What should I think about my husband and his internet porn?

Frank: Awesome. truly awesome.

Jackal: I wouldn't say that women are more intelligent, nor would I say that women are less intelligent. Intelligence is not gender-biased, but what type of intelligence is. Women are definitely more emotional, which makes aligns with your point about unpredictability and close-mindedness. (<--Perhaps a poor choice of words, but I'm just using what you said)
Conversely, Men are rational to a fault, often having no consideration for others' feelings, and behaving ego-centric. <---This is why men look at porn!
Only when you balance rationality with empathy can you be happy, which is why Tanbear is having a difficult time: she's being overly emotional(though not by much) and he's being overly rational(Me=horny. Horny+porn+masturbation=Satisfaction).
Just my thoughts on the subject.

Frank: Again: truly awesome. I laughed my ass off.

so many responses, let me answer several questions with one post

1. no I haven't let myself go physically I am active at the gym and wear a size 4. My hair, nails, makeup and grooming are all looked after. I'm in better shape than he is.

2.why don't you just leave? " why should I? I own this house outright from before my marriage. I'm also the major bread winner cook and bottle washer around here.I'm not leaving.

3. "You could wake up in 10 years and realise you lost your last chance at happiness"

Lol, ah yes, the I should be grateful theme !

You sound like my husband, I'll give you the same answer I gave him Fat, balding middle aged men who like to surf the web for porn
are a rare commodity? Sorry but if happiness means I gotta act all giddy and grateful every time Jenna Jameson gives hubby a stiffie, then I'll pass on "happiness"

4. 2 wrongs don't make a right and all of the other comments denouncing me because I've chosen to show my husband just how it feels to be treated as he's treated me.

Yes I have talked to this man, yes I've tried compromise I don't feel that asking him to be discrete with his porn viewing is overly prohibitive, I also don't feel that requesting that he not awaken me in the middle of night simply because he's been viewing porn is unreasonable.

My husband has basically over time slowly eroded any feelings of goodness that I had about myself, he's turned sex into something that I dread and am happy to go without.

I ask that the man not display porn on his desktop as wallpaper,that he log off his computer when he's done so that I don't have to see it over my morning coffee and I ask that he satisfy his porn inspired erections without involving me and if that means I get less or no sex, well I can live with it.

I've made 2 simple requests that have been laughed at,scoffed at and essentially ignored.Treating my husband as he's treated me is my last ditch effort before getting a sharp lawyer and ending this marriage.

5. you need professional help- you're right can anybody recommend a decent lawyer ?

AMEN!

I'll second Kristie: get yourself a lawyer. If you've done all those things, and tried that hard to find a solution, and still nothing's worked: Kick his pathetic ass out on the street.
Man. I hadn't realized the extent of his jerkiness. You have my sympathy and my respect for having put up with it this long.

I have to agree with Kristie and Taliesin. As stated earlier in this thread, it seems it is more the man than the porn that is a problem here.

tanbear...

When I say leave, I mean it in a general sense. I don't care who makes more money or who is entitled to what... kick the bastard out for all I care. But if you are so unhappy then do something about it rather than complaining to a bunch of strangers over the internet.

You aren't asking for advice. You aren't seeking help. You aren't responding in a rational manner. If you want us to feel sorry for you... I do, obviously your husband is a jerk and not once have I defended him. But you are leading YOURSELF down a road that I think will cause nothing more but more pain... which I think is foolish becasue it doesn't solve anything.

Not once did I say anything about being grateful for what you have. I told you to leave. Happiness is you getting out while you still can and starting a new life without your husband... not growing old and bitter becasue you wanted to act like a child.

He doesn't want you... you don't want him... what part of that equation is giving you such a difficult time?

Interesting.

I view some Internet porn...and I could not have come up with Jenna Jameson's name!

Sure you are not just pulling our collective legs?

I read everything you've written...and I was getting the uncomfortable feeling you are so far out there on this topic...it is almost a caricature.

But another thought now comes to mind...similar to one I occasional get when reading some of the political threads. There are times there when someone says so many outrageous things...I begin to suspect they are actually proponents of the side they are supposedly arguing against...a liberal, for instance, stating the liberal position in a way that actually causes sympathy for the conservative side.

Maybe that's it.

Maybe you are a woman hating man presenting the woman's view from a distorted perspective...trying to make the female position look ridiculous with your excess.

Just a thought! :wink:

[Google searching Jenna Jameson...]

come on cjhsa... we all know you have the entire collection already.

The part about having to pay him alimony if I throw him out. This house is mine as is the bulk of every dollar brought into this house.


