Why would he say this?

Thank you to everyone... if anything happens I'll let you know.. I appreciate everything you all have done for me, you made me open my eyes a lot wider.... you have also brought back a part of me I never thought I would see again.. A part where I stick up for myself and realize I am important to some people and my life does mea something.. and that I can't let anyone bring me down.....

::hugz:: Take care

We need you around here.

CL--

Hold your dominion.

Crazie, I just read about your sex "life" with your boyfriend. It's easy now to picture him running around going off half-cocked in all areas of his life... the knife thing, the whole anger management issue, the keeping you from going out at night without him, the premature ejaculation. Not a happy dude. He's just going to keep dragging you down if you stay with him. And you know it, don't you?

after reading that you'd not go to the A2K get-together because you're afraid of telling him - well, i can't believe that you haven't got your @ss out of there already

that is simply not a normal relationship with a normal person.

Yes, I know it... I am just used to it, never had a guy that treats me good, actually he is the nicest boy I have ever been with!! Yesterday he had a bad day at work, said he wanted to kill himself.. said he wanted drugs (not just his usual pot) and said he wanted herion... I was shocked.. he doesn't do that.. but he was desperate... of course he never got it... but he had a knife in his had and cut his finger trying to scare me and asked me if I had ever been cut on my stomach, explained to be what it felt like and told me he wanted to kill. but lets say I brought this up today to him, he would tell me he was just joking, but his eyes look soooo angry.. I don;t know why I stay, but I do... I just think it could be worse

He's drastically unstable. You MUST get away from him. It's only a matter of time before he hurts you. That angry look in his eyes? It's DANGEROUS. He's a sick loser. Don't you want a better life for yourself?

Like I said, I am used to it... everybody I know thinks I am crazy and with that thought they tell everyone I meet that I am crazy and scare them all away.. and I am not crazy... but they say I am crazy because I put up with him and my last ex... I don't know.. As much as I would love my dreams to come true and I could go home to a man that says how was your day, not a man that says I want to kill myself because I worked an extra hour.. i Know it isn't gonna happen right now... I sadly I am better off now than I was before when I was soo depressed that I cut and wanted to die.... I hadn't cut in over a year now, except for once.... but he helped me stop... he does have a sweet side.... but last night he cut his finger right and front of me and knowing that I used to cut, he said why does anyone do that... and tried to make me feel bad for him .... I can't stand that it is always about him, always... i have to take care of his every whim and need... god a part of me hates him soooo much.... but I wish that part was stronger than me.. I am weak I know that and he knows that.., that is why I don't leave

Another incident with a knife. This time, he cut himself. How long will it be before he turns the knife on you? It could be today.

You're not weak. You're stronger than you think.

Are you getting help for your cutting and depression? Your boyfriend is malicious. He's taunting you with a knife, knowing full well your history of self-cutting. He wants you to feel bad because he feels bad, and in a perverse way, that makes him feel better. You say you "have to take care of his every whim and need." Why? I think you're more afraid of being alone than of taking your chances away from him.

What kind of future do you envision for yourself? What are your dreams, and what steps are you taking toward making them come true? And can you ever honestly see yourself having children with this sadistic bastard?

I no I won't marry him but I am scared to leave.... I don't need help with my cutting, I don't do it anymore, it is pointless to give myself scars that I will get mad about when I am older.. I know there are other ways to resolve my problems than cutting myself...just like I know the smart thing would be to leave him but he is all I know.. he is my security...he is my everything... I don't want to go back to the way things were before.... I will never go back... just forward.....erg

Hello Christine,

I hope you don't mind me not calling you CrazieLady. When you reached out to Shannon you used your real name. If you object then I'll use CL, but I don't want to refer to you as 'Crazy(ie)', OK? You're not crazy. You're in a situation that you think is better than it could be but it's worse than it should be. Better than it could be is not good enough. I know you have a good heart, I've seen it. I know you don't want to go back to your parents but it doesn't have to be for long if you look for a roommate. I haven't seen you post about your sex life, but I've seen enough in this one to tell you that there are plenty of people around who don't want to see you in this situation.

