what's your take on this now? long

No need to get defensive, Diana, I was only making the obvious observation. There's nothing wrong with seeking professional help when you have issues you can't resolve on your own. And didn't you say you were recently seeing a therapist?

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re
yeah but so what? what does that have to do with anything i jsut posted/

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Re: re

diana78 wrote:

I ended up staying at his place and we have had sex before. We had sex that night, but he kept saying how worried he is that he might get me pregnant. We didnt use protection. He then said that he doesnt feel like everytime we get together we need to have sex. I then said to him, oh you just dont like having sex with me. he assured me that that's not it at all but that he's trying to keep things healthy between us.

Diana, having unprotected sex with a man who is telling you that he wants to keep things simple is a very dangerous game. Why did you assume he didn't like having sex with you just because he wants your relationship to be based on more than sex? HE LIKES YOU. He wants too maintain a positive, healthy relationship with you. He doesn't want it to be based simply on sex. He enjoys your company and he doesn't want you to get pregnant. Kudos to him!

Quote:

He just got a new job and has moved so he said he's trying to get his life in order. He said he loves spending time with me, cuddling with me, kissing me etc and he also said he's sick and tired of having to reassure me that he likes me and thinks it should be obvious. I told him that sometimes i feel like when i leave him that i will never hear from him again, he said i shouldnt feel that way.

Ok, then stop feeling that way. Don't ever question his feelings or intent again. He has demonstrated the willingness to be completely honest with you and is sick and tired of needing to stroke your psyche. Just go with the flow. Be happy that you've found someone who likes you as a person and doesn't want to take advantage of you. Relax!

Quote:

I told him that i'm not really looking for anything serious either. I dont know what i want sometimes, but my past few relationships have been bad and i dont want to have anything like that again. i guess i do want to take thigns slow. He said he has nothing going on with anyone else and is not looking for anyone else. I said, i'm not either. He then hugged me and said he wants to continue spending time with me and doing things with me. I felt good when i left, but i am always feeling like, oh he's going to decide he doenst want to see me anymore...i know he's not using me because i was pretty much the one who initiated the sex...he jokingly said that i am using him...i'm not. It's just confusing, i really like him so much, i'm happy with how thigns are, but i guess i just worry how long things will not be serious for...

All relationships are confusing. They're supposed to be. That's part of the excitement and mystery of getting to know someone. All relationships have a natural progression into some endpoint. That endpoint might be more serious, more casual, or a complete break but you have to let the relationship take it's own course. If you try to manipulate it to a certain endpoint then you will never get to know how it might have turned out because you will cause it to break.

I think Beth's suggestion of taking some of your posts to show your therapist is a good one. In the meantime, just let it be casual. And for goodness sakes, do not have unprotected sex with this or any other man.

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You can start by reading and printing these.

http://www.able2know.com/forums/search.php?search_id=13018150&start=100

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Beth, I think the start number might be off. There are no results on the search.

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ehBeth wrote:

Re-read any of the threads you've started. Any of them.
Actually read all of them.
Print them.
Take them to a therapist.

It would be so nice if you actually did this, Diana.

I'm frustrated with you because, despite the fact that you post and ask us for advice, you do not listen to anything any of us says. Why do you post if you refuse to listen? Maybe other people feel this way about you, too.

If you just want to think things over, please keep a journal.

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re
i have discussed all these feelings with the therapist

he also said that he feels like he has a lot of control over my feelings/emotions, which makes him feel anxious. i guess he does...like right now i feel depressed because he hasnt written back to me...maybe this is not very healthy. I am so happy when i'm with him and talking to him, but i want to be able to still be happy when i'm not with him.

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No one makes someone else happy. Happiness must come from within you. When you are with him, you are able to put your anxieties partially on hold and let yourself feel happiness. It all comes from you. The anxieties and the happiness. Worrying because he hasn't written back is also coming from you. There are ways that you can work towards resolving your fears of rejection and lack of self esteem, but they must come from your efforts. They can most easily be achieved by working with a qualified therapist. You cannot expect your boyfriend to make you happy. No one can make someone else happy. You cannot expect your boyfriend to soothe your fears and concerns. They come from within you and must be dealt with from within you too. You will continue to drive good people out of your life if you don't get some help with your anxieties.

I wish you well in your pursuit of happiness and I hope you don't just talk to your therapist about it, but make it the goal of your work together.

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BorisKitten wrote:

ehBeth wrote:
Re-read any of the threads you've started. Any of them.
Actually read all of them.
Print them.
Take them to a therapist.

It would be so nice if you actually did this, Diana.

