can respect that, as much as it hurts. There is no doubt this job caused her to feel this way and the people at this pace filling her head with this stuff.

I am a person of my word, and when I gave my word to her in my self written wedding vows, I meant it, unfortunately, she did not.

As for the calling people names: I think when you call people controlling, that is calling them a name. I may come off that way on here, but that is not my intentions. My emotions are a wreck, I'm crying half the time i right these messages and I am deeply hurt. So if what I say comes off as controlling, that is not how I am. I have never been called that in my life, and in fact have been called the opposite. No biggie, no one knows me well enough on here to judge me other than what I write, I can also respect that and your opinion.

I'm just a deeply hurt, confused, where do I go from here man, who thought he was going to make a life with the woman I love to death.

I will move on, its just that I getting pretty old and would of liked to have started having kids now, not pursuing other women. who knows how long it will take to find another woman to fit my needs.

I am going to continue to go to therapy and get everything in control. Its just going to be so hard to come home at night and not have her be there, not watch our favorite TV shows, not be with each other and do all the great things we have done over the years. It kills me when I think about it.

I know god does things for a reason and I will most likely look back on this as a blessing. Thanks again to everyone for listening to my babbling and story. I really do appreciate your advice and support.

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Also: Do I kick her out immediately, or do I let her live here in hopes that she will realize that she is might be making a mistake?

Its so hard to see and be with her everyday, knowing what is really going on. I am still holding on to that glimmer of hope that she will realize that she can work this out and this other man isn't all that and a bag of candy. But, like I said before, it may have nothing to do with the other man and everything to do with her realizing she can have her own life now.......yes I'm confusing myself Smile

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Quote:

I'm just a deeply hurt, confused, where do I go from here man, who thought he was going to make a life with the woman I love to death.

I will move on, its just that I getting pretty old and would of liked to have started having kids now, not pursuing other women. who knows how long it will take to find another woman to fit my needs.

vstrong- I don't know if or when you will find another woman, and IMO, that should not be your concern now. I find the phrase "to find another woman to fit my needs" very telling. Mature people think in terms of "us", and not "me", if they want to have a successful marriage. At 19, with little experience in life, and little finances, you probably fit her needs. Now that she is feeling her oats as a productive woman, you no longer fit her needs.

When she was a needy little girl, it suited you just fine. Now she is a different person, it is probable that you two have grown apart. The sad thing is that you were so sure of her when she was needy, that you were quite unaware that she was changing, and did not do anything to grow along with her.

IMO, tell her to move out, and give her time to find another place. Be reasonable, but let her know that she can't have it both ways. If she wants to live with the other guy, let her go to him, immediately if not sooner.

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flushd wrote:

Can I ask you something? Honestly. There is a part here I do not understand.
You are 30 years old, right?
And you have supported this woman, married her, and yet kept the entire home in your name?
She was 18 when you got together and did not 'get away' from the entire family-hanging-off-her-shoulder thing nor go out and scrape a life for herself alone?

Ok. If all that is correct: Can you please tell me how in your mind you came to conclusion that she would not 'rebel' from you as an authority figure in her life?

Did you think she would be grateful towards you - and be able to truly understand what was being offered to her at that time? (As in, how can someone who has not had freedom appreciate the comfort and gift of being given a home and such rather than seeing it as an entitlement. How can they protect their own interests if they have never had to fight for them?).

Do you and your wife each have seperate friends and interests outside of the relationship or has a lot of her life revolved around you?

Sorry, I missed your questions...

1. I bought the house with my own money before we were married. each of our parents gave us $40k, I bought a house (down payment) she bought a BMW. We just never went through the motions of putting the house in her name.
2.I'm not sure what you mean by "scrape a life of her own". We met at college. It wasnt like we were together constantly or anything like that. We had some mutual friends, but had some friends that were just our own. We had tons of freeedom to do what we wanted because we trusted each other.
3. I dont have the answer to the 'rebel'. It makes sense I guess. She is a HUGE family woman and her family is everything to her. She may have viewed me as some sort of father figure, I dont have the answers to that. itreated her like a lover, not a daughter, i can assure you that.
4. Not sure about home and entitlement question. I thought I was just providing a place for us to start our lives...nothing else. I never held it over her head. I just did what I think was right...and it turns out its going to makie me about $150k...so thats cool Smile

5. She has her own friends and usually goes out one night with them on the weened and one night with me. I usually let her decide the night and work around her schedule. I'm pretty flexible and underatnd about that. I know if she is not happy, I can't be happy, so I let..oops so I have no problem with her going out and being with her friends whenever she wants.

