Weekly A2K News!!!

Oh my - this is gettin' weird...Reyn.

Now cop this!


A2k STALWART IMMORTALIZED


In an announcement today by A2k Grand Imperial Poobah, Craven de Kere, it was revealed that Sozobe, "A jewel in A2k's crown" is to be immortalized in an "action figure".

"You will be able to have your very own Sozobe at home" enthused Mr de Kere, "she only costs a few dollars at the A2k shop. We think this is a fantastic way to honour Soz, and make money at the same time. She has her own riveter!"


The Sozobe figure.

When asked if any other A2k glitterati were to be immortalised similarly, Mr de Kere said shyly: "Well, I DID use myself as the model for the Edgar Allen Poe figure, but I hadn't planned to tell anybody that. That raven had sharp claws, dammit!"


The Poe figure, modelled upon Mr de Kere.

Mr de Kere became irate when asked if this announcement was being used to distract the media from the ongoing speculation about his hamster experience.

"Just what the hell is so riveting about hamsters? I have a good mind to get rid of them, and use rats, or gerbils instead. Hamsters aren't the only damn rodents in the world."

A2K porn fan forced to do sit-ups
Police forced nearly 200 film goers to do ten sit ups each for watching a porn film. Two A2Kers tried to escape the police, but were captured. The audience, in New York City, also had to promise never to watch porn again. It's part of a new police tactic of trying to prevent pornographic movies from being screened. Instead of prosecuting theater-owners, the police are trying to scare their audience away.

The police team, acting on a tip-off, raided the theatre and detained the audience. Among those arrested were Kickycan and and his friend, Slappy Doo Hoo, who had driven to New York to visit Kicky. They were taken to a public place and made to do 10 sit-ups each.

"Earlier, we acted against the theater owners and their staff. But it failed to effectively check illegal screening of obscene movies. So we decided to crack down on the audience," the police said.

The audience also included a large number of truant schoolchildren below 17. Their parents were called by the police and made to witness the punishment.

Kicky and Slappy admitted doing the sit-ups was worth it as it enhanced their "Stud" reputation with women. "The cops will never scare us away," they boasted as they strutted down the street among swooning females.

Thanks! I specialize in weird and interesting.

Good story, and love the action figures! This should peek Sozobe's interest....hehe!

Politics Makes for Strange Bedfellows

Dateline: Truth or Consequences, New Mexico

In an unusual runoff election, apparently held because the residents had nothing better to do with their time, A2K's own dyslexia was elected mayor of Truth or Consequences, New Mexico on a platform of "if elected, I will not serve". The new First Lady of the Land of Enchantment, Diane, is reportedly proud and cautiously optimistic, given dys's grand campaign promise during some fierce electioneering.

In order to keep his promise, he is staying at home and posting on A2K. Local resident devriesj said, "Well, technically, he's doing what he said he'd do. Hell, I'd vote for him again if I could! In fact, let me pile up a bunch of votes for him, for the next three or four election cycles. You can just parcel them out as needed, okay?"

In dys's absence, second runner-up Lash will be running the city. Her cryptic comment was, "You don't need blue teeth to know about the aliens."

This reporter believes there are some strange doings in New Mexico, and not just in Roswell. Canadian correspondents could not be reached for confirmation as something is apparently jamming the transmission.

More on this story as events unfold.

Amazing Convergence

Dateline: Provo, Utah

Stunned onlookers at a Citgo station just outside of Provo reported that three shadowy figures were pumping gas, accepting cash and credit cards from customers and washing windshields.

Local authorities positively identified two of the three -- now known as The Pumphouse Gang -- as A2K's own blueveinedthrobber and farmerman. The third was brunette and wore a large white (albeit a bit grease-stained) jumpsuit littered with rhinestones. He had a pronounced lip curl and a Memphis accent, and only answered to "E. Aron".

Graceland could not immediately be reached for comment, but colorbook said, "It could be him, you know, the King of Rock and Roll, but no one's really sure, plus that jumpsuit seems to be all-cotton and I understand Mr. Presley favored polyester blends. Still, he is dreamy. So it's a definite maybe, but I have to say the whole thing about washing the windshields tips it into the realm of fantasy for me."

Francis sues magazine

AFP - Paris.

Francis has attacked France Weekly for publishing private photos of his escapade on idyllic location in Southern Europe last June. In a post on their Web site, Francis also took the opportunity to thank Paris Star magazine, which had been offered the photos earlier but had declined to publish them as an invasion of privacy.

Francis writes: "I am disturbed by the photos and article that appeared in this week's issue of France Weekly magazine, which they call my 'private love album'. Mademoiselle X and I chose a resort location where we were promised absolute privacy and seclusion."