I'm frustrated with you because, despite the fact that you post and ask us for advice, you do not listen to anything any of us says. Why do you post if you refuse to listen? Maybe other people feel this way about you, too.

If you just want to think things over, please keep a journal.

Refusing to listen? Hell, I don't think Diana does any more than briefly scan whatever any one of us has written, if that! In all honesty, I don't think she reads a damn one of our posts, because we are not telling her what she wants to hear.

Diana...you and Mr. Wonderful are NOT, I repeat NOT joined at the hip! You are NOT f*cking Siamese twins that HAVE to be together ALL of the time to make YOU feel worthy. Get a F*cking LIFE, be your own f*cking person, damn it! The way you are being right now will get SOOOOO god damn boring for this man, that your prophecy of him dumping you WILL be self fulfilling!!

Entienda? Compreenda? Capisca? Verstehen Sie? Comprenez? Begrijp?

In simple terms....DO YOU UNDERSTAND?????????

So much for Ms Nice Guy........

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I'm sorry, but I only have no much patience right now for someone who is such a whiney, wimpering, demanding, controlling, manipulating, center of the world egotist with no consideration for anyone else.

So be it.

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{{{{Lady J}}}}}

I know what you mean.

Diana, anxieties disorders are real. You are your own worst enemy and will continue to be so until you take yourself in hand and are willing to do the work to get past your illness. We really are shooting blanks here because nothing we say will make a difference. It must come from your willingness to change and do the work that will accomplish it. Hoping to stop feeling this way won't change anything. It's not about hope. If you are suffering from an anxiety disorder you can get better but you've got to put in the effort to see it through. It's not going to happen on it's own and it's not going to come from this or any other support board. Please, go get some help from someone who is qualified in BMT.

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So glad, Lady J, that I'm not the only one who's frustrated!

I wonder if Diana has posted in any other threads, ever?

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re
well he e-mailed me...woohoo. today i am dizzy and have a numbness in my face so i am going to the dr tomorrow. It's always something with me it seems. I do take people's advice here.

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((((( J_B and BorisKitten)))))

Honestly BorisKitten, I am sure she reads no other posts than her own, because in her little warped world, no one else matters.

Funny, how sometimes fate steps in at just the right moment. It did that to me yesterday...I was maxxed out....I was tired, the loss of Cav was weighing heavy on my heart. You know. Just a lot of things. And then I opened this thread and all I could see was RED. I composed a scathing post unlike I thought I could ever unleash on anyone. It was brutal, I mean really brutal, but honest. In fact, it was so bad it was precluded by "Lord Craven and Lady Jespah, please forgive me for what I am about to do...."

Well back to that fate thing....I just finished it, spell checked it...although there sere so many expletives, that took awhile and then I hit submit.
And guess what? Nothing happened. Nothing at all. I paged back only to see Craven's announcement about the board being down for some emergency maintenance and to please check back soon.

Karma on a grand scale I must admit. Smile

Maybe Cav was looking over my shoulder and whispering in my ear that this isn't who Lady J really is.
And it truly wasn't and for whatever happened the way that it happened I am very grateful. Strange, huh?

That does not mean that I am not as frustrated with YOU, Diana as I have ever been. I still think it is a line of bull that you say you are reading any of our good advice and the reason I really know that is that you rarely ever reply to anything that anyone has said directly to you regarding your problems. Case in point.....

The VERY first thing you said to anyones replies yesterday was:
"well he e-mailed me...woohoo." It is still ALL about YOU and until you get some very serious therapy that I think you so desperately need it will always and forever be just about YOU. And in the long term that equates to a very, very, very lonely agonizing existence.

Personally, I am finished with you. You never take a moment to thank any of the other posters who have given of their time and graciousness to HELP YOU. You have never shown even an inkling of caring about someone else or given a second thought what someone else might be going through and reach out a hand to them.

Right now, if you are drowning in your own sea of confusion and problems about your friend, they will just have to remain YOUR problems as far as I am concerned. You will see no life preservers being tossed into your ocean of delusion from me.

In parting and that is provided you do even read this, I might suggest you also look for another forum or board that might be a bit more likeminded towards you. The people here are AK are mostly all very giving and generous and loving and caring. In other words...we actually give a damn about others. Unlike you....

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Re: re

diana78 wrote:

I ended up staying at his place and we have had sex before. We had sex that night, but he kept saying how worried he is that he might get me pregnant. We didnt use protection.