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Phoenix32890 wrote:

vstrong- I don't know if or when you will find another woman, and IMO, that should not be your concern now. I find the phrase "to find another woman to fit my needs" very telling. Mature people think in terms of "us", and not "me", if they want to have a successful marriage. At 19, with little experience in life, and little finances, you probably fit her needs. Now that she is feeling her oats as a productive woman, you no longer fit her needs.

When she was a needy little girl, it suited you just fine. Now she is a different person, it is probable that you two have grown apart.

Hi Phoenix-

I don't feel that we grew apart. There was so much love and togetherness in our lives the past months. Everyone could see it. Hence why everyone (our families and friends) can not believe what is happening and so quickly. We grew together, one step at a time. She is clearly not thinking this through and is just in awe of the prospect of living on her own, this other man, and being to do what she wants or whatever. I wish her the best and a truly hope she finds happiness and what she is looking for. I believe she is in for a wake up call, unfortunately. I don't think I will ever be able to take her back once she leaves, but who knows. Hopefully I will have moved on and decided that I am better off with out her. There have been so many instances over the years that I have overlooked of her wrong doing or shortcomings, but that is neither here no there. I just felt that she would at least give me some time to see if we could work this out, rather than just calling it quits. Oh well. I believe when you make your vow of marriage under God, you stick to that vow almost no matter what.

When I said find a woman who will "fit my needs" i meant someone who is compatible with em and enjoys the same things I do and will be able to care for em and love me unconditionally, I just didn't want to write all that out.

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vstrong wrote:

5. She has her own friends and usually goes out one night with them on the weened and one night with me. I usually let her decide the night and work around her schedule. I'm pretty flexible and underatnd about that. I know if she is not happy, I can't be happy, so I let..oops so I have no problem with her going out and being with her friends whenever she wants.

I've been reading from the beginning. Finally had to say something. Vstrong. I refer you to my signature line, a quote from Robert Burns.

Oh wad some power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us.

It would be a great value if we could see ourselves as others see us. Many people can't. It's not an easy thing to do.

You say you're not controlling. Yet you say you "let her decide." Do you not see what that suggests? Someone else may have said, "And she decides ..."

I truly wish you well. I sympathize with the pain you're experiencing. I agree with much of the advice and suggestions that have been offered here. You might want to take some time for reflection and introspection.

Do you perceive yourself as others perceive you? As she perceives you?

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vstrong wrote:

I don't feel that we grew apart.

In the words of Dear Abby, "Wake up and smell the coffee". Something WAS happening in your marriage, and you just did not catch on in time. Unless this guy who your wife is seeing is some Svengali, and has her mesmerized, she was unhappy, and turned to someone else to help her find what she needed.

Anyhow, it IS possible that this is just a passing phase. That's why I think that you really need to separate. She needs to live with the cold reality of her actions. It may give her a "wake up call" and help her to realize what she is giving up. On the other hand, she may be happier in a new situation. I think though, that she needs to have the opportunity to find out. Whatever she decides later, it would be up to you, if she wants back in, whether you want to take her back.

As far as the house is concerned, you did not buy it on your own. You were subsidized by both your and her parents. That changes things quite a bit. She might very well claim that some of the money from the house came from her folks, and therefore she is entitled to part of the proceeds.
She may very well be.

That is why you need to see an attorney, quick. Don't ever take for granted that because she said that she was not interested in the marital assets, that she won't turn around and change her mind, when she is out on her own.

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I really don't think this was a long time coming. I think it 100% has to do with her new environment. Things were pretty well for us until she started this new job 3 months ago. We had a good marriage. You show me a perfect marriage and i will show you two liars.

