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Sun 13 Feb, 2005 03:05 pm
Ok, so i'm back with more questions about the same guy. He got home this past week and he and i spoke and e-mailed pretty much all week. We decided to get together over the weekend, so i drove up to his place friday evening. I hadnt seen him in about a month. So we went out to a nice restaraunt, he seemed to know everyone there and they all came up and said hi. The conversation went well. We went home and watched a movie, we cuddled on the coach, but we hadnt kissed or anything (we've had sex before). So after the movie we went to bed. As soon as i climbed into bed with him things started happening and we ended up having sex. The next morning we had sex again, then he had an 8am appt wih his therapist. I picked him up when it was over, then we went out and did a little shopping.
He had mentioned the night before that he is going to be staying in the area now and has a new job at his fathers office. He talked a lot about the new job and what he'll be doing. So we went back to his place, watched some tv, walked his dog, talked about random things-but not about us. Everything pretty much came to a head when we discussed if i should spend the night again. He was like, i dont know if it would be a good idea. We were lying on his bed and i knew what kind of a conversation it would be so i just kind of turned my head the other way and listened.
He said that he feels like i want a serious relationship and he doesnt know if he can give me that right now (he's in aa for those who dont know). He said he cant say anythign bad about the two of us when we're together, he's attracted to me, cares for me and has fun with me but doenst know if he can take on the responsibility of my feelings. He said he is sensitive towards my feelings and that when we have sex he feels that things just keep getting taken to a higher level making him confused. He said it is great for him physically when we have sex, but mentally he is confused. i can be a baby when i dont get my way, and i guess all i was hearing and thinking was, he doesnt want me to spend the night again. HE doenst want to have sex with me. I started crying silently. He didnt know and went on to say how he feels that this is the right thing to do and he doesnt want me to think at all that it's him 'dismissing' me. He said he wants to date me and do things properly as he figures his life out and gets things back on track. I asked if i got him off track and he said, no you dont.
He said he wants to be able to come down to visit me (i'm about 45 minutes away) and doesnt want it to always just be me going to visit him. he said he'd feel better if things were equal. I asked if he thought we hadnt been doing things 'properly' so far and he just said that he and i kind of have differnet ideas of sex. He said, i just want to do the right thing, i'm trying to be responsible, i've never really had to be responsible so if anything you should be appreciative that im really thinking of your feelings. he saw that i was crying and he kissed me and told me not to be upset. I said, you know i'm senstive, he said, i know you are, that's one of the things i like about you and that's why i always tease you about it. He kept assuring me taht he wants to continue to see me/spend time with me, but he just needs to think about what he's doing in his life and if he should be in a serious relationship. I told him that i never said i was looking for this ultra serious relationship and he said, well then this shouldnt be upsetting you. I think he and i might have different ideas on what a serious relationship is...but apparently to him it's being responsible for somebody else's feelings.
So then we went downstairs, and he put on willy nelson's, always on my mind and said it was for me and lip sychned part of it to me. WE went to dinner after that and i ended up later telling him that i felt rejected and he said was the opposite of how i should feel. He assured me that he was going to call me and e-mail me and wants to see me thursday. He seemed to be saying a lot more to me than he ever had, he was being very complimentary towards me. Then at one point he said he was afraid i was going to be mad at him and not speak to him. After dinner i drove him and he told me to call him when i got home to make sure i got home ok. He kissed me goodbye and told me how much he liked kissing me. On my home he called me. i was like, i thought i was going to call you. he says, well i missed you, i kind of regret that you're gone now. URgh...i just laughed and told him to shut up. He said again that he was afraid i was mad, i said, i'm not mad. he told me he'd talk to me monday. Oh one other thing was that i told him i wasnt interested in just talkign to someone once a week (that's the way it kind of had been) and he said, ok we'll compromise on that one and we'll talk more, plus i'll be in the area, so i can see you more.
I just dont know what to think...clearly he is confused. I accept what he's said,but i just feel like he's...unstable.
I don't think he sounds in the least bit unstable.
AA MUST BE more important to him right now than you or anyone/anything else. This is no doubt hard to live with, but I believe it's true.
I guess the question is, are you willing to be second in line to AA? He needs that just to stay alive. And we've already reviewed how AA discourages serious relationships (for darned good reasons), especially at first.
He sounds like a really nice guy to me. Are you willing to wait?
respecting boundaries
You want *everything* now and appear to be demanding a quasi-commitment. The circumstances in his life do not allow him to be wrapped up in the complexities of a relationship. He's being honest with you.
