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Why would he say this?

 
 
Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 09:08 am
This is something I have been wondering about for a few weeks now! Ok, well a few weeks ago our new neighbor came over for a few drinks ( she is older than my mother and was very odd)... we invited her over because she was so lonely.... anyways

She basically told us her life story, and how her husband abused her..

Right after she finished her story my boyfriend turns to me, right in front of her and goes "have I ever hit you before"? He asked it as if he couldn't remember..... first of all, and I told him this, If he eer hit me, I wouldn't be with him, and second of all why would he even think that he may have hit me....

is this some kind of bad sign?

I don'w know whether I should be concerned or not... I mean when he gets angry, he gets angry...and I have feared that someday maybe he will hit me......
i.e. one day we went to his mothers house, his sister (who is 16) and him got into a tiny arguement over nothing... it ended up with him taking a kitchen knife, pouncing on her, threatening to stab her, he screamed at me and told me to get out of the way... the look in his eyes was so cruel, needless to say after almost stabbing her (i really thought he was gonna) and slamming her of the bed a few times, he calmed down....

I wanted to leave him right then and there, but of course I didn't.. now I am a little scared of him!

I am so confused! Crying or Very sad
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Type: Discussion • Score: 0 • Views: 10,718 • Replies: 236
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Eryemil
 
  1  
Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 09:31 am
This doesn't sound good at CL. Picking up a knife and trying to stab your sister is not acceptable human behavior any way you look at the issue. Honestly I fear for you; what if he snaps one day and throws you down the stairs? Or beats you to death?

I'm not sure what others will say but I find this rather disturbing. He hasn't hit you yet, which is a good thing, but for what I've been able to deduct, the best thing you can do is run, fast.
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Bella Dea
 
  1  
Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 09:33 am
I wouldn't say it's a sign that he said that. But if you are afraid of him, leave. There should be no reason to be afraid of your man. The knife thing....well, that's a little bizarre..... Confused
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FreeDuck
 
  1  
Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 09:37 am
Sounds like he's got self-control and anger issues.

Might want to check out this:
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=45270
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merelymemer
 
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Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 09:38 am
I would be very concerned. Years ago, I dated a guy with a very bad temper. We were together for 5 years. I had watched him get into fights and what not, and there were many times that he scared me. He never placed his hands on me until one day. We got into an argument about something really stupid (I think it was over a movie), and he tried to strangle me. I left then and have not looked back, though he has on many occasions tried to contact me..
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FreeDuck
 
  1  
Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 09:40 am
Yeah, it's the old, if he'd do it to them, he'd do it to me, rule.
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Synonymph
 
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Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 09:45 am
I'd never stay with a violent man or a man with anger issues. He sounds unstable. Respect yourself and lose him.
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 09:51 am
Completely agree with Bella's take.

I'm much more concerned with what was going on with his sister than the comment, though both together are also a concern.

Weird. Good luck, crazielady.
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Crazielady420
 
  1  
Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 10:06 am
See, the problem is, I love him soo much, but lately I have been thinking about leaving him.. his mood is just getting worse and he has been threatening to kill himself more and more and I am so scared to leave him in fear he may also harm himself! I just don't know waht to do anymore, He is holding me back so much... at first everything was great but I jsut don't know...

And if we do break up That means I have to attempt to move back home, into an extremely strict environment because I can't afford our apt. all by myself... another words I will have an 11 o'clock curfew and all that good stuff ( I am 20, I don;t really want a curfew again!)


Erg, AHHHHH
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merelymemer
 
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Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 10:28 am
See, I just ended a 6 year relationship with my fiance (well ex-fiance, we had lived together for some time) and had to move back home with my parents (due to losing my job right after leaving him -when it rains it pours). Your only 20, I am 31, this is not my ideal living situation but at least I have my family's support.

It would be hard, but I may be the best thing to do right now..

Don't stay with him just because you will need to move home, that is not a good enough reason to stay together.
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Eryemil
 
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Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 10:44 am
Since I'm not the one in love with the guy I can say this. (or maybe I shouldn't but I will anyway) In the end, what would be better, that he kills himself or that he ends up killing you?

Of course you could also try talking to him, get him to open up. As his erratic behavior demostrates, he's either going through something very though, or his mind is functioning in a pathologically violent state. And that's very bad news for you.

You get too choose which battles you fight. Buy some pepper spray just in case, if you do decide to stick around.
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Crazielady420
 
  1  
Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 10:54 am
merelymemer wrote:
See, I just ended a 6 year relationship with my fiance (well ex-fiance, we had lived together for some time) and had to move back home with my parents (due to losing my job right after leaving him -when it rains it pours). Your only 20, I am 31, this is not my ideal living situation but at least I have my family's support.

It would be hard, but I may be the best thing to do right now..

Don't stay with him just because you will need to move home, that is not a good enough reason to stay together.
That isn't why I am staying with him, trust me IF I HAVE TO GO HOME, I will..... I really love him... but he makes me feel like less of a person alot of the times
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 10:58 am
Crazieladie--

Would you accept a job as a steeplejack or a lion tamer? Go to Iraq as a SEAL? Would you volunteer for a very risky experimental procedure to make your hair grow longer that might kill you? Do you run red lights? Play chicken? Play Russian Roulette?

Living with a violent man is as dangerous as any of these options.

You don't want to move back with your parents. Think to this time next year. Do you want to be tucked away in the family lot at the cemetery? Or would your ashes be in an urn on the mantlepiece?

Violent guys who indulge themselves with temper tantrums are dangerous.
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FreeDuck
 
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Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 11:02 am
If he makes you feel like less of a person that is reason enough to leave him. I bet there is an apartment, maybe a small one, that you can afford. And your parents might loosen up now that you've already lived on your own a bit.
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Synonymph
 
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Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 11:03 am
"but he makes me feel like less of a person alot of the times"

This is a red flag. Does he have an alcohol problem?
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dagmaraka
 
  1  
Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 11:08 am
Crazie, whenever you have to add ",but" after you say "I really love him", it's a sign that you may have to leave him. Or raise the issue with him and deal with it. Is it something you ever talked about? Perhaps it's too scary or too sensitive. But it sounds like doing nothing is the worst option in the scenario.
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merelymemer
 
  1  
Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 11:12 am
You may really love him, but if you do not feel good about yourself then get out. It is not healthy. Maybe the two of you should sit down with someone and hash this all out.
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JPB
 
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Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 11:12 am
It sounds like you know what you want to do, but are stuck on some logistics. You could scan the roommate wanted ads and try to find someone who is looking for someone to share living costs. I did this temporarily when I got divorced and it was fine.

As far as being responsible for what he does to himself if you should leave goes, you are NOT responsible for his depression or his anger. Couples split up all the time. You do not need to feel that you should stay in a bad relationship because of the mental health of your boyfriend.

As far as loving him deeply, you can do that from the safety of your own place too. He can get help for his depression and you can encourage him to do so at the same time letting him know that his anger frightens you.

Maybe it could all work out, but the knife thing scares me. The question is bizarre and like Bella and Soz, I think on it's own it's just that. Combined with his anger I think you should make other living arrangements.
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sozobe
 
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Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 11:14 am
J_B wrote:
It sounds like you know what you want to do, but are stuck on some logistics.


Precisely.
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dagmaraka
 
  1  
Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2005 11:14 am
yes, i think the knife is really a bad sign. i am sure he can be helped -but NOT by you. he needs to first realize he has a problem, and then be willing to work on it. it's for him to do. if you just stay with him to cover it up and try to forget it, you are both worse of.
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