"Unfortunately staff members took photographs of us, which we allowed them to take once we were assured they were being taken only for private use in a scrap book they gave us as a souvenir of our stay. Other magazines, including Univers, contacted us when presented with these photographs and refused to publish them. Mademoiselle X and I thank those other magazines for respecting our rights of privacy."

Paris Star Editor-in-chief Jean Durand said he was pleased to see the magazine thanked for its decision not to run the photos. He added, "When we were offered these photos we spoke to Francis's people, and when they made it clear how important it was to him and Mademoiselle X to respect their privacy, we decided not to publish them. We hope they enjoyed their vacation!"

Sorry about that! I was covering a breaking sasquatch sighting.

Wow - if you didn't know better it looks like a picture of shewolfnm and francis.

I wish I looked like that...

hmmmmm!!!!!

GERBIL SCANDAL ENGULFS A2K


Craven de Kere called a press conference today to scotch rumours that his mega-site, Able2know, had employed gerbils.

The rumours began after Mr de Kere made a throw-away comment that he was sick of all the fuss about the hamsters, and might use rats or gerbils instead.

"It's hamsters all the way down" he said today, "not elephants, or turkles, but HAMSTERS. Oh, and some people.

Not that I see any reason for all this prejudice - it's not their fault that that old actor - what's his name - Richard Rear? - used them for unspeakable purposes. That's all you old people can think about - sex - well, it's not the sixties now. I almost never think about sex, personally. I don't have the time. I'm WORKING. Leave the damned trees alone, all you old hippies, and get with the program. Sheesh.

Anyway - the only animals we employ are hamsters. So leave us the hell alone. OK?"

It was at this point that a member of the audience, who insisted on remaining anonymous, but is thought to be a member of A2k, came forward with a series of photographs.




Anonymous A2k member.


"Then what are THESE!" he shouted.

We reproduce the photographs - said to have been taken secretly by an A2k whistle-blower, below:



Gerbils at the A2k Christmas party.


A2k gerbil rising in the morning


Gerbil corps de ballet at A2k concert.


Gerbils having a coffee break


gerbil at A2k work station.

Mr de Kere, upon examining the photographs, said: "Hellifino - they look like hamsters to me - all those fluffy-butts look alike. You say they're gerbils? I'll look into it."

Mr de Kere was unmoved by the barrage of questions and insinuations that followed. "I said I'll look into it - censure me all you like - but you'll look stupid whan they turn out to be hamsters."

The American Hamster Fancy has announced its intention to sue Mr de Kere for slander against hamsterkind: "It's just not right" they said, "hamsters have feelings too, you know - as do gerbils I dare say. All fluffy butts look the same to me indeed!"

OMG!!

This is gonna be SO much fun!!!

STILLWATER'S GOSSIP PAGES

Which A2K secret couple have had a visit from the stork and want to keep it their little secret? A 7lb 12oz secret? Don't think so!!



Send your baby booties (and ear-warmers, extra-large) to Miss L and Mr G R-----r care of A2K 'We-know-what-you-did-last-summer!" postdrop....

...and who'd just busted out of prison - again!!



Our very own Slappy! We all knew you would find a way around that unfortunate incident with the midgit, the crate of fake watches, the Mexican hooker and that donkey!!

Which of our feline friends has succumbed to the lure of of cable TV and the bottle?????



Can it be margo????

Nope!! Msolga???

...face down in the kibble again Kitty? Stay off the catnip...

Welcome to all new correspondents from around the globe ....

Pumphouse Gang Strikes the Mother Country!

Dateline: Leeds, England

Changing their name to the Petrol Gang, the nefarious gasoline-loving trio added Clary and the prince to their collection of rogue windshield washers. Clary acted as a distraction by answering trivia questions whereas the prince hypnotised all with his -- ahem -- eyes and electric blue teeth.

"They just came out of nowhere!" wailed husker, who was in town scouting locations for a rumored film. "I was just minding my own business, asking about the capital of Ethiopia and where Waldo is, that sort of thing, when suddenly the gas tank was filled and the windows were washed! I'm scared, somebody hold me."

The gang is reportedly headed Down Under, but this new information has yet to be confirmed. More details as they come in on this late-breaking story.

Film making and frolic in England!

Dateline: Merseyside, England

Lightwizard and boomerang were recently in talks to make a musical about the Politics forum. The movie would star cjhsa, fishin', Bumblebeeboogie, Foxfyre, edgarblythe, FreeDuck, Frank Apisa and Baldimo (as the Beaver).

The epic film reportedly takes place in 13th century Scotland with Yiddish subtitles. No word yet on whether -- as in the book -- the film will be made entirely in the nude, including the director, crew and publicity and catering staff. Algis.Kemezys is said to be in talks to direct, but he has been delayed due to the presence of Canadian aliens surrounding his home, demanding parts in the picture.

More details as they become available.