Weekly A2K News!!!

Mame - these are madeup news stories.

Well, mine are. Dunno 'bout Ellpus.

HERE IS THE NEWS FROM THE BBC................

Sad news has just come in that Arthur, the world's only Human Chameleon, has passed away.
Apparently, he tried to crawl across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion.

A London woman has just given birth to a set of quads. According to medical experts, this only happens once in one million six hundred thousand times. Her gynaecologist has said that the couple had been trying for ten years, which works out to roughly 3076 times per week.


There was a strange happening during a performance of Elgar's "Sea Pictures" at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight, when the man playing the triangle disappeared.

Finally, here is an emergency message for seven honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles: breakfast was served three days ago.

This just in from our entertainment reporter --

-- mac11 in Hollywood, in talks to star in long-awaited big screen treatment of "The Donna Reed Show". With Occom Bill as her husband and squinney and McGentrix playing the kids. Fashion designers report a resurgent interest in 50s fashions. Child labor advocates are reportedly pleased as the kids are being played by people who are no longer kids.

-- midget pornmeister Slappy Doo Hoo arrested for hiring height-challenged Canadian without green cards. When confronted, Mr. Doo Hoo said, "I just wanted a paperless office. And some midgets."

-- The following people were found picketing the office of roger, a well-known director of Droitwich travelogues: Frank Apisa, eoe and Asherman. When asked, the picketers explained, "There were no pictures of the jungle room and we think the lens cap was on during the compelling Penbury spanking scene." The Lord and Lady of Droitwich Manor could not be reached for comment, as they were busily bailing out their butler, major domo and all-around man-about-town, Penbury, AKA Penthbury, AKA Pennzoil, AKA Penultimate, AKA ....

LONDON CALLING!.....HERE IS THE NEWS FROM THE BBC.......


Proof positive has been received, that criminals are getting younger and younger. A couple in Bridgewater had their bedroom ransacked while they were watching television, but caught the burglar when he called downstairs for a glass of water.

Police have stepped up the search for Laxley Druitt, a member of Parliament who's lost his marbles. They fear that in his present state of mind, he might do something sensible.

Gangland news just coming in, concerning missing transvestite gangleader Albert (Sylvia) Froggett.
Apparently, his body has been found at the bottom of the River Thames, wearing a pair of concrete slingbacks.

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he's looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him soon, he's going to use both eyes.

Onto music now, and a spokesman for the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra apologised for last night's fiasco when the entire Beethoven's 5th Symphony was played backwards.
Apparantly, their conductor got the wrong end of the stick.

And finally, some sad news from the world of gardening. The greatly loved gardener Fred Loames died today. He has asked in his will to be cremated and his ashes to be scattered over his vegetable patch,
3oz per square yard, lightly forked in.

HERE IS THE NEWS FROM THE BBC...........................



The BBC tonight announced tonight that it will be paying a special tribute to Selwyn Wedgley, Britain's leading understudy, by showing a special season of everybody else's films.

The Metropolitan Police today denied that prisoners in their custody are excessively pampered. This follows yesterday's report that a man was hustled out of New Scotland Yard with an electric blanket over his head.

Reports are coming in that a truck carrying onions has shed its load all over the M-1 Motorway.
Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.

In Newport Pagnel this evening, Mr. Horace Whipsley, the world's most superstitious motorist, known for the lucky horseshoe dangling from his rear window, the sprig of heather on his wipers, the St. Christopher suspended from his dashboard and the four rabbit's feet in his glove compartment -- was run over by thirteen steamrollers.

Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred 'Chuckles' Jenkins, Britain's oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred's jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.

Britains most famous inventor, Professor Gruntwhistle, has patented a machine that combines certain organic material with water, turning it into top quality milk and cream. This kitchen appliance completely replaces the services offered by the local milkman, unless you're the woman at 14 Catbury Drive with the green door.

In our next bulletin, there will be a short programme, featuring the brilliant top civil servant who's got his ear to the ground, his nose to the grindstone, his shoulder to the wheel, his eye on the clock, his hand in the till, his back to the wall, his foot in the door and his finger on the button.....and the BBC will be asking him how he does his flies up.

You said Gruntwhistle.

Bush Loses to Cucumber in Polls

The New York Times, April 17th, 2006


As we all know, a politician or political candidate's relative popularity is frequently measured using a system of polling a random selection of people, usually by asking them to arrange a list of individuals in order from most to least favorable.

Yesterday, despite the seemingly popular move towards losing Rumsfeld, and Bush's declaration that "Okay, gays aren't so bad after all," his popularity has apparently reached a new, remarkable low, as indicated in polls across the country.
Bush's approval ratings are down to approximately 17%, making him slightly less popular than a cucumber. The radical right is disheartened by this new development, since they had declared only several days ago that Bush's popularity would not fall "below that of another fruit," in response to Bush's recent placement just behind Elton John in the polls.

