what's your take on this now? long

LOL! So true Osso ;-)

Mutual astonishment, and mutual frustration!

Couldn't have said it better, Osso & Debra....

re
i talked to him last night. It was basically the same conversation we've been having. He is a recovering alcoholic just to remind people. When he called me yesterday to tell me he was going skiing he said, i need to the exercise and this is good for me mentally, you know that dont you? He said he wanted to come see me monday night. I need more than monday night.

So last night he says, i have told you before, i cannot be the conventional boyfriend that you are looking for. He says, i like spending time with you, i like having you in my life, talking to you, e-mailing with you. He said that i seem to think he's going to be able to turn his life around in 5 days. He said i need to give him time until he 'comes around.' He said he cannot plan his weekends around me and i shouldnt either. I dont! but i would like to see him. He said he feels like i give him ultimatums when i ask where things are going. He was like, what should we open a bank account together, or plan our wedding? i said F you when he said that and how dare he be so conceited to think i'd want something with him on that level. He said he doesnt feel like people should ask where is this going, and the the relationship should just evolve on its own and if it's meant to be it will be.

I told him that it was rude for him to change plans. He said he doesnt want to feel like he cant go out and do things. He said the people he's going skiing with are old friends who he hasnt seen in a while. HE told me about 10 times that he has nothign going on with anyone else and that i can put a camera on his back if he wants. I told him that maybe we shouldnt talk anymore. He said he doesnt want that and that he has feelings for me and is emotionally involved.

I just need to get rid of these feelings i have for him or i will continue to hurt. He said he needed to hang up the phone last night because things were becoming too emtional and intense for him and that he'd talk to me today. I just want someone that i can make plans with for the upcoming weekend-he cant even give me that. However it is so difficult because of these feelings that i have for him to just walk away. He might have feelings but when it comes down to it he wants to just see me when it's convenient for him. He also told me, you know i have dated people before and i have never had to deal with anything like this. Do i really sound unreasonable? I didnt see him last weekend, wont see him this weekend, and wont see him the weekend after that. Am i abnormal for feeling upset?
I just dont think i can continue to have feelings/be with someone who cant even make weekend plans with me

Diana, do you have a blog? It would be a good place to keep track of all of your thoughts and concerns.

You don't want this man in your life. Really. You don't. He's a passive-aggressive alcoholic who barely has time for you and he does not give you what you need, much less what you want.

Re: re


Hello Diana,

You've said it all yourself. You need to get rid of these feelings or you will continue to hurt. It is difficult to walk away, but he is looking for a different kind of relationship than you are. You're only unreasonable in that he's been trying to tell you from the beginning that he isn't looking for the level of commitment you need and you've been too stuck on your feelings to hear his message. I don't think you should continue either. It will be hard at first but it is time for you to move on.

Re: re


You initiated a relationship with this man approximately three months ago. He's an alcoholic. He's starting a new job. He's in therapy. He falls off the wagon. He lost his driver's license. His life is a MESS and he's trying to fix it.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that this man has a lot on his plate right now. He needs to straighten out his life and become a stable human being. He has been honest with you from the start. He's not in a place in his life right now where he can be in a serious relationship.

You don't listen to what he told you. You demand that he call you every day; you demand that he immediately respond to all of your emails and text messages; and you demand that he make plans BY TUESDAY of every week to spend the weekend with you.

You want all of his time and attention and you whine and cry when you don't get it. He's sick and tired of having these conversations with you.

You are focusing on YOUR needs and you don't care one iota that the circumstances of his life do not allow him to focus all his time and attention on you. You are being unreasonable. And your unreasonableness gets worse and worse with every passing day. The more you try to control him, the more he's going to struggle to gain his freedom.

This relationship is not going to work out for you Diana. As much as HE needs to work on himself and his problems, YOU need to work on yourself even more.

Try being single for awhile.