Trapping some poor guy into a relationship by getting pregnant is a DISASTER waiting to happen . . . Neither one of you are stable enough to be taking risks like this . . . He's a recovering alcoholic who still falls off the wagon. He can't be a father right now. You're too immature and self-centered to be a mother. Don't create a life that you can't possibly nurture . . . you need to grow up first.

diana78 wrote:

He then said that he doesnt feel like everytime we get together we need to have sex. I then said to him, oh you just dont like having sex with me.

You don't need to have sex in order to feel desired or wanted. Stop using sex as a crutch and an entrapment device. If you can't appreciate a guy who wants to get to know YOU for you . . . if you think the only way you can be close to a man is to jump in bed with him . . . you have a LOT to learn before you will ever have a healthy relationship.

diana78 wrote:

he assured me that that's not it at all but that he's trying to keep things healthy between us.

You don't want a healthy relationship. You want a man whom you can torment with your insecurities and anxieties.

diana78 wrote:

He just got a new job and has moved so he said he's trying to get his life in order. He said he loves spending time with me, cuddling with me, kissing me etc

He's got a lot on his plate right now. You are not the center of his universe. Why do you need soooooo much sooooooo soon? This is ridiculously immature . . . .

diana78 wrote:

and he also said he's sick and tired of having to reassure me that he likes me and thinks it should be obvious.

You're tormenting him. HE'S SICK and TIRED of your insecurities and anxieties. It's only a matter of time before you drive him away. Oh well . . . that's what you want. It's probably for the best anyway. Oh, wait . . . you'll probably get pregnant and drive him back into the bottle full-time. He'll lose his job and then you'll complain that you have an unemployed, alcoholic man as the father of your poor baby. . .

diana78 wrote:

well he e-mailed me...woohoo.

Well . . . now that he emailed you . . . all is well in Diana-Land. At least until tomorrow while you sit by your computer and cell phone waiting for the next email or call or text-message.

Whatever . . . .

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whoa. This is some good stuff. Sometimes we need a good slap in the face to get us right.

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re
i'm on the verge of ending thigns. I talked to him last night and he said he had plans with his brother. He was like, oh r u upset that i'm doing somethign with him and not you? I said, no, so we are not seeing each other this weekend? He said, well i could do somethign sunday. I said, ok do you want to come here. He said he could esp since i have been to see him.

i do want a serious relationship-he cant give me that. He is so nonchalant about things. I just fee like he should know by now what he wants with me and if he really doesnt want anything seirous, i need to move on> i feel like he is just using me while he's in this transition period and then he will just find someone else to be serious with. I deserve better than this! i do listen to what others say here, i really do. I am just not getting what i want and its making me miserable. I feel like crying right now.

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re
he gives me so much reason to feel insecure. Last night is an example. i just texted him and said, we dont have to hang out sunday if you dont want to, i want to see you, but i feel like i'm pressuring. I dont even care anymore. I feel like i'm always just trying to grasp on to him and he doenst want me to, we're just not compatible

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Re: re

diana78 wrote:

i'm on the verge of ending thigns. I talked to him last night and he said he had plans with his brother.

OH NO! God forbid . . . don't tell me it's true. He made plans to spend time with his brother on Saturday? CAD!

Anyone who would make plans to spend time with family members is a REAL LOSER.

I finally see your big concerns and why you're on the verge of ending things. . . get rid of him . . . you can't possibly be expected to put up with this sh*t.

Make your expectations clear! Tell him that you EXPECT him to be at your beck and call at all times -- that he's not allowed to make plans with other people -- and if he doesn't live up to your expections -- no more booty!

diana78 wrote:

He was like, oh r u upset that i'm doing somethign with him and not you? I said, no, so we are not seeing each other this weekend? He said, well i could do somethign sunday. I said, ok do you want to come here. He said he could esp since i have been to see him.

He was busy on Saturday, because the loser that he is, made plans to spend time with his brother. But, he said he would spend time you on SUNDAY . . . and HE would make the trip for that very purpose.

SO, why isn't your problem solved?

OH . . . I forgot . . . you love DRAMA:

diana78 wrote:

i just texted him and said, we dont have to hang out sunday if you dont want to, i want to see you, but i feel like i'm pressuring.

The last time you were together . . . last weekend . . . he told you that he was sick and tired of having to reassure you all the time that he likes you and wants to spend time with you.

SO, what do you do? You demand reassurance that he likes you and wants to spend time with you.

SICK AND TIRED, sick and tired, sick and tired, sick and tired. . . .

You not only make HIM sick and tired . . . you make us sick and tired too.

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Touche, Hooray and god I love you for that, Debra! Smile

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what's your take on this now? long

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