She is so in awe of the "i can be independent now" that she has began to rethink things. I probably haven't been complete in my explanation of what thing where like before, but thy were not terrible by any means. Like I said before, we were talking bout having kids and loving each other to death not 4-5 weeks ago.

As for the "let her" thing again, come on. Its just the way I write, not the way I think. People accuse me of being to liberal with my wife and can't believe the amount of slack and freedom i give her. She'll stay out until 4am sometimes and my response will be "did you get home OK and have a good time".

Well, she left me again to go to her friends house, which i hope, but i don't truly believe. She said the same thing Friday and ended up at her new boy-toys house. You can drive yourself crazy with his crap. Whatever. I need some mind numbing drugs cause I literally think I am going insane!!

Thanks again for the responses and advice, I really appreciate it.

VS

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vstrong wrote:

As for the "let her" thing again, come on. Its just the way I write, not the way I think. People accuse me of being to liberal with my wife and can't believe the amount of slack and freedom i give her. She'll stay out until 4am sometimes and my response will be "did you get home OK and have a good time".

It is possible that the fact that you were not concerned about her staying out until 4 in the morning could be perceived as you not caring. We women are strange creatures. From my own experience I don't want to be controlled either, but I respect certain limits on what I can and cannot do.

BTW, why were you NOT upset when your wife waltzed in at 4 in the morning? I think that most men would be very disturbed by that sort of behavior, except if it were for a very special occasion. It sounds like she was living as both your wife, and as a single woman at the same time.

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I get Phoenix's points. I do get some of yours too, vstrong. In fact I see an imbalance between the way you phrase things, "let" being just the first on the list... and what you actually mean.

Your wife sounds very young to me (even I seem young to me, and I'm way old). You sound like - well, I won't characterize it. I admire your pluck for keeping talking here. You sound like you had a package you believed in that wasn't entirely conversant with reality. This is not unusual, most of us - not just on this thread - have been there.

I'll switch to a general question about marriage for life now. When people marry as they are just beginning to mature, whatever age, with hopes, even promise, to make it lifelong, I can only wish them well while inwardly rolling my eyes.

People go through a lot of growth through life and it is very possible they grow apart, and as Joe Nation intimated earlier in the thread, not aways a bad thing at all. Some make it together from, say, nineteen through eighty two.

I didn't use to feel this way, but I do now, being nearer eighty two than nineteen.... the idea of being closely tied to one person all that time seems almost like brainwashing to me, a complete trap. I couldn't have guessed I'd feel this way.

I do have friends in lively longtime marriages, with only one marriage I can think of being a major first love continuation. The marriages/associations of most people I know that are seemingly thriving are not their first marriage/association experiences.

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Hi!

My wife has loved and been with other men, so its not like I am her first and she doesn't feel like she hasn't experienced any other men.

As for the coming home at 4am..its very few and far between, usually its no later than 2am. Occasionally I will make a little stink, but by no means to I say "You are not allowed to do that". Of course I show here that I don't approve of it, but I am not going to tell her how to live her life...thats counter productive. I want her to have fun and enjoy life, otherwise she wont be happy. If she is not happy, WE cant be happy.

I just don't know what to do from here. I'm so torn and hurt. i wish I had her to just hold and cry with...sounds pathetic I know.

I also refuse to beat myself up over this saying this is my fault. I have thought about this non-stop, and I have not been the "Husband of the year", but I definitely haven't done enough wrong to drive her to another man, This is clearly her finding herself and wanting a life of her own. Its going to be a sad wake up call when she no longer has 6 figures of salary coming in and cant buy her $130 jeans and million pairs of shoes Smile

I by no means wish ill will on her, in fact I wish nothing but the best for her, but I obviously wish that would be with me, but I'm trying to prepare myself for a life without her.

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vstrong, there's a good possibility that she's already had her wake-up call, and you're on the wrong (from your perspective) side of it.

You need to take care of yourself, work with the counsellor on getting yourself ready to live on your own, and prepare to be a great partner to someone who's already grown-up, in love with you, and ready to be with you.

And get a lawyer.

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ADVICE NEEDED-I'm about to lose my wife

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