what's your take on this now? long

Whew, I just read this whole thread and now I feel soooooooo much better about my own life! I would not want to be that age ever again. And I wish I had the opportunity when I was that young age to work with a therapist. There is so much to be gained from learning how to do adulthood and grow your own self-esteem by your thirties. Sadly, so many people do not even begin to work on their own selves until so much has gone down with their lives.

re
well i'm pretty sure it's over...my fautl i guess. I called him thursday night, and we were supposed to get together this past sunday. Basically he said that he needed to be home sunday eve and wasnt sure that he could get a ride from him brother. I could tell he really didnt even want to do anythign so i said, well why dont we just forget it. He said, are you mad? I said no. he said, good you shouldnt be. then i kind of let my emotions go. I said, well i dont think we're compatible. He sounded kind of annoyed and was just like, oh you dont? Then he went on to say how he was sick of having these conversations, and just because he cant hang out with me one weekend doenst mean that he is blowing me off. I was crying. He said he feels like he is always upsetting me and that maybe i should find someone who can give me what i need derserve and doesnt make me upset. I said, i dont want to find anyone else. He said i always make everything seem so serious. I asked him if he'd ever want anythign serious with me, he said he couldnt answer that, but with all the questions i ask it makes him feel like he does not want anythign serious. I told him that after 3 months he shoudl have an idea as to how he feels and if he doenst know now maybe he'll never know. he just said you're right, maybe i'll never know. He said he feels awful when i get upset and that he cares about me, i told him that i have feelings for him.

He said, i wish you could just say, oh that's fine that you cant see me this weekend, not a big deal, i have lots of other thigns going on in my life anyways. i said, i wish you could just say, sorry i cant do anythign this weekend, how about next weekend. He agreed that he should be more assertive and said, fine why dont we try that. He also said he doenst want me depending on him for happiness and that the control he has over my emotions makes him anxious. We talked for about a half hour and then he said he had to go. He told me he missed me and before he hung up i said, so you'd really never want anythign serious with me. He jsut said, i never said that, then said, i have to go, i'll talk to you this weekend.
I felt embaressed about what i said the next day. I sent an e-mail telling him that. He wrote back that i should be happy, not worry and that he was busy and would talk to me over the weekend. I wrote somethign back to him a few hours later, then he wrote back again. He didnt call me until sunday night at 10. I missed the call. the next day i sent an e-mail, he wrote back. i wrote back. And i havent heard from him since. I called him last night, he didnt answer....I stupidly called him from my work phone today and didnt leave a message. Then i sent him a text that said, how are you doing. He tells me he's not mad/annoyed...but seeing how i havent verbally spoken to him since thursday...he sure seems it.

This is pretty much as close to hitting the nail on the head he is going to get.

When you cry and get upset and ask for reassurance you are making him responsible for your feelings. You gave him complete control and responsibility over your happiness. He's telling you, as plainly as he can, that he doesn't want that responsibility. You need to accept the responsibility for your own happiness and let him off the hook. It just might be smooth sailing from there, if you can do it.

Why don't you try this exercise. Call him up, ask him how he's doing, chat a bit, then tell him you have to go and you'll call him later. Easy. Try it.

same story


Me too!

Apparently, you never mentally or intelligently grasp the clear message.

Oh well.

Eventually, he will just hang up on you and you'll never hear from him again no matter how many times a day that you email, call, and text him. You will have him so disgusted with your whining and sniffling that he'll be grateful to end this neverending drama with you.

Have a nice day.

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i just dont know what comes over me that i need this reassurance from him. I mean he did call me sunday night, e-mailed with me yesterday, then i called him last night, but go no answer. Then today no response to my text. After the conversation we had on thursday, i feel like he has just really had it with me. I do not want to think about him. I wish i could think of him the way i do all my other friends. I guess what sets him apart is that i am attracted to him and have feelings for him.

Re: re


Well, maybe it's because you feel that your only worth to him is as a sexual partner, yet you know that isn't enough to keep his interest. So you constantly seek reassurance of something that you know shouldn't be there. Heavens! It could be there, but what would that mean? That you're actually worth something besides sex? And that he can see that? The very idea!

Here's another exercise to try. Go to the book store and spend 3 hours browsing books. Buy a few. Take a walk. Have sex with yourself. Try to find out what it is about your company that he enjoys enough to put up with all of your chain yanking.

Diana:

If this guy means so much to you, why are you doing everything in your power to destroy whatever chance you might have with him.

