Weekly A2K News!!!

This just in.....
The Raleigh Spectator
August 4, 2005

A man identified as the BlueVeinedThrobber was seen running through the aisles of WalMart clutching a stuffed PolarBear. Witnesses thought the man was going to Bi the bear, but they were proven wrong at the last moment.

BlueVeinedThrobber was followed to a karaoke bar where he wrapped the bear in what appeared to be long strands of hair. He threw a dart at a picture of George W. Bush before rushing out into the night. He was chased by several of the bar patrons, who have been identified as Frank Apisa, Mr. McGentrix and a woman in red.

Mr. Throbber seemed to be clutching his stomach as me made a mad dash from the now crazed crowd. Several dozen onlookers had joined the chase and things were now becoming desperate for the bear thief.

The man was heard to be singing as he dashed off into the darkness of a humid North Carolina night.

FOLLOW UP

Christians Terrorized In New Jersey Park Were All From CHS

Dateline New Jersey, August 4, 2005 - Yesterdays edition of A2K News included a front page story of Christians having been run down by a white haired madman, but failed to indicate that no New Jersey Christians are at risk.

"All of the victims were CHS students from Ohio," said Lt. Ima Nostick of the New Jersey State Highway Patrol. "We have reason to believe that this was part of a larger plot, but will not comment further until our investigation is complete, except to emphasize that no New Jersey Christians are at risk."

Lt. Nostick was then heard to snicker and mumble to the officer to her right, "New Jersey Christians. Is that one of those oxymorons?"

An inbedded reporter with A2K News was able to get a statement from the reported madman, who has been captured and is being held without bond.

According to said "madman" who spoke on condition of anonymity, "It was Gods will."

No other news today???

Or, did I say something wrong?

(Lt. Nostic was NOT undercover OR covert according to my administrative sources)

Re: Eva


Oh no, I'm not questioning their expertise! Not at all! I merely wondered whether they were more knowledgable about holy miracles or toast. Purely journalistic curiosity, you know.

(I suspect toast.)

Woman Injured in Drinking Contest

Dateline: Albuquerque, NM


Investigators on the scene of today's massive bed breakdown have determined that the catastrophe was in fact caused by a beer drinking contest.

Partygoers at the home of Bumblebeeboogie, a colorful local personality known for placing red lights in her windows, had apparently consumed three kegs of imported Irish beer and were beginning on a fourth when BBB, as she is known, suggested they all use her double bed as a trampoline. The first person to lick the ceiling, according to witnesses, was to receive a one-way ticket to Ireland.

As Ms. Boogie was being lifted into the ambulance, witnesses say she vowed to hold the contest again next month and every month thereafter until someone successfully licked her ceiling. A few of the witnesses were not entirely sure she said "ceiling" due to her slurred speech, but assumed that is what she said.

Representatives of the Guinness Brewing Company could not be reached for comment.

Eva
Eva, the secret to defeating the ceiling lickers is my high vaulted ceilings throughout my home. Only NASA has the technology to rocket the licker imbibers to such heights.

Hold on a minute, I think I hear someone yelling "we have lift off!"

Damn, it's only Fred the parrot chasing the humming birds again.

BBB

http://www.unc.edu/depts/outdoor/av/2000pics/newpics/greatpassion.jpg

Eva's welcoming committee
Eva and her family are expected in Albuquerque Saturday. BBB plans to roll out the red carpet to welcome them.

http://www.unc.edu/depts/outdoor/av/2000pics/newpics/stephenfoster.jpg

Re: Eva


LMTO! LMTO!

A2K's own legal experts vie for anticipated seat on Supreme Court

Dateline: Washington, DC

In a rare move designed to fill Chief Justice Rehnquist's Supreme Court seat before he steps down and/or dies, the Senate has announced that they will be looking for a new Justice. In an American Idol-style competition, thousands of contestants were weeded out until only A2K's own joefromchicago and Debra_Law remained. They are expected to compete in arm wrestling, a talent show, dog milking and, of course, a swimsuit competition.

joefromchicago reportedly has his own cheering section, led by Bella Dea, Ticomaya, Eva, Setanta and anyone else with a screen name ending in "a". The group is calling themselves "The Vowel Movement" and is expected to be quite popular with a rare coalition of linguists and proctologists.

Debra_Law, on the other hand, has in her corner a number of refugees from the Relationships & Marriage forum, but unfortunately they mainly run around in circles and continually ask "will he call?", "can he ever stop looking at porn?" and "how do I spice up my love life?" Former Attorney General John Ashcroft has sought to squelch these semi-salacious inquiries and has tried -- to no avail -- to cover the entire group with $8000 worth of opaque fabric.