Yet the neoconservative Bush-supporters have not yet lost hope; Bush still stands ahead of Ted Kennedy, whose nationwide approval rating is at a record-breaking negative 21%. When informed of that particular statistic, Kennedy responded with the informative and enlightening "How is that even possible?"

Are pickles more popular than Dubya? Stay tuned.

LONDON CALLING......HERE IS THE NEWS FROM THE BBC............




News is just coming in that the two pandas at the London Zoo have begun to mate. The winner meets Gary Kasparov in the final.

A report has just been published from the team who have been investigating the social habits of Mr. and Mrs. Average.
Unfortunately, Mr. Average was not at home, as he'd slipped down to the south coast with Mrs. Well-Above Average.

Bad luck for the English football team captured by cannibals in Africa last week. By the time rescuers caught up with them, the cannibals had eaten the eleven players and were just warming up the subsitute.

Scotland Yard has informed the BBC that a four foot dwarf held up a service station in an armed robbery today. Police are looking for a sawn-off man with a shotgun.

And finally, the funeral took place today of Horace Smythe, the inventor of the crossword puzzle. It was attended by over two hundred puzzle entusiasts, who sang "Abide with me", as he was buried four down and two across.

LONDON CALLING.....HERE IS THE NEWS FROM THE BBC.........


A man convicted of stealing 500 Monopoly sets was today sentenced to go to jail, to go directly to jail, to not pass go and not collect £200.

Charles Spalding, the UK's most dissillusioned Vet, has today published his memoirs, entitled "All Creatures Grunt and Smell".

There was a reunion for school dunces at the Albert Hall last night, where 3000 people attended and all stood in the same corner.

There was disruption at the Aston Martin car factory today, when a Junior Manager went on strike after he was locked out of the Executive toilets. He stated that if he didn't get a satisfactory explanation, he would go over his bosses head.

Doris Clagthorpe, Britain's only woman Lighthouse keeper, was given a final warning today, for insisting on closing the curtains when it got dark.

Chaos reigned at The Pink Pussy Club in Mayfair yesterday, when Gladys the cross eyed stripper pranced on to the stage, and took all the clothes off the nearby pianist.

Albert Crumb, Britain's longest serving Post Office counter clerk, retired today after 45 years service. As colleagues queued to shake his hand, he told them all to go to the next window and went for lunch.

Damn.

That's funny!

True, the Lord does enjoy himself...doesn't he.

Hamster Outrage!

Dateline: Stately A2K Manor, located somewhere near Intercourse, Pennsylvania

Today, hamsters worldwide were shocked when it was reported by Yahoo News that they do not make good household pets.

Ms. Snuffles, A2K Hamstress Extraordinaire and Spokesrodent said, "Why, you'd think we were disease-ridden or something! Oh, we are? Well, maybe a little. Mr. Snuffy sometimes doesn't wash perfectly correctly. And then there's the matter of Messrs. Fluffybutt and Furcritter engaging in, let's just say, unnatural acts with a Swiffer mop head and a bit of cloth from what I believe is the Ratzenhofer overalls. We had it DNA tested and it contains, oh horrors! I can barely utter it aloud!"

After much encouragement, mainly in the form of small bottles of Chardonnay, see: , she managed to find the courage to continue her tale of woe.

"The overall piece of cloth -- I mean, the bit of cloth from the Ratzenhofer overalls -- was from the bib part apparently. And it contained, oh, the humanity! It, it contained -- sheep slobber!"

Ms. Snuffles then broke down in tears and could not be comforted, no matter how many tiny airline bottles of scotch were offered to her. She did, however, take the bottles anyway.

Credit crunch hits Japanese banking system!



In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up
and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will
likely go for a song. Shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended
after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks; Ninja Bank is
reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report
that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank. It is feared
that creditors may get a raw deal.

JESUS IS COMING!!!



Jesus is coming!


Jesus is coming!!


Better put the kettle on and put out the *good* china, I s'pose. Does the bible say anything about muffins?

Loaves and fishes, baby. So put on your good overalls -- we're goin' to Long John Silver's!

Outstanding!

Actually it's gonna be hard to put a light afternoon tiffen on with all that carrying on outside when the big Jo Co turns up.

There will be the hosts of heaven fighting the Antichrist and his minions all over the place. Fire falling from the sky and lakes of burning sulpher replacing the lawn in most suburban areas. Bad luck if the Whore of Babylon decides to plant her monster fat many-horned ass on your neighbourhood.

Even Christ would have some problems about choosing tea/coffee, fat/low fat/dairy creamer with those distractions; 'Thanks for the snack, must go off to vanquish Satan and set up a thousand-year Paradise here on Earth. You can use a mixture of lemon juice and bicarb of soda to get that 'ichor of the spawn of Hell' off the couch. No, I don't think your regular house insurance is going to cover that damage".

Jesus as insurance adjuster. Yeah, I can see that.

Then look no further my friend. Did the Lord not say:
"Blessed are the assurance-makers for they shall reckon their acturial tables in the very shadow of Heaven?"