Weekly A2K News!!!

Top Of The World News......

In search of the elusive heart


Researchers have scoured the world in search of evidence that Mr. Frank Apisa has a heart. Like Alice on the yellow brick road, they encountered many oddities on the way but could never find conclusive proof that Mr. Apisa actually had a heart. They believed that he might, but they did not want to simply guess at the possibility.

It should also be noted that when our intrepid reporter did a spellcheck on this piece, he found that the suggested correction for the name Apisa was Apes. This make explain some of the rumours that he had heard.

By chance, one of the researchers was logged into the Able2Know website and was heard to exclaim.... "Holy horseshyt, I think I found something!"

It seems that Mr. Apisa had just celebrated a rather significant birthday and forum members had written some thoughts on the matter. The researcher found the following quotes from Mr. Apisa.

"This is too much....and I cannot get over how clever some of these things are. "

"Gonna acknowledge everyone by the end of the week...but since I've done fierce battle with Intrepid and Tico....I want to take this moment to especially thank them for their warm wishes."

"Be back to say thanks to each and every....probably tomorrow. "

"Thank you, Intrepid.
Thank you...
...Dag, Drew, dlowan (loved the bunny lips), BreathThePoison, CrazieLady, Algis, Husker (hope all is well, Husker), BBB, Squinney, Andrew, Letty, Beth, Bluevein, Osso, LionTamer, Kris, Edgar, ci, JB, Jane (still wondering about that picture), LadyJ, Gus, Tico, and Wandel."

Tico could not be reached for comment as he was in hot debate in the political forum. Intrepid was still in shock and could only mumble something about God loving Frank and everything would be OK.

We will keep you informed as this story continues to unfold.

I want you all to know that because of extensive body scans....CAT scans and MRI's...in connection with my lymphoma...I can say with absolute certainty that I have a heart. Fact is, it seems to be ticking off key...and the doctors want to insert a pacemaker to steady it up. (I ain't buying that yet!)

But "off key" or not...there is a heart.

My lymphoma was in the neck area...so they have done extensive scans of my head.

They claim they found nothing....

...which may be what Intrepid was getting at.

As for the figurative meaning of "heart"...

...why....

...I am a sweetheart. One of the nicest people you would ever want to meet. Always have a smile on my face....and I can find something positive to say about the most seemingly negative of things.

Never a cross word for anyone.

(Well...in the interest of truthfulness...maybe I can own up to an occasional cross word. But, like the guys from Goodfellas noted, only to people who deserve it...who beg for it.)

Other than that...I'm a goddam pussycat.

Stroking.......chucking under chin ...waiting for purr......

Purrrrrrr....purrrrrrr.....purrrrrrrr.

Awwwwwwwwwww........what a cutums!

Gustave R Escapes, Free World Reels in Shock!


ButtFuk (it is pronounced BEWT-fork), Alabama.

Jailers of the World's Enemy No. 1 were shocked today to discover that their prisoner had apparently absconded after creating a life-like dummy of himself to fool his captors (see below).



Prison Warder, F. A. R. Merman, said, "We guess that sneaky little muthaf*ck did a runner 'bout last week or there-abouts. Musta been when when puts them goats into that there patch of green with them and they alls got a good nights sleep and none of them complained about the smell'.

Attempts to re-capture the elusive Gus have been hampered by an obvious lack of interest in actually identifying and approaching him. Local Police Chief D Lowan announced that as she was washing her hair tonight she wouldn't be available. Most other law-enforcement agencies in the affected areas have announced an outbreak of a number of small, but hampering diseases such as ingrown toenails, runny bottoms, a general feeling of ickiness and 'collywobbles'. At present 16 sheriffs deputies have shot themselves rather than risk being involved in the chase.

The public have been advised to flee in a blind, terrified mass. The State Governor has also called on emergency powers usually reserved for an attack on the United States by drug-crazed, sadistic, Satan-worshiping, hermaphroditic, baby-eating Canadians on annual leave (see artist's impression below).



Many local churches announce that this must be a indeed the 'Time of the Most Evil One' when the world and all its sinners will perish horribly and cast into the 'Pit of Everlasting Burning Hell' where they will be forced to 'lick the naked freezing shanks of the foulest devil in history'. It is not apparent whether this directly refers to Gus or some other manifestation of Evil.

Stillwater
Mr. Stillwater, I wish you would try harder to write and post something funny.