It's not good enough, Christine. You deserve better. You can have better, but first you need to be safe.

edit: typos fixed

It is ok that you call me Christine, I was a little shocked to see my real name though... I forget I had posted it there.. I guess it is different when you here a real name, that is why I used it with Shannon, I wanted her to think of me as a person, not a screen name.. The reason why I won't go back home is because I know I will relapse.. I will start to cut again, I love them to death, but they make me miserable... the don;t give me freedom, even at 20, they will give me a 9 o'clock curfew... and all they do is put me down, without meaning to... they will say, oh you need to lose a little weight... not saying that I am fat but saying that they are concerned about my weight and they say put your hair up, you're a mess, it;s the little things they do the make me so depressed.... but the don't do it intenionally... I was raised by to gentle, loving grandparents.. they are jsut old fashioned and dont realize it hurts me, I have told them before and they have explained to me where they are coming from and I agree with them in some ways,.. but they also get extremely involved in all of my problems... if I get in an arguement with a friend over the phone, tehy will sit me down and lecture about" well when I was your age" and then put me down or my friends down... and I have respect for them so i could never say go f*ck yurself... so I get sadder and sadder and being locked in the house and not seeing my friends I get even sadder and then I start to bottle stuff up inside and before you know it I will slice something... I can't go back their.. though there are good memories... there are too many bad ones....

All I know is that I am a complicated person, least that's what people say....

You are a person, that's why I wanted to call you by your name.

I just looked up the roommates wanted ads in the 'Patriot Ledger'. There are 18 ads and all but 2 of them are looking for a female or male/female.

Please, take a look.

http://southofboston.abracat.com/c2/reforrent/results/index.xml

edit: typos

If anything, I would end up moving back home for a few months, being miserable, saving up money and then getting my own place...I am sooo scared to go backwards... and I am also scared to let go... I have always had a problem with change...
But how do you leave someone you still love and deal with seeing him sooo hurt.. I know he can look at me when I am crying and he'll jsut make fun of me and go waah waah be a little baby see if i give a f*ck, stupid b*tch, but I just call him an *sshole and leave the room.... but even having him put me down and make me feel like less of a person, I don't understand why I just can;t leave... I really don't have the courage

I'll add myself to the list of people who think you should leave. Seems like he's not making progress, nobody deserves to live afraid. Conquer your fears, you have the power to improve your life.

I remember a quote that says something like this: "A happy person is one who's always improving regardless of where s/he's at".

The parent/grandparent issue is something you'll work on later, you got to first resolve what's not working in your life right now.

You sound like me. I've never been in your situation but I've moved forward a few times when it was scary as hell. I don't like change either. Sometimes I'm paralysed by the fear of change. A lot of people are similar. No one is suggesting you go backwards. Leaving this situation is not a step backwards. It's a step onwards and ahead.




You do it by not looking back. You are not responsible for his pain. You are only responsible for your own safety and ultimate happiness. You will never find the happiness until you feel safe. Your boyfriend is an unbalanced, dangerous individual. You've seen him go after his sister, you've seen him use a knife on himself, you've seen him threaten you with it and belittle you because he's had a bad day. You do not need him.

Sure, it's hard to leave. Sometimes things are hard. Can you think of a time in your past where you reached inside and pulled the courage to do the right thing from your soul and, as scary as it was, it worked out right? You've come a long way already, Christine. It's a shame to give your happiness up to someone who doesn't deserve it. Look at what he's taken from you and continues to take from you. You've got the courage inside you. I know you do.

I don't know what to tell you other than please, please, please get away
from him.

If you want, PM me and I can give the you the name and number of a
woman in your area who has done a lot of work with young women in
need of help (primarily in the Quincy school system). If she can't help,
she can get you in touch with someone who can.

Christine, please listen to us.

We don't want to read about you in the paper.

We care about you and want you to be safe.

CL, this all scares me.

Just a couple of things: I've only very recently understood something about courage (and I'm 43)... you usually only realize you've been courageous After you've done something courageous. So don't wait for courage to come... at least in my case, action comes first, then courage once I realize what I've done.

I am certain your leaving this fellow would be a big step Forward in your life, not Backward. I can see how it might Feel backward if you have to live with relatives for a bit, but I strongly feel leaving this guy would be a step forward, to a better, happier, brighter future for you.

My heart is with you, CL.