Call-in voting for the Supreme Court nominee of your choice will commence at 8 PM this evening, Eastern Daylight Time. Call 1-202-479-3030 or key in IDOLJUSTICE on your cel phone.

Chief Justice Rehnquist, when reached for comment, stated, "I'm not dead yet!" as he stooped to avoid a swooping vulture.

HAMSTERS RELEASE A2K GRAND IMPERIAL POOHBAH

In a shock announcement today it was revealed that hamsters at popular internet site, Able2know, had held the site owner and creator, Mr. Craven de Kere, as a prisoner for some weeks.

The hamster leader, Ms Snuffles, at a press conference today, confessed that the hamsters had created a ventriloquist's dummy in Mr de Kere's likeness, and had manipulated it at video conferences with senior site executives.

Using the dummy, and doctored recordings of Mr de Kere's voice, the hamsters secured for themselves such luxuries as golden wheels, spa baths, gourmet food, hour long shifts and foreign holidays.

"It was great while it lasted" said Ms Snuffles. "I suppose we all knew it would end at some point."




Ms Snuffles at the press conference.

"The dummy malfunctioned" said Ms Snuffles. "The mouth stopped working properly - it went all lopsided. That's when we knew the jig was up. We weren't going to be able to fool Mr de Kere's colleagues any more."




A photograph of the malfunctioning dummy.


"We'll miss the video games the most" said Hammy, an associate of Ms Snuffles, "they were super!"



Mr Hammy in happier days.


"It's not all bad news" said Ms Snuffles, "we are still negotiating with de Kere to keep some of the good stuff, in return for certain....ah...personal services he has come to enjoy.

Ms Snuffles refused to comment further on the nature of the services.

"We aren't stupid gerbils, you know - we know that you never reveal the details of delicate business negotiations!" she said.

"Anyway, to be frank, we are a little relieved it is all over - it took twelve of us every hour just to keep him in chess partners! And we created a local potato shortage keeping him supplied with vodka from the secret hamster still. And TALK! I don't think some of us will ever be the same. Snowy and Goldie, who "handled" him for most of the time, for instance, look totally stuffed. They haven't talked in days."

"And we have struck a blow for hamsterkind! Nobody will EVER think of us as just cute little fluffybutts again."



Snowy and Goldie after their ordeal

Mr de Kere refused to comment - but, when a reporter managed to ask him how he had found his ordeal, as he was bundled into a car on his way to a medical check-up, he replied: "It wasn't ALL bad - they're just kind of cute little fluffybutts, really. I just hope that dummy hasn't screwed up my job."

It is understood that the American Humane Society intends to examine the contract being drawn up between the hamsters and Mr de Kere, but "not until Mr de Kere has recovered from his ordeal" said a spokesperson today - "We're not utter bastards, you know! But we do have to protect the cute little fluffybutts."


Ms Jespah, the site's chief executive said today "We're just glad to have him back, although we hadn't actually noticed he was gone. Those hamsters are very talented. Who knew they weren't just cute little fluffybutts! We shall be installing security cameras."

Northern Neighbor Invaded!!!

Dateline: Toronto, somewhere near the Danforth

Several independent reports confirm that Canada is apparently being overrun by space aliens. The aliens evidently landed last week and have already taken up positions of power in horse racing, gymnastics and modeling children's clothing.

"You see, they're kinda, to be planetarily politically correct, well, vertically challenged." said ehBeth, a shocked local resident. "Very clean, kind of cute, with electric blue teeth. The teeth are mesmerizing, so I'd advise you not get too close."

More details on this story as it develops.

SPECULATION MOUNTS AS TO HOW HAMSTERS TRAPPED DE KERE

The question of how the A2k hamsters managed to entrap their employer may have been answered today.

Internet circles had been rocking with speculation, since, as an anonymous, but highly placed, source in the A2k organization commented yesterday: "He may have his faults, but none of them is stupidity."

Ms Snuffles, the A2k hamster leader, has refused to comment. "Don't be ridiculous" she said from hiding yesterday "as if we are going to reveal our methods! Now, go away, I need to groom myself in peace. And I better not see any "fluffybutt" references in whatever stupid drivel you write."



Ms Snuffles speaks from hiding.

However, in an exclusive interview with this reporter, a number of A2k members and executives - on condition that the strictest anonymity be maintained about their identities - agreed to share their well-based thoughts on the means of entrapment used.