BBB

Local Couple Attacked by Man-Eating Plants

Dateline: Brighton, Massachusetts, Gateway to the Galaxy

Obscure couple jespah and Region Philbis, of WhoYouLookinAt Drive in downtown Brighton were reportedly gardening when they were pulled underground by a bevy of mutant plants.

"It was a hibiscus, I think. Them things are unnatural here in New England." said the husband, "RP".

"And a bunch of hostas, or maybe tiger lilies. It's all so confusing." added his wife.

The couple were reportedly under the streets of Brighton for several days and survived by drinking root sap and barbecuing the alligators in the sewers.

They were found when a neighbor noticed that the newspapers had not been collected for several days and the couple's car was half-submerged in a pool of liquid spumoni. The police, led by George, a nearby freelance Latin translator, managed to locate the Philbis's by the glow of their unusually hypnotic blue teeth.

A more complete interview will be obtained after showers and the consumption of Vietnamese food from a local emporium. "Anything but root sap and barbecued 'gator." said RP.

The plants were removed for evidentiary purposes but the roots may remain. Motorists are advised to use caution when traversing WhoYouLookinAt Drive and to report all abnormal occurrences.

does alligator taste like chicken?

Fun thread...just discovered it.

Does chicken taste like chicken?

Does anyone know what chicken REALLY tastes like?

Funny you should mention that. Apparently a monster chicken, familiarly known as "Fred", has been harassing our Boston A2K contingent. Six feet tall, with cojones the size of kiwi fruits, this "basso profundo" has terrorized a number of loyal A2Kers by sticking his head in their windows early in the morning, and bellowing, "Get up, you lazy SOBs".

Needless to say, this harassment has sparked a discussion around the Charles River. The pundits are betting that our A2K legal advisor, Jespah, is, as we speak, drafting a restraining order targeted at Fred. Stay tuned.

Organic free range chicken does!

Wouldn't kiwi sized balls be small for a six foot chicken?


I confess, I have never seen a chook's balls, though.....mebbe they are relatively small?

Apparently humanity's male wedding tackle is very large for a primate's - one theory is so that it could be seen across the distances of the savannah, because we moved out of the forest, where most primates, with their modest male genitalia, live - and there was no point carrying around "mighty" genitalia that could catch on stuff and all, when nobody was gonna be able to see it except really close up anyway.

Stolen and Defaced Art Found Down Under!!!

Dateline: Somewhere in Tasmania

An enormous cache of illegally liberated artwork was found in a warehouse in Tasmania yesterday. Stunning masterpieces such as Dogs Playing Poker (aka A Friend in Need) and Lucy in the Field with Flowers were found with added drawings of genitalia. The bandits even attempted to add wedding tackle to landscapes, such as Vortex.

MOBA reported the thefts recently (although they don't own Dogs Playing Poker, the insurance company tried to compensate them anyway). A witness, au1929, exclaimed, "There were three of 'em! They all had odd accents and spelled color with a u! Why, a man can't walk down the streets of Dedham, Massachusetts, without being accosted by strangely-accented females carrying canvases!"

margo, msolga and dlowan are being held for questioning.

No I'm not!

And I SO do not spell colour with an "u" - that would be coulour - or colouur ...weird.


Enough to give me choler......hops off muttering...

No I'm not!

And I SO do not spell colour with an "u" - that would be coulour - or colouur ...weird.


Enough to give me choler......hops off muttering...

Retraction

Dateline: Weekly A2K News Headquarters, deep in the heart of Hamsterville

It has come to the attention of this newspaper that the reported theft of art from MOBA by a trio of Australian operatives was apparently all a misunderstanding.

"We were just borrowing them." said msolga.

"And improving the paintings. I mean, they were really awful." added Margo.

"The tints and tones and pigmentations and other things that rhyme with cruller were, well, they needed our help." said a rabbit who preferred to not be named at this time.

The Weekly A2K News regrets the error.

Travelogue from Guest Writer

Dateline: Bilious, Surrey, England, Merry Ole, All that, Old Chap, Pip Pip, God Save the Queen and Ferry 'Cross the Mersey

Today, the Weekly A2K News is offering a travelogue from guest writer Lord Ellpus, who is reporting from holidays deep in the wilds of some place where clotted cream futures are on the rise.

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=58093

The Weekly A2K News looks forward to other guest columnists appearing, preferably out of thin air.