HAMSTERS RELEASE A2K GRAND IMPERIAL POOHBAH
In a shock announcement today it was revealed that hamsters at popular internet site, Able2know, had held the site owner and creator, Mr. Craven de Kere, as a prisoner for some weeks.
The hamster leader, Ms Snuffles, at a press conference today, confessed that the hamsters had created a ventriloquist's dummy in Mr de Kere's likeness, and had manipulated it at video conferences with senior site executives.
Using the dummy, and doctored recordings of Mr de Kere's voice, the hamsters secured for themselves such luxuries as golden wheels, spa baths, gourmet food, hour long shifts and foreign holidays.
"It was great while it lasted" said Ms Snuffles. "I suppose we all knew it would end at some point."
Ms Snuffles at the press conference.
"The dummy malfunctioned" said Ms Snuffles. "The mouth stopped working properly - it went all lopsided. That's when we knew the jig was up. We weren't going to be able to fool Mr de Kere's colleagues any more."
A photograph of the malfunctioning dummy.
"We'll miss the video games the most" said Hammy, an associate of Ms Snuffles, "they were super!"
Mr Hammy in happier days.
"It's not all bad news" said Ms Snuffles, "we are still negotiating with de Kere to keep some of the good stuff, in return for certain....ah...personal services he has come to enjoy.
Ms Snuffles refused to comment further on the nature of the services.
"We aren't stupid gerbils, you know - we know that you never reveal the details of delicate business negotiations!" she said.
"Anyway, to be frank, we are a little relieved it is all over - it took twelve of us every hour just to keep him in chess partners! And we created a local potato shortage keeping him supplied with vodka from the secret hamster still. And TALK! I don't think some of us will ever be the same. Snowy and Goldie, who "handled" him for most of the time, for instance, look totally stuffed. They haven't talked in days."
"And we have struck a blow for hamsterkind! Nobody will EVER think of us as just cute little fluffybutts again."
Snowy and Goldie after their ordeal
Mr de Kere refused to comment - but, when a reporter managed to ask him how he had found his ordeal, as he was bundled into a car on his way to a medical check-up, he replied: "It wasn't ALL bad - they're just kind of cute little fluffybutts, really. I just hope that dummy hasn't screwed up my job."
It is understood that the American Humane Society intends to examine the contract being drawn up between the hamsters and Mr de Kere, but "not until Mr de Kere has recovered from his ordeal" said a spokesperson today - "We're not utter bastards, you know! But we do have to protect the cute little fluffybutts."
Ms Jespah, the site's chief executive said today "We're just glad to have him back, although we hadn't actually noticed he was gone. Those hamsters are very talented. Who knew they weren't just cute little fluffybutts! We shall be installing security cameras."