ADVICE NEEDED-I'm about to lose my wife

vstrong wrote:

I believe that there is no excuse for her to allow herself to have feeelings for another man while in a committed marriage that was taken with vows under God in the Christian church.

"No excuse"?

You've detailed (somewhat) the excuse, the reasons for her questioning her feelings. She may not be lily-white in this, but the last thing you ought to be doing now is telling her her feelings aren't justified. They are what they are. If you are not willing to forgive her for possibly having those feelings, discover the reason she had those feelings, and make the changes needed, you aren't ready to continue in this relationship.

My guess: The other guy was listening to her ... he was satisfying that part of her that needed that ... and you weren't meeting that emotional need of hers.

Quote:

I'm so lost now on how to handle myself. I'm in the f'ing very angry stage right now. Im so mad at her. i dont want to follow her around and poiut around saying "I love you" anymore. I think I need to show her that I can handle this and almost scare her a little into thinking "I could possibly lose him?". Cause right now, she knows she has me by the balls.

By all means, adopt that attitude and watch how quickly your marriage dissolves.

I believe that there is no excuse for her to allow herself to have feeelings for another man while in a committed marriage that was taken with vows under God in the Christian church.

vstrong, have you made note of the point JPB's been making? I very much agree with her. Attractions happen. That isn't something that, in and of itself, needs to be forgiven or is so wrong. Acting on it, yes. Merely thinking it, no. Actions can be controlled to an extent that thoughts can't.

Now, I think she probably handled the whole thing poorly -- telling you that she had these feelings might have opened a can of worms to an extent that she didn't really expect. She may not have thought things through all the way, just kind of blurted what was on her mind.

But if you make it a sin to merely think about another person while married, you're not only going to be alienating her now (since it's something she's already done) but setting an impossibly high bar for the future.

I think you need to start separating out your own inchoate jealousy, which you're entitled to but which is dangerous, from what she actually has (or hasn't) done.

vStrong wrote:

I believe that there is no excuse for her to allow herself to have feeelings for another man while in a committed marriage that was taken with vows under God in the Christian church.

Really! So now you are second guessing her on her feelings! I could understand your attitude she had had an affair. But she didn't, and was honest enough to tell you that she had feelings for another man.

I think that you have a lot of anger issues that you need to deal with, before you can even attempt to repair your marriage. I would suspect that if you insist on your staying on your high horse, you have lost, before you have started.

I was one of the most supportive of you on this thread, before you made that statement. Now I am not so sure. Didn't your religion teach you anything about forgiveness?

Apparently, you are very judgemental, and do not seem to take much stock in what part YOUR behavior had in the reaching of this juncture.

Having emotional "i like you" feeling for another man while married is not right, in my mind, in her mind, in everyone I have talked to's mind. She has an emotional attraction for this person.

I have no idea if she has acted on it or not. She says no, but i'd say there is a slim chance it may have happened.

Isn't that significant to you at all? Isn't there a rather large divide between thinking and doing?

I'm not sure where you get the angry part, ...

I'm in the f'ing very angry stage right now. Im so mad at her.

All I am is a painfully, destroyed, hurt man, who is willing to do whatever it takes to get my wife back. I understand the errors of my ways, I want to fix them, I also want, first and foremost, her to be happy, but I would of course prefer that to be in our marriage.

(I hadn't seen Tico's post yet when I wrote mine, honest!) (Obviously, I agree with him.)

sozobe wrote:

Isn't that significant to you at all? Isn't there a rather large divide between thinking and doing?

Its HUGE. I don't know if I would even be considering taking her back if she did. I scared to death what she may tell me or the counselor.

Oh, when you talk to your wife, own your statements. By this I mean instead of saying something like, "You really piss me off when you do such and such", try to say something like, "I really become hurt and upset when you do such and such". In other words, you are refocusing your statements to reflect your feelings towards something that has happened, rather than blaming her for the happening.

What you will be doing is deflecting the blame away from her, and letting her know how something has affected you. In that way, she is far less likely to become defensive, which does nothing to solve the problem.

I believe that there is no excuse for her to allow herself to have feeelings for another man while in a committed marriage that was taken with vows under God in the Christian church.

1. I am NOT telling her feelings aren't justified. Not at all. I have even told her I know I pushed you to this point

Take it to the nudie bar, dude. Trust me.

Or you could go with the other advice you're getting here, which amounts to, "remove your own balls with a paring knife--you won't be needing them from this point forward. But at least you'll still have your owner--I mean your wife."

vStrong wrote:
This is exactly what I do. This week I have been so kind and open minded. I have not put ANY blame on her, I have only said that she is hurting me.

Ticomaya wrote:
There is a reason kicky is not married.