Give the poor guy some space. Don't be clinging to him every second. If he says he can't see you on Sunday, you don't need to turn it into a half-hour cry fest.

You just say, "That's okay! I understand that you can't get a ride. We'll see each other another time."

You'll be a whole lot more attractive to him if you're a strong, independent woman who takes responsibility for her own happiness.

Right now, you're very unattractive and I don't know why he puts up with you. In his shoes, I would have dumped you. How many times does he have to say that he's SICK and TIRED of your DRAMA QUEEN act before YOU get the message?

Unless you change your clingy, needy, whiny ways, he's going to dump your behind. Do you understand that?

Take care.

Diana, Try these links:

http://www.anxietynetwork.com/gawhat.html#top

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/healthinformation/anxietymenu.cfm

http://www.psych.org/public_info/anxiety.cfm


Does any of this seem to apply to you? If so, you can get help. There are self help options and professional help options but it won't stop on it's own.

Truthfully? He's probably seeing someone else but wants to keep you around for the occasional desperation f*uck.

Re: re


Yes . . . precisely!

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well he told me he has nothing going on with anyone else so i dont think so. That was a pretty rude comment cinnethsia, just what i needed to hear.

Obviously he has his space from me...i havent seen him in a week and a half. i feel very bad about the cry fest i had on thursday and we certainly have a had a lot of these conversation. He is not using me for sex. The last time i saw him i intiated it and he says how worried he is about getting me pregnant. He told me he wants to date me 'formally' whatever that is. I feel like he is already somewhat gone...i find it a little odd that he didnt take my call last night and has e-mailed/texted me nothing today. if he kwnos how insecure i am and cares for me would he just put me at ease a little bit and respond to me? even just to say hi? weird.

Re: re


Kind of my point. This is all you're offering him.



This goes back to him being responsible for your happiness. Why is it his responsibility to reassure you? Why should he shoulder that burden?

"The last time i saw him i intiated it and he says how worried he is about getting me pregnant."

But he f*ucked you without using protection.

Yeah, and why aren't you worried about getting pregnant as much as he's worried about getting you pregnant?

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i know, i do not want to get pregnant. I had a wake up call when i went to the dr last week with dizzy spells. They asked if i could be pg, i had my period but they still did the test-i'm not luckily. I dont think all i have to offer him is sex and i think he knows this> We have done a lot of activities together, have talked a lot, the sex has been a small part.
I think he is freaked out because he knows i want a serious relationship and he does not want this.

Cinnethsia, i'd appreciate it if you would not use the word f*cked in my threads

did you look at my links?

So why are you still boning him without protection? And why are you initiating it if you are worried about it?

Repeat after me, there is no manipulation through sex. There is no manipulation through tears. There is no manipulation.

I have a question. You said the two of you talk a lot. What do you talk about other than the fact that he didn't call and you feel like he's mad at you, or doesn't have feelings for you, or doesn't want to have sex with you, or doesn't want to see you?

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we have conversations about all sorts of things. He just never seems to be able to make plans to see me unless its' like 2 days in advance. I'm the type of person who needs to know what i'm doing for the weekend by like tues, wed at the latest.

I dont know if i should just wait for him to contact me (guess i blew that by texing him, the hi how you doing) or if i should apologize again. I figrue i already did that though...and he seemed ok. But it just doesnt seem ok to me,

Yes i did look at those links. I feel like i could have this disorder or something related. I see a therapist and take celexa...dont know how much it's helping though. I didnt take it for about a week at one point

There are plenty of other medications for anxiety. Sometimes you need to try several different ones before finding the one that works best with your specific chemistry.

When you went to see him; you drove. Everywhere you went, you drove. He couldn't come to see you on Sunday because he didn't know if his brother would give him a ride. That probably means he doesn't have a car or a driver's license. (Because he's an alcoholic who falls off the wagon, it is possible that he lost his driving privileges for driving under the influence.)

It's very difficult for a man to arrange dates with a woman who lives many miles away when he doesn't have transportation. The best he can offer is MAYBE he can come and see you on the weekend IF he can get a ride there and back. So, even though YOU WANT to control the situation and require him to make definite plans with you by Tuesday, he simply cannot accommodate your plans.

He's NOT responsible for your happiness. YOU ARE. You have very little sense of self respect or self worth. The only way you feel good about yourself is if he reassures you that he wants to spend time with you -- if he reassures you that he wants to have sex with you -- and if he responds to your million messages that you send him every day.

You have a very sad sense of self. Work on being a strong, independent woman who takes responsibility for her own happiness.