I actually finally gave up on this one so haven't been saying much, but will just briefly chime in to say the same thing I've said 10,000 times before --

Yes, be single for a while. Continue to talk -- really talk -- to your therapist, adjust your medication if needed, and be purposely single for a stretch of time. Become self-sufficient. Learn how to meet your own needs. Learn to be someone who can go for 6 months without a boyfriend of any kind -- not a one-night stand, not a friend with benefits, not anyone vaguely romantic or sexual. Then you can move on and join the world of adults -- maybe even before you're 30.

diana
How many times has he told you that he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship right now? What part of that don't you understand? If you want to be in a serious relationship with someone who will worship the ground you walk on, then go find someone who is willing to cater to your constant selfish needs! Find a guy who wants to spend all his free time with you and stop tormenting this one who has told you a hundred times that he doesn't want the kind of committed relationship that you want.
The guy that you're with now doesn't want the same things you want and your going to have to accept that. The world doesn't stop simply because you want it to!
It is not unreasonable for you to want to spend some quality time with someone, but it is highly unreasonable for you to demand it of anyone.
All we hear from you is "I want" and you have to learn that you can't always get what you want.
This guy is a recovering alcoholic and your constant selfish whining to him is not going to help matters.
I'm surprised he hasn't ended it with you and your continuous complaining. He must be somewhat a glutton for punishment because I would have ran away from you a long time ago.
I don't even know why I'm wasting my breath because you are not listening to us anyway.

Must whole-heartedly agree with all the other frustrated replies.... you ARE being unreasonable. If you can't see that, go back and read this thread or your previous threads.

Try the single life, is my advice, and do it until you feel more like a whole person who doesn't Need a relationship.

You said that with such perfect grace!

re
i know, he just cant give me what i want and i dont think i'm asking for that much. I just want someone who wants me as much as i want them. what is so wrong about wanting someone to hang out with you on the weekend? His philosophy is, i'll see you when i see you. yet he says he has feelings for me. ok sure. If you really like someone it's more than, i'll see you when i see you.

You barely even know this man. Yet, after three months, you want a commitment from him to call you everyday and to spend every weekend with you.

He might like you to a certain extent, but he feels that you are suffocating him with your demands.

What will you want next, he asks? Will you want a joint checking account and will you want to start planning a wedding?

For crying out loud . . . you've only known him for three months.

There's a big difference between liking someone and turning yourself into a clinging vine.

re
he just seems to want me around at his convenience though. That's not fair and it's not healthy. I do like him, but i'm not putting anymore effort into this. If he wants me he can come find me.

Then dump him and move on!

re
i guess there's really nothing to dump. All i can do is just try not to have feelings for him-but i keep thinking about him.

Diana:

You said, "I just want someone who wants me as much as I want him."

You are NOT getting what you want from this man. He doesn't want to call you everyday nor does he want to make plans to spend every weekend with you.

He doesn't want you in the same way that you want him. He wants a casual, get together and have sex, once-in-awhile type relationship. The rest of his life is full with work, friends, and other activities. He doesn't need you to have a full life.

Why do you need him to have a full life? What do you have in YOUR life other than your constant whining and unhappiness because you're not spending your free time with a man?

Again, try being single for awhile. Start a new thread: "I'm living the single life, Yippeeee!"

re
all my friends have boyfriends that they're with constantly. Right now the single life really sucks for me.

Other than men, Diana . . . do you have any interests? How old are you?

Tell us about the things you enjoy.

re
I try to keep my life as full as i can. I work full time, i'm taking a writing class. Right now i am attempting to concentrate on a paper i have to write, i just got back from the gym. Later i will make a soup. I enjoy shopping, taking my dog for walks, spending time with friends/family.

You know Diana, that's the first glimpse that you have given that shows yourself as being more than one-dimensional.

Based on everything else you have written, all I saw was an obsessed girl who was drowning some poor man in her excessive neediness and anxieties. It's nice to see you in a different light.

Do you like to write? What kind of writing class are you taking? Creative writing, short stories, techinical writing? How's your paper going?