Weekly A2K News!!!

Pope Ratzenhofer To Visit the New World

Dateline: Vatican City

New Pontiff Gustavratzenhofer is reportedly ready to leave St. Peter's and venture out to a swamp somewhere in the United States. A spokesman for His Hairiness said, "He hears the call of the wild capybara."

Preparations were being made at Okefenokee Swamp, including locking up all women between the ages of 18 and 108, penning all sheep and firing the organist at the local ballpark. No one really knows why the organist was fired; apparently that was just something that happened during the excitement.

Merchants reported overall sales were up, as in, they had sold lots of overalls.

That's brilliant, jes!

<thinking, thinking>

Yes, I meant to reply when I saw this this morning. I can think of a lot of items but they are all too real...

<bm>

<peek>

<grin>

pleez, mum -- can we have s'more??

It has been alleged that Michael Jackson has gotten permission to exhume the body of Tiny Tim, infamous for his thrilling rendition of "Tiptoe Through the Tulips". Jackson has planned to have Mr. Tim stuffed, and given a place of honor in the formal dining room at Mr. Jackson's Neverland ranch.

When asked why he wanted to do this, Mr. Jackson stated that he felt an affinity with Mr. Tim, who, like Rodney Dangerfield, got no respect during his lifetime. Mr. Jackson believes that this tribute to Mr. Tim, will elevate this great man to the prominence he never attained during his life, before the eyes of the world.

Thank you, roving reporter Phoenix32890.

Good morning, gentle readers.

Kickycan and Ossobucco seen canoodling in Italy

Dateline: Rome

Scandal! Scandal! Scandal in the land of Roman sandals!

Kickycan and ossobucco were reportedly seen together taking in the sights of romantic Italy, including a dip in Venice and gladiatorial combat in the ancient city of the seven hills. osso is apparently rather handy with a crossbow, this reporter understands.

Stunned onlookers noted that the twosome -- reported to be intoxicated by a daring mixture of pesto and puttanesca sauce -- were spending a lot of time debating the merits of squid ink versus sun-dried tomatoes, and then annoying the tourists by calling all pasta "noodles" or "that starchy stuff they don't let you have on Atkins" and claiming that "Franco-American is just as good, plus it's so convenient!"

Mothers hid their children while osso and kicky ran up and down the streets of Rome, yelling that tomorrow is Wednesday, which we all know is Prince Spaghetti Day.

Somewhere in New York, celebrity chef Mario Batali wept.

A2K to Hold Annual Drinking Contest

Reuters- Special Announcement- Saturday August 6, 2005


There will be 1000 overflowing beer kegs lining beautiful
A2K Street, along with a twenty story high stack of Styrofoam cups.
A parade at 9am will kick off the day's festivities that will feature live music, dancing, and karaoke singing.
Last year's contest was a big success! Some of the top games included "Drinking under the table," Bathtub Beer Dunk Splash," and the most famous, "All Male Wet Tee-shirt" contest.

Whoever will get WASTED enough to take the trophy this year, remains to be seen--- last year's winner is still recovering.

There will be lots of fun and many games for all ages--so please bring the whole family for this spectacular gala affair.

PLEASE NOTE: Because of the near fatalities last year, NO debating will be allowed in any of the beer tents!

Hope to see you all there!




Hmmm, I wonder who won last year

OOO tell me more stories... stories are fun!! :-)

heh

WOMAN ACCUSED OF MURDERING SKUNK IN COLD BLOOD



Late yesterday afternoon an innocent skunk was crossing the road in middle America. An innocent, kind skunk who had ventured away from her nest to seek food for her babies. At approximately 4:15 a crazed-looking woman (photo above) emerged screaming from a nearby house and wielding a large kitchen knife. Before the skunk had a chance the woman was upon it. Death came quickly.

The woman is being questioned by local authorities and the young skunks have been placed in a foster home.

Christians Terrorized in New Jersey Park

Dateline - New Jersey

Several Christians were found scattered on a road in New Jersey today. Witnesses said that they were the victim of a ranting old man with white hair. He could be heared making incoherent remarks as he drove his car into the crowd that was preparing to have a picnic lunch on a grassy knoll.

Several of those at the scene rushed to provide whatever aid they could. Descriptions of the perpetrator were somewhat sketchy and some thought they saw the mark of the devil on the man's forehead. A wild eyed, tanned man was seen leaving the scene in what appeared to be a rusted out Lada.

Authorities are investigating all leads and have posted this picture that was taken by a bystander. They believe it to be of the suspect. Of course, that is just a guess.

<polishes her crossbow>

Excellent reportage, but what else can one expect from such a great writing staff?

And Pope Ratzenhofer! Good to see your Pontifical duties aren't so overwhelming that you can't do other things.

Cowboy in Porsche Sets Land Speed Record

Dateline: Albuquerque (AP)

Six state troopers were killed in a massive pile-up on I-40 just east of Albuquerque today when they attempted to stop a speeding sportscar. Fourteen additional officers were taken to a nearby hospital where they were treated for minor injuries and released.

Witnesses say a long-haired cowboy in a red Porsche blew past their roadblock, scattering police cruisers and officers in all directions. Amateur photographers at the scene recorded images that show the driver extending one arm out of his window and raising his middle finger in a defiant gesture toward the police vehicles before plowing into them.

Radar detectors in several of the shattered cruisers clocked the Porsche at speeds in excess of 200mph.

An officer at the scene said the description of the Porsche and its driver matched that of a well-known traffic violater in the area. They quickly obtained a search warrant for the suspect's home, where they found computer files indicating the man was expecting visitors from Oklahoma. They are uncertain as to why this news produced such panic. An investigation has so far uncovered a note left on the kitchen table saying, "Okladamnhoma? I'm outta here!" The investigation is ongoing.

The car was last seen heading west at high speed.

rofl

Eva
Eva, when Dys returned home, he was laughing so hard he peed on the kitchen floor. He said he fooled them dumb cops by putting Fred (the parrot) behind the wheel of the red Porsche. The cops didn't know whether to conduct the pursuit by car or by helicopter.

Fred just schreeched!

BBB