I enjoy my intimate activities to be about me/ inspired by some sort of actual desire for me at least occasionally.The thought that my partner views me as so undesirable simply because of the length of our relationship and that he must seek outside stimulation to have sex with me doesn't make me feel good, it doesn't turn me on, it makes me feel humilated, at best I'm being given mercy sex, at worst I'm a substitute for a kleenex.

What I find funny is that women are apparently expected to accept this, to pretend not to notice that their husbands need to get outside stimulation in order to have sex with them and to continue on beiong loving,giving,understanding, kinda like keeping up the fiction in the emperor has no clothes story.Yet when a woman turns around, views some porn and tells her husband that he's no longer sexually attractive to her, that she needs outside visual stimuli in order to muster up enough ardor to have sex with him... well, then you get the overwhelmingly negative reactions I've seen here.

So you're going to live out the rest of your life unhappy with a man that you don't want because you don't want to pay alimony... you've made your bed... have fun lying in it. I hope those extra dollars are worth it.

judging from what I've read here most men are like my husband, over time they become so familar with their wives that the women are no longer desirable to them and they require increasing amounts of outside stimulation in order to get it up for their wives.Why should I pay alimony just to get free in order to meet another one just like him?

Jenna is one of the porn stars trying to gain more mainstream acceptance.I saw her on some talk show and she was actually pretty articulate and struck me as rather bright.

my husband isn't like that.

I disagree, reread Frank's posts on this subject.

Ever wonder just how many of your sexual encounters are inspired by desire for you versus someone he saw in realtime or tv or the web ?

How would it feel to you to know that while he's grinding away at you he's thinking of somebody else or the idea that in order to get an erection for you at all that he needed to view porn for an hour .

Try asking him sometime how often the above is true.

tanbear,

Why are you here? Do you want advice on your situation or do you just want the attention?

Here's Jenna! Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a picture of her with clothes on?

I never wonder how many of my sexual encounters are inspired by me or someone else. And this is why:

First, my husband isn't home enough to spend time on the computer looking at porn and if he downloads porn sometimes (which I seriously doubt he has) so what? He isn't a big computer person and doesn't use it much at all.

Second, he doesn't buy pay-per-view porn off the tv or rent it for that matter because again....he isn't home enough and the times he is home (or off work), he's with me, sleeping or at a friends. He has limited free time and he likes to live his life, not watch it.
If there is any "porn" watching at night when I am asleep, it is the cheesy soft core stuff on Cinamax, AKA Skinamax and who cares about that? Big deal...some chicks boobs and some ass.
Or maybe he's watching the real deal at his buddies house which I doubt because I don't think guys intentionally get together to watch porn, do they? (seriously, correct me if I am wrong here).
As for strip clubs and other jazz of that nature, my husband doesn't believe in them. He went to lots when he was single but as a married man he doesn't believe that his money should be going to other (naked women). And I trust him so I know he isn't sneaking out to strip clubs instead of being at work or other things like that.
He doesn't subscribe to Playboy, Hustler, Penthouse. But even if he was watching/looking at the occasional porn, so what?

And third, how do you expect me to know what is going on in his head? I love my husband and trust that when we are together he is there with me. And if he isn't, what am I suppose to do about it? It's his head and I can't know what's in there.

And finally as for how I feel about him enjoying porn...what am I going to do? It's like asking me to stop liking chocolate. I can control how much chocolate I eat but I won't stop liking it. Your husband does not love you enough to control himself. And he doesn't love you enough to work with you to find answers that work for both of you. If he needs that extra some thing to get going, which as Frank pointed out is not uncommon in older men, so what? Help him out. Watch porn together. Do a strip tease. Act out fantasies. Make your own porn. There are a million ways you as a couple could have gotten around this whole situation except that one or both of you didn't care enough to try.

Apparently you are so disgusted and appalled by men you think that they are all pigs. For the record, as far as I am concerned, real men know the difference between the fake, airbrushed women in porn and the real deal that's waiting for them in the bedroom. And even if the porn chick makes them hard, it's their wives they want. Men are visual. Hello, what planet have you been living on? Women have beautiful bodies. Even I can say that. Men can look at something and get hard where as women have to think about it to get there.

But that is just my opinion.

I really don't find her all that appealing...I think she has a tiny head....and genormous boobs (which I guess is her appeal, isn't it?) :wink:

Tanbear, no offense, but you are seriously conflicted. You would prefer to stay in a miserable marriage because you don't want to pay alimony? Maybe it's really because you would rather make his life as miserable as you feel yours is. It's called passive-aggressive, and silent revenge. Sheesh, I'm married, on the computer most of the day for work, and I don't look at any porn. I couldn't care less.

Your sweeping generalization of men based on what you have read on an anonymous internet forum just makes you sound like you don't really want any advice at all, as jp suggested.