Ms X, a long-time member, said: "They used the cruelest inducement of all to get him down to the hamster wing. Little k's left underwire. It's plausible - they keep their little fluffy butts close to the ground - they see things, and can get under things, the rest of us can't. I think it is cruel what those other webmasters are saying - they are just scared - they all run on hamster labour, it could happen to anyone. They are just looking to denigrate someone else so they can think it is his fault."


Ms X seen only in silhouette to preserve her anonymity.

A chorus of agreement greeted her words.

"You see" said Mr Y, "Little k's left underwire has become a sort of Holy Grail for the men of A2k. She first lost it on Abuzz, but its loss has become a legend here, too."


Mr Y speaks out.

"Absolutely" said Messrs Brown, Impaler, Sue and X (not their real names). We all keep trying to find it, in the hope that the man who returns it to her will be...well...greeted very warmly by her. Yes - we hope that the left underwire will get us on her right side - as it were."



"They're right" said three anonymous A2k female members, "the woman is a goddess - no wonder the guys want to find that underwire. Craven actually drew it into an avatar he made for Little k - that tells us how much HE wanted to find it!"


Three anonymous female A2k members.

So - has the mystery been solved? Is this how a bunch of cute little fluffybutts managed to entrap the genius behind Able2know?

This writer believes the truth has been revealed.

Style Style Style!

Dateline: New York, Paris, Milan and Other Couturier-Rich Zones

Phoenix32890 has been crowned the newest stylemiestress during the fall shows (which, of course, happen during the summer). Green is the new black!

"Really, it's astounding, it just looks so, so natural, and, well, like blue and yellow mixed together, y'know?" said designer Letty. "Everybody loves green."

"And it's so slimming! It even looks good with blue teeth!" enthused BlaiseDailey.

All knew the trend had hit the mainstream when Mr. Greenjeans of the old Captain Kangaroo children's television program had been cited by more than 6% of the population as a "hero for our time" or the "guy I'd most like to date".

Miracle Tortilla Bears Little K's Underwire Image

Wth tears in his eyes Nils Vungerston of Boise, Idaho, carefully displayed his miraculous tortilla for a WA2KN exclusive.

"I pulled the tortilla from the grill and there it was" said Nils "a perfect image of littlek's lost underwire".



This latest image leads to increased speculation that littlek may have lost her underwire somewhere in Mexico or perhaps a Mexican restaruant somewhere near Boston.

WA2KN's psychic restraunt critics are rushing to imagine themselves through the complete yellow pages of Mexican Restaurants in the Metro-Boston area.

Im definitely more about toast than holy miracles...

I'd also like to clear things up a bit by saying that I am strictly a toast pro and all else is simply inspired by my sex sense, or is that sixth sense.
Either way, it's all about the toast.

WORLD EXCLUSIVE!
Experiment with Wilbur, the moose, gone awry!


Wilbur with his new legs.

Must Read News
George Fingle
May 28, 2005

Today the Canadian Institute For Marvellous Discoveries, based in Manitoba, announced that their experimentation on a moose had taken an unexpected turn. As the above photo shows, Wilbur has developed a set of human legs.

"The original experiment was to clone Wilbur and see if it could be done on a large animal", says Garth Smitts, chief scientist at the Institute in charge of the test. "Somewhere along the way, something went horribly wrong!"

Sally Smeckley, who was running another cloning experiment in an adjoining lab to Smitts, thinks she may know what happened. "In my test, I was cloning parts of humans and seeing if it would work. Specifically, I was using my own legs for this experiment. I believe I carried a vial of extract to Garth's lab while I was looking for some cream for my coffee. Us scientists are such an absent-minded lot, you know. Anyways, I presume that he accidently used it with his test on Wilbur and kinda "cross-pollinated" him, so to speak."


Smitts is still hoping that something good can come out of his experiment with the moose.


"Oops, but I think Wilbur looks great with my legs, don'tcha think?"

Baby born with deformed tongue!

Must Read News
George Fingle
May 29, 2005

Dan and Maria Fletcher revealed today that their recently born son, Bryan, was born with an unusually long tongue.


Baby Bryan shows off his lengthy tongue for the press.

The couple said that they've tried to keep the story under wraps for a couple of weeks, but the neighbors and townsfolk had been talking when they were taking Bryan out in public. They thought it best to hold a news conference with Dr. Purpora, who is their doctor.

"Bryan is perfectly healthy", Purpora said. "The only problem is that he has a very rare disorder. I'd tell you the name of it, but I can't quite remember it right now. It's just on the tip of my tongue."


Doctor Purpora delivered the Fletchers' baby.

"Despite his tongue, Bryan is a happy boy", says his parents. We hope he will grow up to have a normal life.


"We love our son, no matter what!", quipped Dan Fletcher.