He likes you; he wants to date you; but he can't be mired in a commitment with a girlfriend who demands a great deal of his time and energy. On the other hand, you are trying to push past the boundaries he has established for his own mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing -- and when he tries to maintain his boundaries, you make it personal: "He doesn't want to spend time with me. He's being insensitive to my sensitivity about these things. Boo hoo."
He's not rejecting you; he's not being insensitive to your feelings. The problem is your lack of respect for the boundaries and parameters that HE needed to establish for his own welfare. If you want more than what this man can offer you at this time -- you should reconsider getting involved rather than disrespecting his boundaries and making demands.
I'm sure if you put the situation in proper perspective, you will make a greater effort to quit piling on the emotional guilt and tears upon this guy concerning your feelings of rejection. He's NOT rejecting you; he's just not ready to deal with the complexities/demands of a relationship.
why do they discourage relationships for AA members. I hear that alot. Is it becuase relationships (good or bad) bring extra strees that leads to alcohol being extra tempting?
Yes, relationships add stress, difficulty, mood swings....all bad stuff for recovering alcoholics. Even GOOD relationships. Bad relationships, well you may as well just buy a ticket to get off the wagon.
re
i understand everything he is saying. I guess i just dont believe him. I feel like maybe he is trying to let me down easy and that he doesnt really like me, maybe he is being polite since we've had sex. I told him that i feel like he doesnt want to have sex with me because he's not sure if he' likes me. he says, well that's you being negative, that's not what i mean at all.
I just hate uncertainty and i wish i didnt like this guy. He also said he got drunk recently which is not good and he had a drink yesterday which he was hiding from me-i could smell it on his breath though. Also the 2 year anniversary of his brother's death...
Worst possible scenerio is that he doesn't like you and he is trying to let you down nicely in order not to feel guilty. since he seems to be falling off the wagon don't make things harder for him by demanding that he feel guilty also. Believe me, if doesn't get sober you won't be in love with him.
re
he has been honest i guess, i just dont know what he wants from me...i just got into work and he had sent me a vtines e-card, i cant open it though.
re
ok...i just got it to open. It's a teddy bear and it says be my valentine and a click me button. I clicked and the message that came up says...I love you. I"m thinkign that maybe he didnt click? Very weird though.
Diana--
Perhaps when you gain the self-confidence to capitalize the letter "I" (first person, personal pronoun) everything else will fall into place.
Or you could just spend the rest of your life worrying about what other people think of you.
I, personally, like Noddy's idea.
re
i understand he doenst want anything serious. i guess i dont know what he wants. I mean he keeps telling me he misses me, wants to see me, wants to date me, is sending me vtines cards that say i love you. Should i just assume he's interested, but need to keep things light?
Diana78:
You're very frustrating. It's difficult to communicate with you. It's like trying to get a mule to move from point A to point B.
You don't believe what people tell you and you're constantly questioning and overanalyzing everything that is said and done.
And, when you do so, it all leads back to YOU. It leads back to your insecurities and your need for constant reassurance and and your need to be the center of every nuance and your need to make everything about you.
You're going to drive this poor guy bonkers. You put him in a position where he must explain and justify his boundaries while you disrespect his boundaries, cry sorrowful tears of self-pity, and demand explanations for his behavior and reassurances that he likes you. Constantly. Whew. Too much stress and pressure for a guy in therapy, in AA, starting a new job, and struggling with recent bouts of falling off the wagon.
re
at this point i wish i could take a pill that would just make me forget about him until he contacted me again. I am always feeling like something negative will happen with him. Yesterday he sent me two e-mails. Today i havent heard from him. He's supposed to call tonight...we're supposed to see each other thursday. Why do i feel like it's not gonna happen?
Diana, you're not the only person who gets absorbed in every potential boyfriend she gets. Or the only one who has anxieties about something going wrong to screw up every relationship you get involved in. Those things are often related. It's part of who you are and it doesn't go away with a pill. Anxieties can take over your entire life or you can work to keep them at bay.
I read over a few of your older threads before I responded to this one. I see the same theme in all of them. New boyfriend, does he like me, will he still like me tomorrow, have I screwed it up already, etc... While reading I saw that you were working with a therapist. Is it possible to spend some time with your T working on anxiety, self-esteem, and positive affirmation so that you can get past this cycle and become the calm, cool, collected person you strive to be? There are some good self-help books for this, but it might be faster if you're already working with a T to use that time for this purpose.
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